Wow, today was so much better! i had a rough weekend, with my side and back bothering me a lot on Saturday and Sunday (until after lunch). Once my side stopped acting up i felt back to normal and even played line tag with the youth at church, though i was always tagged out so quickly that i didn't even get my heart rate up. When i woke up my back was a bit tight so i wasn't quite sure what to expect for my run.
i chose to go with the Podrunner Intervals this week and it is sooo much better. The songs only stop when you're supposed to change paces, and only for a second or two, and the music helped me focus on my breathing. That's what i worked on today, breathing from the stomach, and quickly discovered that the 2:2 pattern works best for me. This helped me go a lot farther without tiring as quickly, i was surprised when the first interval ended because i wasn't feeling tired yet. For the 2-5 intervals i could tell when the end was coming because it became a lot harder for me to focus on and regulate my breathing. i didn't focus on my pace at all, just my breathing, and the run fell in with the beat. i think i was running a bit slower than last week but my body wasn't tight and feeling unnaturally stiff like before. At the end of the fifth interval my right calf got a slight cramp that still hasn't completely gone away even though i've stretched it out (maybe in the shower, which is next). My sixth and last interval was much more difficult, about halfway through i just ran out of energy and it was at a crawling shuffle that i finished. But i feel very good about my run today, for one thing i didn't see how i was going to be able to run for 90s after Saturday's experience, but i did it!
The temp was a beautiful 72 degrees with gusty "winds rom SE at 13 mph", nowhere near as bad as last time it was windy. i had to run into the wind my first interval, it was pretty calm the rest of the time, and at the end it completely stopped right when i wanted it the most. ): Oh well, i'm enjoying the fall for now. (:
Monday, September 29, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Cto5k W1D6
I was really dragging on Thursday, idky. Friday i was going to try for an evening run, but had forgotten something I had scheduled so it didn't work out. So i ran this morning instead, a day late, and it was quite a challenge. Yesterday i was so busy that i didn't eat enough, today my back and side were a little tight (i hurt my lower right back almost two years ago now and while it has healed tremendously it still bothers me from time to time, but it hasn't been this bad in months). My first two intervals were fine, my breathing had improved, but then during my walk i got a cramp that wasn't paralyzing, but it was down my entire side, and i couldn't stretch or massage it out. i tried speed walking for my next two intervals and it finally stopped. i ran the next four intervals, but i really had to push myself. So i guess i'm going to do week 2 next week but i really didn't feel like i had a strong finish this week.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
awww....
Big kitties are so beautiful. The one thing i liked about Aladdin was Jasmine's pet tiger. These cats make me think of Sneaux, Luinel's pet on WoW. i want to have a bunch of huge cats laying around my house in Heaven. (:
All taken by Sooper-Deviant, along with other awesome nature photos that you might want to check out.
All taken by Sooper-Deviant, along with other awesome nature photos that you might want to check out.
Cto5k W1D5
Well i stretched, ran, stretched, ate lunch, drank water, and am now ready to hit the shower and do some laundry. i really need to finish setting up my room, it's getting ridiculous stepping over boxes and living out of a suitcase. Of course, i desperately need more hangers...
The run was a challenge today. i ran the first interval at a comfortable speed and ran the rest at the slower speed. My heart rate was higher for longer and i had to really focus on breathing. i guess that it is indeed my oxygen deprivation / carbon dioxide overdose that is wearing me out and making me want to stop prematurely, because my muscles are definitely raring to go and full of energy, but the longer i run the more i feel the need to drag (even though at this moment i can't even tell that i took a run and want to do so again). Maybe i should be lifting weights on Tuesday and Thursday, i feel as if i'm not getting enough of a workout (even though my lungs definitely are, my muscles are not nearly tired). My aunt, however, says that she can tell that i'm getting thinner. i guess i'll take that as a complement.
i did get a stitch for the first time today, kind of in my diaphragm i think, right as i ended my third interval, and walked for over a minute with it, wondering what i was supposed to do. i paused the podcast, leaned down as if to touch my toes, but with my hands on my waist, and it stopped. Hmm, will read up on this development, as i don't think i'd had a stitch in my side in over a decade.
The run was a challenge today. i ran the first interval at a comfortable speed and ran the rest at the slower speed. My heart rate was higher for longer and i had to really focus on breathing. i guess that it is indeed my oxygen deprivation / carbon dioxide overdose that is wearing me out and making me want to stop prematurely, because my muscles are definitely raring to go and full of energy, but the longer i run the more i feel the need to drag (even though at this moment i can't even tell that i took a run and want to do so again). Maybe i should be lifting weights on Tuesday and Thursday, i feel as if i'm not getting enough of a workout (even though my lungs definitely are, my muscles are not nearly tired). My aunt, however, says that she can tell that i'm getting thinner. i guess i'll take that as a complement.
i did get a stitch for the first time today, kind of in my diaphragm i think, right as i ended my third interval, and walked for over a minute with it, wondering what i was supposed to do. i paused the podcast, leaned down as if to touch my toes, but with my hands on my waist, and it stopped. Hmm, will read up on this development, as i don't think i'd had a stitch in my side in over a decade.
hmmm
There's no use in focusing on what you can't do, just think about all the stuff you can do.
~ PastaQueen
Hmm... What can i do? Put in for another fifty jobs and hope that i get an interview; or i could try to get a job doing work study. i could keep working on my classwork or i could just stop going to class (lol, rest assured i'm leaning towards the former). i can get my butt ready to run Cto5k W1D5 or just lay here wishing the stupid WoW Test Server Downloader doesn't take so long to download patches. i could work on Beth Moore or do homework. i could watch more Inu-Yasha, or Heroes, or try to determine if Fringe and NCIS are on their respective websites yet. i could go eat a bunch of food (really would rather not and possibly reach my weight loss goal for the week). According to Mom i could go to the Vineyard tonight and try to meet guys, or let her friends try to hook me up with a nice Christian boy. i could try to pop this zit or i could leave it alone... hmm....
~ PastaQueen
Hmm... What can i do? Put in for another fifty jobs and hope that i get an interview; or i could try to get a job doing work study. i could keep working on my classwork or i could just stop going to class (lol, rest assured i'm leaning towards the former). i can get my butt ready to run Cto5k W1D5 or just lay here wishing the stupid WoW Test Server Downloader doesn't take so long to download patches. i could work on Beth Moore or do homework. i could watch more Inu-Yasha, or Heroes, or try to determine if Fringe and NCIS are on their respective websites yet. i could go eat a bunch of food (really would rather not and possibly reach my weight loss goal for the week). According to Mom i could go to the Vineyard tonight and try to meet guys, or let her friends try to hook me up with a nice Christian boy. i could try to pop this zit or i could leave it alone... hmm....
Monday, September 22, 2008
Cto5k W1D4
78
partly cloudy
wind = "from S at 17 mph gusting at 22 mph"
i am tired; i didn't realize how hard it is to run against and perpindicular to the wind. i don't know if that is actually how fast the wind is, but it wasn't very gusty until my cooldown (when it picked up). It's actually coming from the SE.
So my first two intervals i let loose and ran the speed i wanted to and it was heavenly. But running against the wind really took it out of me, so i had to slow back down, and it was so hard today. i had to push through every time, force myself to start at the beginning of the interval, because i just didn't feel like fighting against that wind. Running slower definitely gives my muscles more of a burn, and i got a cramp in my foot during my stretch after my cd. i like the cooler weather, but please no more wind, or i'm going to have to find somewhere else to run. ):
i was having trouble regulating my breathing, today, too, i had to force myself to breathe, it was really weird. Maybe Wednesday i'll alternate running slower with running the speed that's comfortable? Oh, i did run every interval all the way through, that was an accomplishment. (: Now to get ready for my interview...
partly cloudy
wind = "from S at 17 mph gusting at 22 mph"
i am tired; i didn't realize how hard it is to run against and perpindicular to the wind. i don't know if that is actually how fast the wind is, but it wasn't very gusty until my cooldown (when it picked up). It's actually coming from the SE.
So my first two intervals i let loose and ran the speed i wanted to and it was heavenly. But running against the wind really took it out of me, so i had to slow back down, and it was so hard today. i had to push through every time, force myself to start at the beginning of the interval, because i just didn't feel like fighting against that wind. Running slower definitely gives my muscles more of a burn, and i got a cramp in my foot during my stretch after my cd. i like the cooler weather, but please no more wind, or i'm going to have to find somewhere else to run. ):
i was having trouble regulating my breathing, today, too, i had to force myself to breathe, it was really weird. Maybe Wednesday i'll alternate running slower with running the speed that's comfortable? Oh, i did run every interval all the way through, that was an accomplishment. (: Now to get ready for my interview...
labels done... whew
i have finally gone through all my old posts and labeled them. i had done more than i thought i had, but i still had around 150 to finish. Now all my posts are labeled, just in case any of my readers want to go back and read what i have to say on a certain subject. lol, yeah, i'm not holding my breath on that, but still, it's done.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
re: waiting
"What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, 'Stop, you're doing it wrong!' Does the pot exclaim, 'How clumsy can you be?'"
~ Isaiah 45:9
i know, i am stubborn, and can be foolish, but in the end i always make the right choice. i cannot turn my back on God. i must submit to His will. It is the hardest thing that anyone can do, to deny (him or) herself and fully submit to God's will, particularly when you aren't even fully aware of what that will is. My new Sunday School teacher paid me a great compliment today when he said that he can see my faith, that i'm hurting, but that if he had to go into battle he would want to go with me because: "You're a trooper."
It is obvious that not everyone shares his esteem, but what is that to me? They do not know me, they cannot hurt me, i know who i am. i am a daughter of the King, i turn back for no man, i don't save anything for the swim back, i fight with every mote in my being. i shall never take an easy out, or give up, to do so would betray all that i am and all the faith God has placed in me. Even as i despair, wanting to blame God, i know that He is my only hope, my only possibility for rescue, but that does not mean that i am taking it easy. Waiting for God is the most difficult endeavor that anyone can pursue.
"And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him."
~ Hebrews 11:5 (NAS)
i have always been a Seeker. i have been whining far too much, i'm sorry for that, i have too much Job in me. i am too weak, too self-seeking, too prideful. i am not as much like Christ as i should be. My self-preservation instinct is far too strong lately, i need to trust Him with abandon again, and it's very hard for me. Nearly a decade of my worst fears... i never expected to come true... but i live it every day. i am walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death and i do fear evil, i have given Satan and his minions far too much power over me, and i don't know how to get free. i have prayed about this over and over again.
"If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and He will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask Him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the LORD. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do."
~ James 1:5-8
How can i be so shallow, so full of doubt? i don't expect Him to respond anymore, not after a decade of unanswered prayers (prayers that i cannot hear an answer to). i don't even know what to ask for anymore, i am so lost and confused. i was supposed to write a letter to God two weeks ago for my Beth Moore study, honestly outlining the deepest and truest desires of my heart. i don't know how to talk to Him anymore, i am so tossed by the wind, i am utterly confused. Even when people reassure me, i agree with them, but my heart is full of doubt at the same time. How am i supposed to stop doubting God?!? i have no answer.
"I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!"
