Thursday, August 16, 2007
babysitting today
what i'm watching ~ Larry-Boy and the Fib from Outer Space
We arrived in Savannah in the wee hours of Sunday morning. Megan slept a few hours, then went to church with Joshua, while Alice and i had a lie in. The last hour of driving Megan was at the wheel and though i was trying to stay awake to talk to her so she could stay awake it was proving impossible. i kept falling asleep mid sentence. After church we went grocery shopping at Wal-Mart (as the fridge was empty) and vegged out for the rest of the day. i went online to see if any of the local tv stations were hiring for a position i could fill, but none in Savannah were.
On Monday Alice had a doctor's appointment and had to wait an extra hour for her shots. It felt like we were there for over four hours, but it was probably closer to three. Next we went to the fabric/craft stores: JoAnn's is hiring seasonal help, but i also picked up aps at Hancock Fabrics and Michaels. We stopped at the mall and i found out which stores are hiring via customer service. By this time we were hungry and tired, so we went home and i spent an hour filling out my applications. i saw that Macaroni Grill was hiring on the list, that they wanted applicants to come in on Wednesday from 2-5, so we decided that we would go job hunting again that day.
On Tuesday Megan went to work and all went well until the final half hour when Joshua got very fussy and i ran out of breast milk. Most of the time he is happy playing or swinging. Alice cries for Megan at first but otherwise is pretty happy as long as i feed her on time and she gets her nap. She likes to watch PBS and VeggieTales and isn't happy when i turn off the tv.
On Wednesday we got a late start, not leaving the house until around noon. Megan picked up her perscription sunglasses and then we headed off to Hancock Fabrics. i talked to the manager for a couple of minutes and it sounds like she would like to hire me in a couple of weeks (she's training someone else at the moment but knows she needs to hire another). At Michaels and JoAnn's it was basically a drop off: i wanted to talk to the manager at JoAnn's but she was too busy. At the Macaroni Grill the hostess told me they were hurting for hosts so if i put that on my ap then i would probably be hired for sure. The only downside i can see to a job at the Macaroni Grill is that employees are supposed to stand 100% of the time they're at work, and that can be exhausting if you don't have the right shoes. We then ventured into the mall, Megan doing some shopping and i picking up applications. i filled out an app at Gymboree and picked up about five or six more, one for a great little place called Torrid (i believe) where there's only plus sizes and its got great clothes (the sizes are 1, 2, etc. for 1X, 2X). i miss working at a mall, i had a blast working at Wherehouse, and didn't get depressed at all, even when Megan said that she doesn't want to go to Charleston this weekend for American Idol auditions. A bummer i guess, but i was never going to hold my breath about it, and what am i going to do without a car or gas money? i need a job, quick!
Today Megan's at work again, and she will be again on Saturday most likely. Joshua was sitting up yesterday (i got pics, but they're not uploaded yet) and today had some rice cereal but is currently fighting zzzzs. He doesn't want the swing at the moment so we're laying on Mommy's/Megan's bed.
Savannah has been so hot (the upper 90's) and very humid so we've only ventured out in it one night, and it was still horrid. i fell off my longboard skateboard for the first time and have been a little sore but no bruises or abrasions. Give me September so the mosquitoes will die, cool weather will ease in, and i'll have cash again.
We arrived in Savannah in the wee hours of Sunday morning. Megan slept a few hours, then went to church with Joshua, while Alice and i had a lie in. The last hour of driving Megan was at the wheel and though i was trying to stay awake to talk to her so she could stay awake it was proving impossible. i kept falling asleep mid sentence. After church we went grocery shopping at Wal-Mart (as the fridge was empty) and vegged out for the rest of the day. i went online to see if any of the local tv stations were hiring for a position i could fill, but none in Savannah were.
On Monday Alice had a doctor's appointment and had to wait an extra hour for her shots. It felt like we were there for over four hours, but it was probably closer to three. Next we went to the fabric/craft stores: JoAnn's is hiring seasonal help, but i also picked up aps at Hancock Fabrics and Michaels. We stopped at the mall and i found out which stores are hiring via customer service. By this time we were hungry and tired, so we went home and i spent an hour filling out my applications. i saw that Macaroni Grill was hiring on the list, that they wanted applicants to come in on Wednesday from 2-5, so we decided that we would go job hunting again that day.
