Tonight Nightline opened with the story Teens Rally Against an 'Un-Christian' Culture. i like Nightline because it's less one-sided than most news programs. The MCO i relieve stuck around for about ten minutes to watch the story, and at the end he said that the young woman being interviewed--Charlotte Rose Hamilton--was "so brainwashed" when she's talking about having hope and being important to God, if no one else.
That's brainwashed?
Also near the end of the story are the gay protestors, holding up signs, and a man on a blowhorn saying that these Christians are hateful. The reporter says that the Christians are under fire for being "anti-gay and anti-Pro-Choice"... The gay man--Giovanni Jackson of World Can't Wait--was talking about bigotry, though it was clear that he did not want to hear any opionion but his own. He was obviously guilty of the very thing that he was accusing the Christians of being. He said that being anti-gay was not compatable with Christianity.
He's not brainwashed?
i will allow that the MCO in question seems to be gay (though he does not profess to be so, that is the general consensus), but does he consider me to be bigoted, hateful, brainwashed? i said that it is possible to be against gay marriage without hating gays, did he even hear me? i don't hate him, i don't hate gay people, i just don't understand why they are so insistant that no one be allowed to espouse beliefs that are contrary to their own. Are they afraid of hearing the arguments, of having their opinion changed? If they honestly feel that way then why do they hide their beliefs, work so hard to silence others? Can their ideals not withstand a little testing?
These conferences are about giving up the sinful things in life, which is good, but to a certain extent it seemed like they were willing to give the entire entertainment industry to Satan and i'm not willing to do that. There are certainly movies and songs and tv shows out there with overwhelmingly vile elements; how then can you just choose to ignore them? It is my argument that the industry must be changed like any human being is, from the inside out. Hate the sin, not the sinner. Christians should stop consuming the trash, but that is only one step in the battle.
The idea that Christianity is not anit-homosexuality is completely false. The Law is clear that it is sinful for a man to lay with another man, or a woman to lay with another woman (Leviticus 18:22, 20:13). God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because of their prevalent homosexuality. In this situation a mob of men came to rape the angels who were staying in Lot's house, and the angels had to practically drag Lot and his family out of town so that they wouldn't also be destroyed (Genesis 19).
It's not P.C. to say that God will destroy a country for its sin but at the same time it's hard to believe that He hasn't already. If you read the Bible you can see His causing death and war because of immorality, why hasn't he here? i personally don't think that this country will last my lifetime without another Awakening and massive changes in the government. There are a lot of hard questions about what our country is doing in the world that i don't know how to answer anymore... Is it right for us to be in Iraq? i have no doubt that what we are doing there has ended the reign of a corrupt man presiding over his own holocaust, but should any country force their beliefs and ideals on another? We cannot save ever country in the world from the ills that consume them. Maybe this is yet another example of something that should be handled by much prayer and by sending in missionaries, not soldiers. But upon studying the history of this country one is overwhelmed by the stain of how the native americans and slaves were treated in our own past. It's hard to reconcile. i don't think i'm equipped to deal with it at present.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Deathly Hallows news!!!
The cover for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows has been released!!! i didn't expect to get to see it for at least a couple more weeks! As i predicted, the Harry Potter logo in the title is in red but the cover is way more colorful than i expected... i expected it to be in the same vein as OotP and HBP's, with a single predominate shade of dark grey. See the cover here!
Monday, March 26, 2007
i am a virgin, part 3
So maybe i am not so correct as i assume. Maybe it isn't Dad who doesn't know how to show affection properly. Maybe it is me who doesn't. i find myself acting like my father more often than i would like to, and sometimes it's not in a bad way. i do the same things to the kids that he used to with me, roughhousing, tickling, hanging them upside down. They seem to like it. i think that i just didn't always trust him to be showing me that sort of camaraderie.
i have been shut down emotionally. i grew up scared of Dad, for good reason, but i didn't trust him like a little girl is meant to trust her father, i took things harder than anyone else. He told me not to cry, so i wouldn't. i've since relearned how to cry; i cry a lot. i cry watching sappy commercials, heartwrenching movies, and during difficult family conversations about Grandma and Grandad. i cry about things that make me so happy that i don't know how to breathe for the hope and promise of it. i cry about things i have lost or am losing. i cry because i am lonely and overwrought. i cry too much for some people, just like my mother and my Grandma. This is how i was made to be, it is my genetics and soul and life intermingled.
But i still don't know how to show affection towards other adults in a healthy way. i am a virgin, i've never dated, i don't have any friends, i lost all my coworkers when i was promoted, classmates are rarely seen after one semester, and my world is always in chaos. How is a person supposed to work full time and school full time and finish their homework and have healthy relationships and get any sleep? i don't think it's possible.
A couple of weeks ago on Grey's Anatomy Cristina was having an engagement crisis and spent the night with "her person," Meredith. Not only did they spend the night in the same bed (as nonsexual friends) but they spooned... which i don't even do with my sister or my mother, the only two people i would consider to be "my person." They're both married and have obligations elsewhere, but they're probably the two people on this planet that i show the most physical affection to that are adults. But i don't feel comfortable kissing my sister, or holding her hand, or even hugging her sometimes. i don't know why that is, we just aren't physical at all, and i hate it. Sometimes i lay my head on my mom's shoulder or hug her because i miss being able to crawl into her lap or hold her hand. The funny thing is that when i was a kid i couldn't become old enough to stop holding her hand fast enough in my opinion of the time. Oh how things change.
Drat, i have to go to class. i've been wanting to write this all weekend.
i have been shut down emotionally. i grew up scared of Dad, for good reason, but i didn't trust him like a little girl is meant to trust her father, i took things harder than anyone else. He told me not to cry, so i wouldn't. i've since relearned how to cry; i cry a lot. i cry watching sappy commercials, heartwrenching movies, and during difficult family conversations about Grandma and Grandad. i cry about things that make me so happy that i don't know how to breathe for the hope and promise of it. i cry about things i have lost or am losing. i cry because i am lonely and overwrought. i cry too much for some people, just like my mother and my Grandma. This is how i was made to be, it is my genetics and soul and life intermingled.
But i still don't know how to show affection towards other adults in a healthy way. i am a virgin, i've never dated, i don't have any friends, i lost all my coworkers when i was promoted, classmates are rarely seen after one semester, and my world is always in chaos. How is a person supposed to work full time and school full time and finish their homework and have healthy relationships and get any sleep? i don't think it's possible.
A couple of weeks ago on Grey's Anatomy Cristina was having an engagement crisis and spent the night with "her person," Meredith. Not only did they spend the night in the same bed (as nonsexual friends) but they spooned... which i don't even do with my sister or my mother, the only two people i would consider to be "my person." They're both married and have obligations elsewhere, but they're probably the two people on this planet that i show the most physical affection to that are adults. But i don't feel comfortable kissing my sister, or holding her hand, or even hugging her sometimes. i don't know why that is, we just aren't physical at all, and i hate it. Sometimes i lay my head on my mom's shoulder or hug her because i miss being able to crawl into her lap or hold her hand. The funny thing is that when i was a kid i couldn't become old enough to stop holding her hand fast enough in my opinion of the time. Oh how things change.