~ Mark 9:24b
~ Isaiah 45:9
i know, i am stubborn, and can be foolish, but in the end i always make the right choice. i cannot turn my back on God. i must submit to His will. It is the hardest thing that anyone can do, to deny (him or) herself and fully submit to God's will, particularly when you aren't even fully aware of what that will is. My new Sunday School teacher paid me a great compliment today when he said that he can see my faith, that i'm hurting, but that if he had to go into battle he would want to go with me because: "You're a trooper."
It is obvious that not everyone shares his esteem, but what is that to me? They do not know me, they cannot hurt me, i know who i am. i am a daughter of the King, i turn back for no man, i don't save anything for the swim back, i fight with every mote in my being. i shall never take an easy out, or give up, to do so would betray all that i am and all the faith God has placed in me. Even as i despair, wanting to blame God, i know that He is my only hope, my only possibility for rescue, but that does not mean that i am taking it easy. Waiting for God is the most difficult endeavor that anyone can pursue.
"And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him."
~ Hebrews 11:5 (NAS)
i have always been a Seeker. i have been whining far too much, i'm sorry for that, i have too much Job in me. i am too weak, too self-seeking, too prideful. i am not as much like Christ as i should be. My self-preservation instinct is far too strong lately, i need to trust Him with abandon again, and it's very hard for me. Nearly a decade of my worst fears... i never expected to come true... but i live it every day. i am walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death and i do fear evil, i have given Satan and his minions far too much power over me, and i don't know how to get free. i have prayed about this over and over again.
"If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and He will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask Him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the LORD. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do."
~ James 1:5-8
How can i be so shallow, so full of doubt? i don't expect Him to respond anymore, not after a decade of unanswered prayers (prayers that i cannot hear an answer to). i don't even know what to ask for anymore, i am so lost and confused. i was supposed to write a letter to God two weeks ago for my Beth Moore study, honestly outlining the deepest and truest desires of my heart. i don't know how to talk to Him anymore, i am so tossed by the wind, i am utterly confused. Even when people reassure me, i agree with them, but my heart is full of doubt at the same time. How am i supposed to stop doubting God?!? i have no answer.
"I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!"
~ Mark 9:24b
oh yes, i wait
Searching for the word "wait" in the New Living Translation provides 235 matches, not all of which are applicable to my situation, but many are (for more info read the comments to my last post). As a lover of freedom i am not one for censorship, but i'm through letting people insult me anonymously. If you want to say something, go ahead, i don't mind as long as it's not lewd or spam. But i am tired of being insulted by people who are ignorant and conceited.
i'm sorry that i'm coming across as harsh. i have sought professional help in the past and it was a waste of time and money, two things i do not have to spare at this time. i refuse to be lectured by mundanes who are more lost than i am. Save your judgment and hatred and ignorance for someone else.
History has taught us that not waiting for God is the stupidest thing you can do. The best example of this is the conflict between the Jews and Muslims in the Middle East. Why couldn't Abraham trust God and keep it in his pants??? i will not make the same mistake.
i'm sorry that i'm coming across as harsh. i have sought professional help in the past and it was a waste of time and money, two things i do not have to spare at this time. i refuse to be lectured by mundanes who are more lost than i am. Save your judgment and hatred and ignorance for someone else.
History has taught us that not waiting for God is the stupidest thing you can do. The best example of this is the conflict between the Jews and Muslims in the Middle East. Why couldn't Abraham trust God and keep it in his pants??? i will not make the same mistake.
so my morning pretty much stunk
i got an Anonymous comment already about my last post (i hate anonymity lol, don't know what frame of reference it comes from). i enjoy getting comments, but sometimes i'm not sure how to respond. For instance, why do i need to forgive myself? What did i do "wrong" to require said repentance? i don't understand what Mr./Ms. Anon. was getting at so i can't follow said advice. i also don't understand the boredom comment; interesting concept, but i'm not sure how it applies, as i wouldn't consider myself to be bored. The truth is that i had given up on falling in love and getting married, then God sent Brad into my life, all my dreams were finally coming true, hope was renewed, and then Brad left. What part of that equates to boredom??? i'm very confused.
But i will say the starting over part is exactly what i don't know how or want to do... i am so sick of it. i am sick of trying to rebuild my life only to have it torn apart yet again. What is the point in trying at all if it's all just going to get thrown out and deemed worthless yet again??? This happens to me every couple of years, i never get to completely rebuild, once i finally start to get to a place where i am starting to feel semi-whole and happy it is all destroyed. This majorly pisses me off, particularly when all of it was done while trying to follow God's will, so what is that saying about what is getting destroyed? Was it not God's will? Was it only God's will for a little while? It's such b.s. and entirely cheapens all the hard work i've put into it.
My entire family is hurtful and abusive, should i just get rid of them too? i got up this morning, ate my breakfast, tell a joke, and get told to "go to hell" in response. Yeah, that's pleasant. People keep on treating me badly, saying that i'm acting bad, when i'm not, it's them projecting. i can only be responsible for my own actions. i didn't even respond to any of the rude things that were said to me this morning, it was all i could to get up and walk around, what could they really say to make my life worse? Nothing, because all of my hopes and dreams have already been shattered and thrown in the garbage.
All i can do is keep breathing and have faith in God, and that's all i have strength for. i don't know how to rebuild, i have been trying to do that for over twenty years and still can't figure it out. i don't feel young, i feel old, and exhausted, i have spiritual pneumonia, i am blind, i am lost. i walk through each day either ignoring the pain or being paralyzed it. i try to not think about the man i love, the God who i love with my very being, and just get by. i can do no better. i can't end this, i can't give up, i can't move on, it is not in my capability. If i could move on, i would, but i don't know how. i don't want to love Him or him anymore, it hurts too much, but i can't deny myself and who i am. i am what He made me and what he made me and what twenty-five years of experience have molded me into.
i am so tired of waiting, fighting just to survive, wondering when my life is ever going to begin. My mom mentioned my depression when i moved to Colorado, when i instantly gained fifty pounds. What i felt then was nothing, is so shallow and easy compared to what i live with now. i don't allow myself to dwell on the pain any more than i have to, i just shove down the pain in my chest and keep going, crawling forward inch by inch, even though i know it is only a matter of time before everything i have worked for gets torn away from me again. It is a harsh reality. People tell me that God has something better for me in store, that things will get better, but i can only wonder: when? i've been waiting for my entire life. i've been fighting for over a decade. i don't know why i even try, but i can't stop. i don't know how to stop. i don't know how to be anything but what i am.
But i will say the starting over part is exactly what i don't know how or want to do... i am so sick of it. i am sick of trying to rebuild my life only to have it torn apart yet again. What is the point in trying at all if it's all just going to get thrown out and deemed worthless yet again??? This happens to me every couple of years, i never get to completely rebuild, once i finally start to get to a place where i am starting to feel semi-whole and happy it is all destroyed. This majorly pisses me off, particularly when all of it was done while trying to follow God's will, so what is that saying about what is getting destroyed? Was it not God's will? Was it only God's will for a little while? It's such b.s. and entirely cheapens all the hard work i've put into it.
My entire family is hurtful and abusive, should i just get rid of them too? i got up this morning, ate my breakfast, tell a joke, and get told to "go to hell" in response. Yeah, that's pleasant. People keep on treating me badly, saying that i'm acting bad, when i'm not, it's them projecting. i can only be responsible for my own actions. i didn't even respond to any of the rude things that were said to me this morning, it was all i could to get up and walk around, what could they really say to make my life worse? Nothing, because all of my hopes and dreams have already been shattered and thrown in the garbage.
All i can do is keep breathing and have faith in God, and that's all i have strength for. i don't know how to rebuild, i have been trying to do that for over twenty years and still can't figure it out. i don't feel young, i feel old, and exhausted, i have spiritual pneumonia, i am blind, i am lost. i walk through each day either ignoring the pain or being paralyzed it. i try to not think about the man i love, the God who i love with my very being, and just get by. i can do no better. i can't end this, i can't give up, i can't move on, it is not in my capability. If i could move on, i would, but i don't know how. i don't want to love Him or him anymore, it hurts too much, but i can't deny myself and who i am. i am what He made me and what he made me and what twenty-five years of experience have molded me into.
i am so tired of waiting, fighting just to survive, wondering when my life is ever going to begin. My mom mentioned my depression when i moved to Colorado, when i instantly gained fifty pounds. What i felt then was nothing, is so shallow and easy compared to what i live with now. i don't allow myself to dwell on the pain any more than i have to, i just shove down the pain in my chest and keep going, crawling forward inch by inch, even though i know it is only a matter of time before everything i have worked for gets torn away from me again. It is a harsh reality. People tell me that God has something better for me in store, that things will get better, but i can only wonder: when? i've been waiting for my entire life. i've been fighting for over a decade. i don't know why i even try, but i can't stop. i don't know how to stop. i don't know how to be anything but what i am.
and now i feel like crying
i don't know why i clicked on Brad's MySpace profile, but i did, and i got a little surprise. He's now listed as "In a Relationship" and i'm pretty sure that it never said that for me. He's probably up right now, cuz his last log in was today, early as it is. i almost left a comment, but i didn't. All i was going to say was: "In a relationship. Hm..." but i know he wouldn't appreciate it. i could have said something snide, like, "Oh good, now you can go whine to someone else when you get drunk," or, "So you were ashamed of me after all."
Am i burning my bridges? i guess it doesn't matter, he just uses me for whatever he wants and then ditches me. It's already too late because he's never going to say that he's sorry because he isn't sorry.
It occurred to me last night (well, Friday night), while i was listening to Josh McDowell's testimony, that i hadn't even considered forgiving him. It seemed strange to me, because i don't hate him, i don't think i'm holding a grudge, i'm just very, very hurt whenever i allow myself to think about it. What am i supposed to take from this? All i want is to get married and spend the rest of my life with one man, but apparently that is too much to ask. i can't help but think about him, even though i only knew him in person for two weeks everything around me is colored by his likes and dislikes, by what he would say and do in response. Most of the time i am focused on the good times, on how much hope and joy he gave me. When i focus on the darkness, on the anger and hatred and disrespect, i am filled with sorrow.
Only i usually don't really feel it. My emotions are more level now, and i feel as if i am denying a part of myself, cutting myself off. i don't want to cry anymore, which is scary because i don't want to lose that ability ever again. But i don't know what to do, i can't feel like that every day, i wouldn't be able to exist, let alone thrive.
He blames the break up on me. He was the one who walked away. He was the one who wanted six months on hold. And i knew that wasn't what he really wanted, he just didn't want complications, he didn't want long distance, he didn't want me... i should yell at him, curse at him, hate him, but i don't. i just don't understand why. Everything i thought i knew about love, i guess i was wrong. How am i supposed to write when i have no idea what i'm talking about? i had never thought it before, but i guess that i don't understand men, i guess that all my observations of the past 25+ years have betrayed me and i really don't have the slightest idea what i'm doing.
