the incriminating blog reborn

what i'm knitting ~ celtic knot hat (but i'm not sure i like it with this yarn)
what i'm listening to ~ Christmas music!
what i'm reading ~ Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling (just finished OotP)
what i'm writing ~ Before the Dawn

It's hard for me to believe that it's been almost a month since i wrote the incriminating blog that never got posted, even harder to put into words what i'm feeling now. It has been a very eventful semester. Once i dropped the classes that were giving my headaches or cost too much for my budget things were actually going relatively smoothly. Then suddenly i felt like i was hitting my head on the ceiling, in one class in particular. And if that weren't enough i suddenly developed a huge crush on a guy that i work with.

i don't know if anyone understands this about me, but i don't usually get a crush on a guy unless it's a really, really big thing. The pressure of trying to communicate or act appropriately around a man two years my junior only exasperates things, but to make things even worse it turns out that he's already in a serious relationship (typical). So not only did i feel like a fool trying to figure out how to act around him, i felt crushed because it turned out to be yet another dashed hope, a relationship that turned to nothing before it even had a chance to start.

Some of you may know that my younger sister is pregnant with her second child. You may also know that i'm about to turn to twenty-five. But if this weren't enough... i have never been on a date, never been kissed, held hands, gone steady, etc. And i've wanted to get married and have a large family since i was three.

The past few months i've had a lot of things to get my head around. Patience has never been my strong suit and over the past seven years i have felt caged, betrayed, broken. i don't need to join the Army to go through boot camp, i've been enduring a spiritual boot camp for the past seven years. i've been sad and mad at God; i'd nearly given up. Nothing i've tried or done has ever been enough, so why keep trying, right? Such was my attitude. i'm not sure why i was more heartbroken, because i felt betrayed by God or because i felt like i was betraying God, that i should feel guilty when i didn't, not in the slightest. i'd lost hope, faith, and my positive attitude and had given into despair, doubt, and pessimism.

But life goes on. It doesn't slow down or stop no matter how much i want it to: "The only way is through this," but i didn't want to go through it, i just wanted it to stop. i'm not used to nor appreciative of having a crush: i usually don't know the person well yet, don't know them, if i really want to feel that way about them, or if i should even hope for something more. Relationships like this, that are entirely devoid of familiarity or a known sense of kindred spiritness: it's too close to lust, dangerous, and out of control. i am a fool when it comes to (eros) love and have no experience, have not felt it, do not know what to do about it. i have a hard enough time dealing with phileo, leave lust out of it entirely! i only want one man to spend the rest of my life with, and i really don't know how to let a guy know any of these things about me without scaring him off entirely.

It took me time to put the brakes on this: it always does. One time i had this overwhelming crush on a guy that turned out to be married with another kid on the way. i never spoke two words to him, we were never formally introduced, but i could just see God the Spirit moving in him so powerfully when he sang and it took me forever to let go of that. But i did. This time didn't take nearly as long, wasn't so bad, but i didn't want it and didn't want to let go of it at the same time. i'm tired of being alone. i was still mad at God.

It's hard to believe but it has been people at my job who have helped the most. Robert M. told me that i'm a lady and that no girl should have to grow up feeling like her father wanted her to be a son. Kimbo told me that one day i'll find a man that will love me for who i am and it will just be. These guys are both happily married, older than me, and my bosses (not the head boss, but bosses none the less), but hearing these words of encouragement... i've always tried to hold onto those promises from God, but somehow hearing this encouragement from two guys made all the difference.

Tonight i went to my parents' church for the Thanksgiving dinner and it was probably the best one i've been to (which isn't saying much, in case you're wondering). Afterwards my mom and i went to see Stranger than Fiction, a movie i had heard was poor but upon seeing the trailer knew that i had to see... i'm not exactly a Will Ferrell fan but i am a Emma Thompson fan. It's a very funny movie, not believable and yet all too real. And as the movie progressed for once in my life i did not try to figure out how it would end or decide how i wanted it to: i merely watched the movie unfold. i must confess that i expected Harold Crick to die. And then...

s
p
o
i
l
e
r

s
p
a
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e

...when he didn't i actually found it a bit surprising. Dustin Hoffman's professor had said that the book was a work of art and that if Harold survived it wouldn't be, that Harold's life would then be meaningless. But then Emma Thompson said something that i don't think i'll ever forget: that the reason the ending would work once she rewrote the book was not because Harold survived but that Harold knew the end of the story, he knew that he was going to die, but that he went and did this noble thing anyway. Which in my perfectly honest opinion is the kind of stuff that makes a movie worth watching, a book worth reading, a life worth living. This is the reason that i was so mad that i had become so involved with Lord of the Rings halfway through reading Return of the King because:

"It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo: the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why...."