Drat, i have to go to class. i've been wanting to write this all weekend.
Friday, March 23, 2007
That's a Bad Word?
I work from eleven p.m. to seven a.m. Monday through Friday. It’s my habit to have the radio on whenever I’m driving, and I’m usually tuned in to 1100 KNZZ because I like to hear the news and several of the conservative talk shows. Lately I’ve been extra eager to hear the radio on right after I get off work because the first hour of the Glenn Beck program is now on the air.
Glenn Beck has quickly become my favorite talk show host. He is so irreverent, so funny, and his politics are usually exactly aligned with my own. I haven’t listened to him for a long time relatively speaking, on an off for just over two years now. I was introduced to him three winters ago because his show would be on KNZZ when I would leave Powderhorn to drive home. For a while he wasn’t on anymore, and then they cut out his third hour, but now he’s on for three hours, oddly arranged as one hour in the morning and two hours in the afternoon. So I love to tune in every morning after a long night’s work and be greeted with his trademark, “Hello, you sick, twisted freak.”
This morning a caller wanted to talk about the post-9/11 requirements of photo i.d.’s for everyone. He was trying to compare it to something that the Nazis had done, but he wouldn’t say the word Nazi on the air: he claimed that the call screener had told him not to. I guess he was referring to the requirement that all the Jewish people had to get i.d.’s leading up to World War II and wear the Star of David. Beck asked, “That’s a bad word?” and kicked the guy off the air after confirming with his screener that she had not nixed the term Nazi.
What I’m babbling towards in a round about way is the tendency for people to say a word is bad when it isn’t. I remember hearing on the radio about a high school English teacher being fired because she read the word “niggardly” aloud in class and explained what it meant (“stingy” from Old Norse). I remember during the 2004 debates when Kerry demanded that Bush not call him a liberal. In both cases I found myself perplexed to the point of irritation.
Since when is liberal a bad word? According to dictionary.com “Liberalism is an ideology, philosophical view, and political tradition which holds that liberty is the primary political value.” We don’t use the word in that way any more; the new term for that ideology is Libertarianism. Liberalism has changed from the idea that everyone is equal with the same rights to something very different. A liberal education is something that’s good to have, but use that word for a politician, and even if they are a liberal, they apparently might become offended.
Why are people so hesitant to stand up for what they are? I embrace liberalism in the classical sense of the word, and though I do not share the ideals of the new form of liberalism, I do rigorously defend their rights to speak up for their beliefs, just as much as I defend the Conservatives’, Christians’, Environmentalists’, Polluters’, Socialists’, Libertarians’ right to freedom of speech. I am proud of being different, is there anything wrong with that? Since when is saying what you believe wrong?
Glenn Beck has quickly become my favorite talk show host. He is so irreverent, so funny, and his politics are usually exactly aligned with my own. I haven’t listened to him for a long time relatively speaking, on an off for just over two years now. I was introduced to him three winters ago because his show would be on KNZZ when I would leave Powderhorn to drive home. For a while he wasn’t on anymore, and then they cut out his third hour, but now he’s on for three hours, oddly arranged as one hour in the morning and two hours in the afternoon. So I love to tune in every morning after a long night’s work and be greeted with his trademark, “Hello, you sick, twisted freak.”
This morning a caller wanted to talk about the post-9/11 requirements of photo i.d.’s for everyone. He was trying to compare it to something that the Nazis had done, but he wouldn’t say the word Nazi on the air: he claimed that the call screener had told him not to. I guess he was referring to the requirement that all the Jewish people had to get i.d.’s leading up to World War II and wear the Star of David. Beck asked, “That’s a bad word?” and kicked the guy off the air after confirming with his screener that she had not nixed the term Nazi.
What I’m babbling towards in a round about way is the tendency for people to say a word is bad when it isn’t. I remember hearing on the radio about a high school English teacher being fired because she read the word “niggardly” aloud in class and explained what it meant (“stingy” from Old Norse). I remember during the 2004 debates when Kerry demanded that Bush not call him a liberal. In both cases I found myself perplexed to the point of irritation.
Since when is liberal a bad word? According to dictionary.com “Liberalism is an ideology, philosophical view, and political tradition which holds that liberty is the primary political value.” We don’t use the word in that way any more; the new term for that ideology is Libertarianism. Liberalism has changed from the idea that everyone is equal with the same rights to something very different. A liberal education is something that’s good to have, but use that word for a politician, and even if they are a liberal, they apparently might become offended.
Why are people so hesitant to stand up for what they are? I embrace liberalism in the classical sense of the word, and though I do not share the ideals of the new form of liberalism, I do rigorously defend their rights to speak up for their beliefs, just as much as I defend the Conservatives’, Christians’, Environmentalists’, Polluters’, Socialists’, Libertarians’ right to freedom of speech. I am proud of being different, is there anything wrong with that? Since when is saying what you believe wrong?
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Deathly Hallows news
According to the Leaky Cauldron HP DH has 784 pages. In case you're wondering, GoF has 734, OotP has 870, and HBP has 652.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
observations on going back to church
i should be working on homework, but i really, really don't feel like it.
i went to church last week for probably the first time since i started working full time. i chose to go to Canyon View again because i don't know where else to go, what time services start at other churches, etc. The first two songs i did not know but was appalled by how no one seemed to be singing them while i was trying to sing along. The music was not as good as usual: i don't like how there doesn't seem to be a predominant melody on stage, everyone is singing harmony or a descant. But it actually felt good to be back in church, and i think i know why.
i have been extremely let down by my recent church-going experiences. Music is definitely an important part of the experience, but more importantly to me i have expected to be fed by a message from the Word. Though the pastor at my parents' church harps on and on about the Word of God being infallible, all-important, he does not practice what he preaches. He takes his sermons from other ministers, not even taking the time to verify that what they teach is even Scripturally sound. There was one week where he said that Jesus' feet being annointed was the same time as his head being annointed (in events leading up to the crucifixion) when upon five minutes of searching it is clear that in one gospel that one happens directly before Palm Sunday, the other event just after Palm Sunday. Even further, i was finding it exceedingly depressing to go to church or read my Bible when nearly everything that i was hearing screamed out to me within: "Yes, i've done this, i know this, i've always persevered to follow this, so why is my life so horrible instead of the way He promises?"
And this week i realized... i've been looking for a church where i can get the most out of the experience. My entire life i've been part of the 10% that does 90% of the work, since before anyone (save maybe my parents) thought i was old enough to give at all, and i'm tired. i never really understood why it bothered me so much, but i've seen this same attitude for years in the lives of senior citizens and always felt betrayed by their presumption that they should not have to do any work any more, and how they always complained about it. And then i see this same pattern in me, i've burned out after only twenty-some years, how long did they serve? i feel ashamed. And i realized that usually i am refilled by serving at AWANA because i go expecting to give, not receive.