Lol, like that's any revelation.
i hate being alone. i hate not having any friends but don't know how to find any. i hate being single but am not going to dress provocatively or flirt to get a guy. i hate going into a public place and being absolutely alone. i still haven't been on a date. It's hard to believe anything but that he was ashamed of me. It's hard to believe anything but that he came to see me to see how far he could get, to get off as it were (which i don't want to think of him, but is what his actions seem to indicate). i was foolish, i was in love, i was so stupid to believe that we had a future together, to think that when he spoke of farming and opening store that he meant that he wanted me by his side. i feel used and betrayed (and relieved that i didn't give anything more than i felt was morally right). Everything i did, i did it in love, how am i supposed to change that? How am i supposed to be ashamed of that? All that i can see in him now is foolish pride and meanness and hatred. Did he actually ever love me?
i still feel like i'm missing a part of myself. i know that i need God, but i don't feel like there is anything wrong with needing a man, either (read the first few chapters of Genesis, for crying out loud, it is not good for man or woman to be alone). i don't know if Brad is my soulmate, i just don't know if i could trust him anymore even if he came back to me, all i know is that i want to forgive him, i want to get back together, i miss him so very much. i remember when i had to talk to him every night or it would feel like my heart would be ripped out; i still have the echoes of that in me. i still can't see any worthwhile future without him, how sick is that, that i have to have an asshole for happiness? All he would tell me is that there were things going on that i didn't understand, how could i when he shut me out and wouldn't communicate at all?
i did not choose this, i still do not choose it. i broke up with him in response of two months of his hurting me, he kept pushing me away until i couldn't hold on anymore. And now i don't know what to do, how to be alone, how i am supposed to want to be apart from him, how i could ever possibly want another, i don't understand. i still love him and miss him, stupid as that may seem. i don't know how to be anything else.
Am i burning my bridges? i guess it doesn't matter, he just uses me for whatever he wants and then ditches me. It's already too late because he's never going to say that he's sorry because he isn't sorry.
It occurred to me last night (well, Friday night), while i was listening to Josh McDowell's testimony, that i hadn't even considered forgiving him. It seemed strange to me, because i don't hate him, i don't think i'm holding a grudge, i'm just very, very hurt whenever i allow myself to think about it. What am i supposed to take from this? All i want is to get married and spend the rest of my life with one man, but apparently that is too much to ask. i can't help but think about him, even though i only knew him in person for two weeks everything around me is colored by his likes and dislikes, by what he would say and do in response. Most of the time i am focused on the good times, on how much hope and joy he gave me. When i focus on the darkness, on the anger and hatred and disrespect, i am filled with sorrow.
Only i usually don't really feel it. My emotions are more level now, and i feel as if i am denying a part of myself, cutting myself off. i don't want to cry anymore, which is scary because i don't want to lose that ability ever again. But i don't know what to do, i can't feel like that every day, i wouldn't be able to exist, let alone thrive.
He blames the break up on me. He was the one who walked away. He was the one who wanted six months on hold. And i knew that wasn't what he really wanted, he just didn't want complications, he didn't want long distance, he didn't want me... i should yell at him, curse at him, hate him, but i don't. i just don't understand why. Everything i thought i knew about love, i guess i was wrong. How am i supposed to write when i have no idea what i'm talking about? i had never thought it before, but i guess that i don't understand men, i guess that all my observations of the past 25+ years have betrayed me and i really don't have the slightest idea what i'm doing.
Lol, like that's any revelation.
i hate being alone. i hate not having any friends but don't know how to find any. i hate being single but am not going to dress provocatively or flirt to get a guy. i hate going into a public place and being absolutely alone. i still haven't been on a date. It's hard to believe anything but that he was ashamed of me. It's hard to believe anything but that he came to see me to see how far he could get, to get off as it were (which i don't want to think of him, but is what his actions seem to indicate). i was foolish, i was in love, i was so stupid to believe that we had a future together, to think that when he spoke of farming and opening store that he meant that he wanted me by his side. i feel used and betrayed (and relieved that i didn't give anything more than i felt was morally right). Everything i did, i did it in love, how am i supposed to change that? How am i supposed to be ashamed of that? All that i can see in him now is foolish pride and meanness and hatred. Did he actually ever love me?
i still feel like i'm missing a part of myself. i know that i need God, but i don't feel like there is anything wrong with needing a man, either (read the first few chapters of Genesis, for crying out loud, it is not good for man or woman to be alone). i don't know if Brad is my soulmate, i just don't know if i could trust him anymore even if he came back to me, all i know is that i want to forgive him, i want to get back together, i miss him so very much. i remember when i had to talk to him every night or it would feel like my heart would be ripped out; i still have the echoes of that in me. i still can't see any worthwhile future without him, how sick is that, that i have to have an asshole for happiness? All he would tell me is that there were things going on that i didn't understand, how could i when he shut me out and wouldn't communicate at all?
i did not choose this, i still do not choose it. i broke up with him in response of two months of his hurting me, he kept pushing me away until i couldn't hold on anymore. And now i don't know what to do, how to be alone, how i am supposed to want to be apart from him, how i could ever possibly want another, i don't understand. i still love him and miss him, stupid as that may seem. i don't know how to be anything else.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
ugh
Yesterday was horrible. Today i have cramps. i don't want to get out of bed but i'm getting very hungry.
i don't know why, but i have gradually started agonizing about Brad again. i'm not depressed, just regretful as ever. i don't understand why, he has treated me horribly and when he left stopped making me happy. But i still miss him, still care about how he is doing, and no matter how hard i try cannot get over him. There are so many logical reasons for me to be relieved that we didn't work out, little ways that we did not mesh well, problems that i was willing to overlook. i have come to the conclusion that i loved him more for what he could become than what he was, though i was certainly blind to some of what he is. He apparently couldn't accept my body for what it is and considers himself to be completely blameless in the matter, will listen to no criticism whatsoever. i am the one who is a crazy b#&%$, unreasonable, critical, etc. i never thought that it was unreasonable to be critical about being treated like crap. Still, i feel like i am missing something, as if something must be my fault, but i can not discern it at all.
It almost feels like a betrayal on my part not to be emotionally bereft anymore. How can i say that i truly loved him when i broke up with him, am trying to ignore all the hurtful things he still says to me, am desperately searching for a way to move on??? But i do love him, even as i hate what he did, and i did in response, and yet i feel utterly justified and glad that i did it. It's all mixed up, i can't articulate it, i can't even understand it in my own head. It's time to get up now, maybe i'll try again when i feel better.
i don't know why, but i have gradually started agonizing about Brad again. i'm not depressed, just regretful as ever. i don't understand why, he has treated me horribly and when he left stopped making me happy. But i still miss him, still care about how he is doing, and no matter how hard i try cannot get over him. There are so many logical reasons for me to be relieved that we didn't work out, little ways that we did not mesh well, problems that i was willing to overlook. i have come to the conclusion that i loved him more for what he could become than what he was, though i was certainly blind to some of what he is. He apparently couldn't accept my body for what it is and considers himself to be completely blameless in the matter, will listen to no criticism whatsoever. i am the one who is a crazy b#&%$, unreasonable, critical, etc. i never thought that it was unreasonable to be critical about being treated like crap. Still, i feel like i am missing something, as if something must be my fault, but i can not discern it at all.
It almost feels like a betrayal on my part not to be emotionally bereft anymore. How can i say that i truly loved him when i broke up with him, am trying to ignore all the hurtful things he still says to me, am desperately searching for a way to move on??? But i do love him, even as i hate what he did, and i did in response, and yet i feel utterly justified and glad that i did it. It's all mixed up, i can't articulate it, i can't even understand it in my own head. It's time to get up now, maybe i'll try again when i feel better.
Friday, September 19, 2008
musings on body image
i am not trying to lose weight because i hate my body; i am doing it because i love my body. i don't want to show off my flesh, i'm modest, and yes, i'm somewhat ashamed of what other people will think. People in the American culture hate fat, are repulsed by love handles, don't want to look obesity in the face but rather mock the individuals for their weakness and failings while staring at them from the neck down (just look at any segment on obesity the next time you're watching your nightly newscast). i've been dealing with this for a long time; people started telling me that i was fat in third grade, and i believed them. i didn't gain weight until i was almost eighteen, when i moved to Colorado. That was when i became fat... and that was when i started to learn how to love my body.
It seems like a contradiction in terms, doesn't it? It wasn't until i lost my healthy body (that was exactly what i would want to have now) that i realized that i already had it. i don't know what it's like to feel thin because i believed the lies, so i didn't feel skinny when i was. Now i love to curl into bed naked and revel in the feel of my skin, the curves in my body. i hate looking in the mirror because my eyes do not show me what i feel that i am in my heart. i'm not going to take off my clothes and let it all hang out in public anytime soon (unlike some... warning: artistic photos of nude plus sized women), but i refuse to be ashamed of my body. Anyone who has a problem with my body can shove it cuz i really don't want to hear it. i didn't choose to be this way, i fought it kicking and screaming, but you know what, i would rather be fat and happy with myself than skinny and a flirty flake. i don't want to be thin, i want to be healthy, i like having meat on my bones. i don't want to be an anorexic model, i want to be a goddess incarnate, a reflection of what it means to be healthy and truly beautiful.
i am losing weight for no one but myself. Anyone who doesn't like me for who i am obviously doesn't really love me, so why would i want to have anything to do with them? Saying one thing and then saying another, the complete opposite, is just two faced and i have no patience for it. i don't want to let anyone hurt me anymore. i can't stop loving, but i guess it's time to start protecting myself... i'm just not quite sure how.
It seems like a contradiction in terms, doesn't it? It wasn't until i lost my healthy body (that was exactly what i would want to have now) that i realized that i already had it. i don't know what it's like to feel thin because i believed the lies, so i didn't feel skinny when i was. Now i love to curl into bed naked and revel in the feel of my skin, the curves in my body. i hate looking in the mirror because my eyes do not show me what i feel that i am in my heart. i'm not going to take off my clothes and let it all hang out in public anytime soon (unlike some... warning: artistic photos of nude plus sized women), but i refuse to be ashamed of my body. Anyone who has a problem with my body can shove it cuz i really don't want to hear it. i didn't choose to be this way, i fought it kicking and screaming, but you know what, i would rather be fat and happy with myself than skinny and a flirty flake. i don't want to be thin, i want to be healthy, i like having meat on my bones. i don't want to be an anorexic model, i want to be a goddess incarnate, a reflection of what it means to be healthy and truly beautiful.
i am losing weight for no one but myself. Anyone who doesn't like me for who i am obviously doesn't really love me, so why would i want to have anything to do with them? Saying one thing and then saying another, the complete opposite, is just two faced and i have no patience for it. i don't want to let anyone hurt me anymore. i can't stop loving, but i guess it's time to start protecting myself... i'm just not quite sure how.
/woot results!
So today i weighed myself before Beth Moore and i have lost one pound! That may not sound like a lot, but i was so sore on Tuesday and have been eating so much junk (even though i am eating better as a rule i'm still being too lax with my diet) that i was sure that i would probably gain weight this week and start to lose next week. i'm so happy and already psyched to run tomorrow. i need to get some sleep; it's been a long day. It was so weird, i was trying not to fall asleep in class a couple of times but at the same time i felt more energetic today, like there was more umph in my step and the weight of my messenger bag wasn't enough to bother me anymore. i can hardly wait for my weigh in next week. (:
Thursday, September 18, 2008
/yawn
i should be studying for my upcoming test next period but i'm just too tired. i didn't fall asleep until 1am and woke up about 7am and got to my first class four minutes late... i've had an off week. i'm nearly never late. ):
i did finally read Anne Bradstreet and Mary Rowlandson. Man Mary was a whiner, just couldn't understand why those "Ind." wanted the English to leave. i am frequently astonished by the ignorance of the colonists. The past two lessons we were working on Emerson, who i wasn't sure i would like, but have enjoyed. Self-Reliance had a lot in it that i agreed with, and i wanted to write a blog on it, but i'm just too braindead. i was actually trying not to fall asleep in Brit Lit while having a good discussion on the Canterbury Tales' General Prologue.
