i am pathetic

i really am. i am so much more than pathetic. i am pathetically horrifically pathetic. i am sick of being who i am and wish that i could just cease to exist. i am invested in the wrong people, complain far too much, and do not have the slightest idea how in the multiverses and multidimensions i am supposed to ever be anything but the most minisculely pathetic individual in the history of history. i do not even know how to relate how pathetic i am, i cannot comprehend grandious enough terms. Simply put i am so bleepingly pathetic.

Why am i still stuck here in this rut? Why am i incapable of a modicum of self-control or refinement? No matter how hard i try i am still chained, caged, trapped, helpless. i am so impatient, so loose lipped, i can't shut up, can't be patient, can't be discreet, i simply vomit all of my patheticness on everyone around me. Stand back, because here more comes whether you're ready or not. i can't keep it in. i don't want this ugliness inside. But i don't want it outside either, embarassing and distasteful and repulsive to all. No one wants to be around me.

i can't stand being alone, but me being me, being honest, vomiting, only makes me more alone. i try to ignore the pain, the loneliness, the brokeness, the anger, the angst, but i can't. i'm still sick or trying to hide my reality from everyone but still scared to show everyone the truth. No one wants it, i'm ashamed of it, it doesn't help... but i still can't keep it in.

i try so hard. i live my life, try to accept it without complaint (which i am apparently failing miserably at), suck it up, keep going, keep fighting, keep ignoring how much it hurts, and all i am doing is ignoring the problem. i don't know how to fix my problems. so i try to ignore them, but i can't. i'm over my head. i can never come to a conclusion. i can never get better.

Last night my mom pointed out to me that i said (not so very long ago) that i would never, ever, ever, take an 8 a.m. class at Mesa State ever again. Well now that i will be working 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. i'd kind of like to but i can't find one. i said i would never and now i have to eat my words. So driving home from home i started going through a list of "i nevers". It made me think of the game Kate and Sawyer played on Lost, saying "I never" and then drinking if they had. My list was "I'll never" and it was a long one, full of things i have dreamed of for so very long but am so very afraid that God will never give me. i wanted to lay them out so He would prove me wrong. i'm so sick of praying and receiving no answer.

i feel bad that i've not done more for my grandparents since moving in with them but i don't know how to give more. It's really hard to drive home each night, to spend each day there, with my grandfather becoming more alien to me and more hostile towards the things the family is doing to try to help him. i feel so bad for my Grandma. Yesterday he was telling my uncle (while they were both sitting right next to me) aboud the differences between Korean prostitutes and brothels and Japanese ones from his perspective when he was there during the Korean War. i got so embarassed. He's not my Grandad anymore. i never wanted or expected to hear him say so many of the things he does now.

i don't know how to go on like this. It is always like this, overwhelming pain and problems, and i am helpless to do anything besides take it up the tailpipe and keep on keeping on. i'm sorry, i know i'm being lewd, but i'd rather be using much dirtier words and am instead trying to write in a more refined manner. No curse could ever express the pain i feel.

i want to say that i'm swearing off men but herein lies my problem: i'm sick of pursuing God. i'm sick of my Grandad's disease. i'm sick of my father's anger being manifested in my own heart and attitude. i'm sick of being single but do not know how to be a couple even if i could find a boyfriend, nor do i have the time to date. The men i desire, try not to pursue, and make a fool of myself in front of all, without exception, do not want me. Only the creeps want me. And i hate it. i hate being depressed and a pessimist and so ugly when all i want to be is joyful and optimistic and beautiful and with just one person, one person to build the rest of my life with, God willing. That's all i've ever wanted.