It's funny how God brings many things together to bring one thing into focus. Like how much i love my sisters and brother and how i should act towards them. I've always known instinctively (my conscience guided me when i was growing up) but now it's different. I remember a time when i agreed with Cain: "am I my brother's keeper?" And then i saw SpyKids and Machete says "Look how <Cain and Abel> turned out." And Carmen points out (rightly so) that family is supposed to take care of each other. Only its clear the entire movie that she hasn't been taking care of Juni at all even though she claims she is.

I've been thinking about this because of something i said to my mother today and some of the stuff i read cleaning out my old e-mail drafts. Mom's been stressed a lot lately. This weekend i said something to her that, while it was true, was needlessly harsh and disrespectful. I'm sorry i said it. On the flip side of the coin two of those drafts were letters to my sister Megan during a time when she had hurt me very much and i was trying to patch things up. I don't think about what happened back then any more. I forgot it. I don't know if i forgave her as much as i let it go. Megan and i are getting along great now, in fact every time there's a birthday or Christmas we buy each other too much.

I'm falling apart. I've felt that way for a long time, but now i don't feel it anymore, i just see it. I don't know how to fight anymore, to feel the pain. Everywhere i look i see... the sky is falling (for lack of a better term). The Church isn't doing what needs to be done, America as i know it is falling apart, and i feel helpless to change anything. I've always known that: i know that i'm nothing, that God is everything. I wish i could relate that, i cannot say it strongly enough. And my view of the world now: i don't know if it's true or if Satan and/or his minions are lying to me. I know there's a battle going on around me, but how bad is it? Am i starting to see it again? I know that God is the ultimate victor, but will he be the victor here in the U.S., in my lifetime?

I'm starting to lose hope of that. It's such a pipe dream that America will ever return to God. Last time i listened to Sean Hannity--it was weeks ago--he was talking about this chip that they've changed the name of so people won't realize it's the same offensive thing with upgrades. This chip can be planted in your skin. It has a GPS tracker in it so if your kid is kidnapped you can track your kid. I'm sure it's probably the same chip that can be used in place of credit cards and can carry your medical history. They're currently trying to find a way to make the chip permanent so no one can remove it. Sean was really upset about this (understandably so): so am i. He said to one caller (a mother who was ready to sign up): so they put this chip in your kid and your kidnapped... now these kidnappers are going to be cutting something out of your kid. I know this is the mark of the beast: it's not alarmist, it fits the description. Parents will put it in their kids foreheads so their hands won't get chopped off. Designers will make the chip impossible to be removed so kidnappers won't mutilate the faces of children. Lots of people will get one. Perfectly reasonable.

I don't know if this blog will ever help make a difference against something as big as that. I know it can't on my own power. But God has been so still in my life that i wonder if i'm doing the right thing. I'm still impatient. I know he's working in my life: i can't feel him, but i can see the effects of it. But my grades in college aren't as high as i feel they should be (and i really tried hard last semester). Acting doesn't come easy to me like it used to. And writing: even when i want to write something i can't because i don't have the words or i don't have the time. Everything feels hopeless, and like i'm letting Him down, but i don't know how to fight harder or do more. I just don't. It's like i'm in quicksand: the more i struggle, the more stuck i become, and i need to relax and let someone pull me out.

But how long will i have to wait? I'm tired of waiting. I've been waiting for over six years! It feels like a waste. God's trying to teach me something, but what is it? What's so important that my ministries should be put on hold for six years? It feels like a waste and i'm ashamed that i feel that way. My old Sunday School teacher (who finally talked to me for the first time yesterday, acting as if nothing had ever happened) would have me believe that i'm not doing anything, that what i'm trying to do is worthless. I can't believe that. I will never believe that unless God tells me that. And so i still don't know what to do.