In other news, i'm not as sore today, though i am still feeling it some in my legs and ankles. i have more energy today than i had on Tuesday and think that tomorrow's run will be even better. Now, if only i could remember to wear a hat so i could keep the sun out of my eyes....
p.s. Here's a good indicator of my mental state: i just posted this at BTL on accident.
i did finally read Anne Bradstreet and Mary Rowlandson. Man Mary was a whiner, just couldn't understand why those "Ind." wanted the English to leave. i am frequently astonished by the ignorance of the colonists. The past two lessons we were working on Emerson, who i wasn't sure i would like, but have enjoyed. Self-Reliance had a lot in it that i agreed with, and i wanted to write a blog on it, but i'm just too braindead. i was actually trying not to fall asleep in Brit Lit while having a good discussion on the Canterbury Tales' General Prologue.
In other news, i'm not as sore today, though i am still feeling it some in my legs and ankles. i have more energy today than i had on Tuesday and think that tomorrow's run will be even better. Now, if only i could remember to wear a hat so i could keep the sun out of my eyes....
p.s. Here's a good indicator of my mental state: i just posted this at BTL on accident.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Cto5k Week 1, Day 2
It's kind of surreal, really. i've been considering taking up running for several years, and it wasn't until i found this program and the associated podcasts that i finally went out and did it. And i am doing it. Sure, today i substituted speedwalking for every other running interval, but i am running. i think i'm going to do Week 1 twice. The odd thing is that i've been sore, but at just the right level so i know it's working and not overtaxing myself. Also, i had more energy today and had to keep myself from taking off too soon, making sure i warmed up slowly and didn't run full out during any of the intervals. i'm going to have to build up to running a comfortable gait, right now i just can't sustain it for that long so i have to be patient and wait. Anyway, my workout went better today, more of a sustained elevation in heartbeat without overtaxing myself and wearing out too fast. i'm sure i'll do even better on Friday. Next week i'll do the same program again but try to run every running interval instead of substituting the speedwalking. i wonder what my weigh in will be like tomorrow after Beth Moore (at the weight loss group).
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
feeling the burn
God has a wicked sense of humor. Dad is out of town today for a shooting match, so i was carpooling with my family to college / homeschool co-op, and of course we were running late. i was trying my hardest to stay calm, patient, but we still got there late, and i did snap at Mom because she kept pulling forward when i had told her to pull up to the curb. I have to walk all the way around the building (maybe it would have been better to tell her to keep pulling forward, where there's another side entrance that's usually unlocked), hurry up three flights of stairs (ouch my legs are sore), and speedwalk to my classroom... only to discover that the lights are off and the room is empty. Class is canceled for the day.
...
/scream
i really, really wish there was some way they could have told me that before we had to get the kids out the door half an hour early. So now i have a free period to catch up on reading i should have done over the weekend (but didn't feel like doing) and of course write a blog about how i am not appreciating God's sense of humor right now...
Only i am. /rofl
...
/scream
i really, really wish there was some way they could have told me that before we had to get the kids out the door half an hour early. So now i have a free period to catch up on reading i should have done over the weekend (but didn't feel like doing) and of course write a blog about how i am not appreciating God's sense of humor right now...
Only i am. /rofl
Magical Mary (for Children's Literature)
For a modern reader, it is difficult to read Mary Poppins without comparing it to the Disney film of the same name. The book and movie are a great favorite of one of my aunts, and she has read the book and its sequel many times. For my part, I was never particularly fond of the movie, and did not read the book until I was given this assignment. While the book and movie at first seem very similar, by the time I reached the end I realized that the two were strikingly different; in fact the book is much rougher around the edges and even a little dark at times. As a matter of fact, Mary Poppins is rather like any fairy tale that Disney retold in that it was made brighter and far less dangerous.
Mary does not float into (or out of) town gracefully: she is blown in violently (Travers 5-6), and caught up again just as quickly when the wind changes (200). Unlike in the Disney film, she does not displace a long line of nannies who are waiting to be interviewed, she arrives before the advertisement is even placed (5). She does slide up the banister and carry a magical carpetbag (8-10), but she is nowhere near as pleasant as Julie Andrews. She is rude to Mrs. Banks (16), doesn’t’ make friends with the other hired help (204), has a perpetual runny nose (9), and throughout the book is nearly always cranky (29). She snaps at the children and rarely has anything nice to say to them; in fact it is a wonder to me that the children love her at all. Above all, Mary’s vice is her vanity (16), as she frequently buys clothing that is nice and always gazes at herself in windows (30).
Mary is not normal; most of the magical things that happen in the book are clearly a result of her own power. On her date with Bert they jump into one of his drawings, and not only does her clothing change to suit her taste, the raspberry tarts that Bert could not afford are at the tea (21-23). When Uncle Albert is laughing on the ceiling, she is the one who causes the table to fly so that they can have tea on the ceiling (38). She can talk to animals (60-62, 164) and appears to be the only adult in the world who has retained the ability since childhood (140). Most astonishing of all she can instantly command a compass to take her any direction and any distance across the face of the planet (89).
Mary isn’t the only magical being in the book, however. The Red Cow catches a star on her horn and can’t stop dancing until she jumps over the moon (74, 77). Mrs. Corry bakes magical gingerbread and snaps off her fingers as candy (120, 123), then puts the foil stars in the sky as new stars (132). Maia comes down from the heavens for her Christmas shopping (181-182), then walks on air to get back home (189-192).
When all is said and done, Mary Poppins is a paradox. She uses her magic often but afterwards seems to have forgotten what happened or denies that she did anything of the sort. She expects others to be kind and polite and obedient but does not demonstrate those qualities herself. She lies and manipulates when it suits her, and is anything but pleasant most of the time, and yet the children love her dearly and are devastated when she leaves. Overall I would submit that Mary’s powers and adventures are imaginative, but not entirely interesting. In fact, other books and shows have used some of the same ideas but executed them in a more humorous manner. This book does look at the world in a different way, was most likely very original at the time it was written, but I would not want to read it over and over again, nor will I live more fully because I have read it.
Mary does not float into (or out of) town gracefully: she is blown in violently (Travers 5-6), and caught up again just as quickly when the wind changes (200). Unlike in the Disney film, she does not displace a long line of nannies who are waiting to be interviewed, she arrives before the advertisement is even placed (5). She does slide up the banister and carry a magical carpetbag (8-10), but she is nowhere near as pleasant as Julie Andrews. She is rude to Mrs. Banks (16), doesn’t’ make friends with the other hired help (204), has a perpetual runny nose (9), and throughout the book is nearly always cranky (29). She snaps at the children and rarely has anything nice to say to them; in fact it is a wonder to me that the children love her at all. Above all, Mary’s vice is her vanity (16), as she frequently buys clothing that is nice and always gazes at herself in windows (30).
Mary is not normal; most of the magical things that happen in the book are clearly a result of her own power. On her date with Bert they jump into one of his drawings, and not only does her clothing change to suit her taste, the raspberry tarts that Bert could not afford are at the tea (21-23). When Uncle Albert is laughing on the ceiling, she is the one who causes the table to fly so that they can have tea on the ceiling (38). She can talk to animals (60-62, 164) and appears to be the only adult in the world who has retained the ability since childhood (140). Most astonishing of all she can instantly command a compass to take her any direction and any distance across the face of the planet (89).
Mary isn’t the only magical being in the book, however. The Red Cow catches a star on her horn and can’t stop dancing until she jumps over the moon (74, 77). Mrs. Corry bakes magical gingerbread and snaps off her fingers as candy (120, 123), then puts the foil stars in the sky as new stars (132). Maia comes down from the heavens for her Christmas shopping (181-182), then walks on air to get back home (189-192).
When all is said and done, Mary Poppins is a paradox. She uses her magic often but afterwards seems to have forgotten what happened or denies that she did anything of the sort. She expects others to be kind and polite and obedient but does not demonstrate those qualities herself. She lies and manipulates when it suits her, and is anything but pleasant most of the time, and yet the children love her dearly and are devastated when she leaves. Overall I would submit that Mary’s powers and adventures are imaginative, but not entirely interesting. In fact, other books and shows have used some of the same ideas but executed them in a more humorous manner. This book does look at the world in a different way, was most likely very original at the time it was written, but I would not want to read it over and over again, nor will I live more fully because I have read it.
Monday, September 15, 2008
time to get serious
My weight has gradually crept back up to 241. Granted, that isn't the 260+ pounds that i once peaked at, but it is still far, far, too high. i would like to say that some of it is muscle that i have developed from taking seven flights of stairs two times a week while hauling thirty extra pounds in the form of books, but i'm not sure that it's true. i think that my core has been getting stronger, but either way, my weight needs to go down.
i've been reading the blog Half of Me (just remodeled and renamed PastaQueen, which is really the nickname of the author) and procrastinating for months. i don't think that i want to go on the South Beach Diet (i have issues with not being allowed to eat food made by God and being required to substitute items such as fake sugar), but i know that i need to start working out again and lose lots and lots of weight. i love my body too much to stay this weight, i need to get back under 200 at the least, i've been hanging out up here way too long (nearly eight years ): ).
So today i looked into one of the things she did, which was start running, and set a goal to do that myself. Now i know that i am not going to be able to start running flat out right away (i'm not that stupid): what she did was the Couch to 5k program, and today i did too (at the worst time of the day, too: two in the afternoon). What i read is that you should really jog it, and i tried, i really did. i started out too energetic, speedwalking for my warmup when i should have started at a slower pace, and used up too much energy at the beginning. It was a good start, but i know i'm not there yet; for one thing, i couldn't run the full 60s straight, and had to slow down my walk periods, and for two or three of my run periods all i could do was speedwalk again. However, i did get a good workout, didn't injure myself, and God was kind enough to bless me with a cool breeze once i started getting overheated.
This is my beginning point. i don't want anyone to see me running, i don't want a work out partner to bounce along with, i just want to focus on breathing and not breaking an ankle (lol). With fifteen and a half weeks until the end of year i might be able to get to my ultimate goal (that would be losing five pounds a week) but i am going to aim for about half of that weighing in at 200 pounds. Giving up Coca-Cola didn't help me lose weight, but i am going to try to limit my intake. My goal is also to stop eating as much processed food and eat more natural and organic foods instead (which actually was also a goal for me last year, but i'm still working on it). Anyways, i need to take a shower, do some laundry, and get back to the homework.
i've been reading the blog Half of Me (just remodeled and renamed PastaQueen, which is really the nickname of the author) and procrastinating for months. i don't think that i want to go on the South Beach Diet (i have issues with not being allowed to eat food made by God and being required to substitute items such as fake sugar), but i know that i need to start working out again and lose lots and lots of weight. i love my body too much to stay this weight, i need to get back under 200 at the least, i've been hanging out up here way too long (nearly eight years ): ).
