weirded out

what i'm knitting ~ PoA scarf
purple square wave armwarmers
what i'm reading ~ The Beginning Place by Ursula K. LeGuin
what i'm writing ~ Ginny Weasley and the Dark Diary (a first-year fic)

The past few days have been really weird for me. I've been working really hard on my webpage and new blog, i'm getting excited about reading the new Harry Potter, and Megan's baby should be coming any day now. Everything seems surreal. I'm not sure i like the direction my life is going in. I'm out of school right now but in another two months it will be back to the grindstone and i won't be able to write anymore. I'll still have my old computer that doesn't work right, i'll still owe people money, i'll have workstudy, i probably won't have enough money (though more than now). I should be working right now but i haven't been able to find a job. No one wants to hire me just for the summer of course, but i can't handle a full load and work study AND a job. I don't even know if i can handle a full load and work study. I really want to be able to snowboard this winter, to get a season pass, but will i have the time? Can i handle the homework load? I don't know what to do.

I like being able to sleep whenever i want. I like being able to work on the things i'm passionate about and feel that God wants me to do. And to be perfectly honest i don't like the school i'm going to, which is why i wanted to transfer to Hawaii. I had a bad experience last semester and am not at all sure that acting is what i want to do anymore. Every time i go to a movie i'm sure that it is, but every time i go to school--and when i was working on As You Like It--i'm not so sure.  I'm starting to dream of becoming a director someday, but i also want to write and raise a family. Where i am i feel like i'm not learning much, that i'm still stuck and spinning my wheels. I don't know how to get unstuck, i don't know what God wants me to do.

It's been six and a half years and i'm tired of complaining. I can't shine and complain. I just want to be where God wants me to be, who God wants me to be. All of this waiting is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things (what's seven years to seven googol googol googol?) but right now it's a lot. I've grown tired of watching others surrender things to Satan that ought not to be his and wonder if i do the same. I don't want to. I want to only do God's will. That's hard for me right now because i'm not always certain what it is and if i do feel certain it's disapproved of by everyone else.

The truth is, i chose this road. I could have graduated from UofA a year ago and had a job now, doing what i don't even know. I'm such a different person than i was back then. I remember knowing that i was being fake and that i was tired of doing what everyone expected of me (everyone but God). And i begged Him to show me the high road, the hard path, the way that is His will and no one else's... i just never expected it to be without a flashlight or His hand. I know He's here, i know He's taking care of me, but i don't see it, i don't feel it, i don't know that i'm going the right way. It's so incredible and hard to believe but i started to pray about becoming an actress nine years ago. I only ever wanted to do His will. I want to be everything He's dreamed up for me and seen that i can accomplish if only i will trust in Him.

How do i get from there to there: from hiding in my bedroom and praying about whether or not acting is God's will to actually doing it? I know He promised me that i'll act on Star Trek, i know He did, but what if it's not in this decade, what if it's forty years from now? What if i never get married? What if i never have kids? What if i never sell a book or screenplay? What if i'm always fat? These questions break my heart, but not as much as wondering if i will ever hear God's voice again. Not that i could ever hear a voice out of the sky, but i used to always know what He was telling me if i listened. Is Satan or one of his minions only lying to me? Probably. I don't know why. I keep on telling God that no matter what i'm not going to turn my back on Him. He already knows that, i already know that, what am i supposed to be learning? It doesn't make any sense. If God wants me to wait, i will wait, i have waited, but i just want to know that one day the waiting will be over. It doesn't even have to be explained or make sense, all i want is Him and His will.

How do i get through this, out of the dark? How do i shine, love, create? How do i change myself and be a catalyst for change in others (without choosing or controlling that change, but allowing God to do the changing)? I can see the dark spreading, feel it closing in, not just on me but the U.S. and the world. I keep praying, i try to keep seeking, i am so tired and so insufficient. I need Him. I'm nothing without Him. What do i do? How do i serve Him? How do i ignore the critics, shake them off, and fly? How do i break through financial barriers and thrive? How do i be content while i'm alone? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out.