On Tuesday Megan went to work and all went well until the final half hour when Joshua got very fussy and i ran out of breast milk. Most of the time he is happy playing or swinging. Alice cries for Megan at first but otherwise is pretty happy as long as i feed her on time and she gets her nap. She likes to watch PBS and VeggieTales and isn't happy when i turn off the tv.
On Wednesday we got a late start, not leaving the house until around noon. Megan picked up her perscription sunglasses and then we headed off to Hancock Fabrics. i talked to the manager for a couple of minutes and it sounds like she would like to hire me in a couple of weeks (she's training someone else at the moment but knows she needs to hire another). At Michaels and JoAnn's it was basically a drop off: i wanted to talk to the manager at JoAnn's but she was too busy. At the Macaroni Grill the hostess told me they were hurting for hosts so if i put that on my ap then i would probably be hired for sure. The only downside i can see to a job at the Macaroni Grill is that employees are supposed to stand 100% of the time they're at work, and that can be exhausting if you don't have the right shoes. We then ventured into the mall, Megan doing some shopping and i picking up applications. i filled out an app at Gymboree and picked up about five or six more, one for a great little place called Torrid (i believe) where there's only plus sizes and its got great clothes (the sizes are 1, 2, etc. for 1X, 2X). i miss working at a mall, i had a blast working at Wherehouse, and didn't get depressed at all, even when Megan said that she doesn't want to go to Charleston this weekend for American Idol auditions. A bummer i guess, but i was never going to hold my breath about it, and what am i going to do without a car or gas money? i need a job, quick!
Today Megan's at work again, and she will be again on Saturday most likely. Joshua was sitting up yesterday (i got pics, but they're not uploaded yet) and today had some rice cereal but is currently fighting zzzzs. He doesn't want the swing at the moment so we're laying on Mommy's/Megan's bed.
Savannah has been so hot (the upper 90's) and very humid so we've only ventured out in it one night, and it was still horrid. i fell off my longboard skateboard for the first time and have been a little sore but no bruises or abrasions. Give me September so the mosquitoes will die, cool weather will ease in, and i'll have cash again.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
the budding entrepreneur
Well i've certainly had a weird week, between continuing to clean out Hanover House (my grandparents' place), kicking back, and expanding my activities on the internet to business. For the first time ever i've listed items on eBay. At DeviantArt i opened a shop to sell prints and other objects. What i couldn't create at DeviantArt i'm slowly creating at CafePress, where i hope to eventually branch out into t-shirts, bumper stickers, and greeting cards. Oh, and i uploaded some photos to Facebook, but that has nothing to do with money.
Tomorrow morning we should be leaving to return to Savannah, but now i've got to get ready to do so. Oh, but please feel free to visit my shops and purchase some merchandise. (:
prints at DeviantArt
Art Attack at CafePress
Tomorrow morning we should be leaving to return to Savannah, but now i've got to get ready to do so. Oh, but please feel free to visit my shops and purchase some merchandise. (:
prints at DeviantArt
Art Attack at CafePress
Friday, July 20, 2007
Blume and other events
Well i spent a week in Kansas City with mixed happenings but good results. i mainly attended the Blume conference (July 9-13) because my sister, Katie, was excited about it and wanted to go, but i needed the vacation after working overtime for three months. Its been a week since i started writing this post, so i know that i left some details out, but i need to capture some of this for posterity.
On Sunday night we went to Transformers, which was stupid, because i didn't fall asleep until two in the morning. After the movie i was still awake and ended up reading Chamber of Secrets for a while, which i really wanted to finish, but i knew i needed to sleep, so i finally fell asleep and it was time to wake up way too soon. i turned off my alarm at six and fell back asleep, and about an hour later my sister woke up and we were on our way.