So today i looked into one of the things she did, which was start running, and set a goal to do that myself. Now i know that i am not going to be able to start running flat out right away (i'm not that stupid): what she did was the Couch to 5k program, and today i did too (at the worst time of the day, too: two in the afternoon). What i read is that you should really jog it, and i tried, i really did. i started out too energetic, speedwalking for my warmup when i should have started at a slower pace, and used up too much energy at the beginning. It was a good start, but i know i'm not there yet; for one thing, i couldn't run the full 60s straight, and had to slow down my walk periods, and for two or three of my run periods all i could do was speedwalk again. However, i did get a good workout, didn't injure myself, and God was kind enough to bless me with a cool breeze once i started getting overheated.
This is my beginning point. i don't want anyone to see me running, i don't want a work out partner to bounce along with, i just want to focus on breathing and not breaking an ankle (lol). With fifteen and a half weeks until the end of year i might be able to get to my ultimate goal (that would be losing five pounds a week) but i am going to aim for about half of that weighing in at 200 pounds. Giving up Coca-Cola didn't help me lose weight, but i am going to try to limit my intake. My goal is also to stop eating as much processed food and eat more natural and organic foods instead (which actually was also a goal for me last year, but i'm still working on it). Anyways, i need to take a shower, do some laundry, and get back to the homework.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
patience
The ride to church this morning was highly aggravating. i didn't want to wake up, but did, and got dressed, and ate a quick breakfast, and came out to get into an overstuffed van. i was in a pleasant enough mood, just tired, as i haven't been getting enough sleep this week due to the return of insomnia. The three kids who were sitting behind me proceeded to whine and bicker the entire way into town. If i told them to be quiet, or nice, they would ignore me. My seatbelt kept locking up and choking me. Sammy asked me why i was in a bad mood, why i had been in a bad mood when i came down, which of course doesn't help my mood. And then everyone in the front seat started singing annoying kids' songs about having joy in your heart and all that jazz... because it's so nice to be in a sandwich of rudeness and judgment.
And i know that it's wrong of me to be annoyed, but i need quiet, i have only just gotten out of bed and i can't take the cacophony that i am surrounded by. i'm not a morning person, i need time to wake up so i can process things and not be overloaded. Peace and quiet not being forthcoming, i stuck my fingers in my ears and tried to imagine myself in my happy place, which varies from time to time. Today i was thinking of standing on the Monument embracing the wind a la Pride and Prejudice (the Knightley version). It helped me deal as the cacophony continued unabated.
i arrive in class first of course. No one comes in until 9:01, and the teacher doesn't arrive for several minutes after that. It gave me time to listen to some of the music on my phone, further bolstering my mood. The class was fine once it got started, i suppose, i'm still not sure where i should be. i feel at home in my parents' class, surrounded with acceptance and love. Waiting around for people to show up that i don't really know doesn't quite lend the same feeling. i know that no one means to make me feel excluded or hated, it just doesn't feel quite like home (to be more precise, i feel out of place). The old Sunday school class was what i missed the most about Colorado, they are who i wanted to invite to my wedding, the only friends i really have. i feel like i should be making an effort to form new friendships, etc., but i'm not sure i can handle it. Things are so uncertain for me right now, raw and damaged as i am.
A verse stuck out to me today, not one that the lesson or sermon was on, but one that was nearby, across the page, underlined in fact.
How can someone have self-control without patience? i guess my perception is wrong, but it seems to me that if you're not patient then you're not going to control yourself. Even if you do control your speech, that doesn't guarantee that you're controlling your thoughts and attitude. i want to have more self-control, i want to be more meditative and contemplative and wait five minutes before i respond, but... i don't know how to. i can't chew my food twenty times before swallowing (every chew i swallow a bit more, i can't help it), if i wait to make a comment i might forget is and lose what i was trying to say (i'm turning into my mother and becoming forgetful), not to mention that when i wait i never get to speak because no one will give me the chance. i don't want to interrupt, or blurt out, but sometimes i just can't help it, it won't stay in, it has to come forth.
i've been trying to figure out how to develop my patience for a long time. It's a lot easier when you're only living with one person, or a couple (not that it's easy), but it's very difficult when your presence makes nine. How am i supposed to develop patience? It looks like i have to develop self-control first. How on earth am i supposed to develop self-control??? It goes back to the moral excellence and knowing God, i suppose. i've had moral excellence in my life, i was such a goodie-two-shoes growing up that the memory makes me sick. (lol people were "frightened by my excellence," just like Sue Ellen on Arthur).
But how am i supposed to know God? Nearly ten years of silence have done anything but develop my patience. i'm not as legalistic anymore, am i then not morally excellent? My conscience feels no twinges of guilt, in fact it feels nothing at all. Most of all, how am i supposed to know the One who will not directly communicate with me? i feel so lost. Many times i feel like i don't even know who He is anymore. i guess my only option is to read my Bible more, pray more, etc., as if that has gotten me very far in the past decade. i am so discouraged. i hate being single and i don't know what to do.
And i know that it's wrong of me to be annoyed, but i need quiet, i have only just gotten out of bed and i can't take the cacophony that i am surrounded by. i'm not a morning person, i need time to wake up so i can process things and not be overloaded. Peace and quiet not being forthcoming, i stuck my fingers in my ears and tried to imagine myself in my happy place, which varies from time to time. Today i was thinking of standing on the Monument embracing the wind a la Pride and Prejudice (the Knightley version). It helped me deal as the cacophony continued unabated.
i arrive in class first of course. No one comes in until 9:01, and the teacher doesn't arrive for several minutes after that. It gave me time to listen to some of the music on my phone, further bolstering my mood. The class was fine once it got started, i suppose, i'm still not sure where i should be. i feel at home in my parents' class, surrounded with acceptance and love. Waiting around for people to show up that i don't really know doesn't quite lend the same feeling. i know that no one means to make me feel excluded or hated, it just doesn't feel quite like home (to be more precise, i feel out of place). The old Sunday school class was what i missed the most about Colorado, they are who i wanted to invite to my wedding, the only friends i really have. i feel like i should be making an effort to form new friendships, etc., but i'm not sure i can handle it. Things are so uncertain for me right now, raw and damaged as i am.
A verse stuck out to me today, not one that the lesson or sermon was on, but one that was nearby, across the page, underlined in fact.
A life of moral excellence leads to knowing God better. Knowing God leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness. Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more you will become productive and useful in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. (2 Peter 1:5b-9)Self-control... it's not exactly a trait that i have been displaying lately. Upon reading the passage, a part of me is confused. It's not that i'm trying to quibble about semantics, i'm not, i'm just very literal and sometimes things i read seem to contradict itself and leaves me wondering what in the world the author was trying to say.
How can someone have self-control without patience? i guess my perception is wrong, but it seems to me that if you're not patient then you're not going to control yourself. Even if you do control your speech, that doesn't guarantee that you're controlling your thoughts and attitude. i want to have more self-control, i want to be more meditative and contemplative and wait five minutes before i respond, but... i don't know how to. i can't chew my food twenty times before swallowing (every chew i swallow a bit more, i can't help it), if i wait to make a comment i might forget is and lose what i was trying to say (i'm turning into my mother and becoming forgetful), not to mention that when i wait i never get to speak because no one will give me the chance. i don't want to interrupt, or blurt out, but sometimes i just can't help it, it won't stay in, it has to come forth.
i've been trying to figure out how to develop my patience for a long time. It's a lot easier when you're only living with one person, or a couple (not that it's easy), but it's very difficult when your presence makes nine. How am i supposed to develop patience? It looks like i have to develop self-control first. How on earth am i supposed to develop self-control??? It goes back to the moral excellence and knowing God, i suppose. i've had moral excellence in my life, i was such a goodie-two-shoes growing up that the memory makes me sick. (lol people were "frightened by my excellence," just like Sue Ellen on Arthur).
But how am i supposed to know God? Nearly ten years of silence have done anything but develop my patience. i'm not as legalistic anymore, am i then not morally excellent? My conscience feels no twinges of guilt, in fact it feels nothing at all. Most of all, how am i supposed to know the One who will not directly communicate with me? i feel so lost. Many times i feel like i don't even know who He is anymore. i guess my only option is to read my Bible more, pray more, etc., as if that has gotten me very far in the past decade. i am so discouraged. i hate being single and i don't know what to do.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Christian Themes in Beowulf (for British Literature I)
Beowulf was most likely originally told orally, and most likely would have gradually changed over time. No one can say with absolute certainty when references to God and Biblical stories would have been introduced into the narrative; however it is likely that they were there originally. Christianity was brought to the Anglo-Saxons in the sixth century (Whallon 81), and the surviving Beowulf was likely transcribed in the tenth century (Longman 27) as the copy of an earlier transcript (Whallon 82). There has understandably been a lot of wondering about what was added and what was left out in the transcription: when discussing the work in the past, it seemed the general consensus among my peers that some of the Christian elements would have been added or emphasized by the scribes (who were most likely monks or priests of the church). Whallon has a different perspective, and points out the instances in which “clerics failed to cover the traces of heathenism” (82). The Longman introduction to Beowulf agrees when it states:
God is mentioned by name in Beowulf as early as the twelfth line of the poem (31); He is also referred to as the World’s Warder (32, 76), The Sovereign of Heaven (35), and the King of Glory (45), just to name a few of the poem’s titles. A respect for God as the source of being “blessed with boldness and honor” (31) is clear throughout the poem. At the same time, the burial rights that are observed in honor of the king are clearly pagan in nature when: “They propped their prince, the gold-giver, / in the hollow hull heaped with treasures, / … keepsakes soon to be claimed by the sea./ So he was sent as a child chosen / to drift on the deep” (32). This is also the case in the story of the son and his uncle on the funeral pyre (54) and with Beowulf’s treasure horde (92). In contrast, the Biblical model calls for burial (Student’s Life Application Bible Gen. 3:19) and Jesus taught in Luke 12:43-44:
This is a stark contrast to the custom of a king giving gold to his victorious thanes on earth, but at the same time emphasizes God’s role as the ultimate king.
When Grendel is introduced he is identified as a “kindred of Cain” (Longman 33); his description closely matches that of the serpent (traditionally thought of as Satan) in the Garden of Eden. This imagery would most likely be obvious to the listener, for “Cunningly creeping, a spectral stalker / slinked through the night,” (46), and “The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the Lord God had made” (Gen. 3:1a). The fact that Grendel only comes at night, when everyone is asleep (Longman 34, 46), is a further testament to the evil he embodies. The fact that he is a “coward at heart, / he longed for a swift escape to his lair” (47) is a stark contrast to the Christ-figure of Beowulf, who has come to rescue everyone from this evil and willingly sacrifices of himself for the safety of others, “for one man alone had the might and main / to fight off the fiend, crush him in combat, / proving who ruled the races of men, / then and forever: God, the Almighty” (46). Beowulf’s defeat of Grendel is a clear statement of Christ being the only one who can defeat evil.
This imagery is continued when Beowulf willingly follows Grendel’s mother alone underwater, saying “Now I shall conquer / or die in the deed” (61). This is a New Testament attitude to have: “since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude He had, and be ready to suffer too” (1 Pet. 4:1a). In this passage she becomes the ultimate evil: “She glimpsed a creature come from above / and crept up to catch him, clutch him, crush him / … dragged him away / to her den in the deep” (61). Whallon mentions that this could be construed as a reference to the burial of Christ in the tomb, but ultimately disagrees with the characterization because: “his harrowing of the underworld lasted an indefinite term” (84), not three days. In my opinion “this is a picture of baptism, which now saves you by the power of Jesus Christ’s resurrection” (1 Pet. 3:21a) and is a compelling comparison to “the strife-survivor drove up from the deep / when his foe had fallen” (63). After Beowulf’s defeat of Grendel’s mother the thanes are “astonished to see him whole and unharmed” (64) just as the disciples are surprised to see Jesus when He has risen from the dead (John 20:19-21).