So on Sunday i did not go expecting to receive, but to give. To give what? All that i feel i can give right now, worship, and faith, and hope, and devotion. Those are all very hard for me now, are all sacrifices. i guess they always were, but they always felt easy before, and now i have this nagging voice screaming at me: "God always takes away your dreams, the things that bring you joy, and He always will..." That's what i'm so afraid of. None of my dreams have ever come to fruition, they're always torn apart, corrupted, taken away unfulfilled. i'm so scared that i'll never fall in love, get married, have children, write anything publishable, work in the film industry, do anything to justify my existence and the pain on the path i embraced. How do i keep trusting God with this overwhelming fear? i gave Him everything, only to have my heart broken, how do i continue to give Him everything? How do i continue to trust Him with abandon? i have for so long, and i'm still waiting, i'm still wondering how i got through the past seven+ years and still have not learned patience. i need patience. But i'm still too impatient to develop it.
i want to be delivered now, that's what i've always wanted. i never thought it would hurt too much for the end to justify what i've been through to get there, but now i'm not so sure. And the question i have to ask myself is can i forgive God, love God, serve God, even if He doesn't fulfill His promises? i don't know how to live apart from Him, let alone turn my back on Him, but how am i supposed to say "yes, Lord, yes, Lord, yes yes, Lord, amen," when it hurts so much?
People act like i am depressed, that i should cheer up, but that's not how i feel. i have embraced the chaos, accepted that i must go through to go forward and get out, that God has a plan, even in this overwhelming pressing darkness, and i know that i am only being realistic. How can one survive without God? When His face and voice and touch and love are hidden? How does one push past the overwhelming fear and continue to reach out to Him when all hope is lost? i cannot reach Him, He must reach me, how do i keep reaching? i cannot find my way out when i did not come here myself, i was dropped here, blindfolded, and all is alien. There is no door, there is no window, i am caged.
And then sometimes i realize that i must be held in the palm of His hand like in Isaiah, held so tightly that an imprint is left. But i do not feel Him, i am not always so optimistic. What must He be shielding me from?...
i went to church last week for probably the first time since i started working full time. i chose to go to Canyon View again because i don't know where else to go, what time services start at other churches, etc. The first two songs i did not know but was appalled by how no one seemed to be singing them while i was trying to sing along. The music was not as good as usual: i don't like how there doesn't seem to be a predominant melody on stage, everyone is singing harmony or a descant. But it actually felt good to be back in church, and i think i know why.
i have been extremely let down by my recent church-going experiences. Music is definitely an important part of the experience, but more importantly to me i have expected to be fed by a message from the Word. Though the pastor at my parents' church harps on and on about the Word of God being infallible, all-important, he does not practice what he preaches. He takes his sermons from other ministers, not even taking the time to verify that what they teach is even Scripturally sound. There was one week where he said that Jesus' feet being annointed was the same time as his head being annointed (in events leading up to the crucifixion) when upon five minutes of searching it is clear that in one gospel that one happens directly before Palm Sunday, the other event just after Palm Sunday. Even further, i was finding it exceedingly depressing to go to church or read my Bible when nearly everything that i was hearing screamed out to me within: "Yes, i've done this, i know this, i've always persevered to follow this, so why is my life so horrible instead of the way He promises?"
And this week i realized... i've been looking for a church where i can get the most out of the experience. My entire life i've been part of the 10% that does 90% of the work, since before anyone (save maybe my parents) thought i was old enough to give at all, and i'm tired. i never really understood why it bothered me so much, but i've seen this same attitude for years in the lives of senior citizens and always felt betrayed by their presumption that they should not have to do any work any more, and how they always complained about it. And then i see this same pattern in me, i've burned out after only twenty-some years, how long did they serve? i feel ashamed. And i realized that usually i am refilled by serving at AWANA because i go expecting to give, not receive.
So on Sunday i did not go expecting to receive, but to give. To give what? All that i feel i can give right now, worship, and faith, and hope, and devotion. Those are all very hard for me now, are all sacrifices. i guess they always were, but they always felt easy before, and now i have this nagging voice screaming at me: "God always takes away your dreams, the things that bring you joy, and He always will..." That's what i'm so afraid of. None of my dreams have ever come to fruition, they're always torn apart, corrupted, taken away unfulfilled. i'm so scared that i'll never fall in love, get married, have children, write anything publishable, work in the film industry, do anything to justify my existence and the pain on the path i embraced. How do i keep trusting God with this overwhelming fear? i gave Him everything, only to have my heart broken, how do i continue to give Him everything? How do i continue to trust Him with abandon? i have for so long, and i'm still waiting, i'm still wondering how i got through the past seven+ years and still have not learned patience. i need patience. But i'm still too impatient to develop it.
i want to be delivered now, that's what i've always wanted. i never thought it would hurt too much for the end to justify what i've been through to get there, but now i'm not so sure. And the question i have to ask myself is can i forgive God, love God, serve God, even if He doesn't fulfill His promises? i don't know how to live apart from Him, let alone turn my back on Him, but how am i supposed to say "yes, Lord, yes, Lord, yes yes, Lord, amen," when it hurts so much?
People act like i am depressed, that i should cheer up, but that's not how i feel. i have embraced the chaos, accepted that i must go through to go forward and get out, that God has a plan, even in this overwhelming pressing darkness, and i know that i am only being realistic. How can one survive without God? When His face and voice and touch and love are hidden? How does one push past the overwhelming fear and continue to reach out to Him when all hope is lost? i cannot reach Him, He must reach me, how do i keep reaching? i cannot find my way out when i did not come here myself, i was dropped here, blindfolded, and all is alien. There is no door, there is no window, i am caged.
And then sometimes i realize that i must be held in the palm of His hand like in Isaiah, held so tightly that an imprint is left. But i do not feel Him, i am not always so optimistic. What must He be shielding me from?...
