new year's resolutions 2013

Since the end of October and the election that screams "voter fraud" and "voter box hacking" there has been a lot that i've wanted to say.  Unfortunately i work two jobs and it takes a migraine to get me to rest.  I survived Christmas but my thoughts never made it from my brain to a computer screen through my fingers until now.

There is something rotten in the state of the United States of America.  I have been living with hope that things would change in 2013, but now i know that the fight has only just begun.  Something needs to change, and part of that something is me.  I've been hiding and waiting as much as possible, licking my wounds and biding my time.  I've been doing it for fourteen years and it's time for it to stop.  It doesn't matter if i ever feel the Holy Spirit again, what does matter is if i fail to serve Him.  I'm not a journalist, i have a bias, and i am tired of being silent.  So my first resolution for 2013 is to write more.  I am struggling when trying to write fiction, i don't know if i can ever recover what i lost during the time i had Bell's Palsy.  But i will persevere and maybe someday the words will reconnect with their definitions and i can reach my creative urges outside of the dreamscape.  In the meantime i hope to blog with new purpose and stand for truth even if it is too late to make a difference.

Two of my causes are not really my own.  Right now it looks like freedom of education and freedom of medical choice are in jeopardy.  I'm still considering becoming a doula...or even a midwife.  Even if i never get married or have children i still think that a woman's reproductive rights are important.  The way i see it, there are forces in the world that are doing everything they can to make it easier to get rid of "unwanted" children and harder to have wanted children.  Furthermore, this election's results, whether they are legitimate or not, are very much a result of the mainstream media's failure to report important things and government schools' success in brainwashing America's children.  My life is always going to be dedicated to strengthening education and birth rights.  To both of these ends we need to make stronger families.  I'm not a wife but i am part of a large family that's hurting right now.  I don't know what i can do but i will be praying if nothing else.

This year i am going to take the plunge and go back to being barefoot.  As a child i was barefoot as much as possible.  Summers in Arizona i would go barefoot more than you might imagine, goatheads being more painful than hot asphalt to be honest.  My feet are starting to get stronger even as they are starting to show the effects of being stuffed in shoes for far too long.  Right now i am reading The Barefoot Book by Daniel Howell, Ph.D., and i highly recommend it.  So in 2013 i am going to continue to wear Vibrams, flipflops, and Sanuks as much as possible...but i am considering going so far as going barefoot in public someday.  It is perfectly legal, it might surprise you to know.  My feet aren't ready for that yet, but they are stronger than they used to be.  Right now i will continue to strengthen my toes and lengthen my achilles tendons.  Hopefully there's also a way for me to strengthen my arches.

For the first time ever i intend to plant a garden.  It will have to be in containers because the land here is horrible for growing anything edible, salty high desert.  I might kill more than i harvest but i'm going to try to grow things.  I'm also going to try to shop for organics and non-GMO items more often.  And become more educated about food in general.

Lastly, i intend to arm myself and take a conceal carry course even if i cannot obtain a permit.  I was taught how to shoot from a young age and have always been afraid of guns.  I want to conquer that fear in order to defend myself and my family.  At one time i wanted to serve in the military, but that was never possible because of my weight.  I still want to hone the skills my father gave me and acquire new ones.

There are, or course, other things that i want to accomplish this year, but these are the main ones.  I still dream of learning how to play the drums or a stringed instrument, for example.  And another triathlon, a better job, are also goals that i am pursuing as much as personally possible.  I have recently lost some weight, amazingly enough, but am also trying to embrace my more to love beauty more than ever before.

I hope all of my readers (whomever you may be) had a happy Christmas season and will be even more blessed in the new year.

MLK Jr. was a Democratic Socialist?!?

dem⋅o⋅crat⋅ic
–adjective
1. pertaining to or of the nature of democracy or a democracy

de⋅moc⋅ra⋅cy
–noun, plural -cies.
1. government by the people; a form of government in which the supreme power is vested in the people and exercised directly by them or by their elected agents under a free electoral system.
3. a state of society characterized by formal equality of rights and privileges.

so⋅cial⋅ist
–noun
1. an advocate or supporter of socialism.

so⋅cial⋅ism
–noun
1. a theory or system of social organization that advocates the vesting of the ownership and control of the means of production and distribution, of capital, land, etc., in the community as a whole.
~ all from Dictionary.com

So, how is that not an oxy moron? In the democracy, everyone has equal rights so an individual's ownership is held sacred, but in the socialist system, their ownership is vested (i.e. given/assigned) to the entire community. They are not the same thing in the slightest.

i've listened to more talk radio in the past week than in the past couple of months. Rush has been talking about the new Supreme Court ruling and explaining how corporations have free speech because they are composed of individuals. All the reporters that are anti-corporations... work for and are in a corporation called a news organization. They apparently work for the exact thing they profess to hate! But this goes on to other levels of society, too. Do you hate your neighbors? Well, if they have a job, you might as well, because they are part of a corporation. They may not be owners, or shareholders, but a corporation can not function without employees. So, when the U.S. government takes money away from corporations (i.e. taxes), where do you think it comes from? The more taxes that have to be paid, the lower everyone's wages must be and the less people can be hired. It isn't rocket science! These days, the government even treats small businesses harshly, so if you're thinking of working out of your home or if your neighbors are doing so, then you're one of the enemies according to them! Kind of puts thing into a new perspective, doesn't it?

wow, i'm speechless

i just heard about this video this week, but apparently it came out inauguration week. The video is, quite frankly, awe inspiringly scary. i do not quite know how to respond. Yes, i have a pledge, but it is quite, quite different from theirs.

i have been incredibly busy with school, barely getting assignments done, working more than i should, spending more than i should, and wondering what in the world i have gotten myself into. This was supposed to be the easy semester, i have largely been trying to ignore politics because i just do not have the time to properly inform myself and mount a defense, but... wow. How am i supposed to remain silent to what is happening? i am quite literally terrified for my family, friends, and self... no, for everyone. i wonder if these people still believe that Obama is as saint-like as they make him out to be in this video. i wonder if it is too late to stop what is happening, to get the truth out.

How is a young woman supposed to fight the darkness, support herself, finish college, and take a cruise? i've been doing a lot of inner inspection on these issues. Who am i, how can i change things? On the other hand, how can i remain silent, how could i not be going to these townhall meetings and taking a stand? i am, quite honestly, utterly clueless about what i should do. Right now i'm trying to wade through 1984, i hardly have the time. How am i supposed to take on more?

judge rules against homeschooling mother in NC

Heard about this the day before yesterday on the Glenn Beck program as i recall. Immediately felt sick, about on the same level of nausea that i experienced while my professor was covering a Modest Proposal last semester.

So, the short version is that a mother is getting divorced because her husband committed adultery repeatedly and that she homeschools her three children. Her ex-husband doesn't like the fact that she uses the Bible and teaches creationism, and guess what, neither does the judge. Two of the children test at two grade levels above their current grade, the third is testing fine at his or her own grade level, the judge wants them to be socialized (even though they socialize with other homeschoolers) and for their spiritual beliefs to be challenged. And of course the judge was appointed by a Democrat and is pushing his own agenda even though it's illegal.

three news articles:
NC Judge Orders Mom to Send Homeschoolers to Public School for Exposure to "Real World"
Wake judge orders home schoolers into public classrooms
NC Judge Orders Homeschool Mother to Put Kids in Public School

a blog written by a friend of the mother:
Homeschool Injustice

overwhelmed...

Spring break was heinous. One of the cashiers had a death in the family and i was expected to work full time... i had a ton of homework (most of it didn't get done) and the worst allergies that i've ever experienced in my entire life. On Friday i went to the local We Surround Them meetup, which i have mixed feelings about. i was not very inspired by the show, though it was nice to see other people that feel the same way i do about where this country is going (for the most part). However, i feel let down that nothing has happened yet. People talked about meeting once a month, starting small groups and growing, getting in touch electronically somehow... nothing has happened so far as i can tell. It's hard for me to reconcile that it's been less than a week after all i've been through the past few days and all the Obama administration is doing to destroy this country.