The most obvious evidence of Beowulf as a Christ-figure is in the third part of the poem when he fights the dragon as the result of someone else’s sin (Longman 76, 81). His first thought is interesting, and brings to memory King David: “The hero was heart-sore; / the wise man wondered what wrong he had wrought / and how he transgressed against old law, / the Lord Everlasting” (77). Beowulf thinks that this attack has come as a result of sinning against God; many of us seem to think the same thing of ourselves or others when we fall on hard times.
Beowulf finally comes face to face to the dragon with twelve men (78), a counterpoint to the disciples. He laments: “So it is sore for an old man to suffer / his son swinging young on the gallows” (79) as if witnessing the crucifixion from God’s point of view. Then he says goodbye to his men and faces the dragon alone, “no faint-hearted man, to face it unflinching!” (81). The men’s reaction even echoes that of the disciples: “he who formerly / ruled a whole realm had no one to help him / hold off the heat, for his hand-picked band / of princelings had fled, fearing to face / the foe with their lord” (82). Wiglaf is like the beloved disciple in that he is the only one to remember “the boons / his kinsman bestowed” (82) and come to Beowulf’s aid (84).
The issues this poem addresses are truly epic and usually have Biblical undertones. The author no doubt put these references in deliberately, meant to bring his listeners to the realization that though we strive against a physical enemy (as in the battles of David), God is our ultimate strength and victory. In a time where death was so close, with wars and blood feuds commonplace, the inner peace and strength that these words provided is important. Similarly, dwelling upon a tale of selflessness and loyalty brings one closer to God. When a people is converted to Christianity I believe that it is important not to throw out all of the old beliefs, but to focus on how God was with the people all along, blessing and upholding them, and waiting for them to accept His free gift.
Works Cited
“Beowulf.” The Longman Anthology of British Literature, 3rd ed. Ed. David Damrosch and Kevin J.H. Dettmar. New York, NY: Pearson Longman, 2006. 27-92.
Student’s Life Application Bible, New Living Translation. David R. Veerman, senior ed. Wheaton, IL: Tyndale, 1997.
Whallon, William. “The Christianity of Beowulf.” Modern Philology. LX.2 (Nov. 1962). 81-94.
The rich division of emotional loyalty probably arises from a poet and audience of Christians who look back at their pagan ancestors with both pride and grief, stressing the intersection of pagan and Christian values in an effort to reconcile the two. (27)
God is mentioned by name in Beowulf as early as the twelfth line of the poem (31); He is also referred to as the World’s Warder (32, 76), The Sovereign of Heaven (35), and the King of Glory (45), just to name a few of the poem’s titles. A respect for God as the source of being “blessed with boldness and honor” (31) is clear throughout the poem. At the same time, the burial rights that are observed in honor of the king are clearly pagan in nature when: “They propped their prince, the gold-giver, / in the hollow hull heaped with treasures, / … keepsakes soon to be claimed by the sea./ So he was sent as a child chosen / to drift on the deep” (32). This is also the case in the story of the son and his uncle on the funeral pyre (54) and with Beowulf’s treasure horde (92). In contrast, the Biblical model calls for burial (Student’s Life Application Bible Gen. 3:19) and Jesus taught in Luke 12:43-44:
Sell your possessions and give to those in need. This will store up treasure for you in heaven! And the purses of heaven never get old or develop holes. Your treasure will be safe; no thief can steal it and no moth can destroy it. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.
This is a stark contrast to the custom of a king giving gold to his victorious thanes on earth, but at the same time emphasizes God’s role as the ultimate king.
When Grendel is introduced he is identified as a “kindred of Cain” (Longman 33); his description closely matches that of the serpent (traditionally thought of as Satan) in the Garden of Eden. This imagery would most likely be obvious to the listener, for “Cunningly creeping, a spectral stalker / slinked through the night,” (46), and “The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the Lord God had made” (Gen. 3:1a). The fact that Grendel only comes at night, when everyone is asleep (Longman 34, 46), is a further testament to the evil he embodies. The fact that he is a “coward at heart, / he longed for a swift escape to his lair” (47) is a stark contrast to the Christ-figure of Beowulf, who has come to rescue everyone from this evil and willingly sacrifices of himself for the safety of others, “for one man alone had the might and main / to fight off the fiend, crush him in combat, / proving who ruled the races of men, / then and forever: God, the Almighty” (46). Beowulf’s defeat of Grendel is a clear statement of Christ being the only one who can defeat evil.
This imagery is continued when Beowulf willingly follows Grendel’s mother alone underwater, saying “Now I shall conquer / or die in the deed” (61). This is a New Testament attitude to have: “since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude He had, and be ready to suffer too” (1 Pet. 4:1a). In this passage she becomes the ultimate evil: “She glimpsed a creature come from above / and crept up to catch him, clutch him, crush him / … dragged him away / to her den in the deep” (61). Whallon mentions that this could be construed as a reference to the burial of Christ in the tomb, but ultimately disagrees with the characterization because: “his harrowing of the underworld lasted an indefinite term” (84), not three days. In my opinion “this is a picture of baptism, which now saves you by the power of Jesus Christ’s resurrection” (1 Pet. 3:21a) and is a compelling comparison to “the strife-survivor drove up from the deep / when his foe had fallen” (63). After Beowulf’s defeat of Grendel’s mother the thanes are “astonished to see him whole and unharmed” (64) just as the disciples are surprised to see Jesus when He has risen from the dead (John 20:19-21).
The most obvious evidence of Beowulf as a Christ-figure is in the third part of the poem when he fights the dragon as the result of someone else’s sin (Longman 76, 81). His first thought is interesting, and brings to memory King David: “The hero was heart-sore; / the wise man wondered what wrong he had wrought / and how he transgressed against old law, / the Lord Everlasting” (77). Beowulf thinks that this attack has come as a result of sinning against God; many of us seem to think the same thing of ourselves or others when we fall on hard times.
Beowulf finally comes face to face to the dragon with twelve men (78), a counterpoint to the disciples. He laments: “So it is sore for an old man to suffer / his son swinging young on the gallows” (79) as if witnessing the crucifixion from God’s point of view. Then he says goodbye to his men and faces the dragon alone, “no faint-hearted man, to face it unflinching!” (81). The men’s reaction even echoes that of the disciples: “he who formerly / ruled a whole realm had no one to help him / hold off the heat, for his hand-picked band / of princelings had fled, fearing to face / the foe with their lord” (82). Wiglaf is like the beloved disciple in that he is the only one to remember “the boons / his kinsman bestowed” (82) and come to Beowulf’s aid (84).
The issues this poem addresses are truly epic and usually have Biblical undertones. The author no doubt put these references in deliberately, meant to bring his listeners to the realization that though we strive against a physical enemy (as in the battles of David), God is our ultimate strength and victory. In a time where death was so close, with wars and blood feuds commonplace, the inner peace and strength that these words provided is important. Similarly, dwelling upon a tale of selflessness and loyalty brings one closer to God. When a people is converted to Christianity I believe that it is important not to throw out all of the old beliefs, but to focus on how God was with the people all along, blessing and upholding them, and waiting for them to accept His free gift.
Works Cited
“Beowulf.” The Longman Anthology of British Literature, 3rd ed. Ed. David Damrosch and Kevin J.H. Dettmar. New York, NY: Pearson Longman, 2006. 27-92.
Student’s Life Application Bible, New Living Translation. David R. Veerman, senior ed. Wheaton, IL: Tyndale, 1997.
Whallon, William. “The Christianity of Beowulf.” Modern Philology. LX.2 (Nov. 1962). 81-94.
musings on love, depression, and 9/11
i had a weird dream this morning. i was parachuting/hanggliding/hotairballooning (it was some weird sport that combined the three) and landed in a city and it was a record, the first woman to do it long distance, plus it suddenly became a big deal because of my weight. Some hispanic female anchor said "look at all her jigglies!" and there was an animation of my supposed body fat and shape, and she went on to say how amazing it was that i could even get off the ground. Then we went to another reporter, who had fallen asleep in his seat, and was given animated eyeballs to cover it up, it was hilarious.
i was happy because i was going to see some friends that i hadn't seen in a long time (which aren't real friends, except in this dream, and turned out to be animals). There was a raccoon, snake, some kind of bird, and a brown bear, it was a kind of Kung Fu Panda thing going on, i was supposed to spar with them. Oh, and i also was finally about to go into space. But as i walked up, with all my friends standing around, Bear said something in a huff, turned around, picked up a HUGE toaster oven, and threw it into a bathtub that was full of water and an anonymous bather (only he hadn't let go of the toaster). Everyone gasped, was frozen, unsure how to save him, to stop him, the world was in slow motion... and i woke up.
The dream was so vivid, such a cacophony of subconscious musings that have been rattling throughout my head. i was so happy in the dream. i was upset by the news report, but brushed it off because i was finally going to get to see my friends again! My friends, it turned out, were rather despondent, but things happened so quickly that i couldn't focus on it and react. i had heard earlier in the dream that Bear was mad, but not depressed. Bear's depression had obviously made everyone else depressed and they no longer had any idea how to deal with him. It was as if Bear was waiting for me to get there so he could commit suicide in front of me.
i talked to Brad last night, not about anything important, but about simple things, like how school is going, like how i need to go to the gym, and how crazy it is to live with eight other people. About how he's going to enlist within the next couple of days (as soon as the military gets it's act together and schedules his appointment with the civilian eye doctor) and has a new job. He sounded happier than he has been in a long time, he's working for a friend now in construction, and he enjoys it and is learning new things. i had been worried that he might be suicidal, and was out of contact with him, but he seems to be much improved, though he still enjoys spouting racial slurs. ): i am so torn inside because i love him, but i do not love the way he's acting, and every time he stops acting like an idiot i want to forgive him for all the times that he was. But he hasn't changed enough, i can't deal with his depression and anger, and i don't know that he ever will grow out of that, i don't know if he'll ever realize what he did. Cause and effect, my love....
i know that i did things, too. All he gave me to go on was "critical" and "unreasonable" and my criticisms were reasonable (so it seemed), a reaction to what he was doing. But i got depressed, and i would react to what other people said too, would want to fight against the entire universe because it hurt so much that i couldn't handle it. The way i would get angry, and self-righteous, and critical of everything, it makes me think of how my father acts when he throws a tantrum, he abandons all logic and is consumed by anger. Is that how i was? i didn't throw anything but words, but that can be enough. i want to forget my foolish pride and self preservation and instead love and be selfless... but i don't know how to do that. How do you keep your heart open when even God has hurt you?
i'm not trying to dwell on that anymore, not any of it. No more getting offended because Brad lies to me, because of his hateful comments, because he treats me like crap (that's the plan anyway). No more thinking that God is never going to rescue me, that He will never bring me through this. i don't want this life, going to college, living at home, unemployed, but it is where God put me again. So i try to make the best of it, try to be joyful, try to have hope. Only two more semesters. i enjoy my classes! i keep wondering if i should take one of the student loans that was offered because wouldn't have to work for a while and could pay off some debts and maybe even thrive a little. Of course that would be deferring more debt for later, but it's good debt on my credit report, right?