On Monday we intended to drive to Denver and go to the Museum of Nature and Science, where there is a special exhibit on the Titanic as well as an exhibit on Egypt and the mummies. But on the way from GJ to the Front Range there were three big construction zones that required us to go down to one lane of traffic, slowing down significantly. We were also in the Geo Tracker, which does not handle hills well, let alone mountains, and we kept getting stuck behind people going even slower than we were. We finally arrived in Denver two hours before we needed to be at the airport but too late to visit the museum. We stopped at a nearby mall and browsed at a bookstore for over an hour. i finished reading CoS, and then went to the airport early, but we still turned out to be the last teens/collegiates in our group to arrive.
i didn't know anyone. Some of the girls seemed familiar but i don't know that i'd met them before, i just sometimes feel as if i've met certain Christians before when we're introduced. So i settled down to read Prisoner of Azkaban while most of the girls played "Would you rather -- or --?" There were questions like "Would you rather meet Amy Grant or the President?" and "Would you rather have a unibrow or webbed toes?" and "Would you rather give or receive?" etc. This was rather loud, as everyone inevitably shouted out their answers and caused a ruckus. i took part a little but mostly read my book.
Before going through security we played a game to introduce ourselves, naming an animal (the name of which starting with the same letter as one's name), and combining it with a movement. i said Kristi Kangaroo and hopped. Katie was beside me and upset that i took her animal, so she had to think up another one (not really, but you understand), but someone else had already used cat two or three players before, so i couldn't use kitten or think of anything else quickly. i think someone else suggested the other marsupial, the Koala, which she used. Then we met our roommate (who was the last to arrive) and went through security and made our way to the proper concourse. The flight was delayed an hour by weather in Tennessee, but other than that the flight was uneventful. We were all so tired by the time we got to the hotel, which was around 11:30 local time. i didn't sleep well (still too used to being up all night, i guess) but whatever.
On Tuesday we ate breakfast at the hotel (sold in the lobby and priced reasonably) then went to the Hallmark museum, which i had been to before but enjoyed. i'm not sure they would have found it without me as they were all walking the wrong way. We were walking through the mall, i checked the map as we were getting off the escalator, and announced that we needed to veer right. The only trouble with the excursion was that i was still tired, and my body was constantly in pain of one sort or another, so while the rest of the girls went shopping the four collegiates (two leaders and one freshman, and me) went back to the hotel. S. is going to go to ASU in the fall and we seemed to find quite a lot to talk about while floating in the pool. Then it started to get crowded, so we got out and got ready for dinner. Dinner was at the hotel's Bistro (restaurant) and was exorbitantly priced for our purposes and service took forever. My food came to me lukewarm, tasteless, and made me feel ill.
That night we went to the opening ceremonies at the conference center's arena where the music was way too loud. i couldn't hear myself singing and went hoarse overcompensating. i kept scooting over (across four seats) to make more room for the adult who was sitting next to me, but she kept following me farther and father and bumping into me and stepping on my feet. Most of the speaking i could not understand at all, as it was like shouted mumbling, but what i did understand i wasn't sure i agreed with because there was a lot of talk about learning to love yourself and very few verses quoted that don't say that at all.
That night L. (our adult roommate) turned out the lights by eleven and though she was disturbed several times by text messages from her husband (all before midnight) did not emerge the next morning until i was leaving at nine. This upset me as she knew that Katie was getting up at six and had to leave before we did, and neither of us had money for breakfast (i had two dollars and Katie was broke from the night before, where she shared food and the cost with others). So i went down to the lobby, where i expected to find everyone but instead found no one, and L. appeared and accused me of doing nothing but complaining the entire trip, which i found entirely unfair. She said that i had claimed there were no verses about loving yourself in the Bible but that there were verses about complaining.
