so my morning pretty much stunk

i got an Anonymous comment already about my last post (i hate anonymity lol, don't know what frame of reference it comes from). i enjoy getting comments, but sometimes i'm not sure how to respond. For instance, why do i need to forgive myself? What did i do "wrong" to require said repentance? i don't understand what Mr./Ms. Anon. was getting at so i can't follow said advice. i also don't understand the boredom comment; interesting concept, but i'm not sure how it applies, as i wouldn't consider myself to be bored. The truth is that i had given up on falling in love and getting married, then God sent Brad into my life, all my dreams were finally coming true, hope was renewed, and then Brad left. What part of that equates to boredom??? i'm very confused.

But i will say the starting over part is exactly what i don't know how or want to do... i am so sick of it. i am sick of trying to rebuild my life only to have it torn apart yet again. What is the point in trying at all if it's all just going to get thrown out and deemed worthless yet again??? This happens to me every couple of years, i never get to completely rebuild, once i finally start to get to a place where i am starting to feel semi-whole and happy it is all destroyed. This majorly pisses me off, particularly when all of it was done while trying to follow God's will, so what is that saying about what is getting destroyed? Was it not God's will? Was it only God's will for a little while? It's such b.s. and entirely cheapens all the hard work i've put into it.

My entire family is hurtful and abusive, should i just get rid of them too? i got up this morning, ate my breakfast, tell a joke, and get told to "go to hell" in response. Yeah, that's pleasant. People keep on treating me badly, saying that i'm acting bad, when i'm not, it's them projecting. i can only be responsible for my own actions. i didn't even respond to any of the rude things that were said to me this morning, it was all i could to get up and walk around, what could they really say to make my life worse? Nothing, because all of my hopes and dreams have already been shattered and thrown in the garbage.

All i can do is keep breathing and have faith in God, and that's all i have strength for. i don't know how to rebuild, i have been trying to do that for over twenty years and still can't figure it out. i don't feel young, i feel old, and exhausted, i have spiritual pneumonia, i am blind, i am lost. i walk through each day either ignoring the pain or being paralyzed it. i try to not think about the man i love, the God who i love with my very being, and just get by. i can do no better. i can't end this, i can't give up, i can't move on, it is not in my capability. If i could move on, i would, but i don't know how. i don't want to love Him or him anymore, it hurts too much, but i can't deny myself and who i am. i am what He made me and what he made me and what twenty-five years of experience have molded me into.

i am so tired of waiting, fighting just to survive, wondering when my life is ever going to begin. My mom mentioned my depression when i moved to Colorado, when i instantly gained fifty pounds. What i felt then was nothing, is so shallow and easy compared to what i live with now. i don't allow myself to dwell on the pain any more than i have to, i just shove down the pain in my chest and keep going, crawling forward inch by inch, even though i know it is only a matter of time before everything i have worked for gets torn away from me again. It is a harsh reality. People tell me that God has something better for me in store, that things will get better, but i can only wonder: when? i've been waiting for my entire life. i've been fighting for over a decade. i don't know why i even try, but i can't stop. i don't know how to stop. i don't know how to be anything but what i am.