Last week, i started taking a new allergy medication, which made me hyper for two days, and then i eventually crashed, which made me a bit depressed. i'm doing a bit better now, but it has been a very foggy week. i am excited about several things that i'm considering pursuing, but realistically i am having a hard time getting up on time, getting to class, do the work, etc. i am soooo ready to quit work... and school really. It's just so hard. Once again, work seems more counterproductive than helpful, and school mostly seems that way, too. i feel like my entire life has been stalled by the expectation / necessity for me to work pointless jobs and get a degree. i'm not progressing at work, i'm not happy, i don't have time to pursue the things i love, the things that matter. It's the same thing in school, i mostly feel as if i am not learning anything worthwhile and that absolutely no one that is there would agree with my political beliefs. i want to connect with other students, i want to do something, but i have no idea how to do that. i am hard pressed to stay on task enough to get good grades, must confess that i am not wholeheartedly throwing myself into my work, am trying to just skate by, because--once again--what we're covering in class seems pointless. i am surrounded by opposing views constantly and not allowed to respond, everything i say in Brit Lit is "wrong" (this from the teacher who claims in his syllabus that there are no wrong answers), American Lit is liberal, Creative Writing (while i love the teacher) is below my level, busy work, simply a prerequisite, and Brit Rom feels very shallow and disjointed.

If i were to quit school i would be in debt, have to start paying within six months, and still have no prospects for a better job. i don't have the time to write or create anything valuable, anything marketable, anything worthwhile, and that seems like a cop out (i should be doing so much better), but it's so very true. i do not know how to cope, let alone thrive. i am so tired of trying so hard and getting nowhere. i don't know what to do, i am still stuck in the same place that i was in ten years ago, and i've fought really hard. What is the point in trying if you get nowhere? Not that i can give up, but it's very discouraging. Even in a level mood i sound so depressed lol.

i'm so sick of qqing / complaining but have no idea how to find solutions. Nothing is in my control, i am at the mercy of things around me that are out for my failure. i am a backwards capitalist, i don't care about making a lot of money or being rich, i just want to support myself (comfortably preferably, but getting by on my own two feet would be a welcome start), i have no means of doing so. i feel as if i am at a dead end before i have even started (still in the cage as it were). i should be doing homework, gah.

on the radio...

i heard Mr. Malone be interviewed a few days ago, i think on Sean Hannity. His background and story really struck a cord with me.

the bars tighten

i have come to the conclusion that the majority of people who voted in this election are on either meth or crack. It's the only explanation that makes sense, really; after all, Oprah was rejoicing with those first time voters who had been clean for a week. i don't want to think badly of my fellow Americans, but really this is the only logical explanation.

WTH WERE THOSE PEOPLE THINKING?!?

i was listening to Glenn Beck this morning, as is my wont. He said that when the new tax plans go into effect he will be paying 65-70% of his income in taxes, plus he tithes, so he is going to have to live off of about 20% of his income. A family of four in Manhattan needs an income of $150,000 just to survive, meanwhile cops make $30,000 a year and their jobs are the first thing on the chopping block when it comes to cutting spending in NYC. i love NY, don't you?

"A Democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can exist only until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that a Democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy, always followed by a Dictatorship.

The average age of the world's greatest civilizations has been 200 years. These nations have progressed through this sequence: From bondage to spiritual faith; from spiritual faith to great courage; from courage to liberty; from liberty to abundance; from abundance to selfishness; from selfishness to complacency; from complacency to apathy; from apathy to dependency; from dependency back again into bondage."

i wrote about this two years ago, and we have now shifting into from apathy into dependency. How did it come to this? What were those people thinking, besides "Oo, free healthcare, college, and a redistribution of wealth!" because that is what Obama promised, that is what he ran on, Socialism, Marxism, higher taxes, etc., ad nauseum (he even admitted this from time to time, when he wasn't trying to lie about it).

i have to go to class, even though my thought is not yet complete. Let me just finish with this: when i was making $6.40 an hour, i was paying a third of my income in taxes. Obama is planning to repeal the Bush tax cuts; how much am i going to have to pay in taxes then? i can't support myself, what would even be the point in working? in trying? It's going to be yet another uphill battle.

Google Goes Wireless: An Analysis

Abstract
Over the past twelve years Google Inc. has expanded from a research project to one of the world’s most successful online corporations. Part of Google’s philosophy is, “It’s best to do one thing really, really, well,” and “You don’t need to be at your desk to need an answer.” Google has already done upheld the first promise with searching the internet, and they continue to pursue perfecting the second statement as well. The company’s services have expanded to include blogging, shopping, getting directions, and watching videos: now Google wants to bring these services to your cell phone while making it cheaper for everyone.

Introduction
Google was formed by two guys who didn’t like each other very much when they met, but when they started working together on a college research project they found a way to renovate the internet. Google has continued to provide applications and tools to make using the internet more convenient, bringing the power of their search engine to cell phones. Some of their services are controversial, but all of them are useful when applied in the right way. Google has continued to change how the internet is used and make it more accessible and useful. They’ve protected the rights of those who use the internet and are working to come up with new technologies to protect the planet. Next Google hopes to change the cell phone industry, and not in the way that the experts expected.

Research Methods
In order to write an effective profile about Google, I performed the following research:
1. I researched Google’s background by reading articles in journals and magazines (found via online databases such as Business Source Premiere), blogs (written by financial and technological experts), and information from the Google website and its affiliates. I looked for books at the library about the company, but because this research and analysis is based on current events I found that they were outdated or inapplicable to Google’s newest developments.
2. I identified what Google has accomplished as a company:
~ Two students performed a research project for a college course and decided to try putting it into practice.
~ As a new company Google revolutionized online searching and, later, what tools are available to internet surfers.
~ Google is continuing to expand its focus and goals to meet the world’s rapidly changing needs (more specifically, the information and technology explosion of the past decade).
3. I researched three of the projects that Google is currently working on in hopes of creating a better world. The most helpful resources were the official website and blog, as well as technical/computer related magazine articles and blogs.



History
Google, like many companies, is always changing to meet the needs of its consumers, but they are always at the forefront of adapting new technology to better pursue this goal. The company’s roots are embedded in working together despite differences of opinion to create something better than what the world already has to work with. In January 1996, two students at Stanford University—Larry Page and Sergey Brin—began designing a new type of internet search engine for a class project. The search engines of the day searched pages based on how many times keywords were found on a page; Page’s system was based on a mathematic graph of what pages were linked to other pages. He realized that for a webpage to be linked to another one that someone has to type the url into the html code and that person is only going to link to pages that are helpful.

Adapting the technology of the day, he and Brin began the project BackRub, which mapped the internet through back links, and eventually decided to try to sell the technology as a new type of search engine. Using funding from a National Science Foundation grant, the partners built their servers using discounted personal computers that used a Linux platform. Page and Brin didn’t find anyone to buy their search engine (now nicknamed Google), but they did find someone to back it financially in 1998. They quickly outgrew their garage (10,000 hits a day in September 1998), as well as the the Palo Alto, California, office (500,000 hits a day in February 1999) and moved into their new corporate headquarter in June 1999.

By September 1999 Google was used for over 3 million searches a day and had moved out of Beta: the search engine quickly became a household name and exploded in popularity. Over the next few years Google added the ability to search on a wireless device, in other languages, and changed the way ads work on the internet. Unlike other search providers and homepages, Google isn’t overwhelmed by images and ads: everything is text based and streamlined for faster loading, and all the advertisements are related to your search. The company developed a search bar that’s built into your browser, and by the end of 2000 Google fielded 100 Million searches a day.

Since then Google has made it possible to search for images, shop mail-order catalogs online, and later to search for the best price online. They acquired Blogspot.com and YouTube, started a free e-mail service, began mapping Earth with satellite imagery, and provided an easy way to search for a business or address, then find out how to get there on a map. There is an official blog to keep up with all the changes that are around the corner and anyone can personalize the homepage to suit their own individual needs.