Finally, on the eve of the anniversary of 9/11, i feel completely safe, yet still wonder if the terrorists are planning something for tomorrow. There is now WTC to down this time, i'm sure their attack would escalate to nuclear weapons, and that is terrifying. i was thinking such a thing would guarantee McCain's victory, that everyone would be patriotic and turn to God again, but not everyone agrees with me. Glenn Beck was reading about some Freedom from Religion group yesterday, pointing out that it was religion that caused the attacks (thus in their mind all religion is bad). Some biased reporter in Hong Kong feels that the Republicans caused 9/11 (how Bush accomplished this after nine months in office while the terrorists had been in the country for years is beyond me).
The truth is that the attack is everyone's fault. It's Abraham's fault for sleeping with that concubine. It's Britain's fault for those dang Crusades. It's America's fault for treating the Native Americans and slaves like garbage, using and abusing them for decades. It's the missionaries' fault for not converting the Muslims... if not for causing more harm all together (i have read about some really hateful and stupid missionaries). It's Clinton's fault for not reacting for nearly a decade. And it's Bush's administration's fault for ignoring the warning signs that had already been ignored for a decade (which also is on Clinton).
Should we close the borders of the Land of Opportunity? Wouldn't America then cease to be anything but an echo of it's former glory? In the same way, how do i close my heart to others, repelling the things that cause pain, without also losing the blessings and love that would also come in?
No one can blame 9/11 on Bush, it is too much blame for one man, it is not wholly his fault, nor it it wholly Clinton's. Centuries of hatred caused this. America has blood on its hands, but we have not been waging war for as long as the Muslim nations have. i would still like to believe that the thing that makes America great is that we learn from our mistakes, we are not set in the bad ways, we change and become greater, rise above, overcome. The Muslim nations cannot say that because they have fallen from their former glory. There was a time where they stopped killing and had great capitals of learning and respect (if my Geography professor was to be believed). Now there are far too many of them who want to kill for their Allah, and whose hearts are full of hatred. Not all Muslims are like this... but then, not all Americans are hateful either. i do not endorse the slaughtering of the "Indians," or the slavery, or the Puritanism, but those are where we came from. Look at where we are now and judge for yourself, if you can, what we have become.
i was happy because i was going to see some friends that i hadn't seen in a long time (which aren't real friends, except in this dream, and turned out to be animals). There was a raccoon, snake, some kind of bird, and a brown bear, it was a kind of Kung Fu Panda thing going on, i was supposed to spar with them. Oh, and i also was finally about to go into space. But as i walked up, with all my friends standing around, Bear said something in a huff, turned around, picked up a HUGE toaster oven, and threw it into a bathtub that was full of water and an anonymous bather (only he hadn't let go of the toaster). Everyone gasped, was frozen, unsure how to save him, to stop him, the world was in slow motion... and i woke up.
The dream was so vivid, such a cacophony of subconscious musings that have been rattling throughout my head. i was so happy in the dream. i was upset by the news report, but brushed it off because i was finally going to get to see my friends again! My friends, it turned out, were rather despondent, but things happened so quickly that i couldn't focus on it and react. i had heard earlier in the dream that Bear was mad, but not depressed. Bear's depression had obviously made everyone else depressed and they no longer had any idea how to deal with him. It was as if Bear was waiting for me to get there so he could commit suicide in front of me.
i talked to Brad last night, not about anything important, but about simple things, like how school is going, like how i need to go to the gym, and how crazy it is to live with eight other people. About how he's going to enlist within the next couple of days (as soon as the military gets it's act together and schedules his appointment with the civilian eye doctor) and has a new job. He sounded happier than he has been in a long time, he's working for a friend now in construction, and he enjoys it and is learning new things. i had been worried that he might be suicidal, and was out of contact with him, but he seems to be much improved, though he still enjoys spouting racial slurs. ): i am so torn inside because i love him, but i do not love the way he's acting, and every time he stops acting like an idiot i want to forgive him for all the times that he was. But he hasn't changed enough, i can't deal with his depression and anger, and i don't know that he ever will grow out of that, i don't know if he'll ever realize what he did. Cause and effect, my love....
i know that i did things, too. All he gave me to go on was "critical" and "unreasonable" and my criticisms were reasonable (so it seemed), a reaction to what he was doing. But i got depressed, and i would react to what other people said too, would want to fight against the entire universe because it hurt so much that i couldn't handle it. The way i would get angry, and self-righteous, and critical of everything, it makes me think of how my father acts when he throws a tantrum, he abandons all logic and is consumed by anger. Is that how i was? i didn't throw anything but words, but that can be enough. i want to forget my foolish pride and self preservation and instead love and be selfless... but i don't know how to do that. How do you keep your heart open when even God has hurt you?
i'm not trying to dwell on that anymore, not any of it. No more getting offended because Brad lies to me, because of his hateful comments, because he treats me like crap (that's the plan anyway). No more thinking that God is never going to rescue me, that He will never bring me through this. i don't want this life, going to college, living at home, unemployed, but it is where God put me again. So i try to make the best of it, try to be joyful, try to have hope. Only two more semesters. i enjoy my classes! i keep wondering if i should take one of the student loans that was offered because wouldn't have to work for a while and could pay off some debts and maybe even thrive a little. Of course that would be deferring more debt for later, but it's good debt on my credit report, right?
Finally, on the eve of the anniversary of 9/11, i feel completely safe, yet still wonder if the terrorists are planning something for tomorrow. There is now WTC to down this time, i'm sure their attack would escalate to nuclear weapons, and that is terrifying. i was thinking such a thing would guarantee McCain's victory, that everyone would be patriotic and turn to God again, but not everyone agrees with me. Glenn Beck was reading about some Freedom from Religion group yesterday, pointing out that it was religion that caused the attacks (thus in their mind all religion is bad). Some biased reporter in Hong Kong feels that the Republicans caused 9/11 (how Bush accomplished this after nine months in office while the terrorists had been in the country for years is beyond me).
The truth is that the attack is everyone's fault. It's Abraham's fault for sleeping with that concubine. It's Britain's fault for those dang Crusades. It's America's fault for treating the Native Americans and slaves like garbage, using and abusing them for decades. It's the missionaries' fault for not converting the Muslims... if not for causing more harm all together (i have read about some really hateful and stupid missionaries). It's Clinton's fault for not reacting for nearly a decade. And it's Bush's administration's fault for ignoring the warning signs that had already been ignored for a decade (which also is on Clinton).
Should we close the borders of the Land of Opportunity? Wouldn't America then cease to be anything but an echo of it's former glory? In the same way, how do i close my heart to others, repelling the things that cause pain, without also losing the blessings and love that would also come in?
No one can blame 9/11 on Bush, it is too much blame for one man, it is not wholly his fault, nor it it wholly Clinton's. Centuries of hatred caused this. America has blood on its hands, but we have not been waging war for as long as the Muslim nations have. i would still like to believe that the thing that makes America great is that we learn from our mistakes, we are not set in the bad ways, we change and become greater, rise above, overcome. The Muslim nations cannot say that because they have fallen from their former glory. There was a time where they stopped killing and had great capitals of learning and respect (if my Geography professor was to be believed). Now there are far too many of them who want to kill for their Allah, and whose hearts are full of hatred. Not all Muslims are like this... but then, not all Americans are hateful either. i do not endorse the slaughtering of the "Indians," or the slavery, or the Puritanism, but those are where we came from. Look at where we are now and judge for yourself, if you can, what we have become.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
from the Republican National Convention
links to other videos:
Fred S. Thompson's speech The Courage and Service of John McCain (excellent despite the frog in his throat, makes me miss the good old days of Law & Order)
Remarks by Sarah Palin (her acceptance speech)
Senator John McCain: Nomination Acceptance Speech
found it
The website in question is Obama Crimes (the title of which seems a bit inflammatory). This blog takes a look about how legitimate Mr. Berg's claims are (scroll down to 1:40pm). There is some discussion of this on the web, it just appears to be largely of a conservative bent and by bloggers.
listening to the radio again
This time it was on the way home from AWANA and Bill Cunningham was on the air. i don't remember what website his interviewee was telling people to visit, but they were referring to the same information as this article. Apparently, Obama may not be a U.S. citizen, which means he can't (legally) be a Senator, let alone President. Of course, the mainstream media isn't covering this.
Friday, September 05, 2008
new blog name
i haven't changed it in a while, but it just came to me while i was driving around town today, shopping for a hub and 32 oz. Nalgene H2O bottle (one without an emergency poncho or first aid kit, please), and listening to talk radio. Yeah, i'm all interested in politics again, after a year long sabbatical. i even stopped by the Republican headquarters in hopes of snagging a few McCain Palin bumper stickers (they don't have any yet, but apparently they're being asked for A LOT). So they asked me if i wanted to volunteer, so i may get snagged into that. i mean, why not? i don't have a job and it could lead to something else, you never know. i keep thinking of Definitely, Maybe, though i don't anticipate selling expensive tickets for dinner with McCain, writing any speeches, or getting shocked when it comes out that my candidate has had an affair (rofl). In all actuality the only reason i really decided to vote for McCain was because of Palin, and though i am feeling better about him than i used to, i'm not all gung ho about it. If it was a campaign for Josh Penry or Condie Rice, now that would be another story....
Note: it turns out that there is another blog named FreeGeek but i can't even get it to load properly. i promise you that i thought it up in town, away from a computer, and am not trying to copy anything!
Note: it turns out that there is another blog named FreeGeek but i can't even get it to load properly. i promise you that i thought it up in town, away from a computer, and am not trying to copy anything!
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
being broke is depressing
So i still don't have any money. No one has called me back for an interview, my background check still hasn't gone through, and being told every day to "come back tomorrow" for my dispersement check (the money left over from my grants, i don't know why they call it that) has made me want to cry. i was having a good day until i had to change after unhitching the trailer (i got grease and rotting plant parts all over myself). i was patient during the drive into town despite the fact that i kept getting stuck behind people who insist on driving 10-15 miles under the speed limit (which is a ticketable offense, btw, it's called impeding the flow of traffic). Then i get here and find out that i still have to wait for my check.
Rush Limbaugh just told off a guy who said he was a hypocrite for being okay with the pregnancy of Sarah Palin's daughter. He responded that we (conservatives) love people even when they make mistakes repeatedly. Teenage pregnancy is more in line with Repbulican ideals than Democratic ones, really, since we don't believe in birth control (other than abstinence) or abortion. i wish the media would stop calling the seventeen-year-old young woman a kid, she's obviously taking responsibility for her actions if she's keeping the child and getting married to the father of her baby. i'm sooo sick of hearing about this story, especially the "her daughter is the real parent of the baby with Downs Syndrome" angle.
