I'm sorry that it's taken so long for me to get back to the computer. I feel that it's important that i reply to some of your comments. Firstly, thank you for your encouragement, Yadah. Secondly, i wish to respond to Apostle John.
I go to church to both bless and be blessed. As i've said, i'm currently having trouble with the giving part because i've been so badly hurt by my brethren in the Lord as well as God. I try to have the same mentality as St. Francis of Assisi (Lord, grant that i may seek to comfort rather than be comforted) but as i feel that i am being constantly attacked from every side that's very difficult right now. For a while it was hard for me to even talk to God about it because i've prayed so very hard in the past and His answer is still wait. I don't know if i have the strength to wait anymore.
You seemed to insinuate that i go to church only to feel good: let me just assure you such is not the case. I am always part of the 2% that does 98% of the work in the church, to quote a common phrase. But in reading God's Word it is clear to me that i must seek God to find Him and He promises that when i seek i will find (Luke 11:10). As i have been seeking Him very hard and not finding very much but silence i am understandably upset. I still believe everything that He promises, which is saying a lot considering some of the anger towards Him that i was holding inside not so long ago. But i've 'fessed up with Him, humbled myself yet again, and started reading my Bible more regularly. I don't know that this will change or help anything imediately, but i am endeavoring to do His will.
The trouble is that it's very hard for me to plan for and work towards a future when i'm not even certain that i'm crawling in the right direction. I hope that makes sense.
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