New Year's resolutions of a sort

i do not normally make New Year's resolutions: i figure that there is no point in putting off until the New Year to start improving upon something that needs fixing today. i've been fighting to fix things in my life for over a decade now, so this post is more of a State of the Lunacy speech. It's been an arduous journey, stumbling around in the dark trying to figure out the answers to questions that seem to have no answers, trying to figure out God's will when He has been so very silent. i'm sorry to say that i don't pursue God as keenly as i once did: i realized a long time ago that the harder i sought Him the more i fell apart when i didn't find Him. i used to blame Him for that, for my inability to find Him, because i was always taught that He would come running when i called. When that proved to not necessarily be the case, my whole life fell apart. Some people would call my opinions towards how God works to be sacrilegious, but i think that very often we take God's Word out of context. We're all stumbling around in the dark whether we realize it or not, and there's no way that any one person has all the answers while they're here on earth, otherwise what would be the point in continuing to live? If you aren't striving and learning then you're wasting precious life.

There were many things that i had to come to terms with in order to reach this point. My quarter life crisis hit me hard, and in many ways is still hitting me. i have no career. i have no relationship prospects. i had to get over Brad and then come to terms with the fact that i was willing to give him so very much that compromised parts of myself that i never wanted to compromise. Because i have no experience in dating or love i didn't realize what i was doing, i was completely blind. It didn't help matters that the man that i fell in love with turned out to be nothing like i thought he was and that i had been ignoring the small warning signs. i'm glad that i didn't end up with Brad now, but it took me a long time to reach this point, i still cannot say that i am entirely over him. It would be very hard for me to articulate just how very much i long to be in a marriage relationship, to not be alone, and where i have slid to as a result without losing all integrity. Yes, i am still a virgin, but i still feel sullied because of how much i gave emotionally and how much lust that i'm trying to deal with right now. i have no idea how to come to grips with my sexuality when i am single and trying to live a pure life, the entire "just ignore it" thing that the church has going on isn't helping me. i've also come to realize that i have some rather unrealistic expectations when it comes to marriage, that i've bought into the chick flick mentality a bit too much.

So my first two resolutions for this year are to more actively seek God again and surrender my lustful urges to Him in an attempt to confine them to His will and guidelines.

One of the most obvious external indicators of the changes that have happened in my life over the past year and a half is my body. It has taken me a very, very long time to come to grips with my weight. The truth is that i thought i was fat since i was about eight or nine, largely because that's what my peers told me and it seemed as if my mother thought she was fat. When i was Katie's age and size i hid my body and lived in humiliation because i did not understand what i had done to become fat or why i couldn't lose the weight. What i did not understand at the time was that i wasn't fat, my body just looked different than the ones i saw around me because i was athletic and big boned and more padded than the stick straight anorexic look that most people seem to go for these days. i would love to have my body from high school back again, but the little known truth is that our body's shape and size is not what determines our happiness. Our weight only has as much power as we give it, we don't have to be obsessed with losing those 10-15 pounds that we don't need to lose no matter how much society is screaming at us to do so. Is it more important to look like a model or be healthy?

i feel vastly healthier than i did after Brad and i broke up, which was at a point in my life where i was depressed and didn't care about taking care of my body. The ironic thing is that, my first big jump in weight gain, i was depressed but trying very hard to take care of my body, i just wasn't going about it in the right way. i have fought very hard not to gain more weight than i have. The things that i blame the most on my weight gain are depression and insomnia, even more than eating junk food or anything else, because i have almost always been active. i used to think that there was something wrong with my body because i didn't lose weight when i dieted and worked out. More sacrilege? Still, it's the truth. i'm starting to wonder if it's all the unnecessary chemicals and growth hormones that are in all the food at the local grocery store that have caused my body to not maintain a healthy weight.

So my next two resolutions are to reapply myself to eating less high fructose corn syrup, unnecessary chemicals--and instead buy natural and organic foods as much as possible--and to reapply myself to my training. i think i've finally come to a place where i am truly happy with my body but know that i have to keep fighting to lose more weight. i will never be the same size as Megan, and i'll probably never be the same size as Katie again, but maybe i can get below 200 pounds and get back into size 14 or 16 and just be healthy and happy. To that end i believe that i'll start training for Olympic length triathlons but only compete in Sprint length ones until i can improve my performance... say at least come in the top 75%! lol

My last three resolutions are to expand my social circle, write more, and balance my selfless and self-protective natures.

i have always felt a bit socially awkward, and to be honest playing WoW has exacerbated that. Throwing myself into the game, i thought i had a lot of friends, when in reality they were just nicer to me than most people are. There was no real connection or hold between us. Everything there has fallen apart time and again, and there's always two or three jerks that have to bring out the worst in me. One of the reasons that i didn't make a very good actress is because i was afraid to look bad: Emma Thompson and David Tennant have proven to me that the ugly parts of a person can make them all the more beautiful. i need to stop caring so much about what people say about me because very often they do it just to get a rise out of me and it makes me uglier than if i would have let it slide off my back.

