and now i feel like crying

i don't know why i clicked on Brad's MySpace profile, but i did, and i got a little surprise. He's now listed as "In a Relationship" and i'm pretty sure that it never said that for me. He's probably up right now, cuz his last log in was today, early as it is. i almost left a comment, but i didn't. All i was going to say was: "In a relationship. Hm..." but i know he wouldn't appreciate it. i could have said something snide, like, "Oh good, now you can go whine to someone else when you get drunk," or, "So you were ashamed of me after all."

Am i burning my bridges? i guess it doesn't matter, he just uses me for whatever he wants and then ditches me. It's already too late because he's never going to say that he's sorry because he isn't sorry.

It occurred to me last night (well, Friday night), while i was listening to Josh McDowell's testimony, that i hadn't even considered forgiving him. It seemed strange to me, because i don't hate him, i don't think i'm holding a grudge, i'm just very, very hurt whenever i allow myself to think about it. What am i supposed to take from this? All i want is to get married and spend the rest of my life with one man, but apparently that is too much to ask. i can't help but think about him, even though i only knew him in person for two weeks everything around me is colored by his likes and dislikes, by what he would say and do in response. Most of the time i am focused on the good times, on how much hope and joy he gave me. When i focus on the darkness, on the anger and hatred and disrespect, i am filled with sorrow.

Only i usually don't really feel it. My emotions are more level now, and i feel as if i am denying a part of myself, cutting myself off. i don't want to cry anymore, which is scary because i don't want to lose that ability ever again. But i don't know what to do, i can't feel like that every day, i wouldn't be able to exist, let alone thrive.

He blames the break up on me. He was the one who walked away. He was the one who wanted six months on hold. And i knew that wasn't what he really wanted, he just didn't want complications, he didn't want long distance, he didn't want me... i should yell at him, curse at him, hate him, but i don't. i just don't understand why. Everything i thought i knew about love, i guess i was wrong. How am i supposed to write when i have no idea what i'm talking about? i had never thought it before, but i guess that i don't understand men, i guess that all my observations of the past 25+ years have betrayed me and i really don't have the slightest idea what i'm doing.

Lol, like that's any revelation.

i hate being alone. i hate not having any friends but don't know how to find any. i hate being single but am not going to dress provocatively or flirt to get a guy. i hate going into a public place and being absolutely alone. i still haven't been on a date. It's hard to believe anything but that he was ashamed of me. It's hard to believe anything but that he came to see me to see how far he could get, to get off as it were (which i don't want to think of him, but is what his actions seem to indicate). i was foolish, i was in love, i was so stupid to believe that we had a future together, to think that when he spoke of farming and opening store that he meant that he wanted me by his side. i feel used and betrayed (and relieved that i didn't give anything more than i felt was morally right). Everything i did, i did it in love, how am i supposed to change that? How am i supposed to be ashamed of that? All that i can see in him now is foolish pride and meanness and hatred. Did he actually ever love me?

i still feel like i'm missing a part of myself. i know that i need God, but i don't feel like there is anything wrong with needing a man, either (read the first few chapters of Genesis, for crying out loud, it is not good for man or woman to be alone). i don't know if Brad is my soulmate, i just don't know if i could trust him anymore even if he came back to me, all i know is that i want to forgive him, i want to get back together, i miss him so very much. i remember when i had to talk to him every night or it would feel like my heart would be ripped out; i still have the echoes of that in me. i still can't see any worthwhile future without him, how sick is that, that i have to have an asshole for happiness? All he would tell me is that there were things going on that i didn't understand, how could i when he shut me out and wouldn't communicate at all?

i did not choose this, i still do not choose it. i broke up with him in response of two months of his hurting me, he kept pushing me away until i couldn't hold on anymore. And now i don't know what to do, how to be alone, how i am supposed to want to be apart from him, how i could ever possibly want another, i don't understand. i still love him and miss him, stupid as that may seem. i don't know how to be anything else.