Click again

i am soooo exhausted. i have just had this majorly bad week where i have been trying so hard to be positive and work hard and yet was so tired that i didn't want to try at all. i hate to say this (because i know i'll sound like such a whiner), but why does it always seem to be that the harder i work/try to be successful and joyful that the more bad/stressful/depressing things happen to me? i am just working my butt off at work and it's just too much for me to handle but it's like i can't stop: too many people are relying on me and i just brought home this new computer.

That's right, you heard correctly, Sunday the 18th of June i shopped around and "purchased" a Sony Vaio laptop eighteen months same as cash. So far i haven't paid anything except for the mouse. And i love my new computer so far, i've been wanting to buy one for over three years, but now of course i have to work so i can make payments and--let's face it--my job stinks. i work more than ten hours a day, four days a week normally, but an extra day when someone gets fired or quits or calls in sick/"family emergency"/drunk. The district manager doesn't like the fact that the cooler doesn't get stocked and the ice doesn't get bagged every night, okay, so i stay late to do it, and then she gets mad about that. There's no way for me to do all my work! This will be even more impossible when school starts, working over forty hours a week (because those ten hour days don't include paperwork and stocking). But i'm too busy to clean, work too late to apply for jobs, too stressed to sleep and get up early enough to get anything done. The three day weekend i now possess keeps me sane, but how long will that last? The woman i haven't even finished training is already talking about leaving! The new assistant manager is a joke, she can't do her job. The manager is going to quit or get demoted after she enjoys next week in Vegas. And i still haven't gotten back the $200 that my former assistant manager stole from my drop.

i'm so tired of letting everyone walk all over me, take advantage of me, and pulling me down. i don't want to be stressed, i don't want to be angry, i don't want to be a career woman. Watching Click again tonight at the drive in... it's so clear that Kate Beckinsale's character is a stay at home mom and they don't make an issue of it, it's natural, it's the way things are supposed to be, there's no angst about it except for the fact that the Dad is never home or helps out. Morty tells Michael "Your life was on fast forward long before I met you"... that's how my life feels. i'm always waiting for my life to begin, for something good to happen, and it never does. i love living and i am so grateful to God for all He has given me but i hate my life. How can i be a wife and mother if i have no husband? How could i act/produce/direct films if i'll never be able to get to LA or NYC? How am i supposed to write something worth publishing when i don't have time or energy to write, let alone a good story idea? How am i supposed to take care of a dog when i can't even take care of myself? i'm always dreaming, and lately it's been so very important to me to actually strive to achieve these dreams, but where am i going? Am i doing the right things? Why do i always feel so guilty when i'm just trying to be happy??? and not necessarily for myself, but like in Nacho Libre, i want to do it to help others, too. Is that so wrong to ask?!? Why did God give me these dreams if i am not meant to achieve them? How am i supposed to stop being depressed and angry and downtrodden by my life? i try so hard and nothing ever seems to get better because as soon as something does get better the next moment it gets ten times worse.

My body is constantly in pain. i know i should be eating better, and exercising, but again, where is the time? i want to buy a longboard and a ski pass this winter: more money that i will have to work for. i feel like i'm selling my soul just to get by. Here i am, a capitalist through and through, and i hate corporate for being so single-mindedly focused on making money that they forget that what's most important is a satisfied customer. i don't get lunch/dinner, i don't get a potty break, i don't get a break at all, and they try to pin drive offs on me (but won't make all the pumps prepay), try to make me work less hours while doing more than humanly possible, cheat me out of money i didn't steal, and won't fix the receipt printers, videocameras, car wash, etc. The whole station needs to be remodeled. We need more than one employee on duty at once. i need this job so much that i have to be willing to put up with anything.

How do i take my life out of fastforward? Sometimes i have wished that i could be like Forrest Gump and jog crosscountry on a whim. "I just felt like running." But i wouldn't be able to get one block without running out of oxygen or getting a cramp. i don't want to get sucked into the "must have more than the Jones'" mentality but i can't even support myself and there's so much i want. i want to travel the world. i want to own hundreds of beloved dvds and cds and write about why they have changed my life. Why do i have to be such a foolish dreamer? But i can't change who i am no matter how hard i try and no matter how many times i put my hope in God nothing changes. Life keeps passing me by on fastforward, a life i don't want, can't control, can't change. i want to rewind and start over, i want to wake up from a dream and realize that i'm still in high school, thin enough to run around the softball field and not get out of breath, naive enough to know that anything is possible. No matter how hard i try nothing will ever be enough to get me through this darkness; i've always known this. i still try: i don't know what else i can do. But i am nothing, God is everything. It goes back to Coach Carter again, my greatest fear is that i will fail.

i have so much more to say but no words to put them into. Words are never enough, no matter how much i struggle to put pain into prose. The one thing that should never have to be said is this: no matter how bad things get or what i have to go through, He still has all of me.