So i'm quitting WoW, probably for good, and that was part of the deal i made with God when i decided to apply for the job at WoW.com: i have been considering leaving the game for a long time, and i promised Him that if i didn't get the job that i would finally quit the game. i want to try to make more friends my own age, or maybe just within my own interests. Let's face it, i am and have been and will always be a geek. Gaming will just become a smaller part of my life, just as it always was before i took up WoW. Now i will seek relationships based on shared faith, or interest in reading/writing, or in knitting, or in triathlons. Of course i also have two more semesters of school to get through, and a lot of what i can accomplish will depend on what my school-load is like.

i have been so grateful with my friendship with Katie these past few months. i also hate being sick, and cannot wait for this stupid cold to go away and the semester to start so i can start training again. i have several knitting projects that i'm looking forward to working on soon. i'm trying to make healthy choices and continue to grow as we enter a new decade... even though that decade technically doesn't begin until a year from now. (;

Recovery

All told, my recovery hasn't been bad. i'm curious about what my weight was before and directly after the race, but i have no way of knowing. On Sunday evening my knees were extremely tired. i went to City Market and got some hot chicken wings for a reward (and protein!). Then i went to a movie, had a medium popcorn (Carkmike popcorn is nasty stuff, as it turns out) to carbo reload, and fell asleep at 9 p.m. That is really unusual for me. Other than the knees my only real complaint was a slight cough and runny nose, probably from the swim in the lake (i almost swallowed a mouthful of water while trying to take a breath, remember?).

On Sunday there wasn't a trace of pain in my knees, which surprised me but enabled me to be up and down with the rest of the congregation, my only real pain was soreness in my right wrist. i'm guessing this is fatigue from the bike ride, but i've been knitting with the wrist, so it's kind of holding on. i kind of wish i knew where my needlework wrist brace is, but i think it's at Megan's, and it's really not that bad, just annoying. Breakfast was light fare for me, a big chunk of cheese and some bread that i gave half of away since the kids apparently hadn't had any breakfast. During church i finished the first sleeve of my Fair Ginny sweater; after church was a VBS meeting and then Mom and i had to wait for Dad to come pick us up to go to 4-H, where there was going to be a potluck. i was extremely hungry and starting to feel weak, and wasn't at all happy about not having anything to drink, at the least. i ate a lot of lunch, which was watermelon, pasta salad, fruit salad, bread, lemon cake, lemon meringue pie, coconut cream pie, and minute quantities of chocolate (goat) milk and ginger tea (which i had thought was lemonade and am not a fan of).

Sunday night i wasn't able to fall asleep until at least 2 a.m. Monday morning (and again last night/this morning... i'm not sure why i'm getting insomnia again), which isn't very good because i had to be at work at 10 a.m. Monday was my sorest day, kind of a general overall soreness that seemed to be exacerbated by standing all day and lots of squatting to retrieve paper (to wrap with), paper bags, and things like scissors and post its and exchange cards. One man got really mad at me, ranted and raved, and made me feel weird in the chest. He accused me of "just ignoring" his complaints, but would not even let me get a word in edgewise to respond. i hate it when customers are unreasonable. It's not my fault that Day'lah refuses to price products in the jewelry department and that the Lori from crafts was forced to do a pricecheck for me while running another register (the issue was that she said, "That costs $3.99... i think," which did turn out to be the correct price, but he was irate about being an uncertain).

i have the next two days off and would like to take a short bike ride perhaps, but i'm not sure my body is really ready for it. i'm petsitting for the next two days, which means internet and cable access, and i'm wary about returning to my training too soon and getting injured. My real consideration at the moment is, what do i train for next? i'd like to resume my training next week, which may be impossible with both work and VBS. There's an Olympic length triathlon at Highline Lake in 13 weeks, which would allow for 12 weeks of training, can i accomplish that? i went from 0-600m swims and 0-20 mi. rides in 10 weeks, can i go from 600-1500m swims, 20-30 mile rides, and 3-7 mile runs in 12 weeks? After reading Weakness Not Strengths i think i need to focus on biking the most, then running, then swimming, but i'm not sure how increasing my running will go, so i might have to focus on it more than i think. i'm also not sure if i really need to focus on biking a lot or just really need a new bike, it's hard to say how i would have done on a new one. My cadence seems to be strong, if i could keep it consistent and bring it up 5-10 rpms i would theoretically tear through the competition (but i'm not holding my breath on that, i cannot imagine being competitive on the bike, i simply have never done it competitively).