Discussion
Not everyone is thrilled with some of the services Google is providing on the internet: Manes claims: “Google's search results pages (but not the home page) included an item called ‘Web History.’ I quickly discovered that this meant Google was keeping track of my personal surfing -- not just my searching,” and laments:

Google has separate terms of service and privacy policies, plus bonus policies for individual services. These tend to be vague and puzzling -- except for the stern disclaimers by which Google basically denies responsibility for anything, as in the warning that “you use the Services at your own risk.”

My subsequent research led me to Google Web History, but I discovered that one must purposefully sign in to your account to activate the feature… you don’t automatically start using the feature, and the features are clearly outlined on the log in page. One could activate it if he weren’t paying attention, but that isn’t Google’s fault. Their privacy policy is easy to find and informs you how to opt out of the service.

The feature that Manes laments has been embraced by others, such as Chitu, who comments: “Of course, such a service would cause a big debate regarding privacy and trust, so it will be disabled by default.” He points out that the service is a logical evolution of programs such as Google Desktop, which, again, must be purposefully downloaded and has terms of service that are agreed to before one starts to use it. Manes might have felt more at ease had he realized that Google has a policy “to anonymize our server logs after 18 to 24 months” and in the past resisted (and overcame) a government subpoena “demanding disclosure of two full months’ worth of search queries that Google received from its users”… but maybe not.

Another common complaint is that Google Earth and Google Maps satellite images show too much detail. Supporters of these features notice that Google Earth helped the Air Force save lives after Hurricane Katrina by providing up to date mapping of the flooded areas, which helped their evacuation efforts. All of these concerns are valid, but are also balanced out with positive reasons for using the new technology and safeguards that allow the consumer to opt out of using the service whenever they choose.

Nearly everyone who uses the internet has now heard of Google, but not everyone knows that they use solar panels at their headquarters, are mapping air quality and emissions for the Environmental Protection Agency, and support building better hybrid cars and more energy efficient computers. The Google Foundation has committed more than $75 million in grants and investments that are dedicated to saving the planet using new environmentally-friendly technologies. They offer incentives to their employees for buying hybrid cars, and most of the products offered in their store are environmentally friendly, by using rechargeable batteries or making t-shirts out of bamboo.

Google is always looking towards the future, and one of the most publicized announcements of the past couple of months is an initiative to make cell phone platforms open source. The experts expected the company to be announcing the development of one G-Phone, but instead Android and the Open Handset Alliance are the beginning of how Google is hoping to improve the way people talk, browse the internet, listen to music, and play games on all cell phones. Google has always been supported and used open source applications and organizations such as Linux, Firefox, Apache, and MySQL, so this is a logical next step that is being widely praised. The Open Source Initiative describes open source as: “a development method for software that harnesses the power of distributed peer review and transparency of process. The promise of open source is better quality, higher reliability, more flexibility, lower cost, and an end to predatory vendor lock-in.” Translated for the less technological savvy, this means that anyone can read the code, comment on it, and revise it for their own use. This may seem like a pipe dream, but companies like Sprint/Nextel, T-Mobile, and Verizon are already part of the Open Handset Alliance, too. Everyone is hoping to make it easier and cheaper for everyone to use the internet on their cell phone, along with adapting the device to meet your needs. They aren’t hoping to market a single cell phone the way Apple did: they want to bring everyone’s ideas to everyone’s phone. Cell phone companies spend a lot of money for their engineers and programmers to design a phone that their consumers will buy. If the initiative succeeds everyone will save money and receive better services, both the corporations and the consumers.

Conclusion
Google enables people to search for anything on the web by keyword, which includes names, photos, places, news, journals, and personal history. Privacy is sacrificed, of course: for the browser as well as the browsed upon. Most people are concerned about their privacy being compromised, so they install anti-virus software and don’t click on a link that Google warns them may be dangerous. The risk of losing more privacy can is rewarded by better searches and web surfing, and of course no one has to use the service, it’s up to each individual. It does feel nice to know that technology is saving lives, but it’s also comforting to find that a company is willing to spend money to protect our privacy when a government official decides that he or she needs to be checking up no the internet usage of people in the U.S. and throughout the world.

Not everyone believes in global warming, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t also believe in finding better ways to consume the resources our planet has given us. Bamboo, rechargeable batteries, hybrid cars, and solar panels are all more expensive up front, but they save money in the long run… along with preserving nature. When one company adopts new policies that prove to be viable then it’s not uncommon for other companies to do so as well.

Cell phones used to be for talking to co-workers, family, and friend, but that was in the ‘90’s. The industry has exploded and cell phones are now used for taking photos, text messaging, browsing the internet, watching videos, and listening to music. If everyone has a cell phone then it makes sense for everyone to be able to pick what features will help them and save money.

When people look at Google today they may see a multi-million dollar corporation that may someday become a competitor to companies such as Microsoft. Others may use Google simply because they provide services that no one else does, or in new ways that are better than their competitors methods. A lot of people probably just use Google’s search engine because it’s reliable, and you can always find what you need to know within a matter of seconds. I personally find it inspiring that two college students managed to become successful because they took a class project to the next step and changed the way that people use the internet. I can’t wait to see what the people at Google come up with next.



References
About Us (2008). Retrieved February 4, 2008 from Google.org. http://www.google.org/about.html

Android (2008). Retrieved January 30, 2008 from Open Handset Alliance. http://www.openhandsetalliance.com/android_overview.html

Ante, S. (2007, December 4). Verizon Embraces Google’s Android. Retrieved February 5, 2008 from Business Week Online. http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=buh&AN=27740554&site=ehost-live

Chan, Jesse (2007, November 13). The Downfall of the Microsoft Empire. Retrieved February 5, 2008 from FishTrain. http://fishtrain.com/2007/11/13/the-downfall-of-the-microsoft-empire/

Chitu, Ionut Alex (2007, March 6). Web History, the Next Step in Personalized Search? Retrieved February 6, 2008 from Google Operating System. http://googlesystem.blogspot.com/2007/03/web-history-next-step-in.html

Corporate Information (2008). Our Philosophy. Retrieved January 31, 2008 from Google. http://www.google.com/corporate/tenthings.html

Environmental Protection Agency (2008, January). Google Adds Air Quality and Emissions Mapping. Retrieved February 14, 2008 from Civil Engineering. http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=buh&AN=28142927&site=ehost-live

Fleischer, Peter (2007, June 11). Retrieved February 14, 2008 from The Official Google Blog. http://googleblog.blogspot.com/2007/06/how-long-should-google-remember.html

Google Milestones (2007). Corporate Information. Retrieved January 31, 2008 from Google. http://www.google.com/intl/en/corporate/history.html

Gralla, Preston (2007, March 28). Freebies in Action: How Craigslist and Google Earth Save Lives. Retrieved February 14, 2008 from PC World. http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,130045-page,9-c,freeware/article.html

Hart, David (2004, August 17). On the Origins of Google. Retrieved February 5, 2008 from National Science Foundation - Discoveries. http://www.nsf.gov/discoveries/disc_summ.jsp?cntn_id=100660&org=NSF

Manes, Stephen (2007, December). Today’s Web: Use at Your Own Risk. Retrieved February 5, 2008 from PCWorld. http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=buh&AN=27460064&site=ehost-live

Open Source Initiative (2007). Retrieved February 6, 2008. http://www.opensource.org/

Web History (2008). Retrieved February 5, 2008 from Google. http://www.google.com/history/

Web History Privacy Notice (2007, February 22). Retrieved February 14, 2008 from Google. http://www.google.com/history/whprivacy.html

Wong, Nicole (2006, March 17). Judge Tells DoJ “No” on Search Queries. Retrieved February 14, 2008 from The Official Google Blog. http://googleblog.blogspot.com/2006/03/judge-tells-doj-no-on-search-queries.html

Wong, Nicole (2006, February 17). Response to the DoJ Motion. Retrieved February 14, 2008 from The Official Google Blog. http://googleblog.blogspot.com/2006/02/response-to-doj-motion.html

State Government - Assignment 4

Under what circumstances would you participate in protest activity? Are there any forms of protest that you would refuse to use? If so, why?

