i am really, really tired of being single. i don't know that i even have time to date, i barely get my homework done, and what i do read doesn't stay in my head long enough to pass a quiz on it. i'm tired all the time... last night i was falling asleep at the keyboard, so it's just as well that the people i meant to interact with were absent because i was in no shape for any real conversation. But still, i hate being alone. Of course, i always have been alone, so a part of me wonders how i can even know that i would like being in a couple. When i think back on those two weeks... i was mostly reveling in it, but a part of me knew that it couldn't last, that it wasn't real. And of course another Valentine's Day is about to pass, i still have never been on a date, i'm inundated with advertisements for roses and Vermont teddy bears and pajamagrams. i wish that it was all over with, because i hate the superficiality of all that junk, and yet i can't help wishing that just once i could experience that and actually feel some happiness about it. In U.S. Lit we read Dickinson, and our teacher confessed that she would love to receive one of the poems in a Valentine (might have been this one, i'm not sure). Today, in Brit Lit we read Lord Byron, and i felt the same.
i responded to a personal ad today: i thought it was written by someone i knew. For about an hour and a half i had some hope, not that i was expecting anything... but that hope is already gone. Anonymous e-mailed me back and isn't interested, and he isn't the guy that i thought he was. So do i pursue the guy (that i thought he was)? i've been thinking about it for a while. i don't want to be the pursuer, but i doubt he knows that i'm interested. i'm not even sure he's available.
No one is going to want me because of my history with depression and my apparent tendency to be a drama queen. Plus am i even really over my ex? /sigh i'm tired in so many different ways.
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