On Sunday the Sunday school class has been very supportive, and the teacher said maybe they could sponsor my race entries. i need to get a new bike, but first i need to get a passport for the cruise this fall. The hardest thing about doing triathlons is going to be paying for pool access/gym membership, entry fees, and hotel rooms for out of town races. i really don't think i want to compete in the Denver area right now, but i am considering races in Leadville July 19, Durango August 1, Glenwood Springs September 13, and of course the Western Colorado Triathlon September 19 (i obviously wouldn't be competing in both Glenwood Springs and at Highline again). These are all cheap races that sound small and are relatively nearby. Anyway, am going to ask for advice at the BeginnerTriathlete forums, but i'm not holding my breath on a reply, i don't seem to get good results there.

my New Year's resolutions for 2009

i don't usually do New Year's resolutions. My general mentality is that if something in your life is worth changing, there's no point in holding off for the new year to come around. However, this year, i am ever increasingly mindful of the fact that i am still single and the big 30 is just around the corner. i know, i'm only 27, and i have three years left, but what if i'm never married? Am i always going to be waiting to try things after i'm married? Is everything important going to be forever delegated to the realm of "once i get my own place"? i don't know if i will ever be able to afford my own home, not when i have dead end jobs now and student loans to pay after i graduate (hopefully in May 2010). i can't keep waiting for my life to begin, yet that's all i have been doing for as long as i can remember. It's time for something to change, to get to my goal #15 at 43 Things - stop procrastinating and get organized!. So, in this vein, i actually have some New Year's resolutions to make.

1 - get rid of clutter and get organized

i know this will not be cheap, to get storage in the form of Rubbermaids or baskets, but it needs to be done. Cardboard boxes that are falling apart are cluttering up my walkways; they aren't pleasant to look at or trip over. i have too much stuff, i want to simplify, and working at a place like Hobby Lobby it has become painfully obvious to me how much money people spend on junk that they really don't need. Sure, sometimes the junk is pretty (sometimes it's soooo not), but it's still not necessary. i live in a really small space, i don't need to fill it with things that i don't need anymore, and i don't want my space to be a mess.

2 - live conscientiously

Okay, part of my problem with fulfilling resolution #1 is where am i going to find the time? In a couple of weeks i'll be going to school full time, and i may have a part time job at the same time. i'm not even sure i can handle that workload, let alone feel like i have a life or have time for relaxation. The trouble is that when i get home i am exhausted and want nothing more than to fall into bed and play WoW or watch a tv show/movie, etc. There's not necessarily anything wrong with those things, but it contributes to my mess when all i do is toss stuff down anywhere. When clothes come out of the dryer, i need to fold them and put them away immediately. When i drop something, i need to pick it up. Everything needs to have a place and i need to put it there so i can find it, not lose it or damage it. So no more letting things slide because i'm tired (/sigh).

But there's other aspects to this goal, as well. i'm going to be talking about them a lot in this blog. For one thing, i'm sick of just following everyone else and not thinking through my actions. Do i really need to be bringing home/using plastic bags? Should i be drinking water out of little plastic bottles? i want to start conserving and Re-Using, and there's no point in putting it off any longer.

3 - live healthy... and hopefully lose weight

i.e. ban high fructose corn syrup from my diet (this means Coca-Cola, among other things) and cut back my portions and intake of unhealthy foods (such as those that are fatty, fried, and meat, which i eat entirely too much of ). For the past couple of weeks i've been eating fast food nearly every time i go to work, gradually gaining back the ten pounds i lost when running three times a week this fall. i need to lose weight, perhaps not to get a perfect body, but to at least get below 200 pounds. But even if i don't see results--ever--i still need to keep running, keep moving, keep making smart choices for my body. It would be easy to just give up, keep drinking Coke every day of my life, but i'm not going to do that. Just because i feel like a failure when it comes to my body doesn't make i can give up.

4 - conquer my brown/black thumb and replace it with a green one

Growing my own food is something i've been wanting to try for a couple of years and would be healthier than always buying from the grocery store. i'm not sure i can compost here, because my dad feeds everything to the chickens and goats, but that is a goal that i have for the future.

i guess that's all i can think of right now, but this is all a work in progress. i'm sooo tired right now, i have many ideas floating around my head and even crammed in the back of my brain, but this is my beginning. Lets see where it goes from here....