overwhelmed...

Spring break was heinous. One of the cashiers had a death in the family and i was expected to work full time... i had a ton of homework (most of it didn't get done) and the worst allergies that i've ever experienced in my entire life. On Friday i went to the local We Surround Them meetup, which i have mixed feelings about. i was not very inspired by the show, though it was nice to see other people that feel the same way i do about where this country is going (for the most part). However, i feel let down that nothing has happened yet. People talked about meeting once a month, starting small groups and growing, getting in touch electronically somehow... nothing has happened so far as i can tell. It's hard for me to reconcile that it's been less than a week after all i've been through the past few days and all the Obama administration is doing to destroy this country.

Last week, i started taking a new allergy medication, which made me hyper for two days, and then i eventually crashed, which made me a bit depressed. i'm doing a bit better now, but it has been a very foggy week. i am excited about several things that i'm considering pursuing, but realistically i am having a hard time getting up on time, getting to class, do the work, etc. i am soooo ready to quit work... and school really. It's just so hard. Once again, work seems more counterproductive than helpful, and school mostly seems that way, too. i feel like my entire life has been stalled by the expectation / necessity for me to work pointless jobs and get a degree. i'm not progressing at work, i'm not happy, i don't have time to pursue the things i love, the things that matter. It's the same thing in school, i mostly feel as if i am not learning anything worthwhile and that absolutely no one that is there would agree with my political beliefs. i want to connect with other students, i want to do something, but i have no idea how to do that. i am hard pressed to stay on task enough to get good grades, must confess that i am not wholeheartedly throwing myself into my work, am trying to just skate by, because--once again--what we're covering in class seems pointless. i am surrounded by opposing views constantly and not allowed to respond, everything i say in Brit Lit is "wrong" (this from the teacher who claims in his syllabus that there are no wrong answers), American Lit is liberal, Creative Writing (while i love the teacher) is below my level, busy work, simply a prerequisite, and Brit Rom feels very shallow and disjointed.

If i were to quit school i would be in debt, have to start paying within six months, and still have no prospects for a better job. i don't have the time to write or create anything valuable, anything marketable, anything worthwhile, and that seems like a cop out (i should be doing so much better), but it's so very true. i do not know how to cope, let alone thrive. i am so tired of trying so hard and getting nowhere. i don't know what to do, i am still stuck in the same place that i was in ten years ago, and i've fought really hard. What is the point in trying if you get nowhere? Not that i can give up, but it's very discouraging. Even in a level mood i sound so depressed lol.

i'm so sick of qqing / complaining but have no idea how to find solutions. Nothing is in my control, i am at the mercy of things around me that are out for my failure. i am a backwards capitalist, i don't care about making a lot of money or being rich, i just want to support myself (comfortably preferably, but getting by on my own two feet would be a welcome start), i have no means of doing so. i feel as if i am at a dead end before i have even started (still in the cage as it were). i should be doing homework, gah.