Saturday, March 17, 2007
stuck in my head
Lord, grant that i may seek
rather to comfort than to be comforted
it is forgiving that one is forgiven
Lord, guide us
rather to love than to be loved
and it is by dying one awakens to eternal life
if you give love you will receive love
and it is by dying one awakens to eternal life
Lord, guide us
~ from Peacemaker as sung by Maire Brennan
This was originally written by St. Francis of Assisi as a prayer in French and is translated as:
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
rather to comfort than to be comforted
it is forgiving that one is forgiven
Lord, guide us
rather to love than to be loved
and it is by dying one awakens to eternal life
if you give love you will receive love
and it is by dying one awakens to eternal life
Lord, guide us
~ from Peacemaker as sung by Maire Brennan
This was originally written by St. Francis of Assisi as a prayer in French and is translated as:
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
i am a virgin, part 2
Since someone or someones who are reading are so curious, Dad has never abused me sexually, he simply does not understand what the proper way to show affection is. When i was twelve or thirteen he wanted to wrestle me on the front lawn after church (while i'm in a dress). Whenever he washes his hands he wants to wipe them on one of us instead of using a towel. While driving with me riding shotgun he wants to put his hand on my leg or thigh, which sounds wrong, and feels uncomfortable to me, but i know that he is only showing fatherly affection in the only way he knows how, and believe me, it is better than the alternative: when i was a kid he would show me his buggers and threaten to wipe them on me just to get reaction. He's a big kid in so many ways. He still wants to tickle me, still wants to kiss me on the lips in his slobbery way, and will not change no matter how many times i express my discomfort or annoyance. So i try to just let him do it because i know he's just trying to make me feel loved.
My real issues with Dad are his anger. i spent my entire childhood in fear because i never knew when or why he would get mad. i would try so hard to please him, to follow his rules, to be who he wanted me to be, and it was never enough. His anger paralyzes me. He would tell me not to cry or he would give me something to cry about. And then he would forget his anger and never think of it again. i do not think he knows how much he has hurt me in the past because he does not remember what he does when he's angry. And everything in my life has been affected by my relationship with him.
i am so grateful that God impressed upon me the need to save myself for marriage. Sometimes i get mad at Him because He has never let me get close to anyone, to any guy, and so i've never even had a chance to go too far. Being a virgin is easy when there is no one to be tempted to have sex with. And i am mad at God because i am still alone and yet i am still so grateful to Him because i know that if i weren't a Christian than i would have wasted my virginity trying to fill the hole left in my soul because my father has anger issues and i spent my childhood in fear and he still doesn't know how to express his love in a healthy way. i am so glad that i never made that mistake.
But at the same time i am emotionally stinted. i've had to relearn how to cry. i've had to struggle to allow/empower myself to free myself from other's flawed expectations of me and still struggle to siphon the good expectations from the harmful ones. None of this is clear cut. People, loved ones, family, hurt me all the time. How do i remain open without getting hurt or angry? How do i tell them to stuff it when they're unwittingly trying to destroy my life and who i am? How do i tell myself to stuff it when i know i am only being selfish and in some instances i should deny myself and serve instead?
This past week has been very hard for me. i've fluctuated between hope and despair. Yesterday i did something for Mom, Grandma, and Grandad, and as a result only got three or four hours of sleep. After i got off of work i wanted to do something for me, but also to please Dad, but i couldn't, i couldn't stretch that far, so i went home and slept all day instead. i am only one person, and i want to help others, but i feel like sometimes i suffer as a result. i don't want to be selfish or angry about helping others, but it's hard when i'm sleep deprived and in physical pain and feel like no one is looking out for me except for me.
People hurt me all the time and they don't even realize it, mean it, care that they've done it. It's so hard to forgive them over and over again when they never say "i'm sorry" or "good job" or "i love you," and the rare times that they do i feel as if they aren't being genuine because those words are so foreign to me that they can't possibly be real. i feel like i'm constantly screaming for attention and help but no one pays any attention and i don't know how anyone could help me. i feel like i'm drowning and can't swim any farther. i feel like i've been hanging onto a rope and can't let go but can't hold on any longer because i'm so tired and my hands are torn apart. i feel like i'm continually falling through an abyss. i feel like i am locked in a cage in the dark, cut off from the rest of the world and insulated from all light, all hope, except the few beams of light that sometimes break through. But i cannot hold onto light.
i don't feel like i am depressed, simply overwhelmed and alone. My life is flashing before my eyes as i'm living it, everything is going way too fast, and i feel frozen in time, helpless to change anything. i've never thought that i controled my own fate, i don't believe in fate, i believe in destiny and the God who created that destiny and will guide me to it if i let Him. i want to get married and have children so very much but i don't know if i'm ready. If my life feels so out of control now, how much more will it feel like that when i'm the one responsible for caring for my children? And what must it be like to share that responsibility with someone else that i haven't even met, who i do not know? It blows my mind. A couple hundred years ago i'd be an old maid with over half her life spent. In this century i am an emotionally unstable girl who hasn't finished growing up because of her childhood and because she's never been in love and cannot really interact with the world or form healthy friendships.
There is so much that i want to say, to tell the world, but it feels like no one ever listens to me. It feels like no one ever reads what i have written. It feels like no one wants to hear the truth and i will hurt others if i say it. It's ironic that i struggle between not wanting to hurt people who hurt me all the time and not caring one whit because i simply want to tell the truth because i'm sick of it being stuck inside, screaming to get out. i'm tired of being angry about people's lack of consideration and blatant stupidity and self-destruction. i want to encourage and help people when i can't even help myself and any encouragement i recieve is few and far between.
i'm struggling to digest so many things that i don't think that the average person is aware of. And i don't know if anyone can even understand what i'm going through, i've been trying to find someone, anyone, and i've never been successful. Something in me, that i can't even identify, sets me apart, even from other Christians, from family. i feel things deeply, see things that are hidden, struggle against forces that the rest of the world ignores. People try to get me to shut up but writing frees me from the darkness, from the Legion that wants my destiny to never be fulfilled. i cannot back down or turn away, i must keep on fighting, keep holding on, stand on the edge of failing forever. i cannot let that happen. i must still believe God, no matter what it costs me.
Does anyone out there understand? It's hard for me to put into words. It's hard for me to believe that anyone cares. It's hard for me to understand, let alone share. i am still struggling to serve God, no matter what He asks me to give up or become or rethink or forgive.
My real issues with Dad are his anger. i spent my entire childhood in fear because i never knew when or why he would get mad. i would try so hard to please him, to follow his rules, to be who he wanted me to be, and it was never enough. His anger paralyzes me. He would tell me not to cry or he would give me something to cry about. And then he would forget his anger and never think of it again. i do not think he knows how much he has hurt me in the past because he does not remember what he does when he's angry. And everything in my life has been affected by my relationship with him.
i am so grateful that God impressed upon me the need to save myself for marriage. Sometimes i get mad at Him because He has never let me get close to anyone, to any guy, and so i've never even had a chance to go too far. Being a virgin is easy when there is no one to be tempted to have sex with. And i am mad at God because i am still alone and yet i am still so grateful to Him because i know that if i weren't a Christian than i would have wasted my virginity trying to fill the hole left in my soul because my father has anger issues and i spent my childhood in fear and he still doesn't know how to express his love in a healthy way. i am so glad that i never made that mistake.
But at the same time i am emotionally stinted. i've had to relearn how to cry. i've had to struggle to allow/empower myself to free myself from other's flawed expectations of me and still struggle to siphon the good expectations from the harmful ones. None of this is clear cut. People, loved ones, family, hurt me all the time. How do i remain open without getting hurt or angry? How do i tell them to stuff it when they're unwittingly trying to destroy my life and who i am? How do i tell myself to stuff it when i know i am only being selfish and in some instances i should deny myself and serve instead?
