silence doesn't mean i don't care ~ NSU post #29

I wish i could write here more. I have been so busy with school and so overwhelmed that i feel like i'm being pulled apart at the seems. I'll try to give a little update:

My ex-teacher still won't talk to me; i now have a mentor who says that he should be the one to initiate anything but he doesn't. It's his fault and his problem. I've tried to let go of it but it's hard. My parents class (which i have been attending) has been growing and thriving. I've heard rumors that his class has been, too.

Allergies have been bad for me this year. I sang in the Easter "Musical" at church (it was more like a contata with narration) and a concert with the Women's Chorus at school. WC has another concert in two weeks where we sing Stabat Mater and other music.

I had two midterms last week and a research paper that i didn't have enough time to do. Our teacher moved back the due date, which has put some pressure off, but our final paper is going to be killer trying to get out because of it. I don't know how i'm going to get everything done.

I haven't had time for a job so it's just as well that i haven't found one. Except for the fact that my father (who once said that if i went to college i wouldn't have to work) now is pressuring me to find a job. I do not have the time and i know i couldn't deal with the stress if it was a bad work environment like most of the jobs i've had.

I want to go to school in Hawai'i next year but it would cost a lot more. I don't know if i should stay here. I know i can't go to Biola this year and am worried about letters of recommendation when/if i finally apply there again.

I've been driving my parents car for months because i can't get the title for my car... not that i have the money to pay for that or plates or insurance.

I babysit for a family friend one-four times a month and only charge her $20 for an overnight stay. I know she thinks that's a lot but i know that in high school the going rate for someone my age to babysit was $16-24 an hour.

Snowboarding is over and my body has been bleah since but i don't know how to find the time to go to the gym.

I have been very overwhelmed. I alternate between being mad at God and putting my trust fully in Him. I don't know how to get through each day and am surprised at the end of each day. I'm not thriving, i'm barely getting by, and i don't know how to change that. Part of this is that i can't write here or work on my website.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince comes out July 16th and i'm getting excited. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire will be in theaters in November (it's my favorite book of the series so i'm apprehensive and wonder if they can do it justice with 2 1/2 hours).

Star Wars episode three comes out right after my sister's birthday. Her baby is due in July and her husband will be going to Korea for a year (alone). She's been pretty stressed lately herself.

I'm still here in the dark, waiting, trying to tell myself that just because God has been silent doesn't mean He doesn't care.

Well i guess an update is in order. I have been very busy with school and have enjoyed my classes for the most part though i didn't get in all the ones i wanted to. Astronomy and Math have been disappointingly easy. English Composition has been boring and draining (it's an accelerated night class: i'm so glad i only have one more week). Mass Media and Women's Chorus have been surprisingly interesting. U.S. History is boring but informative. Guitar is a challenge.

I didn't get to attend American Idol auditions as i had hoped. I was able to get a student loan but haven't been able to find a job yet. I'm hoping to find a night job now that my night class is ending. I was sleeping better until i caught a cold that has taken me a while to shake. Spiritually i've felt drained, unplugged, and distressingly emotionless. I'm overwhelmed by the election and worried about the future. It's been hard to keep hoping but i'm endeavoring to continue to trust God. But Satan has been attacking me and i'm afraid that i'm not strong enough to stand up to him anymore. Still i'm trusting God no matter how foolish that makes me. I hope my life continues to look up as the year progresses.