I know i've been silent of late and it pains me. I have been so insanely busy with school, church, and family obligations that i feel overwhelmed. There is little time for me to get online and when i do i usually don't have time to write here (i need to be doing an assignment, etc.).
Life is still hard. I keep thinking that it's going to get better, and in some ways it has, but then it just gets bad again. In Sunday School my teacher has constantly been on my back. Ever since i moved back it's seemed like he was more intent on judging me than teaching me. I would come each week, expecting to be blessed, and come away disappointed. He was my S.S. teacher for a while in high school, i know that he's got the gift if he'll only use it, but for some reason the teacher that he was--the man who was so passionate about Jesus and so knowledgable about the Word (despite the short length of his walk with God) that it blew me away--is gone.
About a month ago we had a big argument in front of my sister and a guy who had been coming to the class less than a month. It turns out that he blames me for the fact that the class is small (i've been chasing everyone away apparently despite the fact that there has been about five people besides me in that class since i've moved back and they all had obvious reasons for not continuing to come), he's apparently been holding a grudge against me since high school (centered on the fact that i "can only feel God on the deck of a Star Wars ship"... a total twisting of my words), and he basically said in no uncertain terms that i'm not wanted in his class and what i'm doing to witness is not enough (my blogs are worthless... even though i don't think he's ever read a word of my writing).
I started going to my Mom's S.S. class. It's since tripled in size. My sis won't be going back to his class. The new guy kept coming for two weeks but i don't think he was there last week.
The thing that bothers me the most is that i've rooted for him in the past when others were attacking him. He's been doing little things that have bothered me ever since i've moved back and i've simply forgiven and forgotten (they all came rushing back over the next twenty-four hours). But he apparently thinks that because he's really into evangelism then i have to be, too. He expects me to use time i don't have, resources i've never heard of, and a gift that God didn't give me, to bring people to the Lord. I am not into handing out tracts; i have to take the time to build a relationship with people to witness to them one on one. Cramming God's Word down complete strangers' throats just doesn't work for me. Believe me, i'm up front about my faith, everyone knows i'm a Christian, that doesn't mean that i need to offend people by trying to force them to see things my way (Jesus is already offensive enough as it is).
Another thing that he's all over me about is cursing. See, i mistakenly admitted to him (on a week where i thought we were actually having a good dialogue and it was just the two of us) that i have been indecisive about what to think about swearing in the past. So now he assumes that i cuss all the time and is holding it over my head (he's also accusing me of "changing stories" in the middle of said class). The truth is that i learned how to curse from Christians, i don't approve of Christians cursing (or anyone for that matter), and i try not to do it myself but i'm only human and sometimes i just don't have any other words for how much my life stinks. I don't swear in public and i'm trying to stop entirely but yes, i curse from time to time in private. But what business is that of his? He is not an accountability partner; he's supposed to be teaching me what God's Word says, not judging me on whether or not i'm following the Bible to the letter.
If he wanted to confront me about something that i've done to offend him then he should have done it in private per Matthew 18:15-17. I wouldn't have minded if he wanted his wife to be there when it happened, but he shouldn't have attacked me in front of two other people and then totally ignored what they thought when i tried to ask them their opinion. He just totally changed the subject and charged ahead on whatever phantom sins that i have made.
He tried to quote a verse about hating "people" being as good as murder and when we looked it up it's about hating other Christians (1 John 4:20)! He's trying to show me the error of my ways or something and in the process totally takes a verse out of context. He then switches tactics and accuses me of loving Harry Potter more than the Bible when i mention how some Christians are judging Rowling because that's how i know that verse. But to say that i don't love my Bible is a false assumption. I'm an AWANA leader (and AWANA is all about memorizing verses) and the Bible is my sword: why would i not love and rely on the Bible? But i suppose that AWANA is just another ministry that doesn't count because he was upset about my explaining what AWANA stands for before a class started over six months ago (it comes from 2 Timothy 2:15).
The thing is, i've been all about 1 Timothy 4:12 and not letting anyone look down on / judge / lie about me for a long time. I've gotten attacked a lot over the past few years, so right now i'm overdefensive: it didn't help when he attacked me in front of a stranger and lied about me to my face then to the pastor the next day. In class i made a fool of myself because no matter what i said only made it worse. He didn't want to hear the truth. He could only see the lies.