This past week has been very hard for me. i've fluctuated between hope and despair. Yesterday i did something for Mom, Grandma, and Grandad, and as a result only got three or four hours of sleep. After i got off of work i wanted to do something for me, but also to please Dad, but i couldn't, i couldn't stretch that far, so i went home and slept all day instead. i am only one person, and i want to help others, but i feel like sometimes i suffer as a result. i don't want to be selfish or angry about helping others, but it's hard when i'm sleep deprived and in physical pain and feel like no one is looking out for me except for me.
People hurt me all the time and they don't even realize it, mean it, care that they've done it. It's so hard to forgive them over and over again when they never say "i'm sorry" or "good job" or "i love you," and the rare times that they do i feel as if they aren't being genuine because those words are so foreign to me that they can't possibly be real. i feel like i'm constantly screaming for attention and help but no one pays any attention and i don't know how anyone could help me. i feel like i'm drowning and can't swim any farther. i feel like i've been hanging onto a rope and can't let go but can't hold on any longer because i'm so tired and my hands are torn apart. i feel like i'm continually falling through an abyss. i feel like i am locked in a cage in the dark, cut off from the rest of the world and insulated from all light, all hope, except the few beams of light that sometimes break through. But i cannot hold onto light.
i don't feel like i am depressed, simply overwhelmed and alone. My life is flashing before my eyes as i'm living it, everything is going way too fast, and i feel frozen in time, helpless to change anything. i've never thought that i controled my own fate, i don't believe in fate, i believe in destiny and the God who created that destiny and will guide me to it if i let Him. i want to get married and have children so very much but i don't know if i'm ready. If my life feels so out of control now, how much more will it feel like that when i'm the one responsible for caring for my children? And what must it be like to share that responsibility with someone else that i haven't even met, who i do not know? It blows my mind. A couple hundred years ago i'd be an old maid with over half her life spent. In this century i am an emotionally unstable girl who hasn't finished growing up because of her childhood and because she's never been in love and cannot really interact with the world or form healthy friendships.
There is so much that i want to say, to tell the world, but it feels like no one ever listens to me. It feels like no one ever reads what i have written. It feels like no one wants to hear the truth and i will hurt others if i say it. It's ironic that i struggle between not wanting to hurt people who hurt me all the time and not caring one whit because i simply want to tell the truth because i'm sick of it being stuck inside, screaming to get out. i'm tired of being angry about people's lack of consideration and blatant stupidity and self-destruction. i want to encourage and help people when i can't even help myself and any encouragement i recieve is few and far between.
i'm struggling to digest so many things that i don't think that the average person is aware of. And i don't know if anyone can even understand what i'm going through, i've been trying to find someone, anyone, and i've never been successful. Something in me, that i can't even identify, sets me apart, even from other Christians, from family. i feel things deeply, see things that are hidden, struggle against forces that the rest of the world ignores. People try to get me to shut up but writing frees me from the darkness, from the Legion that wants my destiny to never be fulfilled. i cannot back down or turn away, i must keep on fighting, keep holding on, stand on the edge of failing forever. i cannot let that happen. i must still believe God, no matter what it costs me.
Does anyone out there understand? It's hard for me to put into words. It's hard for me to believe that anyone cares. It's hard for me to understand, let alone share. i am still struggling to serve God, no matter what He asks me to give up or become or rethink or forgive.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
shortest personality test...
i had taken this before, but couldn't choose which of two photos to use, and neither seemed to fit me. But i found this on my Mom's blog, and i took again, this time with a totally new choice i believe. This time it kinda fits...
| Your Personality Profile |
 You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong. |
Truth, Integrity, Love, Hope, Life
Today (or, rather, yesterday now) Glenn Beck was talking about honesty and integrity, which according to a new poll is the first thing voters look for in a candidate. He talked about when he came to a point in his life (during his mid-30's, i believe he said) in which he began to ask himself what contribution he had made to society. Then he points out Paris Hilton and Nicholle Richie and asked what contribution they have made... which in his opinion (and mine) is none at all.
i'd never been able to put my finger on this before, the way he said it. His arguement is that honesty and integrity are no longer held in high regard and it's true: this has plagued me my entire adult life. People are no longer rewarded for honesty, they're rewarded for taking credit for other's work. People no longer have integrity, they delight in living for the weekend, the party, the sex, the booze, the drugs. i am such a weirdo because i am honest, i do have integrity, and it constantly gets me into trouble. It gets President W into trouble, makes him hated by the world, but it's why i voted for him twice. This is why i love the movie V for Vendetta but could never explain it: some part of it elluded me. It wasn't only about freedom, it was about honesty and integrity, just as Val said, but i never could put it into words like Beck did... Beck the Mormon. Val the lesbian. V the terrorist. Evi the coward.
i'm so unhappy with my life. This week is spring break, and it almost feels normal, bearable. Trying to work all night, go to school the next day, and find time to sleep--let alone do my homework--it's not working. i'm overwhelmed, i'm so guilty because my schoolwork is suffering, but i don't know how to find the strength to do this. My schoolwork is boring, except for one class. i've already missed class so much this semester that i must attend ever single class in order to get an A in them (assuming that i get A's on all of my work). American Lit is totally uninspiring, the teacher in Geography puts me to sleep, Grammar is boring, and British Lit, the last class of the day, the one i have the least strength left over for, is my favorite. i always feel trapped like this by the time finals come around, but the entire semester? That's a new low, even for me.
i wish i wasn't in a dead end job. i wish i could follow my heart and pursue my dreams. Right now i really want to move to Orlando to attend Full Sail, but what if i get there and can't pay for it or can't keep up with the workload. i wouldn't be able to work, how could i get the money? Should i be going to school anymore at all, working towards a career? But what if i'm single for the rest of my life, would i be happy where i am now? No, i know the answer is no. How do i wait for a future that may never happen, hasn't happened in the past seven years, without feeling like i'm letting God down, sinning? Shouldn't i at least attempt to become a screenwriter, producer, director? i've gotten my liberal arts education here, now all i need is a major to specialize in, would it be a waste of money for me to change schools now? But i wouldn't have heard of Full Sail if it weren't for me being in the Art building every day last semester and i wouldn't actually be thinking about going if i hadn't had to take that flight in order to go to APFD's wedding.
