So i've been feeling lonely, which is actually somewhat unusual for me. When i'm around people i still feel alone anyway, rarely feel anything but misunderstood and an outcast. i have this crazy inability to feel like i'm actually part of a group or know how to act in one. Sometimes i try so hard to fit in, but it never works, particularly because i am a non-conformist to the depths of my marrow and it always feels forced. i've understood since preschool that it's better to be what God wants you to be than your peers. Even when i want to make people happy it so rarely coincides with what my conscience and intuition are telling me that i always have to ask myself who i should please... God, others, or myself. i don't want to hurt anyone, but how am i supposed to have it every way? i can't.
i don't expect what God is doing in my life to make sense to anyone when it doesn't really make sense to me. For several years now i have embraced the concept that most of the world is mundane, that is to say, they don't pay close attention to God and the spiritual warfare that we are surrounded by. Perhaps this is how God intends most people to be, to be blind to the darkness so they are not afraid. i am not so inclined and am grateful for what he has unlocked in me, even as i live in fear. Many people would probably label me as depressed, maybe even disturbed, but that is not how i think of myself. i am blessed and i am cursed at the same time, and i am happy for it, because i do not want to go back to the way things were... Which is fine, because i don't think i could even if i tried.
i have been called a Drama Queen. To me, this seems an unfair assertion, as i am very easy going, i often roll with the punches instead of making a fuss, and i am not the type to scream or faint while watching the hero grapple with the archenemy: i would instead join in the fight. i am not one to overreact because i am usually too accepting and complacent: i don't fight against what i should, i let people walk all over me rather than cause a fuss, i don't stand up for myself. But things in my life are not so physical as in Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, or Pirates of the Caribbean; what fight against is not understood by the world, and is rarely perceived by human eyes. i fight against the darkness, and i cannot take up a sword, or a wand, etc., i have only my beliefs, my feelings, ideas, and hope. i have only God's Word and God's truth.
It is true, i feel things (emotions) deeply. i am very empathetic: if someone is suffering, i feel their pain as if it is my own, i want to help them. Sorrow can be nearly paralyzing, but it is also empowering. i have long felt that one cannot truly know joy unless one knows despair, nor can one really have hope or faith unless it has been challenged. That is what i am going through, something which some would call a "Dark Night of the Soul," a time like Job went through in which Satan is allowed to do what he will and God is far away. i have no home or barn that could be razed, and i have no children, but it is as if i have the worst luck when it comes to jobs, supporting myself, and keeping a running car. i have no wife to torment me (ha, i would have a husband, but still) but to me it is worse that i have no husband at all. i have no friends to tell me how this is all my fault, but family and acquaintances have done just as bad from time to time. i do not fault anyone in this, it simply is. There was a time in which i didn't care what happened to me, that i was grateful that God thinks that i am strong enough to withstand this, but now i just wish it were over. The past seven and a half years have been extremely difficult, and i have begun to be afraid that i am not strong enough for the task, that i will fail.
It seems to me that people don't really understand this, and as such label it as depression, or something trite. To me, this hurts, but as i have said, i probably take offense too easily. People try to make light of what i'm going through, and i guess i'm like Mary Jane and assert that no one knows what i'm feeling. It's probably true to an extent, i doubt that many have been through this, though prophets and heroes in the Bible are obviously some who have. Others in history that i think this apply to are Joan of Arc and the Lady Jane Grey, but these are rare names that stand out in history. How many people have lived and died by their faith in today's world? Most people live their lives as if God is impersonal and far away; to me He is as necessary as oxygen or water and though He may not be physically tangible i see Him in everything around me, nature, books, movies, casual conversations, music, the news, the list goes on. To me, God has always been evident throughout each day, so to see Him at work around me while simultaneously feeling cut off from Him and caged is torture. i feel like i can't serve Him and am angry with Him even as i long to feel His touch again. Worst of all is trying to talk to Him when it seems like i'm being ignored and that prayer is hopeless.
i know Satan is lying to me. It looks like he is winning in this country, in the world, and i want to fight back, but it's not in my power. This isn't about what i want, it's about what God wants, and what He wants is not something i really understand. Why should i have to wait when i am ready to do whatever it takes? Even Jane ruled for nine days and Joan won many battles before they were imprisoned. i have never had the chance to pursue my dreams, i have yet to begin to fight, which is what makes this so hard. i don't want to watch a hero fighting for me, i want to help him, but i am not even allowed to fight. i have to withstand the taunts and insults that are hurled at me.
i struggle with this on many levels. i don't want to give the darkness power over me. The mundane do not understand what i'm going through, probably think i'm making it up or being overdramatic. How can i witness at all when i am full of so much despair and anger towards God, that i'm having to go through this and am feeling so misunderstood, when i'm supposed to always be ready to give a reason for my hope? It's hard for me to read the Bible right now, to see all of God's promises and then see how devoid my life is from that hope. i still believe every word, i know my Redeemer is faithful and true. How do i reconcile this? Because i recognize Satan, how he loves to twist truth into lies, and i know that my faith is being tested. If they aren't true in my life right now are they never true? No, they are always true, but sometimes we have to wait. And as much as i hate it, i still lack patience.
i feel like a fool to hope, but still i do it. The entire world tells me that i am stupid, but i know it's not true. Things are hard, but God will bring me through it because that is what He has promised, to never leave me or forsake me. i am tired, body and soul, and i cannot explain it, but it is true. It has always been true and always will be.
i wish i could write more, but i'm too tired to make sense right now.
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