This smarted, as i have felt guilty about complaining so much on this blog as of late. At the same time i know that God understands when i need to express such sentiments to Him, and she has absolutely no idea what my life has been like, what i've been going through, etc. The only complaints i made were because she asked for my opinion. Her friend who lives in Kansas City ate dinner with us and they spent the entire time talking about boyfriends and ex-boyfriends and how dumb they had been and the stupid things that all of the involved parties had done. It made me wonder what i was even doing sitting at the same table with them. But when L. asked me how my meal was i answered honestly and said that it was cold. When we got back to our room that night and she asked me what i had thought of the events in the arena i said that it had been too loud for me to understand half the time and that i wish they would have quoted the Bible more often. And when she gets to the lobby in the morning, having been out of bed for ten minutes because i woke her up, and i jokingly say, "Nice of everyone to be on time," not even being serious, she jumps down my throat about complaining. What the heck is that? i didn't even say anything to her about being walked on during worship, ditched by the leader who said "follow me" and then walked off, how inorganized the trip to the Hallmark Center was, or her behavior at dinner. i had answered her questions and kept my bad experiences to myself because i was desperately trying not to have a bad week, rather to believe that i would be blessed at this conference.
So as Wednesday progressed... L. gave me my twenty dollars for meals. The first event for the collegiates was the coffee house, which was supposed to have some breakfast items to buy. Upon arriving it was discovered that a Starbucks booth had been set up, which didn't serve the kind of coffee i like, and the only food available was bear claws, which i have sworn off. i walked down the hall and found a Coca-Cola machine for a dollar, then joined my group again. S. step-aunt had some cheddar on cheddar crackers which she was nice enough to give to me, which was only slightly more appetizing than bear claws, but i was so hungry that they were delicious. L. started wondering aloud why i would dislike bear claws (which have absolutely no healthy ingredients) and i tried to explain that my parents keep goats for the milk, chickens for their eggs and meat, and eat healthy alternatives. While we were waiting we could decorate our name tags and bags with crayola markers and foam flowers, butterflies, etc. But then worship started, and i was soon invested in that. The collegiate band was led by Cindy Johnson playing guitar, her fiance on piano, a guy she used to babysit on drums, and the guy who had gotten her to sing her first solo on another guitar. The sound was still a little too loud for my liking, but the music was pretty good.
For Conference Time One i had chosen "Order My Steps: Making Time for God." The conference was pretty unusual and i don't remember it well. We read several stories that she had printed off the internet and took with us a dandelion that was basically a reminder to take time to enjoy the beauty of God's creation and/or remember that it takes time for seeds/bulbs to grow and that they won't unless you plant them. Its been too long now, i don't remember the gist of it, but it wasn't very inspirational to me. Next we went to lunch in the convention center's food court, which was full of teens. i had to wait a long time to get a hamburger, and ended up singing Relient K to myself (Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet? and Let it All Out). By the time i got my food everyone else had eaten theirs (they bought the boxed lunches instead), so i bolted down my burger and fries in five minutes. Next we went to the Hands On Ministry Experience and made subtraction flash cards for Missionaries who are teaching in foreign countries.
After that was the Muslim Prayer area that i went to alone. A woman who's a missionary to muslim women talked about how muslim women love to socialize with other women by having tea and food. Everyone was given a sash to cover their heads with. Then we learned what the five prayer positions are that muslims use, and prayed in the positions, which was exhausting. The first position is standing with your hands cupped and held up at waist height. Next you cup you hands around your ears and remain standing. Then you bow at the waist and put your hands on your knees. Then you kneel with your head to the floor and put your hands on the floor by your head. Then you sit up, still kneeling, and hold your hands cupped again, like when you were standing. Praying for just a couple of minutes in each position was tiring, though i imagine doing it several times a day one would get used to it. After this we had some free time, and i walked around the downtown area taking blind photos and looking for the food court that i knew had to be nearby because it had been mentioned in the hotel info. Walking around outside was such a mood lifter i cannot even begin to tell you. It was slightly overcast, and the coolest it had been so far, and just lovely to be out and about in.
Next we had worship again, with the opportunity for fifty collegiates to sign up to spend the night in a nearby homeless shelter. No one in our group went, we had pizza for dinner (it was supposed to be our state party, but all the teens had already eaten and were swimming), and then was Night in the Middle East. We did sand art, temporary tattoos that were henna colored and depicted a flowery cross or said Blume and had a bird, wrote our name in another language, and there was one booth for "beauty treatments" that i didn't go to. A can of soda cost $2 from the proferred vendor, so i walked a block and a half to buy a 20 oz. from the same machine that i had visited that morning, which was no longer taking dollar bills and gave us a free soda. Then we sat down on the lawn to watch A Night with the King (or whatever that new Esther movie is called). i kept saying "Gimli!" every time i heard Mr. Rhys-Davies voice and driving Katie bonkers. Most of our group left the movie early: i'd already seen most of it twice on TBN and my hoodie was soaked through because i'd been sitting on it and the grass was wet. So we went back to the hotel and i started watching I, Robot on my laptop, which i had been reminded of because they had said it was important to ask the right questions. I turned it off at ten past midnight, just short of the ending, and fell asleep.