Moving to Florida would take a leap of faith. i don't have the money if financial aid doesn't cover it, i'd have to find an apartment because they don't have dorms, i probably wouldn't be able to have a job because of their unusual class schedules... But i would be able to earn a Bacherlor of Science in two years time, would be learning at a pace that sounds perfect for me, would be working in the field that all my career dreams are hung on. i don't know how to talk about this with my parents, have no friends to ask, have family obligations that i'm not free from... And there's always a question of when i would go. May, July, August? Probably be better to work over the summer and go later, but i want to go as soon as possible.
i'm ready now, have been ready for what feels like so long, but if i'm to do this i have to get through the semester, and right now i don't know how to do that. How do i hold on? That's always the question for me, how to hold on. My hands are bloody and sting from wiping away my salty tears, but still i put on a smile and keep on trying. And now i sound depressed and self damaging or something, but i'm not, i'm just overwhelmed and still afraid of the dark. But i'm becoming numb to it all, which may be scariest of all... for the dark to become normal, the light no longer yearned for, believed in. i believe in God but i don't expect Him to rescue me. And then He sends me a song from my friend Amber, and still i don't believe it. Why would he leave the 99 for me when He hasn't already, after all this time?
i was talking to Him earlier tonight, singing the Kry's Take My Hand, asking Him for the hundredth time how i'm supposed to take a step towards Him when i can't see Him, how i'm supposed to take His hand when i never let go and can't find it in the dark. Is Full Sail what He wants for me or what i hope He wants for me? i don't know anymore. i was reading Dagger last night, updating it for the first time in three years, and the words still felt true, still felt powerful, and i don't have the faith to believe like that anymore. i've fallen so far, into this abyss, in this cage.
i still don't know what to do. If i can, i think i'll move to Orlando and go to school. If i can't, i might as well drop out and try to figure out what story i should be writing to get out of this job, to support myself. i have no stories anymore, why can't i write anymore? i think it's because i don't believe Him anymore, but then, i don't hear His voice. i miss the whisper so badly. Somehow, i must find the strength to get through this, but i still contend that i'm not strong enough on my own.
Friday night i started singing Nichole Nordeman's Oh Great God, it just popped into my head out of the blue, and i got mad at Him for a second. She won a contest to make her first CD and her lyrics don't reveal that she has understanding of the truth that i have known for over a decade... She sings, "There have been moments where I could not face Goliath on my own," when the reality is that we can never face Goliaths on our own. In To Know You she sings, "It might be easier to dream ~ but dreaming's not for me," how dare she! It's not easy to dream, it's never been easy to dream, and yet He asks us to. How do i continue to dream after all i have been through, how do i continue to take His hand and walk? i don't know if i really can anymore, and i'm so mad at myself for letting Him down like that, for giving up on Him. How dare i??? How dare i give up on my faith? But i don't know how to believe anymore, after all i've seen. i have walked my faith and talked my faith and been a fool for my faith and all for nothing. Do i take Him at His word again, believe that He will provide for me in Florida, the state i have never wanted to live in? It was one of my "Never"s, perhaps this truly is His will.
i'm trying to read my Bible again, i finally got through Numbers, it was so hard and i was beginning to think i never would. i made a stupid deal with Him that if i finished reading my Bible then He would have to make me an actress. i still haven't finished my Bible; i have about twelve books left. Maybe i should put my nose back to the stone. At least it's not depressing anymore.
i'd never been able to put my finger on this before, the way he said it. His arguement is that honesty and integrity are no longer held in high regard and it's true: this has plagued me my entire adult life. People are no longer rewarded for honesty, they're rewarded for taking credit for other's work. People no longer have integrity, they delight in living for the weekend, the party, the sex, the booze, the drugs. i am such a weirdo because i am honest, i do have integrity, and it constantly gets me into trouble. It gets President W into trouble, makes him hated by the world, but it's why i voted for him twice. This is why i love the movie V for Vendetta but could never explain it: some part of it elluded me. It wasn't only about freedom, it was about honesty and integrity, just as Val said, but i never could put it into words like Beck did... Beck the Mormon. Val the lesbian. V the terrorist. Evi the coward.
i'm so unhappy with my life. This week is spring break, and it almost feels normal, bearable. Trying to work all night, go to school the next day, and find time to sleep--let alone do my homework--it's not working. i'm overwhelmed, i'm so guilty because my schoolwork is suffering, but i don't know how to find the strength to do this. My schoolwork is boring, except for one class. i've already missed class so much this semester that i must attend ever single class in order to get an A in them (assuming that i get A's on all of my work). American Lit is totally uninspiring, the teacher in Geography puts me to sleep, Grammar is boring, and British Lit, the last class of the day, the one i have the least strength left over for, is my favorite. i always feel trapped like this by the time finals come around, but the entire semester? That's a new low, even for me.
i wish i wasn't in a dead end job. i wish i could follow my heart and pursue my dreams. Right now i really want to move to Orlando to attend Full Sail, but what if i get there and can't pay for it or can't keep up with the workload. i wouldn't be able to work, how could i get the money? Should i be going to school anymore at all, working towards a career? But what if i'm single for the rest of my life, would i be happy where i am now? No, i know the answer is no. How do i wait for a future that may never happen, hasn't happened in the past seven years, without feeling like i'm letting God down, sinning? Shouldn't i at least attempt to become a screenwriter, producer, director? i've gotten my liberal arts education here, now all i need is a major to specialize in, would it be a waste of money for me to change schools now? But i wouldn't have heard of Full Sail if it weren't for me being in the Art building every day last semester and i wouldn't actually be thinking about going if i hadn't had to take that flight in order to go to APFD's wedding.
Moving to Florida would take a leap of faith. i don't have the money if financial aid doesn't cover it, i'd have to find an apartment because they don't have dorms, i probably wouldn't be able to have a job because of their unusual class schedules... But i would be able to earn a Bacherlor of Science in two years time, would be learning at a pace that sounds perfect for me, would be working in the field that all my career dreams are hung on. i don't know how to talk about this with my parents, have no friends to ask, have family obligations that i'm not free from... And there's always a question of when i would go. May, July, August? Probably be better to work over the summer and go later, but i want to go as soon as possible.
i'm ready now, have been ready for what feels like so long, but if i'm to do this i have to get through the semester, and right now i don't know how to do that. How do i hold on? That's always the question for me, how to hold on. My hands are bloody and sting from wiping away my salty tears, but still i put on a smile and keep on trying. And now i sound depressed and self damaging or something, but i'm not, i'm just overwhelmed and still afraid of the dark. But i'm becoming numb to it all, which may be scariest of all... for the dark to become normal, the light no longer yearned for, believed in. i believe in God but i don't expect Him to rescue me. And then He sends me a song from my friend Amber, and still i don't believe it. Why would he leave the 99 for me when He hasn't already, after all this time?
i was talking to Him earlier tonight, singing the Kry's Take My Hand, asking Him for the hundredth time how i'm supposed to take a step towards Him when i can't see Him, how i'm supposed to take His hand when i never let go and can't find it in the dark. Is Full Sail what He wants for me or what i hope He wants for me? i don't know anymore. i was reading Dagger last night, updating it for the first time in three years, and the words still felt true, still felt powerful, and i don't have the faith to believe like that anymore. i've fallen so far, into this abyss, in this cage.
i still don't know what to do. If i can, i think i'll move to Orlando and go to school. If i can't, i might as well drop out and try to figure out what story i should be writing to get out of this job, to support myself. i have no stories anymore, why can't i write anymore? i think it's because i don't believe Him anymore, but then, i don't hear His voice. i miss the whisper so badly. Somehow, i must find the strength to get through this, but i still contend that i'm not strong enough on my own.