When I was growing up it seemed like everyone in my family was anti-protest and none of my peers would even consider being involved politically. In high school the only issue that I would have considered picketing against was abortion, but there wasn’t a clinic anywhere near our humble little town, so it wasn’t exactly practical. As I grew older and began to attend college my view of protests gradually changed. In history class we read about Martin Luther King, Jr. We talked about these issues in my American Government and English classes, as I recall, as well. I began to watch some more serious movie, and saw Roots, Malcolm X, Ghandi, and some other historical films. One of my history professors even gave a lecture once about what it was like for him to go to college during Vietnam.

Something that I was always aware of growing up is the fact that my great-grandfather had been a member of the KKK. I didn’t know many black kids growing up, in fact there was only one family in our town for a couple of years, and everyone else was Caucasian or Mexican-American or Native American, with the exception of one Asian family that ran the town’s Chinese food restaurant. I was in band with one girl from that African American family for a couple of weeks (before she quit), and she was always disrupting class, ignoring the teacher’s instructions, and there was one day that I got so mad that I called her the N-word. I’ve always regretted that, I don’t know if I ever saw her again, and I know I never told her I was sorry.

As a child I always felt stigmatized because the only time I knew of white people protesting was when they were holding on to segregation or anti-War, and neither of those takes on those issues have ever applied to me (my father served in Desert Storm and our family is very pro-military). I have gradually become more anti-War but would not protest the war in Iraq. I no longer support it, but at the time it began I did: when everyone just knew that they had nuclear weapons and Hussein was acting like Hitler, I supported it, but now I feel like the U.S. needs to just get out of everyone else’s business and worry about things at home. I believe in protecting our borders but at this point I’m content to let the world blow itself up as long as it doesn’t blow us up. Who are we to get involved in other countries’ issues?

I will not protest gay marriage. I doubt I will ever protest at an abortion clinics. I most definitely would never lynch anyone or burn anything on someone’s lawn. A sit down, that I would do, a march, almost definitely, but it feels like no one cares about anything to protest anymore. People march for different things now, like finding the cure for cancer, birth defects, etc. I used to be very interested politically and now I am just tired. I can think of no issue that I care about enough to protest. My biggest form of protest at the moment is going to be not voting Republican: I haven’t even changed my party affiliation yet.

I feel like the country that I grew up loving is falling apart and I don’t know how to fix it, what to protest, but it’s like the smell of death is hanging over my head. I cannot put this fear into words, I cannot yet give voice to it, but I feel it every time I turn on the news or read the newspaper. I wish that I knew how to protest this, I wish that I knew what I could do, but all I can come up with is joining a militia. That’s so extreme, so anti-peace, and I don’t want to do this. But I am no Ghandi and have no idea how to bring about change. I feel small and insignificant and cut off. My only form of protest is my blog, and I don’t even have the time or energy to devote to that, it just takes it out of me. I refuse to burn the flag and I refuse to blow things up, but I’m afraid that those forms of protest are coming anyway.

yawn

i just left Juco to come to work. San Jac won (hurray!).

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix will now be premiering two days early, on July 11th. The Leaky Cauldron has news about how Rowling has translated the title for book six... very interesting. In the news today (and on TLC as well) a woman is mad because she can't get the Harry Potter books banned from the local school library. She seems to think that everyone's kids are becoming witches. These people really tick me off, for crying out loud, it's make believe, not real, and if it was real to ban these books would be an infringement upon freedom of religion. i don't believe than any books should be banned, no matter what their content is. But if you're gonna ban Harry Potter we might as well ban The Lord of the Rings, Eragon, The Chronicles of Narnia, all fairy tales, mythology, most Disney films, etc. and ad nauseum. For crying out loud, Rowling is a Christian.

On a totally different note, i found out this week that Orlando Bloom is a buddhist. ): He's so cute, and a great actor, and Will Turner is so noble, why's he have to go all weird on me like that? Apparently he's in a sect that some consider to be a cult. It's not like i had a chance with him anyway, but it sort of ruins the effect for me. Oh well.

where i stand (rather, grovel)

So i've been feeling lonely, which is actually somewhat unusual for me. When i'm around people i still feel alone anyway, rarely feel anything but misunderstood and an outcast. i have this crazy inability to feel like i'm actually part of a group or know how to act in one. Sometimes i try so hard to fit in, but it never works, particularly because i am a non-conformist to the depths of my marrow and it always feels forced. i've understood since preschool that it's better to be what God wants you to be than your peers. Even when i want to make people happy it so rarely coincides with what my conscience and intuition are telling me that i always have to ask myself who i should please... God, others, or myself. i don't want to hurt anyone, but how am i supposed to have it every way? i can't.

i don't expect what God is doing in my life to make sense to anyone when it doesn't really make sense to me. For several years now i have embraced the concept that most of the world is mundane, that is to say, they don't pay close attention to God and the spiritual warfare that we are surrounded by. Perhaps this is how God intends most people to be, to be blind to the darkness so they are not afraid. i am not so inclined and am grateful for what he has unlocked in me, even as i live in fear. Many people would probably label me as depressed, maybe even disturbed, but that is not how i think of myself. i am blessed and i am cursed at the same time, and i am happy for it, because i do not want to go back to the way things were... Which is fine, because i don't think i could even if i tried.

i have been called a Drama Queen. To me, this seems an unfair assertion, as i am very easy going, i often roll with the punches instead of making a fuss, and i am not the type to scream or faint while watching the hero grapple with the archenemy: i would instead join in the fight. i am not one to overreact because i am usually too accepting and complacent: i don't fight against what i should, i let people walk all over me rather than cause a fuss, i don't stand up for myself. But things in my life are not so physical as in Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, or Pirates of the Caribbean; what fight against is not understood by the world, and is rarely perceived by human eyes. i fight against the darkness, and i cannot take up a sword, or a wand, etc., i have only my beliefs, my feelings, ideas, and hope. i have only God's Word and God's truth.

It is true, i feel things (emotions) deeply. i am very empathetic: if someone is suffering, i feel their pain as if it is my own, i want to help them. Sorrow can be nearly paralyzing, but it is also empowering. i have long felt that one cannot truly know joy unless one knows despair, nor can one really have hope or faith unless it has been challenged. That is what i am going through, something which some would call a "Dark Night of the Soul," a time like Job went through in which Satan is allowed to do what he will and God is far away. i have no home or barn that could be razed, and i have no children, but it is as if i have the worst luck when it comes to jobs, supporting myself, and keeping a running car. i have no wife to torment me (ha, i would have a husband, but still) but to me it is worse that i have no husband at all. i have no friends to tell me how this is all my fault, but family and acquaintances have done just as bad from time to time. i do not fault anyone in this, it simply is. There was a time in which i didn't care what happened to me, that i was grateful that God thinks that i am strong enough to withstand this, but now i just wish it were over. The past seven and a half years have been extremely difficult, and i have begun to be afraid that i am not strong enough for the task, that i will fail.

It seems to me that people don't really understand this, and as such label it as depression, or something trite. To me, this hurts, but as i have said, i probably take offense too easily. People try to make light of what i'm going through, and i guess i'm like Mary Jane and assert that no one knows what i'm feeling. It's probably true to an extent, i doubt that many have been through this, though prophets and heroes in the Bible are obviously some who have. Others in history that i think this apply to are Joan of Arc and the Lady Jane Grey, but these are rare names that stand out in history. How many people have lived and died by their faith in today's world? Most people live their lives as if God is impersonal and far away; to me He is as necessary as oxygen or water and though He may not be physically tangible i see Him in everything around me, nature, books, movies, casual conversations, music, the news, the list goes on. To me, God has always been evident throughout each day, so to see Him at work around me while simultaneously feeling cut off from Him and caged is torture. i feel like i can't serve Him and am angry with Him even as i long to feel His touch again. Worst of all is trying to talk to Him when it seems like i'm being ignored and that prayer is hopeless.

i know Satan is lying to me. It looks like he is winning in this country, in the world, and i want to fight back, but it's not in my power. This isn't about what i want, it's about what God wants, and what He wants is not something i really understand. Why should i have to wait when i am ready to do whatever it takes? Even Jane ruled for nine days and Joan won many battles before they were imprisoned. i have never had the chance to pursue my dreams, i have yet to begin to fight, which is what makes this so hard. i don't want to watch a hero fighting for me, i want to help him, but i am not even allowed to fight. i have to withstand the taunts and insults that are hurled at me.

