sorry about the silence

what i'm knitting ~ swimsuit coverup
what i'm listening to ~ 12 Stones by 12 Stones

Every time i finally get to lock the doors and turn out the lights at work it always seems utterly surreal to me. i never expect the shift to end, it's so endless. Plus the work absolutely drains me so by the time i get home i usually don't feel up to writing but i'm hours away from winding down enough to sleep. Lately i've only been working ten hour shifts, which makes it even worse. But the schedule should change soon, and i might even get better days off (read: the weekend!). This is great because the church picnic at Highline Lake is coming up and i'd like to take the Motorcycle Safety Course this summer.

So... why is it so weird for the shift to be over? i think it's like everything else in my life: at this point, i don't expect the bad / depressing / hard stuff to ever be over, but for it to keep going on forever. Which scares me because if (no, when) i do ever get through this hard stuff will i even notice? Will i suddenly be ecstatically joyful? It seems impossible, but it's all that i live for.

Mom told me yesterday that she doesn't read this blog very much because in RL she'll think i'm happy and doing fine and then she'll read here that i'm not. i guess that it's true, in RL i have to just forget about the pain and stuff it inside just to get through each day. My boss and customers have said that i'm laughing all the time... i have to laugh so i won't cry. i have to laugh so i won't collapse. i have to laugh so the loneliness won't overwhelm me. i don't feel depressed, i don't have time to be depressed. i don't have time to live. i know that work is my life now, but that's just more depressing if i let myself think about it. So i hold on.

These things don't feel overwhelmingly sad. i do have moments of joy and hope. But mostly i am just numb, overwhelmed, and trying to shut out any moments of weakness. More to come in a few moments...