Friday night i started singing Nichole Nordeman's Oh Great God, it just popped into my head out of the blue, and i got mad at Him for a second. She won a contest to make her first CD and her lyrics don't reveal that she has understanding of the truth that i have known for over a decade... She sings, "There have been moments where I could not face Goliath on my own," when the reality is that we can never face Goliaths on our own. In To Know You she sings, "It might be easier to dream ~ but dreaming's not for me," how dare she! It's not easy to dream, it's never been easy to dream, and yet He asks us to. How do i continue to dream after all i have been through, how do i continue to take His hand and walk? i don't know if i really can anymore, and i'm so mad at myself for letting Him down like that, for giving up on Him. How dare i??? How dare i give up on my faith? But i don't know how to believe anymore, after all i've seen. i have walked my faith and talked my faith and been a fool for my faith and all for nothing. Do i take Him at His word again, believe that He will provide for me in Florida, the state i have never wanted to live in? It was one of my "Never"s, perhaps this truly is His will.
i'm trying to read my Bible again, i finally got through Numbers, it was so hard and i was beginning to think i never would. i made a stupid deal with Him that if i finished reading my Bible then He would have to make me an actress. i still haven't finished my Bible; i have about twelve books left. Maybe i should put my nose back to the stone. At least it's not depressing anymore.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
i am a virgin
Yes, you read correctly, i am a twenty-five year old virgin, and i don't think there's anything wrong with it. i'm proud of it. And yet i wish that i weren't anymore: it's not that i want to have lost it in some one-night-stand, or had a dating relationship or crush that i would have realistically dreamed of letting get that far, i just assumed that i'd be married and be having kids by now. Never in my wildest dreams would i have suspected that i would a virgin at the age of twenty-five.
On Nightline a few nights ago was a story Teen Girls 'Date' Dad, Pledge Purity. i didn't watch it, but a coworker said that it was sick (as in unhealthy for people to save themselves, i think). The girls at the ball... most of them looked to be about twelve to fourteen years old to me. Upon reading the article it seems that experts are complaining because these girls aren't being educated about safe sex. They think that 88% of the teens will break their promises.
Upon looking up the word virgin at Yahoo Groups i did not find a single support group for virgins in the top 100 search results: most of the groups were for catholics or witches. So i looked up "virgin message board" and "virgin support group" on Google and once again found nothing: the top search results are always for Virgin Media in one form or another.
There was one message board thread where a twenty-five year old man said that he's a virgin and can't get women to pay attention to him. Most women said that was okay, most men said derogatory things and "hire a hooker," but one twenty-year-old guy said he was a virgin and had turned down women in the past and his girlfriends always respected him for that.
Virginity at Wikipedia linked to the Virgin Files, a fairly new blog written by a twenty-eight-year-old virgin, which is heavily populated with sex terminology and themes. Even though she is purportedly a virgin her mindset doesn't seem to be that she's trying to stay pure... i learned things there that i never wanted to know. She has quite a few comments considering how new her blog is.
It recently occurred to me (sometime within the past month) that i cannot be considered a prude imvho because no one has ever asked me out, dated me, kissed me, made a move, propositioned me, etc. i am not overly modest... i don't like showing my cleavage off but if i weighed about eight-five pounds less i do not think i'd have any inhibitions about showing a little tummy or wearing a bikini. i am simply not a flirt; i've tried letting guys know that i'm interested but without fail they are unavailable or uninterested. In an ideal situation i want the guy to be the initiator (which has been expounded upon to the point of boredom in this blog, i am sure). There was one guy who asked for my number one time (who was very fat) but upon calling me (once) he wanted to consider us to be going steady without even asking me on a date (once).
As to the question of sex drive... yes, i definitely have one. Looking at cute guys has turned me on from time to time, and in every case they were fully clothed, showing their chest at the most, or perhaps wearing a bathing suit. Lately i've found myself getting worked up over practically nothing, and i have no outlet for my passion. i have committed myself to not having any form of penetration (other than a tampon) until i'm married, so i don't get much satisfaction in bed. i don't look at photos of nude guys, or porn, and i try not to imagine being in bed with any real guy at all... which i must admit sometimes is very hard as my mind can have the tendency to run away on me.
But i have never wanted to be with a man outside the confines of a marriage relationship. After i get married i imagine that i'll be more adventurous in bed than some but not as adventerous as others. i happen to think that my sex drive is healthy and high, which can be very frustrating. i've never been kissed, held hands, let alone had an orgasm. The guy who's gotten farthest with me is my father (who for some reason doesn't know what the appropriate level of fatherly affection is). What upsets me the most is that i'm alone. i'm glad that i'm a virgin, there's no one in my past that i would have wanted to lose it to anyway, but i'm unhappy being single. i don't think i'm ugly, or unpleasant to be around, or clingy. i know i have my issues, but i'd like to think that i'm very low maintenance. It takes a lot to wound me to the point where i won't forgive you: all i ask for is a simple "i'm sorry."
i know i have my issues, i know i'm not perfect, but why am i alone when so many people out there aren't? Is it too much to ask for just one guy to spend the rest of my life with? i don't have to have kids right away, i just want a man to share the journey with, to be a helpmeet to. My mom always despairs that her daughters want to have a career but the truth is that i don't really want one, but if i never get married i have to support myself somehow and i certainly do not want to spend the rest of my life as a sub wrapper, or pizza deliverer, or MCO. My dream is to make an impact in the world, certainly, but i would be happy to simply be the mother or wife of the next Abraham Lincoln, or Martin Luther King Jr., or Billy Graham. i don't have to have a career, but i have a feeling that i will always be unhappy if i never fall in love, get married, and make kids.
On Nightline a few nights ago was a story Teen Girls 'Date' Dad, Pledge Purity. i didn't watch it, but a coworker said that it was sick (as in unhealthy for people to save themselves, i think). The girls at the ball... most of them looked to be about twelve to fourteen years old to me. Upon reading the article it seems that experts are complaining because these girls aren't being educated about safe sex. They think that 88% of the teens will break their promises.
Upon looking up the word virgin at Yahoo Groups i did not find a single support group for virgins in the top 100 search results: most of the groups were for catholics or witches. So i looked up "virgin message board" and "virgin support group" on Google and once again found nothing: the top search results are always for Virgin Media in one form or another.
There was one message board thread where a twenty-five year old man said that he's a virgin and can't get women to pay attention to him. Most women said that was okay, most men said derogatory things and "hire a hooker," but one twenty-year-old guy said he was a virgin and had turned down women in the past and his girlfriends always respected him for that.
