i don't know what to call this blog anymore. i've thought about going back to on fire, or dark fire, or refering to Enya's song Pilgrim, but i don't know what to call it anymore. A lot of thoughts and emotions have been rattling around in my head and heart over the past couple of weeks. For a while i was eager to hear news that my nephew had safely arrived. Then i was debating whether or not to keep attending Mesa State or apply at Full Sail. i've been working six days a week. i keep getting headaches from my allergies. Imus was fired. The shooting at Virginia Tech happened. Everything is unbelievable, i am undone, i am unashamed to say that i am afraid and worried and yet unconcerned and wanting to ignore it all. What am i supposed to say about so much evil and silliness and stress?
i have nothing to say. i have everything to say.
i was supposed to be writing a paper, but i couldn't, so instead i wrote a huge diatribe against high school and higher education in general. i don't know if i should publish it here or not, but it seemed clear to me at the time that i had no business going back to school. i couldn't write a stupid paper, i was exhuasted and sleep deprived and sick, so i stayed home for about a week, sleeping as if i were dead every morning. i worked so hard and felt so much that i couldn't even think of trying to go to school. And by the time that was all over it was really too late to return, i was guaranteed a C at best in all my classes, most of which i was already barely scraping a C, and i just couldn't decide whether or not i should go back to my teachers on my hands or knees or not.
Actually, that isn't quite true. i had decided with my diatribe, but i was miserable, fighting an inward battle, against what i wanted to do and what i should do. i figured out what my gpa would fall to if i got one c and three f's, two c's and two f's, three c's and one f's, so on and on, beyond hope of actual achievement, and realized that i would rather flunk all of my classes than continue the next five unbearable weeks only to achieve c's anyways in subjects that i knew were a waste of my time. i am not at school to get good grades, all though an A is something i always strive to attain, but my purpose in continuing my education is learning, and i have learned more at work and in real life over the past few semesters than i have in class.
Amid all of this i watched the Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions (the latter for only the second or third time ever) and identified strongly with Neo, who kept seeing Trinity falling. The Oracle told him: "We can't see past the choices we don't understand." Then on another tv show (i can't remember which one, which is so odd) one of the older characters said to one of the younger characters that choices are only painful when we've already made up our mind but haven't come to grips with the choice yet. So i finally decided that i should just follow my heart and not go back, was immediately filled with relief, and actually read a book instead of stressing about life. i won't default on my loans or be put on probation. i have next semester to bring my grades back up if that's what i choose. But it was stupid for me to work full time and do school full time at the same time, and i knew it, but i did it anyway. A man cannot serve two masters...
So life has been halfway normal, as normal as it can be when i work graveyards. The news has been ridiculous. Anna Nicole Smith's baby has a father finally. Imus get's fired for exercising his free speech, and he didn't even use any swear words (i'm not saying that he should have said what he did, but he's been saying inflammatory stuff on the air since before i was born). i can see that freedom of speech is going the way of the dinosaur. The shooting at Virginia Tech happens, and i can see that the right to bear arms is going to be next. That's why i'm so scared. i listen to Glenn Beck every morning as i leave work and totally agree with him, so what can i say here that he hasn't said already? This country is a ticking time bomb, and i can't figure out if it's terrorist who have their finger on the trigger, the media, or the politicians.
Does it matter? The world as we know it is still going to end. i can taste it in the water. i can smell it in the air. i can feel it on my skin. And it terrifies me. Is this why i'm single, why i'm not making babies? Woe to the women with child and breastfeeding... But i still want to get married and make lots of babies anyway. It's better to get married than to burn... And i know that i'm not being overdramatic. i know it's going to come because Jesus said it would in Matthew 24. And i don't care if i have to die for my beliefs, even though i've always believed that i will be raptured, it doesn't matter to me if the Tribulation starts tomorrow, or a hundred, or a thousand years from now. All i want to do is serve God in whatever way He wants me to.
And as if all the things in the news weren't enough to freak me out, last week when i was driving to work the moon was gold and then slowly went behind a cloud and it looked really freaky. And then when i got to work i saw a ufo. I'm not saying it was aliens or anything, it may have been ball lightning for all i know, but it was something unidentifiable. There was a blue ball of light that silently flew over my head and into the clouds, and the clouds flashed as if with unseen lightning, and it was gone. It all happened in just a couple of seconds, if i wouldn't have looked up when i did, i would have missed it. The ball moved so fast that i have no idea how big it was, i just know that it couldn't have been a plane or helicopter or satellite or anything i'd ever seen up close before.
So, now that everyone probably thinks that i'm certificable, that's what's going on with me. i've applied at Full Sail, i'm trying to save money, pay bills, live life. i don't know if i'll be moving to Florida come fall, but if i do i'll be closer to Megan (it's about a 4 1/2 hour drive according to Google). i'll miss my family of course. i'll be doing what i've dreamed about for so long. But it's up to God. All of it is.