I'm tired of fighting Christians about actions that i've taken that were in line with what Scripture teaches. I could fight from here to eternity because you know what? I was a goodie-two-shoes. No one could find dirt on me, i had all my bases covered, i was the "perfect" Christian. But do you know what i discovered? I wasn't being genuine. For the first time in my life i'm being real and letting myself be human and fallible and they start accusing me, the one with the spotless record.
I try so hard to serve God in every area of my life, with every breath, but i've also decided to stop relying on myself and trust God instead. So what happens when people start attacking me? I try to defend myself because i'm perfect, remember? Their accusations are baseless and lies. But i make a fool of myself when i stand up for myself. I get angry and tell the truth but i hurt people when i do it. I'm brutally honest because that's all i know how to be. The truth hurts and i know it.
But at the same time i'm trying to tell people that i'm innocent when i know i'm not... It's not that i'm guilty of what they're accusing me of, but i'm far from sinless. I listened to what other people told me to do for far too long and i'm still reaping the consequences. I still have no idea what God wants me to do with my life in the here and now: i'm stumbling in the dark, crying out to Him, and it's clear even in the dark that i'm far from perfect. I try to be like Him but i'm not. I know that i'm "better" than a lot of people but i also know that i'm nothing without Him. i know that the reason i'm not a junkie unwed mother or something worse is because God made sure that i knew Him from the beginning or my life. All that i am is who He made me. And i know i've let Him down so many times but every single day i get up and try to do whatever it is that He wants me to do whatever that is.
So i take offense when someone accuses me of not following God because that's all i'm about. Every day is a sacrifice of worship and love and blood and tears. He gave everything for me so i have to give Him everything back and i know it still won't be enough. "But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair" (Reliant K, Be My Escape).
One of the things my teacher was so upset about was that the week before he had said that Mormons own Coke and i said "no, Pepsi" and he says that we fought for over five minutes when in reality it was like half a minute. I don't know who owns Pepsi and i don't really care. I've believed since junior high that it was Pepsi and i love Coke but as he says "it doesn't matter" (which makes me wonder why he made such a big deal about it). It just got me thinking... If someone said that Jesus turned the water to beer (instead of wine) at that wedding would he say "it doesn't matter?" I'm a firm believer that Christians shouldn't be lying no matter how inconsequential they think the subject is. Now i know that my family is majorly overconcerned with being 100% right 100% of the time, and i admitted to that to him, and i am trying to not be that way, but if it is Pepsi and not Coke... Sure, it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but does that make it okay for him or me or anyone to lie about it?
I don't know which way it was but he lied about me to my face and insulted not only my sister but the newest member of the class. He didn't care about resolving the situation or discussing any problems that he had with me, he wanted to put me in my place as it were and it had to be his place. And i'm not into that. I believe what my Bible says and nothing else. I will do what God tells me to do and no one else.
I reached out to him months ago and he ignored me and now he spits in my face so i guess my question is what do i do? I really want to know. I tried to write a letter but i couldn't send it because it was too ugly. He was so wrong in what he did that i can't write a letter in love without it being just as awful as what he did to me. I don't want to face him ever again because he hurt me. I had to sing in the service that Sunday and when i got up to leave he accused me of running away when i had just spent half an hour trying to reason with him. He didn't want to hear the truth. My life doesn't revolve around him.
It was hard for me to focus on God for a couple of days after this happened, all i could see was the dark. I performed beautifully i've been told, but all i could think of was all the ugly things he said and i replied with in like. My life is still a struggle each day. I need a job but can't find one. I am overwhelmed with schoolwork and church and the myriad of obstacles that i have to face each day. Despite it all i know that i still believe God. It was amazing when i was recently updated my How to become a Christian page how much i still know that every word that i wrote on that page is absolutely true. After all i've been through i'm still enough of a fool to have faith in everything God's told me.
About the "Star Wars deck" comment... I trusted this teacher completely. In H.S. i confessed to him that i believe that God has promised me that i'll be on Star Trek someday and at the time i wondered if i wouldn't be able to feel the Holy Spirit again until that promise has been fulfilled. It astounds me how much he took that simple statement of faith out of context. He heard "I'll never feel him unless he does things my way;" i said "i still believe that God will keep His promise and someday soon i'll be able to feel/hear Him again." Even in my darkest years (yes, it's been six years now) and when i am doubting Him i cannot help but have faith in the deepest part of me. Sometimes i hate it, but it's still true.
All i was is His, all i am is His, all i ever will be is His, no matter where He takes me. I'm tired of repeating myself but i can't shut up about it: i can't.