i struggle with this on many levels. i don't want to give the darkness power over me. The mundane do not understand what i'm going through, probably think i'm making it up or being overdramatic. How can i witness at all when i am full of so much despair and anger towards God, that i'm having to go through this and am feeling so misunderstood, when i'm supposed to always be ready to give a reason for my hope? It's hard for me to read the Bible right now, to see all of God's promises and then see how devoid my life is from that hope. i still believe every word, i know my Redeemer is faithful and true. How do i reconcile this? Because i recognize Satan, how he loves to twist truth into lies, and i know that my faith is being tested. If they aren't true in my life right now are they never true? No, they are always true, but sometimes we have to wait. And as much as i hate it, i still lack patience.

i feel like a fool to hope, but still i do it. The entire world tells me that i am stupid, but i know it's not true. Things are hard, but God will bring me through it because that is what He has promised, to never leave me or forsake me. i am tired, body and soul, and i cannot explain it, but it is true. It has always been true and always will be.

i wish i could write more, but i'm too tired to make sense right now.

un

i don't know what to call this blog anymore. i've thought about going back to on fire, or dark fire, or refering to Enya's song Pilgrim, but i don't know what to call it anymore. A lot of thoughts and emotions have been rattling around in my head and heart over the past couple of weeks. For a while i was eager to hear news that my nephew had safely arrived. Then i was debating whether or not to keep attending Mesa State or apply at Full Sail. i've been working six days a week. i keep getting headaches from my allergies. Imus was fired. The shooting at Virginia Tech happened. Everything is unbelievable, i am undone, i am unashamed to say that i am afraid and worried and yet unconcerned and wanting to ignore it all. What am i supposed to say about so much evil and silliness and stress?

i have nothing to say. i have everything to say.

i was supposed to be writing a paper, but i couldn't, so instead i wrote a huge diatribe against high school and higher education in general. i don't know if i should publish it here or not, but it seemed clear to me at the time that i had no business going back to school. i couldn't write a stupid paper, i was exhuasted and sleep deprived and sick, so i stayed home for about a week, sleeping as if i were dead every morning. i worked so hard and felt so much that i couldn't even think of trying to go to school. And by the time that was all over it was really too late to return, i was guaranteed a C at best in all my classes, most of which i was already barely scraping a C, and i just couldn't decide whether or not i should go back to my teachers on my hands or knees or not.

Actually, that isn't quite true. i had decided with my diatribe, but i was miserable, fighting an inward battle, against what i wanted to do and what i should do. i figured out what my gpa would fall to if i got one c and three f's, two c's and two f's, three c's and one f's, so on and on, beyond hope of actual achievement, and realized that i would rather flunk all of my classes than continue the next five unbearable weeks only to achieve c's anyways in subjects that i knew were a waste of my time. i am not at school to get good grades, all though an A is something i always strive to attain, but my purpose in continuing my education is learning, and i have learned more at work and in real life over the past few semesters than i have in class.

Amid all of this i watched the Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions (the latter for only the second or third time ever) and identified strongly with Neo, who kept seeing Trinity falling. The Oracle told him: "We can't see past the choices we don't understand." Then on another tv show (i can't remember which one, which is so odd) one of the older characters said to one of the younger characters that choices are only painful when we've already made up our mind but haven't come to grips with the choice yet. So i finally decided that i should just follow my heart and not go back, was immediately filled with relief, and actually read a book instead of stressing about life. i won't default on my loans or be put on probation. i have next semester to bring my grades back up if that's what i choose. But it was stupid for me to work full time and do school full time at the same time, and i knew it, but i did it anyway. A man cannot serve two masters...

So life has been halfway normal, as normal as it can be when i work graveyards. The news has been ridiculous. Anna Nicole Smith's baby has a father finally. Imus get's fired for exercising his free speech, and he didn't even use any swear words (i'm not saying that he should have said what he did, but he's been saying inflammatory stuff on the air since before i was born). i can see that freedom of speech is going the way of the dinosaur. The shooting at Virginia Tech happens, and i can see that the right to bear arms is going to be next. That's why i'm so scared. i listen to Glenn Beck every morning as i leave work and totally agree with him, so what can i say here that he hasn't said already? This country is a ticking time bomb, and i can't figure out if it's terrorist who have their finger on the trigger, the media, or the politicians.

Does it matter? The world as we know it is still going to end. i can taste it in the water. i can smell it in the air. i can feel it on my skin. And it terrifies me. Is this why i'm single, why i'm not making babies? Woe to the women with child and breastfeeding... But i still want to get married and make lots of babies anyway. It's better to get married than to burn... And i know that i'm not being overdramatic. i know it's going to come because Jesus said it would in Matthew 24. And i don't care if i have to die for my beliefs, even though i've always believed that i will be raptured, it doesn't matter to me if the Tribulation starts tomorrow, or a hundred, or a thousand years from now. All i want to do is serve God in whatever way He wants me to.

And as if all the things in the news weren't enough to freak me out, last week when i was driving to work the moon was gold and then slowly went behind a cloud and it looked really freaky. And then when i got to work i saw a ufo. I'm not saying it was aliens or anything, it may have been ball lightning for all i know, but it was something unidentifiable. There was a blue ball of light that silently flew over my head and into the clouds, and the clouds flashed as if with unseen lightning, and it was gone. It all happened in just a couple of seconds, if i wouldn't have looked up when i did, i would have missed it. The ball moved so fast that i have no idea how big it was, i just know that it couldn't have been a plane or helicopter or satellite or anything i'd ever seen up close before.

So, now that everyone probably thinks that i'm certificable, that's what's going on with me. i've applied at Full Sail, i'm trying to save money, pay bills, live life. i don't know if i'll be moving to Florida come fall, but if i do i'll be closer to Megan (it's about a 4 1/2 hour drive according to Google). i'll miss my family of course. i'll be doing what i've dreamed about for so long. But it's up to God. All of it is.

brainwashed?

Tonight Nightline opened with the story Teens Rally Against an 'Un-Christian' Culture. i like Nightline because it's less one-sided than most news programs. The MCO i relieve stuck around for about ten minutes to watch the story, and at the end he said that the young woman being interviewed--Charlotte Rose Hamilton--was "so brainwashed" when she's talking about having hope and being important to God, if no one else.

That's brainwashed?

Also near the end of the story are the gay protestors, holding up signs, and a man on a blowhorn saying that these Christians are hateful. The reporter says that the Christians are under fire for being "anti-gay and anti-Pro-Choice"... The gay man--Giovanni Jackson of World Can't Wait--was talking about bigotry, though it was clear that he did not want to hear any opionion but his own. He was obviously guilty of the very thing that he was accusing the Christians of being. He said that being anti-gay was not compatable with Christianity.

He's not brainwashed?

i will allow that the MCO in question seems to be gay (though he does not profess to be so, that is the general consensus), but does he consider me to be bigoted, hateful, brainwashed? i said that it is possible to be against gay marriage without hating gays, did he even hear me? i don't hate him, i don't hate gay people, i just don't understand why they are so insistant that no one be allowed to espouse beliefs that are contrary to their own. Are they afraid of hearing the arguments, of having their opinion changed? If they honestly feel that way then why do they hide their beliefs, work so hard to silence others? Can their ideals not withstand a little testing?

These conferences are about giving up the sinful things in life, which is good, but to a certain extent it seemed like they were willing to give the entire entertainment industry to Satan and i'm not willing to do that. There are certainly movies and songs and tv shows out there with overwhelmingly vile elements; how then can you just choose to ignore them? It is my argument that the industry must be changed like any human being is, from the inside out. Hate the sin, not the sinner. Christians should stop consuming the trash, but that is only one step in the battle.

