Soul Surfer

I used to be an optimist. I don't feel like i've really been one now for a couple of years. I bring this up because one of the books i read on the campout was Bethany Hamilton's Soul Surfer. I remember hearing about her arm getting bit off the summer of the shark attacks. Later i heard she was a Christian. I suggested Mom buy her book for Katie as a Christmas present. And now i've finally read it.

I really enjoyed reading this book. I've dreamt of going to Hawaii and learning how to surf for longer than i can remember. And it was cool to read about a young Christian who's passionately on fire for God despite difficult circumstances that are in her life. She thinks that it's important to remain upbeat and optimistic no matter what life throws you. And i feel guilty because i whine so much and focus on the waves instead of Jesus.

I know that i have few physical impediments to overcome, but i know that God gave me this test because it would be the hard one. If he would have given me cancer i don't think i would have minded half so much. The real test for me is waiting. I don't want to wait. I want to be in the arena, the ring, the battle, right now! And to me it's as if God is saying "No, not yet, wait," and that's the last thing i want to do. It's not logical to me.

It's a constant tug of war for me. With one eye i have given everything to God and am fully trusting Him; with the other i am looking around me, terrified, because i am totally out of control. Overall i'm pretty blind. I can see that God's working around me, i just can't feel Him, and progress seems excruciatingly slow to me. So one part of me thinks "finally, some progress!" while the other whines "what's taking so long?!?" My family thinks that i'm "spinning wheels" and going nowhere. It seems that no one understands just what it is that i'm going through... It's like i'm begging God "Here am i, send me!" and He keeps saying "no" so i am bereft. I have no delusions of gradeur, i want to do whatever God wants me to do, i just don't understand why He would promise me something and then close all the doors... unless He's testing me.

But i feel like i'm in a cage. I feel like i'm shouting in here and no one hears me. I know He hears me, but it's like He's ignoring me, and it's gotten to the point that i'm so tired of repeating myself that i'm tired of saying anything. I know He hears me anyway, but i don't know how to ask anymore. I've asked so many times for so long and to no avail. When will the answer ever be yes?

This month marks (approximately) my eighteenth birthday as a daughter of the King. I know that i am nothing without Him, that without Jesus my life would be meaningless and overwhelmed by the follies of a sinful lifestyle. I'm so grateful that He chose me, that He has dreams that are so much bigger than the ones i can even imagine.

I'm just afraid that i'm missing something, that i'm not saying the right words or that i'm not asking forgiveness for the right sins. I can't find anything in my life that's blocking Him. I know that i'm a sinner, but so much of what i am is what this period of my life has shaped me into. I know that might sound like a cop out but it's true. How can i know who to be if He does not clearly show me? I can only guess and hope. It's been six and a half years of darkness, and He's been so silent that i've become afraid that when i can feel Him again i will be overwhelmed with the light. I'm afraid that i'm praying the wrong things. I'm afraid that i'm making the wrong choices. I'm afraid that i've already messed up too much and it's too late for any of my dreams to come true; not that God has let me down... but that i've let Him down.

Satan and his minions laugh at me. I'm more scared of him than i should be. He's obviously scared of me, he's given me such a hard time. I know that i can do anything when Christ is giving me the strength. But at the same time i can't do anything if He doesn't give me the strength, and i don't feel like i have much strength anymore. I keep trusting that somehow He's going to make it okay, but i can't help but wonder if i've already let him down or if i will because i don't have the strength to hold on anymore. Does 1 Corinthians 10:13 apply in situations like this? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I feel dead. I don't know how to lift up my cross and follow Him. I don't know how to get up off the ground. I don't know how to reflect God's love to others. I don't know how He could use someone like me. I just pray that He will use me (because i know He can; He can do anything). I just try to pray that He'll give me the strength to get through this.

I don't know how to be positive. I don't know how to be optimistic. God will get me through this, i believe that: but i'm going through hell to get there. Earth is the closest that Christians get to Hell: lately it's been way too close for my liking. And try as i might, i can't think up any words to make things better.

I don't want to be Frodo. I don't want to give in to the dark once i've finally reached my destination. I don't want to give up on life and happiness and succumb to grief once the dark is past. I want to shine. I want to burn with an overwhelming passion for Jesus. I want to love with God's love. I know a lot of Christians probably think i'm off the deep end, that no one should worry about what God thinks and wants so much... I'm not sure what to say to them. All i know is what i feel God has taught me in the past. I think He wants me to take up my cross daily and follow Him. I think He wants me to dedicate even the small stuff to Him. I don't think He wants me to sweat it; i think He wants me to trust Him in all things.

I know i'm not very articulate. I just want God to use me. I love Him so much it hurts. I don't know how to deal with the pain. I hope you can sort of understand that and why i act the way i do, why i write what i write. I'm just trying to please Him. I really wish i knew how. And i know i should read my Bible more but i'm scared that He won't speak to me that way, either (it seems like usually even when i do read, He still doesn't show me what to do). I just miss Him and don't know what else to do. I'm trying so hard. I know it's not enough.