It may be hard for anyone to understand how someone can be happy and depressed at the same time, but there are always times in my life where i have managed it. i can be depressed about where i am in life but overjoyed to be walking through a park with the sun on my face. i can hate my job and adore the book i'm reading or the music i'm listening to. It all depends on one's focus: should i focus on the dark or the light?
i am still in the dark but i am ignoring it. There was a period of time where i felt as if i generated my own light, as if my eyes reflected my passion, as if my shoulderblades where constantly on the cusp of being ready to burst into flamed wings, as if i am marked by God with stars and circles and crosses and that these markings glow forth with His light, sealing me as His.
i don't feel those things so much anymore. The dark seemed to tame me for a while, seemed to dominate everything in my life. For a while i was happy with my ex, and being with him gave me a hope unlike anything i had every experienced, but even that came to an end. My wings were clipped and i crashed through the abyss once more.
i have finally come to a point where i am not exactly happy, but i am not letting the dark pull on me. i'm not overwhelmed anymore, despite the fact that one bad thing happens after another, somehow i am holding it somewhat together for a change. In some moments i despair at my loneliness, wonder if my life will always be like this, but i am starting to dream again, to prepare to build something better. Who knows if any of it will work out, but it's enough for now.
It's funny, i've been thinking about my ex, and no longer want him back, but a small part of me keeps thinking that one day he's going to beg to have me back. Maybe that's just conceited of me. i know that some people hate me because of the state i was in after it happened, i know that all i did was talk about him, well now i feel ready to move on, and i feel as i have come out in better shape of the two of us, even if he does have a job that pays well now, he's reportedly still miserable.
i had a dream a couple of nights ago that i had a baby boy. It was a weird dream, there was no father, no name, I didn't feel as if the baby was a part of me, I felt out of place. Sometimes I wonder if i'll always be alone or if someday i'll meet the right person. i feel bad about the way i ignored Wade, but i didn't ask for his advances and had too much baggage at the time. Maybe now i would be ready for a relationship, but i still think that i have yet to meet the right guy.
And of course there's the greater question: will i ever feel / hear the Holy Spirit ever again (on this side of death)? From what my Sunday school teacher said yesterday, one might lead me to believe that all of this is my fault, that i'm not doing the right things. James 4:7-10 says:
So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.What am i supposed to believe about this passage? How can i come close to God when i can't find Him in the Bible, in prayer, in worship? i don't know of any great or minor sin that is dividing us, and had i known of such i would have long ago repented of it. i have shed so many tears, have begged God to tell me what i have done wrong, and still there has been no response. i have been forced to conclude that the problem doesn't lie with me, that God is doing this on purpose, and i must admit that at times i wonder if His motives are entirely noble. See, i have done everything the "right" way, or tried desperately hard to do so. i know that i'm not perfect, i make mistakes, and right now i kind of had a bad attitude as a result to following the rules and getting the opposite results of what was promised, but i'm still trying. i'm utterly humbled, it's taken me so long just to get to a place where i can even think of trying to stand up again, and still i have received no honor. i don't see how my loyalty is divided by God and the world when i look for God everywhere and He made everything.
i keep thinking, i've wasted so much time trying to find God, trying to figure out what He wants, was there something that i was supposed to be doing that i wasn't? If so, i must not have gotten the memo. Megan and an online friend and i were talking about the end times the other day, and i'm not ready for it to happen. i used to wait for it with bated breath, constantly wonder if "today is the day", but now... please no. If so, what was my life for? What have i accomplished? i have written no books, i have found no answers, i have not changed anything. Had i lived in Biblical times, or even a couple hundred years ago, i'm sure that i would have been stoned or hanged or burned at the stake. i refuse to be silent, to be fettered. Still, as crazy as i know it sounds, i feel as if i have let God down, all the while feeling as if He has let me down. i'm not strong enough, He should know that, while the Bible would lead me to believe that i am strong enough. But Satan isn't fleeing me, God isn't making a way, i am still just stuck here wondering what on earth i'm supposed to be doing. Maybe i'm still not humble enough, or patient enough, but i still don't know how to take being more humbled, and i'm still sick of waiting.
Of course, maybe that's why i'm still single and not a mother, i'm not patient enough to have kids, lol. It's crazy where my mind goes. And now it's time to go to class, even though i just figured out a few minutes ago that i read the wrong pages. Oh well, this class is easy mode anyway, i'm sure i'll be fine.
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