The idea that Christianity is not anit-homosexuality is completely false. The Law is clear that it is sinful for a man to lay with another man, or a woman to lay with another woman (Leviticus 18:22, 20:13). God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because of their prevalent homosexuality. In this situation a mob of men came to rape the angels who were staying in Lot's house, and the angels had to practically drag Lot and his family out of town so that they wouldn't also be destroyed (Genesis 19).

It's not P.C. to say that God will destroy a country for its sin but at the same time it's hard to believe that He hasn't already. If you read the Bible you can see His causing death and war because of immorality, why hasn't he here? i personally don't think that this country will last my lifetime without another Awakening and massive changes in the government. There are a lot of hard questions about what our country is doing in the world that i don't know how to answer anymore... Is it right for us to be in Iraq? i have no doubt that what we are doing there has ended the reign of a corrupt man presiding over his own holocaust, but should any country force their beliefs and ideals on another? We cannot save ever country in the world from the ills that consume them. Maybe this is yet another example of something that should be handled by much prayer and by sending in missionaries, not soldiers. But upon studying the history of this country one is overwhelmed by the stain of how the native americans and slaves were treated in our own past. It's hard to reconcile. i don't think i'm equipped to deal with it at present.

news near, news far

On Monday i found out (when i got to work) that my schedule had been changed to Tuesday-Saturday, which equals 50 hours of work, not including paperwork. Unless i get one day off i will be working an excess of 55 hours. Super big final paycheck, but i was planning on going camping this weekend! i normally work Monday through Thursday and when Mike asked me how many days i wanted to work this week i said three and he acted like that is what i'd get. So now instead of having a six day vacation i'm going to have a four day vacation, will probably be getting my check three days late again, and i am going to be sooooo broke. i have to pay Mom for plane tickets to Savannah in October, a hotel room for Women of Faith, and i wanted to bond my car! But i just had to get into an accident a month ago and the guy who hit me just had to have $100 or he said he'd take me to small claims court. ): So as usual things are messed up.

But on Monday i did get to hear a caller on the Sean Hannity show who lives in Israel. He said that bombs are landing near people, between Synagogues, etc., but not exploding, and people are giving God all the glory. i wish i could find a transcript because the call was powerful, filled with God. But it immediately turned my mind to the End Times and the Tribulation period. i've always expected the rapture and subsequent Tribulation to happen within my lifetime, but after these new events i've had to ask myself just how soon? There are a lot of things about the Tribulation that i've forgotten or never understood. So i'm trying to do research but it's slow going. But my thoughts are heavy on this and my prayers are with those in Israel.

It's funny how God brings many things together to bring one thing into focus. Like how much i love my sisters and brother and how i should act towards them. I've always known instinctively (my conscience guided me when i was growing up) but now it's different. I remember a time when i agreed with Cain: "am I my brother's keeper?" And then i saw SpyKids and Machete says "Look how <Cain and Abel> turned out." And Carmen points out (rightly so) that family is supposed to take care of each other. Only its clear the entire movie that she hasn't been taking care of Juni at all even though she claims she is.

I've been thinking about this because of something i said to my mother today and some of the stuff i read cleaning out my old e-mail drafts. Mom's been stressed a lot lately. This weekend i said something to her that, while it was true, was needlessly harsh and disrespectful. I'm sorry i said it. On the flip side of the coin two of those drafts were letters to my sister Megan during a time when she had hurt me very much and i was trying to patch things up. I don't think about what happened back then any more. I forgot it. I don't know if i forgave her as much as i let it go. Megan and i are getting along great now, in fact every time there's a birthday or Christmas we buy each other too much.

I'm falling apart. I've felt that way for a long time, but now i don't feel it anymore, i just see it. I don't know how to fight anymore, to feel the pain. Everywhere i look i see... the sky is falling (for lack of a better term). The Church isn't doing what needs to be done, America as i know it is falling apart, and i feel helpless to change anything. I've always known that: i know that i'm nothing, that God is everything. I wish i could relate that, i cannot say it strongly enough. And my view of the world now: i don't know if it's true or if Satan and/or his minions are lying to me. I know there's a battle going on around me, but how bad is it? Am i starting to see it again? I know that God is the ultimate victor, but will he be the victor here in the U.S., in my lifetime?

I'm starting to lose hope of that. It's such a pipe dream that America will ever return to God. Last time i listened to Sean Hannity--it was weeks ago--he was talking about this chip that they've changed the name of so people won't realize it's the same offensive thing with upgrades. This chip can be planted in your skin. It has a GPS tracker in it so if your kid is kidnapped you can track your kid. I'm sure it's probably the same chip that can be used in place of credit cards and can carry your medical history. They're currently trying to find a way to make the chip permanent so no one can remove it. Sean was really upset about this (understandably so): so am i. He said to one caller (a mother who was ready to sign up): so they put this chip in your kid and your kidnapped... now these kidnappers are going to be cutting something out of your kid. I know this is the mark of the beast: it's not alarmist, it fits the description. Parents will put it in their kids foreheads so their hands won't get chopped off. Designers will make the chip impossible to be removed so kidnappers won't mutilate the faces of children. Lots of people will get one. Perfectly reasonable.

I don't know if this blog will ever help make a difference against something as big as that. I know it can't on my own power. But God has been so still in my life that i wonder if i'm doing the right thing. I'm still impatient. I know he's working in my life: i can't feel him, but i can see the effects of it. But my grades in college aren't as high as i feel they should be (and i really tried hard last semester). Acting doesn't come easy to me like it used to. And writing: even when i want to write something i can't because i don't have the words or i don't have the time. Everything feels hopeless, and like i'm letting Him down, but i don't know how to fight harder or do more. I just don't. It's like i'm in quicksand: the more i struggle, the more stuck i become, and i need to relax and let someone pull me out.

But how long will i have to wait? I'm tired of waiting. I've been waiting for over six years! It feels like a waste. God's trying to teach me something, but what is it? What's so important that my ministries should be put on hold for six years? It feels like a waste and i'm ashamed that i feel that way. My old Sunday School teacher (who finally talked to me for the first time yesterday, acting as if nothing had ever happened) would have me believe that i'm not doing anything, that what i'm trying to do is worthless. I can't believe that. I will never believe that unless God tells me that. And so i still don't know what to do.

stop talking about why we shouldn't be at war!

...it's sooooo old. I just found this blog (during a search for something completely different) that said war never brings peace. Yeah: tell that to the Japanese and Germans and Russians. Better yet, tell that to everyone who lived during the Roman Empire. Sure, it might not be the peace that you want, but you'll get peace or you'll die. War always ends in peace: even if everyone dies there will be peace eventually because no one will be fighting anymore.

And i certainly don't want to hear about Bush misleading us. People can act stupid and for some reason want to remain stupid. The argument is old and full of holes. So you don't think that the U.S. had a valid reason to go to war in Iraq. You say there were no WMDs and the administration was just misleading us. Hello! CNN reported that the Iraqi troops were dumping chemical weapons into the rivers as they retreated. Chemicals are a WMD. Oh, you want nuclear weapons? Well our intelligence (and the intelligence of other countries) said that Iraq had nuclear weapons. Whether Iraq actually had nuclear weapons or not is irrelevant because Saddam Hussein made sure that everyone (including us) thought that he had them. He was feeding us false intelligence on purpose and we called his bluff. His bad, not ours. As if the people who were being tortured to death and then thrown into mass graves isn't a good enough reason to take down an evil dictator.

Back to history... Japan is now one of our most loyal allies; we nuked them. Was that unfortunate? Of course. Sad? You bet. But they attacked us first. What about Germany? Did we beat them? Yep. Sad? What they were doing to the Jews was tragic. No, they did not attack them first, but let's face it, if we wouldn't have helped out everyone else they probably would have won (Roman Empire style peace) and then came after us. No probably, definitely. We took in so many jews who were fleeing that they would have come after us even if world domination hadn't been their goal in the first place. I don't even want to go into Russia right now, but that war brought us peace didn't it? Different kind of war, still a war.

War happens a lot in the Bible. It happens a lot in history. It happens a lot today. It will continue to happen a lot until seven years after Jesus comes back. Deal with it. I'd rather we be fighting for the right cause for the wrong reasons that not be fighting at all. I know i sound harsh. Deal with it. This is real life we're talking about, logical and cruel. Life's not fair cuz Eve and Adam took a bite, take it up with them. Shut up about war and get a clue.

