VOMIT to the Nth Degree

i hate my life. Most people, they just do whatever the hell they want, say what's on their mind, and move on. i don't get that luxury. i keep giving and giving, and wonder why i can't give more, any better. i keep my mouth shut, i just roll with the punches. And then eventually everything builds up. All the nasty things that i've been holding inside, the things people have done to hurt me, it becomes infected and just explodes, like a blister, or something infected, or vomit. i cannot deal with things in a healthy way. i keep letting people walk on me, and keep putting others first, and keep getting emotionally raped, and if i say anything at all, everyone tells me to shut up, so what do i do? i can't shut up. It explodes. It HAS to come out. So it does. And i know it's ugly, but i don't care anymore. i don't care in the slightest. Because my anger feels righteous, because it overwhelms me, because i am just so sick of the entire universe dissing me when i am trying so hard to be selfless and loving. And it's always the same cycle. Kristi puts on her happy face, acts like everything is okay, keeps giving even when she's going out of her mind with the pain and hurt, and then the explosion. But no one cares, no one EVER says they are sorry, or makes up for it, or (God forbid) helps. Kristi hides in a corner in the dark, covered in vomit, and cries her pain out. She wipes off her face and gets back up and the vicous cycle continues. Each and every time i do not know how to keep going, i desperately want to give up, but i don't know how to do that, either. My prayers go nowhere, what is the point in praying? My hopes are dashed, why did i let myself hope? No one answers my questions, no one tells me it's going to be all right, and even if they did i wouldn't believe them, because it's NOT all right. It never has been and i'm afraid it never will be. The dark owns me now. i am caged, i am on my face in the dirt, my hands are raw and blistered and bloody and beyond recognition from holding on.

It doesn't matter. No one notices. Tomorrow it will be the same as every other day in my life, slightly worse than the day before. i'm so sick of acting like everything is okay, of actually hoping that things will be better tomorrow, when they never have been, so why should they ever be?

i have lost nearly all my faith now. i do not have a mustard seed. There is now way to bear it. What does it matter if i get a job or even could have gotten the guy? He apparently doesn't want me any more than God does. i don't want any more promises whispered like prayers, they are all broken, just like my heart. So i will continue to lie in the dirt. i don't know if i can get up tomorrow, try anymore, but i have said that before. Even if i do get up, what is the point? All i do apparently is let people down while allowing them to screw me over, i have done nothing worthy of praise or appreciation, so why keep trying at all? It would only be the beginning of the next vicious cycle.