re: waiting

"What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, 'Stop, you're doing it wrong!' Does the pot exclaim, 'How clumsy can you be?'"
~ Isaiah 45:9

i know, i am stubborn, and can be foolish, but in the end i always make the right choice. i cannot turn my back on God. i must submit to His will. It is the hardest thing that anyone can do, to deny (him or) herself and fully submit to God's will, particularly when you aren't even fully aware of what that will is. My new Sunday School teacher paid me a great compliment today when he said that he can see my faith, that i'm hurting, but that if he had to go into battle he would want to go with me because: "You're a trooper."

It is obvious that not everyone shares his esteem, but what is that to me? They do not know me, they cannot hurt me, i know who i am. i am a daughter of the King, i turn back for no man, i don't save anything for the swim back, i fight with every mote in my being. i shall never take an easy out, or give up, to do so would betray all that i am and all the faith God has placed in me. Even as i despair, wanting to blame God, i know that He is my only hope, my only possibility for rescue, but that does not mean that i am taking it easy. Waiting for God is the most difficult endeavor that anyone can pursue.

"And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him."
~ Hebrews 11:5 (NAS)

i have always been a Seeker. i have been whining far too much, i'm sorry for that, i have too much Job in me. i am too weak, too self-seeking, too prideful. i am not as much like Christ as i should be. My self-preservation instinct is far too strong lately, i need to trust Him with abandon again, and it's very hard for me. Nearly a decade of my worst fears... i never expected to come true... but i live it every day. i am walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death and i do fear evil, i have given Satan and his minions far too much power over me, and i don't know how to get free. i have prayed about this over and over again.

"If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and He will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask Him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the LORD. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do."
~ James 1:5-8

How can i be so shallow, so full of doubt? i don't expect Him to respond anymore, not after a decade of unanswered prayers (prayers that i cannot hear an answer to). i don't even know what to ask for anymore, i am so lost and confused. i was supposed to write a letter to God two weeks ago for my Beth Moore study, honestly outlining the deepest and truest desires of my heart. i don't know how to talk to Him anymore, i am so tossed by the wind, i am utterly confused. Even when people reassure me, i agree with them, but my heart is full of doubt at the same time. How am i supposed to stop doubting God?!? i have no answer.

"I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!"
~ Mark 9:24b