End rant.

“Where’re We Going?” (due April 15th, 2005)

    Joyce Carol Oates' book Black Water relates the story of a young woman who dies in the sinking car of a senator (Caldwell; Claffey). Oates asserts that Black Water is not a retelling of the accident involving Senator Edward Kennedy in 1969 (Caldwell) "But no one can not read Black Water outside the context of the awful moment in history that inspired it" (Caldwell). Similarly, reading the article "The Pied Piper of Tucson" inspired Oates to write "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" but the depicted events have distinct differences. Both the news story and short story recount the events leading up to the antagonists committing the crime and, because they lack the graphic details present day renditions would contain, utilize open denouement.

    In "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" the protagonist is Connie, a fifteen-year-old girl who is obsessed with her good looks (Oates 308-309). “Oates effectively portrays a teen-ager who haunts the shopping malls and hamburger joints with other girls just like her, who fights with her mother and feels contempt for her ‘plain and steady’ older sister, and who spends her time ‘thinking, dreaming about the boys she met” (Johnson 99). This popular girl not only likes to hang out with older guys: afterwards they go somewhere private to have sex (Oates 310-311). Her mother rarely asks "Where are you Going?" or "Where have you been?" (311). She does not know what Connie really does when she goes out with her friends because "Everything about her had two sides to it, one for home and one for anywhere that was not home. . . " (309) and when her mother did actually ask questions she ". . .was simple and kindly enough to believe her" (311).

    Connie's "wisecracking exterior . . . conceals her insecurity and dreamy romanticism" (Johnson 99); she spends the whole summer dreaming about boys and how wonderful it is to be with them (Oates 312). Oates writes:

Connie sat with her eyes closed in the sun, dreaming and dazed with the warmth about her as if this were a kind of love, the caresses of love, and her mind slipped over onto thoughts of the boy she had been with the night before and how nice it had been, how sweet it always was, not the way someone like June would suppose but sweet, gentle, the way it was in movies and promised in songs. . . . (312)

    Meeting Arnold Friend was a rude awakening for Connie. She had originally seen him at the drive-in restaurant when she was with another boy (310). When he drives up on a sunny Sunday (312) Friend talks to Connie about the music they are listening to, introduces her to his friend Ellie, and tries to convince her to come on a drive with him (313-314). Connie eventually gives into her fear and presumably goes with Friend (321-323).

    Charles Schmid–who bacame known as the Pied Piper of Tucson in a Life Magazine article–did not have only one victim, but three (Moser 19). Alleen Rowe was fifteen when she disappeared (80D; Ramsland 3). She actually discussed things with her mother, who "had lately been concerned about Alleen's friendship with a neighborhood girl named Mary French" (80D). Mary was one of Schmid's girlfriends, so Alleen knew Schmid, too (82; 3). Alleen had mixed feelings about him: "'He's creepy,' she once told her mother, 'he just makes me crawl. But he can be nice when he wants to'" (Rowe qtd. in Moser 82).

    One night Schmid, a friend of his named Saunders, and Mary picked Alleen up from her home (82; 3). Mary had convinced her to drive out Golf Links Road to drink in the desert with them (82; 3); Schmid had decided ahead of time to kill Alleen (3). After they had been talking in a wash for a while Mary went back to the car (82; 3). Schmid raped Alleen, then killed her by hitting her in the back of the head with a rock (3). The three friends dug a grave together and buried Alleen in the sand (82; 3). Then they went back to the car and wiped it clean of prints (82; 3). Alleen's mother reported her daughter's disappearance to the police but they believed that her daughter had simply run away (82; 3).

    One of Schmid’s other victims was Gretchen Fritz, who he saw for the first time about two months later at a swimming pool (84; 4). Schmid was warned that she was trouble (4), but he liked her so much that he followed her home (84; 4). Schmid would lie about nearly anything to make himself look good or get women to sleep with him (24 ; 2); Gretchen lied just as much (4). Schmid had rich parents who funded his pursuits (80D; 2); Gretchen’s parents were rich, too, and did not approve of her behavior (4). The two eventually dated, and they were wild about each other, but they often argued about the other women he saw (84 ; 4). The details are unclear, but Schmid eventually killed Gretchen, who was seventeen, and her sister Wendy, who was thirteen (19, 87; 3), one night after they had been to a drive-in movie (87). He later buried the two sisters in the desert (87-88; 5) and was eventually convicted of the crimes (7).

    Oates chose not to give her readers such a clear-cut ending, but despite some differences the two stories are similar in many ways. Schmid preferred blondes (84) and Connie is blonde (Oates 309). Friend's hair was black (312), the color Schmid dyed his (Moser 23). Friend was barely taller than Connie (Oates 314) and "one of his boots was at a strange angle, as if his foot wasn't in it" (319). Like Schmid (Moser 21-23), Friend's boots were ". . . stuffed with something so that he would seem taller" (Oates 320), he drove a gold car (310; Moser 23), and wore makeup so he appeared to be tanner (319; 23). Connie notes Friend's muscular physique (314); Schmid was a gymnast (21). The biggest difference between the victims is that all of the girls Schmid killed knew him ahead of time while Connie had only seen Friend once before (Oates 310) and while It is clear that Alleen resisted Schmid’s attack (Ramsland 3), it appears that Connie ultimately did not (Oates 321-323).

    While Connie was not afraid of Friend at first “. . .the narrative takes a sharp, unexpected turn when Connie is suddenly left alone, separated from her giggling friends and her stern but protective family” (Johnson 100). She was already nervous about being alone (Oates 312), but when she hears a car coming up the drive she becomes self-conscious about her appearance (312). When talking to Friend "She couldn't decide if she liked him or if he was just a jerk, and so she dawdled in the doorway and wouldn't come down or go back inside" (313). At first glance Arnold appears to be a flat and static character, but as his conversation with Connie progresses and warnings start to sound in Connie’s head new aspects to the character unfold. She becomes uneasy because she cannot tell what Friend is looking at while he’s wearing shades (313), he knows her name already (314), and all of his actions just seem a little off (314-316). “He stood there so stiffly relaxed, pretending to be relaxed, with one hand idly on the door handle as if he were keeping himself up that way and had no intention of ever moving again” (316). Like Schmid with Gretchen (Moser 84; Ramsland 4), Friend did his homework before he came to see Connie: he asks questions about her, he follows her home, and knows details about her life before they even meet like her friends’ names (Oates 315), that she was with a guy the night before (317), and that her parents will not be home for hours (318). Friend uses this information to empower himself, to show Connie that she is vulnerable and does not have a chance to escape. In Connie’s moment of crisis Friend coaxes:

I mean, anybody can break through a screen door and glass and wood and iron or anything else if he needs to, anybody at all and specially Arnold Friend. If the place got lit up with a fire hone you’d come runnin’ out into my arms, right into my arms an’ safe at home—like you knew I was your lover and’d stopped fooling around. (319)

    It slowly becomes clear to Connie that Friend wants her and will not take no for an answer (319-320). In this moment Connie tries to resist but has an epiphany: there is nothing she can do to escape, she is trapped. “Friend’s mesmeric influence on Connie. . represents a superhuman force” (Urbanski). Oates writes:

She cried out, she cried for her mother, she felt her breath start jerking back and forth in her lungs as if it were something Arnold Friend were stabbing her with again and again with no tenderness. . . . She was hollow with what had been fear, but what was now just an emptiness. All that screaming had blasted it out of her. . . .She thought, I'm not going to see my mother again. She thought, I'm not going to sleep in my bed again. (321-322)

    Friend reiterates this: “The place where you came from ain’t there any more, and where you had in mind to go is canceled out” (322). He lets Connie know that he has the power and she has no choice but come with him else he hurt her loved ones (322). Connie is suddenly initiated with a right of passage that no one would wish to experience.