On Thursday i bought a banana for breakfast and had another soda. i set off alone to find ME, and only found it because Katie had been to it the day before and asked me if i'd been to the basement of the arena yet. i made a scrapbook page for my Blume memories, wrote a letter to the troops, wrote a letter to a Chinese penpal, and got a free t-shirt. Activities that i didn't take part in were Karaoke, a petting zoo, blow up gladiator fighting, twister, and obstacle course, dancing the hula, and some quiz show type games. There were some tables set up talking about missions work in other countries and i was was struck by how little the people in France (who were stopped in the streets of Paris) know about Jesus and God.
i attended Understanding God's Will as my next Conference and it was excellent. i don't know if i completely agreed with everything that the leader said, and it was a lot to digest, but i was surrounded by young women who were also going through some hard times. Several girls were talking about being mad at God because they were following their calling but were now on detours. One is attending college and studying to be a pianist and has now broken her wrist. Other girls had stories that they shared. It was overwhelming, impossible to put into words or fully digest, but it felt so nice to know that i'm not alone in feeling abandoned or betrayed by God. One thing the leader did say was that God doesn't have it out for us, He genuinely wants us to be happy, and that's been hard for me to remember lately. i went to lunch alone, looking for the Pizza Hut Express i had seen the day before but instead finally stumbling upon the food court, which turned out to be one block over, one block down. i had ribs and fries; the serving turned out to be huge.
Next it was off to You Can Be a Missions leader, where S. and her step-aunt were as well. We talked in groups about how we are serving right now, how we hope to be serving in the future, what we can do in our own churches and communities. We had worship again, girls talked about the Poverty Experience (shelter), there was a video about a woman who was sold into prostitution by her family in a country that used to be a part of Russia. i was so overwhelmed by all that had happened on this day. Cindy talked about not being discouraged by detours, that God is still guiding us, which put into words what i had been trying to grasp during Understanding God's Will. You see, growing up i had always heard in church that if you aren't going forward then you are going backwards, and this is something that has not seemed to ring true in my life over the past seven years. i haven't moved away from God, i have merely been trying to follow Him, but i feel like i can't find Him, i feel lost. i wrote a prayer during the service, talking to God openly about how i felt, and it was right.
After dinner was "Fun Times" which turned out to be a panel for the band where we could ask them for advice on relationships. Cindy and Steven are engaged to be married in November. Cindy's friend tours with the group and is single. The drummer has been dating his girlfriend for six years. The guitar player had divorced his wife and has since remarried her: he says that playing with the band keeps him on track with God. The session was funny and informative and i was in tears by the end of it. Cindy was talking about finding the man you're meant to be with, that you need to keep serving God and when you meet the right guy it won't be hard, you won't have to struggle to be together, but your ministries will already coincide with one another and strengthen each other. Later she talked about when her grandmother made biscuits and would sift the flour and praying that God would sift out the parts of her life that He didn't want, that He would throw out what He didn't need. At this point i was balling my eyes out because this is exactly what i have been going through, struggling to give to God, the concept that i may have to stay single, that He might not want me to get married or have kids. But i still want Him to be able to use me, so i've had to pray that He will take those desires away from me if that's His will.