This is why i believe that Harry will survive and Voldemort will be defeated. This is why i hated the Matrix Revolutions. This is why i only want happy endings, not because pain or sadness in life is not worth experiencing or dwelling on but because pain is only worth it if you have a happy ending. If Christ would have died on the cross and then not risen from the dead then his sacrifice would have been meaningless: my hope is validated by the promise that He has defeated death and that He is coming back for me someday. Without the happy ending the pain is meaningless, hopeless, devoid of truth; the happy ending is everything, the sacrifice for something more important is everything. i am not holding on for this life, as much as i would love for it to be made right again, and to be safe and happy, i am holding on for the good in the next world, the comfort, love, joy, and peace.

With all the crushes i have had in my life it has been "but a shadow and a thought that <i> love." They could not give me what i seek. My father wasn't able to, either, he doesn't know how much he broke me heart, tore me down, and it surprises me that i can now say to God "forgive him, for he knew not what he did." i'm far from being whole, and i don't know if a man can make me whole, but God can. i've been where Eowyn was, was not let down as easily, but i'm still waiting for my Faramir, for my Imzadi. i can not believe that i'm saying this, either, but i'm willing to wait no matter how long it takes.

i recently took a quiz that was supposed to tell you which LotR character you most strongly identify with and i was surprised that it named me Aragorn. In hindsight perhaps i am not so surprised: "i give hope to men; i keep none for myself" has resonated with me ever sinse i read it. i am ashamed to say that i have been struggling with this over the past year, would now rather have an easy life than the difficult path i chose. i am not popular, not charismatic, do not feel appreciated, and usually discount the rare praise as false. i know i have many failings, that i desperately need to be purified and molded into someone new. i lost hope; it is taking time for hope to be regained. i'm still not certain that i'm ready to go out into the world, for any ministry God has planned for me. i get tired, i lose faith when encouragement isn't forthcoming, i am stubborn and would rather gripe than let God work in my life. Yes i am weak.

And yet somehow... there's a spark in me again. For the first time in a couple of years i have hope. There's no real reason for it, i still have the dead end job, the unrewarding college career, am overweight, am single... The list could go on, but i won't bore you. But somewhere along the way i realized that things could be going a lot worse. This past week i've been in pretty excruciating pain because i pulled a muscle when i fell down bowling (my right side has had it bad, lower back, lower abs, hip, butt, thigh, calves, all cramp and/or spasm at various times during the day and with little comfort, my only recourse being to lay down for real relief, and my knee has been sore, too): i had to slow down a lot. i normally walk full tilt, don't think about getting out of bed, a chair, the car, but it turned to fear that when i tried to stand up my back would hurt so bad that i couldn't stand up straight, the muscles were just too tight, and i had to move so slow that everything is awkward. i have full range of motion, just not the strength to use it. To top things off, i've had a cold.

But i got through it. i must confess that the first day i said the f word a few times under my breath because the pain was so severe, but day by day i've gradually improved. i am so grateful that i won't have to live with this pain, hope to be back to normal by early next week, but it made me stick to my priorities. i went to work every day and tried not to complain despite the fact that i had to stand for at least half an hour straight every broadcast (twice a day). i ditched a class one day and slept in instead (which was definitely the right choice). i skipped weightlifting and bowling and will have to make them up but couldn't have lifted anything repeatedly had i tried. i've walked slow and taken the elevator a few times. But most of all i didn't get mad at God. It was such a stupid thing to feel such pain over, i've fallen down bowling before and come away perfectly unscathed, but this time... i guess it was just something God wanted to put in my path. And i faced it, and i still have hope... or maybe i should say i have hope again. All because of a story about Harold Crick and the events of my life that have conspired to slow me down and bless me.

So i'm...
thankful that i am feeling better
thankful that i have a Powderhorn season pass that i will be able to use in two weeks
thankful for my family
thankful that i didn't do anything foolish when i had that stupid crush
thankful for the raise in minimum wage January 1st
thankful for family to spend the holidays with
thankful for my computer and web.archive.org (even if my old backgrounds are still lost forever)
thankful for OotP previews and book seven news and bowling buddies who are just as crazy about Harry Potter as i am
hopeful for 2007 that...
God will bless me even more
God will send me the guy He wants in my life
God will get me out of debt and on track with His plans
God will stop being silent
guess that's about it: happy Thanksgiving!

p.s. please pray for my Grandad, who only wants to move back to Arizona and is fighting with my Grandma about it all the time