God has a weird sense of humor. He does. It's so funky i'd almost call Him morbid.

I've just been thinking a lot lately about where i am in life. I'm so sad and overwhelmed and p.o.'d but i still trust Him. My life is seriously messed up but i keep on loving Him and keep on trying to serve Him and no one understands what i'm going through except the One i'm the most angry with: Him. Oh, people will sometimes try to understand (unless they're closed and think i'm not really going through anything at all) but no one really understands. They can't.

Who could understand how i feel honored and chastised by Him at the same time? How i'm perfectly content yet overwhelmingly sad all at once? I feel deeply: that's what i asked Him to give me. I asked Him not to give me patience and that's what He decided to teach me, too. And people tell me to "hang in there" and "it will be all right" and it isn't. I'm the persistant one, i'm the one who's been willingly and not-so-willingly waiting for five and a half years. No matter how hard things get i still turn to Him, but i've discovered that no matter how much i've already been through things can still get worse. And i know He's allowing these things to happen to me, but i also know that He is my only hope. So i wait.

Right now i have only a few cents to my name. I'm sitting in the library media center typing this out, listening to Avril Lavigne or whoever else pops up next on Launch, am wearing one of my three Quizno's shirts, my only pair of cargos, and my beat up sneakers. I probably reek of subs but i can't smell it anymore. I'm exhausted in so many different ways. Around my neck is a silver chain with two rings hanging from it. One is my "Lord of the Rings ring" and the other: my True Love Waits ring.

For a couple of weeks now i've been wearing my TLW ring around my neck and playing with it, kissing it, holding it. And here is how God has been so ironic: you see my TLW ring looks kinda like the One Ring. Every time i've attended a LotR event in costume i've worn it like this and people have always assumed that it was a replica of the One Ring. The ring originally stood for my virginity, my saving myself for my Imzadi (my future husband), but it's become so much more. Everything this ring stands for is part of me now and has become a burden, one that i willingly bear. It's come through every day with me, either on my left ring finger or around my neck, and it doesn't stand for merely my chastity anymore: it stands for my relationship with God.

I'm waiting for Him because i love Him. Most people don't understand that, they tell me "God helps those who helps themselves" and other well-meant fallacies and they totally miss what God's whispering to me right now, what i've been trying to share with everyone. Even though i can't see Him, He's still here. Even though i can't feel His hand in mine, He's still leading me. Even though i can't hear Him, He's still teaching me. And even though the one thing i want more than anything is to go (Here am i Lord, send me!) He's asking me to wait.

I know that i could never have loved Him if He hadn't loved me first, but i love him ever so desperately. I am furious with Him and hate Him and He's hurt me more than words can say but i still love Him so much that i just cannot help but keep coming back for more. Whatever He wants i'll do it. I'm so weak that i may not be able to, but i'll try my hardest and He'll do the rest. And though i am utterly perplexed and my heart is in a million pieces and i hardly recognize myself or my life anymore i know that He is in control.

People don't want to hear the truth. The truth hurts. But truth is my only freedom right now. Everything around me weighs me down but i'm free anyway, trying ever so hard to run, to fly. I am so annoyed by my life and the people who refuse to accept me as i am but somehow i cannot hate them anyway. I hate what they do to me, how they make me feel, the lies they tell me, the way they push me back down in the mud, but i'm trying to love them anyway. Sometimes it's too much and i lash out at them: it's so hard when all day every day people are trying to push me down. But i don't want to be down anymore. I want to be who God wants me to be and that's all that matters.

I didn't know God would bring me here. Somehow i knew deep down that i wasn't really happy but i didn't know how to get free. I kinda know now but He's still teaching me, still molding me. I hate some of the things i've been through, but i'd rather live this life than the lie i had. It's such a relief to be myself, to know exactly what i want, to be able to take comfort in the things that God has given me. He's shown me so much. There are so many things that He will use in our lives if only we will let Him. Most people try to fit Him in a box and control our own life by telling Him what we think we should have when in reality He is so much more awesome if we will let Him show us the storm.

I'd rather have this pain and be weird than be safe and ordinary. Sure, it's scary, but i know i'm perfectly safe in His arms. I'm not afraid of the dark anymore, or the swollen waves, or the pain: He's closer because of them. That's why i am who i am and do what i do, because i have abandoned all else for Him. He's all that matters.

Don't like what i have to say? Too bad. I never shut up.