    This initiation story is emblematic of Oates’ stories and “has generally been recognized as uniting Oates's greatest strengths as a short story writer" (Johnson 99). Oates uses realism so we can identify with Connie but "Violence, or the threat of violence, always lurks in the background of her work. Her writing ‘involves conflict between a seemingly settled, peaceful life and a sudden intrusion of violence'. Often the violence is psychological or sexual . . ." (Steinberg). In a world where the most popular programs are crime dramas and news broadcasts that relate violent crimes in vivid detail every day, "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" may seem tame in comparison but "horror resides in the transformation of what we know best, the intimate and comfortable details of our lives made suddenly threatening" (Sullivan qtd. in Wegs 87) which is exactly what "The Pied Piper" was all about: no one felt safe anymore.
Modern readers are used to receiving a clearly defined ending, but Oates chose to use open denouement, to leave us wondering if Friend followed through on his threats (which he almost certainly did) and if he is still out there hurting someone else. “. . .Oates's ability to absorb and then to transmit in her fiction the terror which is often part of living in America today. . . " (Wegs 87) is what makes her stories seem real and applicable.

Works CitedCaldwell, Gail. "Oates 'Black Water': Unexpectedly Haunting." The Boston Globe. 21 May 1992, city edition: LIVING 92. Academic Universe. LexisNexis. 22 March 1992. Tomlinson Library, ID. 29 March 2005. <http://www.lexisnexis. com">.
Claffey, Charles E. "Chappaquiddick Metaphor." The Boston Globe. 10 April 1992, city edition: METRO/REGION 1. Academic Universe. LexisNexis. 11 April 1992. Tomlinson Library, ID. 29 March 2005. <http://www.lexisnexis. com">.
Johnson, Greg. Understanding Joyce Carol Oates. Columbia: University of South Carolina Press, 1987.
Moser, Don. "The Pied Piper of Tucson." Life. 4 March 1966: 18-24, 80C-90.
Oates, Joyce Carol. "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" Literature: A Pocket Anthology. Ed. R. S. Gwynn. New York: Pearson Longman, 2005. 308-323.
Ramsland, Katherine. "Charles Schmid: The Pied Piper." Court TV's Crime Library. 2005. 31 March 2005. <http://www.crimelibrary.com/serial2/schmid/index.html>.
Steinberg, Sybil. "Prolific Oates." Publishers Weekly. 13 September 2004. Academic Universe. LexisNexis. 16 September 2004. Tomlinson Library, ID. 29 March 2005.
Urbanski, Marie Mitchell Olesen. “Existential Allegory: Joyce Carol Oates ‘Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?’” Studies in Short Fiction. Gale Database. Spring 1978. 31 March 2005. <http://galenet.galegroup.com/servlet/GLD/>.
Wegs, Joyce M. "'Don't You Know Who I Am?' The Grotesque in Oates's 'Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?'" Critical Essays on Joyce Carol Oates. Ed. Linda W. Wagner. Boston: G. K. Hall & Co., 1979. 87-92.

Symptom #1 has reared its ugly head... ~ NSU post #28

...in a new and unpredictable way and won. Terri Schiavo has been murdered and it was totally legal. I know that this is a controversial subject and there are those who wish that those of us who are vocal about this issue to just shut up but i have to speak out about this. I'll try to be brief:

the judicial system let Terri down
it sided with a husband who was possibly abusive
it refused her therapy
it refused to acknowledge that her medical condition had been misclassified (as in a coma instead of just brain damaged)
it refused to hear any new evidence or admit that it might have made a mistake
and so they made an even bigger one

Michael Schiavo's attorney said that Terri was beautiful and at peace and comfortable while she was dying. I find this hard to believe. How comfortable can it be to slowly starve to death, without even water to ease your parched mouth? I've been led to believe that it's torture.

Mr. Schiavo suddenly remembered that his wife once said she didn't want to be kept alive like this seven years after her condition began. A friend from high school came forward and said that Terri once chewed her out for telling a demeaning joke about someone in a coma and said she would want to stay alive if it happened to her. Several doctors and nurses have said that Terri wasn't in a coma and that she could have recovered in her own way. A guy in my American Government class says he went to high school with a boy who was in a condition like Terri's.

Her husband would even let her parents be with her as she died. Sure there was music and flowers, etc., but his whole premise/argument in court was that she didn't know what was going on around her so why did he bother? I think she was aware and in pain. I think she was afraid of her husband and it was for a reason. I think he is a jerk and should be prosecuted for breaking the law: for abusing her and living with another woman while he was still married to Terri (both are illegal in Florida). I doubt justice will ever be served.

From all i've heard and read a great crime was committed here and it scares me that so few seem to care.

my absence ~ NSU post #24

I didn't mean to take a break from blogging but i guess i ended up doing so. I've been really busy getting ready for finals. I guess i felt that the free time i had should be spent doing something besides ranting. (; Maybe during the Christmas break i'll have time to write more.

It is such a relief to me that Kerry didn't get elected as President of the United States of America. I think that the biggest reason i haven't mentioned the election results is because i got so burnt out on the political stuff. I got tired of the mud slinging and lies and really don't want to bequeath Kerry with much attention now that he lost. I'm recharging for my next campaign on this blog, too.

Below is one of the papers i wrote for my Mass Media class. We had to write a movie critique over Thanksgiving break. It was the first movie i had been to (in the theater) since the Village and Bourne Supremacy and i think it's about time for another review so "there you go" (to quote a spelling guru who was in a computer game my sis and i used to play). I have meant to review more films but as i said, i always feel pressed for time and as such forget it for more "important" things (that are very pressing in RL). Hopefully i'll do better next year.

Btw, Alias is returning with a two-hour event in January but will now be on Wednesdays. I am so relieved that Charlie (Dominic Monaghan) didn't die last night on Lost. I'm looking forward to the repeat of the pilot next Wednesday as i didn't see it due to VCR misprogramming (it was brand new and i hadn't read the manual! How was i to know that i had to push the T-Set button?).

Guess that's about it for now. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (just in case i don't have a chance to say it later)!

i hate to say this but... ~ NSU post #12

...i don't think that i'll ever make a good political news analyst. One of the careers i've considered in the back of my mind is "Radio Talk Show Host" and i just don't think i have enough brilliant thoughts to fill two to three hours worth of air time. I'm not addicted to my voice; i like to talk only if i actually have something to say. But i'm not gifted at analyzing news stories and pointing out the lies of politicians and reporters. I'll listen to Rush and Sean for a few hours a day (tops) and be on news overload. I don't think i could handle reading several newspapers, internet articles, and appropriately themed books each week in order to be adequately prepared for each day's program. As one can see i don't have the time or content to even fill this blog. I usually want to write something but just can't get anything out that anyone would want to read anyway.

...i wish Kerry would shut up. I know, i know, i'm a proponent of free speech and certainly don't want anyone telling me to shut up but i feel so badly for him. He makes such a fool of himself that it's embarrassing. He contradicts himself in the same breath. He personifies the very individual that he himself describes as being unworthy of serving as president. And every time i turn on Rush and Sean i hear more and more lies that he's repeatedly telling the public and it pisses me off (excuse my french). He's an ugly buffoon at best and a horrible threat at worst. Like when he went to a Democratic pro-gun rally and waved around the very type of gun that he was criticizing Bush for letting the ban run out on (like Bush controls such legislation). Plus he wants bigger government than Bush even (Bush is very "big gov" for a Republican) and says it's name calling when Bush characterizes him as a liberal. Uh, correct me if i'm wrong, but aren't you running on the Democratic ticket? Democrats are liberals; i'm certainly not going to be offended when someone calls me a conservative. Show some backbone (oh, i'm sorry: i forgot you didn't have one)!

...i am so ready for this election to be over but i'm terrified that Kerry's going to win it. I keep praying that Bush will win by a landslide (please let him get CA, please) so the Democrats won't send in the lawyers and debate about it in court like last time... my classmates are still saying that Bush wasn't legally elected even though every single independent recount that was ever done proves that Bush won in Florida and Gore had already seceded anyway (making it a moot point).

... i still want Kerry to lose even though it means Hilary Rodham Clinton will probably be running in 2008. I so want Condoleezza Rice to run against her and kick her... you get the idea.