The latest news that i heard from Brad is that... i'm critical. Because it's so out of character to criticize someone who treats you badly and breaks all their promises. :rolleyes: The truth is that he takes everything that i say out of context and takes offense when i'm joking around in guild chat and not even talking to or about him. In fact, i've been trying not to offend him, never initiate conversations with him (he usually tells me to not talk to him), and have been trying my hardest not to love him or care what he's doing. But he always ends up hurting my feelings and setting me off on depressing rants. Which of course he never sees because he ignores me or logs off. So i try to take the high road and he pushes me into the mud and i wallow in it for a while.
i hate being depressed. And i'm mostly depressed because i'm thinking about him. i'm trying not to want to be with him anymore, i'm trying to tell myself that the relationship is over for good. i can't wait around for him to grow up and get a clue. i'm not supposed to want the man (pfft, boy) i love to change. i'm supposed to love him for who he is. Unfortunately at this point i am broken and desperate for anyone's affection, i am trying really hard not to wish that i was pregnant. i mean, that would be a mess, i can't even take care of myself, but in my twisted mind at least i would have something to show for the relationship... besides heartbreak.
In Sunday school this last week we ended up talking about me the entire time... not something that i planned or wanted, but whatever. There was only the teacher's wife and another female MSC student visiting, so at least i didn't fall apart in front of everyone. The teacher's wife, she suggested keeping a journal of ways that God has taken care of me/blessed me. That's hard: every positive has a negative attached to it that seems bigger. For instance, i finally get my check tomorrow (hah, i've heard that before, we'll see if it's even true)... i should have had it weeks ago, and i have a shopping list that's going to take it all, and then i'm broke. i can't find a job!
All things considered, i'm surprised that school isn't depressing me. There's so much mind numbing reading to do, that i can't absorb, that takes hours of each day, that isn't fun. i like my teachers and classmates, i don't feel berated and despised for my beliefs anymore, and that is definitely a plus. But even with school only two days a week... can i have a job and get my homework done? i have my doubts, except for the FedEx job, which doesn't appear to be happening. i just saw that Papa John's is hiring delivery drivers and paying $14-17 an hour! Which is a far cry (read: 3x as much) from what i was making the first time i worked there. i wonder if they would even hire me back? Gas costs so much, would it be worth it?
Argh, i hate getting all worked up like this. A diatribe that took me half an hour to write... and i still need to go back home and do my reading.
Rush Limbaugh just told off a guy who said he was a hypocrite for being okay with the pregnancy of Sarah Palin's daughter. He responded that we (conservatives) love people even when they make mistakes repeatedly. Teenage pregnancy is more in line with Repbulican ideals than Democratic ones, really, since we don't believe in birth control (other than abstinence) or abortion. i wish the media would stop calling the seventeen-year-old young woman a kid, she's obviously taking responsibility for her actions if she's keeping the child and getting married to the father of her baby. i'm sooo sick of hearing about this story, especially the "her daughter is the real parent of the baby with Downs Syndrome" angle.
The latest news that i heard from Brad is that... i'm critical. Because it's so out of character to criticize someone who treats you badly and breaks all their promises. :rolleyes: The truth is that he takes everything that i say out of context and takes offense when i'm joking around in guild chat and not even talking to or about him. In fact, i've been trying not to offend him, never initiate conversations with him (he usually tells me to not talk to him), and have been trying my hardest not to love him or care what he's doing. But he always ends up hurting my feelings and setting me off on depressing rants. Which of course he never sees because he ignores me or logs off. So i try to take the high road and he pushes me into the mud and i wallow in it for a while.
i hate being depressed. And i'm mostly depressed because i'm thinking about him. i'm trying not to want to be with him anymore, i'm trying to tell myself that the relationship is over for good. i can't wait around for him to grow up and get a clue. i'm not supposed to want the man (pfft, boy) i love to change. i'm supposed to love him for who he is. Unfortunately at this point i am broken and desperate for anyone's affection, i am trying really hard not to wish that i was pregnant. i mean, that would be a mess, i can't even take care of myself, but in my twisted mind at least i would have something to show for the relationship... besides heartbreak.
In Sunday school this last week we ended up talking about me the entire time... not something that i planned or wanted, but whatever. There was only the teacher's wife and another female MSC student visiting, so at least i didn't fall apart in front of everyone. The teacher's wife, she suggested keeping a journal of ways that God has taken care of me/blessed me. That's hard: every positive has a negative attached to it that seems bigger. For instance, i finally get my check tomorrow (hah, i've heard that before, we'll see if it's even true)... i should have had it weeks ago, and i have a shopping list that's going to take it all, and then i'm broke. i can't find a job!
All things considered, i'm surprised that school isn't depressing me. There's so much mind numbing reading to do, that i can't absorb, that takes hours of each day, that isn't fun. i like my teachers and classmates, i don't feel berated and despised for my beliefs anymore, and that is definitely a plus. But even with school only two days a week... can i have a job and get my homework done? i have my doubts, except for the FedEx job, which doesn't appear to be happening. i just saw that Papa John's is hiring delivery drivers and paying $14-17 an hour! Which is a far cry (read: 3x as much) from what i was making the first time i worked there. i wonder if they would even hire me back? Gas costs so much, would it be worth it?
Argh, i hate getting all worked up like this. A diatribe that took me half an hour to write... and i still need to go back home and do my reading.
Monday, September 01, 2008
My Response to The Wind in the Willows
Written for Children's Literature: not my best paper, it certainly lacks focus, as my teacher pointed out in the notes she wrote in the margins. i received a B+
This book seemed to lack focus and left me feeling extremely bored. My first complaint is a small one, and it is about the title: I do not seem to remember the author discussing willows in length (though he did mention quite a few trees), nor the wind in relation to said species of tree. Mr. Kenneth Graham clearly had a very extensive vocabulary, but most of the time it felt like he was merely writing for the sake of reading his own thoughts, rather like Toad is fond of singing about himself (Grahame 297), instead of describing the environment and events in a coherent manner. Moreover, he casually throws one particular swear word into the mix, when a man of his vocabulary certainly could have thought of a more apt word to use, and I find myself rather surprised that my mother bought me this Children’s book for my sixth birthday or allowed me to read it.
The format of the book is strange: it is episodic, as each chapter seems to focus on another character and adventure that is usually not very exciting at all, and does not always build on the events of previous chapters. There is not a single unified plot, the book does not have much rising action of any sort, and there are many climaxes (if one could even call them that) instead of one. The stories do not mesh together well, and large chunks of time are skipped over as if they did not exist at all. All of these misused literary devices have the tendency to leave the reader more than slightly confused.
The book requires the suspension of disbelief when it asks one to regard the animals as if they are people, but then extends disbelief even further by making it clear that there are humans in this world as well and describing some animals in a way that makes it clear that they are merely animals, with no self awareness, means of communicating, or complex emotions of their own. The protagonists seem to avoid the humans (95) and look down on them for keeping pets (171), yet they keep and use pets themselves (35-36, 169), which is quite a double standard.
I read that this book was a morality tale, but the characters not only ignore moral behavior, they approve of some of the immoral behavior (Toad in particular is guilty of this, and seems to lack a conscience). While Toad’s friends disapprove of his tendency to quickly change his mind about which is the best pastime to engage in (16-18), they disapprove even more of his tendency to crash motor cars (77). Yet later, when Toad steals a car and is sent to prison (141-143), his friends do not find his behavior as distasteful as the humans’ presumption that they should be the ones to punish him: they anticipate and approve of Toad’s escape (256-258). Not only does Toad escape, but he lies repeatedly (179-181, 224-225, 234), steals a horse (231-232), sells it (236), and is extremely conceited and rude on numerous occasions. Even at the end of the book he is still walking about free and has not paid for his crimes. This does not teach children morality, rather it teaches them to disrespect authority and do whatever they feel like, disregarding their own safety and the laws of the land.
Overall, the book lacks focus and contradicts itself. Mole is like a child and abandons his house for nearly a year (99-100). Otter’s child is apparently watched over by a demigod (157). The Water Rat decides to abandon the river after hearing the Sea Rat’s tale (217). Badger lives in the Wild Wood that is overrun by some confusing and nameless evil (54-57) but turns out to not be quite so wild after all (304). None of the characters feel alive and fully fleshed out, but rather two-dimensional, and the story doesn’t seem to have a point. The Wind in the Willows left me disappointed, expecting more, but upset that I had taken the time to read it at all because it so obviously did not deliver.
Works Cited
Grahame, Kenneth. The Wind in the Willows. 1908. New York: Aladdin Classics, 1999.
This book seemed to lack focus and left me feeling extremely bored. My first complaint is a small one, and it is about the title: I do not seem to remember the author discussing willows in length (though he did mention quite a few trees), nor the wind in relation to said species of tree. Mr. Kenneth Graham clearly had a very extensive vocabulary, but most of the time it felt like he was merely writing for the sake of reading his own thoughts, rather like Toad is fond of singing about himself (Grahame 297), instead of describing the environment and events in a coherent manner. Moreover, he casually throws one particular swear word into the mix, when a man of his vocabulary certainly could have thought of a more apt word to use, and I find myself rather surprised that my mother bought me this Children’s book for my sixth birthday or allowed me to read it.
The format of the book is strange: it is episodic, as each chapter seems to focus on another character and adventure that is usually not very exciting at all, and does not always build on the events of previous chapters. There is not a single unified plot, the book does not have much rising action of any sort, and there are many climaxes (if one could even call them that) instead of one. The stories do not mesh together well, and large chunks of time are skipped over as if they did not exist at all. All of these misused literary devices have the tendency to leave the reader more than slightly confused.
The book requires the suspension of disbelief when it asks one to regard the animals as if they are people, but then extends disbelief even further by making it clear that there are humans in this world as well and describing some animals in a way that makes it clear that they are merely animals, with no self awareness, means of communicating, or complex emotions of their own. The protagonists seem to avoid the humans (95) and look down on them for keeping pets (171), yet they keep and use pets themselves (35-36, 169), which is quite a double standard.
I read that this book was a morality tale, but the characters not only ignore moral behavior, they approve of some of the immoral behavior (Toad in particular is guilty of this, and seems to lack a conscience). While Toad’s friends disapprove of his tendency to quickly change his mind about which is the best pastime to engage in (16-18), they disapprove even more of his tendency to crash motor cars (77). Yet later, when Toad steals a car and is sent to prison (141-143), his friends do not find his behavior as distasteful as the humans’ presumption that they should be the ones to punish him: they anticipate and approve of Toad’s escape (256-258). Not only does Toad escape, but he lies repeatedly (179-181, 224-225, 234), steals a horse (231-232), sells it (236), and is extremely conceited and rude on numerous occasions. Even at the end of the book he is still walking about free and has not paid for his crimes. This does not teach children morality, rather it teaches them to disrespect authority and do whatever they feel like, disregarding their own safety and the laws of the land.
Overall, the book lacks focus and contradicts itself. Mole is like a child and abandons his house for nearly a year (99-100). Otter’s child is apparently watched over by a demigod (157). The Water Rat decides to abandon the river after hearing the Sea Rat’s tale (217). Badger lives in the Wild Wood that is overrun by some confusing and nameless evil (54-57) but turns out to not be quite so wild after all (304). None of the characters feel alive and fully fleshed out, but rather two-dimensional, and the story doesn’t seem to have a point. The Wind in the Willows left me disappointed, expecting more, but upset that I had taken the time to read it at all because it so obviously did not deliver.
Works Cited
Grahame, Kenneth. The Wind in the Willows. 1908. New York: Aladdin Classics, 1999.
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