feeling out of place

It was like an Obama fan club meeting in U.S. Lit today. i felt incredibly out of place as they discussed Elizabeth Alexander's inaugural poem (Praise Song for the Day), Lincoln's Gettysburg Address, Second Inaugural Address, and Obama's inaugural address, and held my tongue. i had hoped that we might actually discuss the content of the speech, particularly in light of the events that have happened since the inauguration took place, but could see that it wasn't the teacher's intent. i guess that it isn't a government class after all.

i feel like i have been hiding my head in the sand lately. i haven't been listening to the radio as much since school started up again, but what i have heard doesn't bode well. The other night i did a Google search for a web site that is watching Obama, an aggregate of news and speeches and the changes that are happening under his administration, but didn't find anything. The one Obama Watch blog i found gave up after the inauguration: they only felt the need to follow the election coverage apparently. i think it's important to be paying attention and speaking the truth now more than ever, but i also feel tired and ill equipped to do it myself.

Lately my mind has been coming back to one very impassioned statement: "Give me liberty or give me death." i feel like school and work are in the way of what i need to be doing, as if we're running out of time. But i can't quit school because i can't afford to pay back my student loans without a better job. So i keep on getting up every day, going to class, doing my homework, and feeling caged. Every time i try to do something my head hits the ceiling, i walk straight into a locked door, i'm am futilely shaking the bars. Every time i try to improve myself, write something meaningful, lasting, and worthwhile, the way is shut.

The only solution i can think of from a spiritual perspective is prayer and fasting. i honestly do not know how to reach God at this point, and as odd as it may seem, fasting is just about the only thin that i haven't tried.

Physically i need to find peers who believe the same way that i do, whether it be in RL or online (hopefully both). We need to get organized sooner rather than later. The stimulus package is already halfway home, our defenses our already being weakened, there is already the threat of freedoms being taken away. i'm not ready to give or up become an anarchist, and i really don't want the fairness doctrine to go through and not be able to listen to Limbaugh or Beck anymore.

Ugh, i've been pondering this for over two hours now, i mean to go run an hour ago, and i haven't gotten any farther than i already was really. i found a couple of blogs, remembered things i wanted to blog about weeks ago, and am overwhelmingly exhausted. i need a nap.