musings on body image

i am not trying to lose weight because i hate my body; i am doing it because i love my body. i don't want to show off my flesh, i'm modest, and yes, i'm somewhat ashamed of what other people will think. People in the American culture hate fat, are repulsed by love handles, don't want to look obesity in the face but rather mock the individuals for their weakness and failings while staring at them from the neck down (just look at any segment on obesity the next time you're watching your nightly newscast). i've been dealing with this for a long time; people started telling me that i was fat in third grade, and i believed them. i didn't gain weight until i was almost eighteen, when i moved to Colorado. That was when i became fat... and that was when i started to learn how to love my body.

It seems like a contradiction in terms, doesn't it? It wasn't until i lost my healthy body (that was exactly what i would want to have now) that i realized that i already had it. i don't know what it's like to feel thin because i believed the lies, so i didn't feel skinny when i was. Now i love to curl into bed naked and revel in the feel of my skin, the curves in my body. i hate looking in the mirror because my eyes do not show me what i feel that i am in my heart. i'm not going to take off my clothes and let it all hang out in public anytime soon (unlike some... warning: artistic photos of nude plus sized women), but i refuse to be ashamed of my body. Anyone who has a problem with my body can shove it cuz i really don't want to hear it. i didn't choose to be this way, i fought it kicking and screaming, but you know what, i would rather be fat and happy with myself than skinny and a flirty flake. i don't want to be thin, i want to be healthy, i like having meat on my bones. i don't want to be an anorexic model, i want to be a goddess incarnate, a reflection of what it means to be healthy and truly beautiful.

i am losing weight for no one but myself. Anyone who doesn't like me for who i am obviously doesn't really love me, so why would i want to have anything to do with them? Saying one thing and then saying another, the complete opposite, is just two faced and i have no patience for it. i don't want to let anyone hurt me anymore. i can't stop loving, but i guess it's time to start protecting myself... i'm just not quite sure how.