what i'm knitting ~ Fox inspired visor beanie
what i'm crocheting ~ almost done with the Knit 1 newsboy cap
what i'm listening to ~ just finished the Golden Compass by Phillip Pullman
On Saturday i was working with Angela at Midway and had a lot of fun. I suddenly realized while we were talking why i think i want to pierce my belly button: it's because of my cyst. When i was young i had a purplish ball in the middle of my belly button, a cyst that slowly grew as i aged. I became extremely self conscious about showing my stomach and ashamed of it. I would never have worn a bikini simply because i didn't want anyone seeing it. When i got to be a bit older--i'm not sure how old i was, but i already had breasts, though i know it was before high school--i had it cut off. I was already of the opinion that i was fat (though i now know i wasn't) so i continued to hide my body for several years more. I now long for the confidence to show my stomach, for the ability to lose the fat that i don't want and be able to have a sexy stomach. I've read before that incorporating a scar into a tattoo can boost one's confidence immensely and i think that's how i feel about piercing my belly button. I think that subconciously i want to turn something that has been shameful to me for so long into something attractive, even sexy.
Also on Saturday i began to despair because of my financial situation. I'm going to be working full time but i think that i will still be broke. I want to pay my parents back $2000. I need to pay Megan back the $300 she loaned me. I want to bond my car, buy a new computer, get a new cellphone, and i now am yearning for another toy: an ipod (specifically the one at The Leaky Cauldron shop that includes all six HP books in audio form). I would not be able to survive without the support of my parents and that kills me; i've wanted to support myself since i was fourteen. More than that, i want to be able to support myself in the Los Angeles area.
It's impossible (from a human perspective). I don't want my life to be centered on wanting money and things but how else can one survive in this world? The whole planet seems to flourish or languish on money. My heart is already tainted by the pull of greed. It's not that i want a lot of money, it's that i want a lot of things and comforts. If i had a lot of money i'm sure that i'd give a lot of it away, but i want to keep a lot of it for myself, too. I don't want to depend on anyone for anything (except God). After what i have and am going through i don't see how i ever could forget to thank God for something, to ever be so conceited as to think i don't need Him every moment of every day.
On this note it suddenly became clear why i hate certain e-mail forwards so much. You know the ones i'm talking about, the "pass this on if you love so-and-so" and "if you care forward this" etc., etc. forwards. They always try to (keeping a cheery face) engender guilt in the hearts of their readers. In this cute story so-and-so (entirely fictitious character chances are) forgot to thank God so you must be the same way (shame on you)!
That is not the God i know. God doesn't put guilt on you in order to get you to serve Him more. If one has sinned, He will convict you of it. If you have not sinned then there is no reason to feel guilt, and He doesn't want you to feel guilt anyway. God is love, period. Confessed sin is as far as the east is from the west. I know i don't deserve God. I know i am a lowly sinner. I know i am ugly. But He loves me anyway. He doesn't use guilt to get me to serve Him, He showers me with love. This is why i am so devoted to Him, because He gave the greatest gift, the greatest sacrifice, the greatest expression of His love that is possible. That's why i always delete those forwards. They twist God's words and God's will so much of the time that by the time you read it you only get a pale reflection of His intentions if not an outright lie. They don't portray the God i know and see in the pages of the Bible.
Even though my life is in a dark place, a place of broken dreams, my hope is in Him. I look to Him for comfort. The world cannot help me, my goal is to achieve something eternal, not perishable. My goal is not for myself, but for the countless masses who have not heard or not understood or rebelled. My mission is love. I love God enough to do His will no matter what the consequences. My mother asked me last night if i have any regrets about my past, about dropping out of school and rebelling and where i have been. I said no. In reality i have many regrets. In my weakest moments i regret that i've had to live the way i've had to, that i've had to go through what i did, but this is simply me being human and fallible and sinful. I feel sorry for myself far too often when i much rather be strong and more trusting of God. In reality i do not see any other path that i could have taken. I have gone through dark years, taken dark paths, but it was God guiding me. Every step, every request, has been prefaced with "Lord, if it's Your will..." Am i proud of my life? No. Do i wish that i would have done things differently? How can i truly feel that way if i am confident in the knowledge that i have only ever been trying to serve God and do His will??? Would i have done things differently if it were my decision or within my power? Of course, i am a headstrong girl who thinks she knows better than God and has to tame her will in submission to His plan! But God's ways are not our ways, they are far higher. His path is not easy, but it is the only way i will choose to take.
So here it is clear as mud: i fight with my sinful nature but in my heart i know that i can never do any thing but serve God. He is the One i love and adore. He gave everything for me and so i will give everything for Him. I am broken and discouraged and doubting but my hope and faith are and forever will be placed in Him. I weap because i believe the verses such as Proverbs 3:5-6, Jeremiah 29:11-14, Isaiah 40:31, Isaiah 61:1-3, and countless others despite the fact that they don't seem to be true and are mocking me. Yes, Satan mocks me and lies to me, but i will still believe Jesus even though the Great Deceiver's words seem so much closer and truer.
I am not being holier than thou. I am not being great. I am being broken. This Christmas i do not pray for "peace on earth" as so many do and sing about. I believe that when the angel said those words he meant something far more profound than an end to war. I believe that He meant peace in the hearts of those who serve God. I pray for peace for those who love and serve God. I pray for those who don't know Him that they can come to know Him and thus find peace. This is my Christmas wish.
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