I've been avoiding posting here. My life is a roller coaster and it seems impossible to capture a moment in time while giving it due attention and dimension. Most of all, i feel very ugly right now.

My mother and i got into an argument the other day. She resents the fact that i use her computer so much. She resents the fact that i always seem so certain about what truth is. One of the things she said to me is: "it's your version of the truth." It hurts me that she doesn't listen to me. It hurts me that she thinks i'm making up stuff instead of realizing that all i'm doing is trying to discover God's truth. I know she thinks i'm looking in the wrong areas, especially when it comes to things like Harry Potter.

On the way to a Chorus performance on Monday we carpooled. We spent ten minutes waiting on girls who never came. Our driver Athena (who has been so nice to me this semester and i really appreciate!) was worried that Mrs. Niles would be mad at her and think it was her fault. I said that i cuss out Mrs. Niles before i'd let her blame Athena. One of the girls sitting behind me asked: "Why would you cuss out Mrs. Niles?" as if i had said i was going to do it for sure. I replied that i was tired of her blaming people for things that aren't their fault or responsibility. I said that i wasn't going to cuss her out but i would do so before i'd let her blame Athena. In other words, i'd try to reason with the woman but i love and respect her enough to take the time to cuss her out.

I'm tired of compromise. I'm tired of trying so hard. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of caring so much that it feels like i'm going to literally be torn apart by the pain. I'm tired of the silence and the dark. I'm tired of being attacked by Satan every day. I'm tired of being overwhelmed. I'm tired of having to look out for myself. I'm tired of being selfish. I'm tired of compromise. I'm tired of trying to please everyone else.

Jacque (who i carpool with to work) says that she likes how i don't care what anyone else thinks. That's not quite true. That's who i try to be: to care only what God thinks. It may surprise everyone, but i struggle with self confidence. I've dreamt of becoming an actress since i was three or four. No one that i work with (especially teachers) ever tells me that i'm doing well, that i'm improving, they only hit me with the bad. I've wanted to be a writer since i was seven. I can't seem to write what i want to. None of my readers ever tell me that i'm improving, that i'm doing better, especially writing teachers. I feel like everyone i meet despises me, barely tolerates me, thinks i'm crazy, and generally gets pissed off by who i am and what i do.

I feel isolated. My family doesn't approve of me or support me. I have no close friends (though classmates have become a welcome source of comfort at times). I don't see how my life is ever going to get better and i'm tired of listening to Satan's lies and getting discouraged. I try to tell myself that this is all part of God's plan, that He's protecting me or trying to teach me something, but it's hard. For all that i have done to try to do His will, to try to put Him first in my life, i only feel farther away from Him and farther away from success.

I can't put into words how much of a failure i feel i am. And i don't have any more time to try right now, either.

~11:49 a.m.