Virginity at Wikipedia linked to the Virgin Files, a fairly new blog written by a twenty-eight-year-old virgin, which is heavily populated with sex terminology and themes. Even though she is purportedly a virgin her mindset doesn't seem to be that she's trying to stay pure... i learned things there that i never wanted to know. She has quite a few comments considering how new her blog is.
It recently occurred to me (sometime within the past month) that i cannot be considered a prude imvho because no one has ever asked me out, dated me, kissed me, made a move, propositioned me, etc. i am not overly modest... i don't like showing my cleavage off but if i weighed about eight-five pounds less i do not think i'd have any inhibitions about showing a little tummy or wearing a bikini. i am simply not a flirt; i've tried letting guys know that i'm interested but without fail they are unavailable or uninterested. In an ideal situation i want the guy to be the initiator (which has been expounded upon to the point of boredom in this blog, i am sure). There was one guy who asked for my number one time (who was very fat) but upon calling me (once) he wanted to consider us to be going steady without even asking me on a date (once).
As to the question of sex drive... yes, i definitely have one. Looking at cute guys has turned me on from time to time, and in every case they were fully clothed, showing their chest at the most, or perhaps wearing a bathing suit. Lately i've found myself getting worked up over practically nothing, and i have no outlet for my passion. i have committed myself to not having any form of penetration (other than a tampon) until i'm married, so i don't get much satisfaction in bed. i don't look at photos of nude guys, or porn, and i try not to imagine being in bed with any real guy at all... which i must admit sometimes is very hard as my mind can have the tendency to run away on me.
But i have never wanted to be with a man outside the confines of a marriage relationship. After i get married i imagine that i'll be more adventurous in bed than some but not as adventerous as others. i happen to think that my sex drive is healthy and high, which can be very frustrating. i've never been kissed, held hands, let alone had an orgasm. The guy who's gotten farthest with me is my father (who for some reason doesn't know what the appropriate level of fatherly affection is). What upsets me the most is that i'm alone. i'm glad that i'm a virgin, there's no one in my past that i would have wanted to lose it to anyway, but i'm unhappy being single. i don't think i'm ugly, or unpleasant to be around, or clingy. i know i have my issues, but i'd like to think that i'm very low maintenance. It takes a lot to wound me to the point where i won't forgive you: all i ask for is a simple "i'm sorry."
i know i have my issues, i know i'm not perfect, but why am i alone when so many people out there aren't? Is it too much to ask for just one guy to spend the rest of my life with? i don't have to have kids right away, i just want a man to share the journey with, to be a helpmeet to. My mom always despairs that her daughters want to have a career but the truth is that i don't really want one, but if i never get married i have to support myself somehow and i certainly do not want to spend the rest of my life as a sub wrapper, or pizza deliverer, or MCO. My dream is to make an impact in the world, certainly, but i would be happy to simply be the mother or wife of the next Abraham Lincoln, or Martin Luther King Jr., or Billy Graham. i don't have to have a career, but i have a feeling that i will always be unhappy if i never fall in love, get married, and make kids.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
vacation and musings
Last week was such a roller coaster for me. i don't know why, but for some reason it seemed very important to me to be able to go to Aunt Polly's wedding in California. i couldn't get time off work and i couldn't find a cheap flight that allowed for my scheduling needs, so i thought i wouldn't be able to go. i cried so hard. And then i went to work and at the last minute found a cheap flight online, for $260, as opposed to the $800-1200 flights i had found previously. i had to borrow my Grandma's credit card because they wouldn't take my debit card, and i had to drive to Denver, but i made it to the wedding.
The whole time in California i felt as if a weight had been lifted off me. i saw how far i was from where i want my life to be but i felt at peace. As soon as i got back to Grand Junction i felt the weight of the world again, but for one weekend it was bliss. i barely made it to work that night due to snow, and i still have to make up a test at college, but it was so worth it. Everything doesn't seem so impossible anymore.
i don't think i can stay in Grand Junction anymore. i don't feel like i truly belong at Mesa State or at KJ. It's not that i dislike my job, but school is boring me again, and i'm not really working towards the goals that i think God has for me. While waiting to board my flight home a woman in line struck up a conversation with me; when she heard i attended Mesa State she also turned out to be from Grand Junction, wanted to know my major and plans for life, and told me she has a daughter who went to an accelerated film school in Florida that i had heard of before. This entire trip reaffirmed for me how much i want to change my life before it's too late and so i don't end up being unhappy. And when i got back to class my professor who had flipped out about me missing that test wasn't upset anymore: he even told me in passing what i've always believed... all you need to do to learn how to become a good writer is read.
i have been casting about for my place in the world here, aimlessly searching for the place God has for me, and i don't feel at home here. i love my family so much, and i've even come to find beauty in the landscape that surrounds me, but i am not a Coloradan.
i think that the next couple of months will be a transition for me, i believe that God is going to lead me to where He wants me. Right now i am overwhelmed with my workload coupled with school. If i only had one or the other things would be fine, but i don't think that God wants me to be fine here. i think He wants to bless me beyond measure somewhere else. i hope He keeps showing me His will.
The whole time in California i felt as if a weight had been lifted off me. i saw how far i was from where i want my life to be but i felt at peace. As soon as i got back to Grand Junction i felt the weight of the world again, but for one weekend it was bliss. i barely made it to work that night due to snow, and i still have to make up a test at college, but it was so worth it. Everything doesn't seem so impossible anymore.
i don't think i can stay in Grand Junction anymore. i don't feel like i truly belong at Mesa State or at KJ. It's not that i dislike my job, but school is boring me again, and i'm not really working towards the goals that i think God has for me. While waiting to board my flight home a woman in line struck up a conversation with me; when she heard i attended Mesa State she also turned out to be from Grand Junction, wanted to know my major and plans for life, and told me she has a daughter who went to an accelerated film school in Florida that i had heard of before. This entire trip reaffirmed for me how much i want to change my life before it's too late and so i don't end up being unhappy. And when i got back to class my professor who had flipped out about me missing that test wasn't upset anymore: he even told me in passing what i've always believed... all you need to do to learn how to become a good writer is read.
i have been casting about for my place in the world here, aimlessly searching for the place God has for me, and i don't feel at home here. i love my family so much, and i've even come to find beauty in the landscape that surrounds me, but i am not a Coloradan.
i think that the next couple of months will be a transition for me, i believe that God is going to lead me to where He wants me. Right now i am overwhelmed with my workload coupled with school. If i only had one or the other things would be fine, but i don't think that God wants me to be fine here. i think He wants to bless me beyond measure somewhere else. i hope He keeps showing me His will.
HP7 observations
The cover for Order of the Phoenix was released about three months before the book was so... we'll have to wait until about April 21st for the cover of Deathly Hallows. My vote is that the cover will be charcoal grey with red letters.
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