The last conference i went to was I Just Do What the Voices Tell Me to Do and was led by another friend of L.'s, in fact this was the only conference i had seen her attend and she had gone to visit this friend several times over the course of the week. Her first friend also attended this conference, at which she admitted that she had been married before. But this session was about peer pressure and what it really means to be a moral person. i saw some quotes and magazine ads that really disturbed me. The leader said she was 31 and still single and sifting was still fresh in my mind. i went back to my room, mentally and physically exhausted from the day. i had twisted my ankle that morning, and both my legs were cramping, and i didn't want to go to the concert for a singer i'd never heard of. i watched the end of I, Robot and then watched Minority Report, which i hadn't seen in a long time. i also talked with two sisters who were returning my cell phone charger (they had forgotten theirs) about some of the features to look at when buying a computer to use at college and the pros and cons of a flash memory drive.
Friday morning, our last day, Katie and i packed everything up and got ready for the day. We had one more joined worship session that both bands played at. The main speaker, who i had not really enjoyed up to this point (in fact, i found it impossible not to fall asleep during her message on Wednesday night) talked about meeting the woman she was named after for the first time. i'm named after Christ, so this was an interesting concept for me, i know i will meet Him someday. i wanted to write something about what she said, but i knew i wouldn't remember it even as she said it, and now it's been an entire week. But she said to bloom where God plants you, i remember that.
After the conference we went back to our rooms to make sure we had packed everything, checked our luggage in the lobby, and rode the bus to another area of town. There was some shopping, and a museum, but i mostly sat in the food court and talked to the other girls. One of the things that had been said in You Can Be a Mission Leader is that teen girls feel more comfortable talking about their problems with collegiate women because they just went through high school and some of the same problems. i hadn't gotten to see that much of the teens over the week, most of our activities were the same but entirely separate. i spoke with S. and several other girls about things they were going through. One girl told me about her friend who is anorexic and cutting and she doesn't know what to do about it; she's afraid everyone will hate her if she gets help for her friend and the principal doesn't seem to care. i talked with her for quite a while, wishing i could help her more, because even though i'd had two friends with the same problems (one who cut, one who was anorexic and bullemic) i didn't really know what to do about it still. i've prayed for her, and encouraged her, but ultimately it is always in God's hands.
After lunch we went back to the hotel, got our bags, and rode to the airport. It turned out that Katie had left her bag at the hotel in the lobby (with a t-shirt in it, among other things) and she was upset about it. Our bag was now five pounds overweight, but we were sharing a bag, and the lady didn't charge us. i got online to check my e-mail, listen to some music (i forgot my iPod in the car at the airport parking lot), and kill some time. Jeremy Camp's "Carried Me" had been stuck in my head all day, and it was slowly becoming clear to me that though i felt lost that Christ must be carrying me, for i certainly haven't had the strength to follow Him on my own power as of late. On Tuesday or Wednesday i had started writing a letter to another friend with the same name as S. (but spelled differently) but still haven't gotten around to finishing it and sending it (sorry!). i showed S.'s step-aunt my work on Deviant Art, and it turns out that she likes to paint with oils and liked my drawings in particular. S. was off to Phoenix, but almost everyone else was flying back to Denver on the same flight, but not L. We sat in the back of the plane this time, me reading PoA between a teen and one of the leaders. We had to circle the airport once before landing, which freaked out the girl (she was by the window), but everything was uneventful. Katie and i took a bit of a scenic route from Denver to Idaho Springs, which was beautiful, and then played games that i had missed on Thursday night because i didn't go to the party where t-shirts were being given out that night. We were laughing so hard that at one point that i couldn't breathe. We got home at about 11:30, and i was so tired that i was singing to stay awake and drove straight to Grandma and Grandad's instead of dropping Katie off (she had fallen asleep sometime after Glenwood Springs, where she got tea, then spilled it on herself when we got back in the car).
Saturday was a block party for VBS so i helped Mom out a bit by taking Grandma and Grandad to the house for some sorting, then talked with Mom at the park. Afterwards i went to the theater and ended up seeing OotP with Sam, from work, and meeting her husband for the first time. They changed a lot in the movie (from the book), which didn't make me dislike it, but it was strange.
This week i have been packing, cleaning, and recuperating. On Wednesday morning i had my wisdom teeth removed and now i have chipmunk cheeks and am bruised. Tomorrow i'm flying to Atlanta to drive with Megan and her kids back to Colorado for the cleaning out of the grandparent's house and a yard sale. Tonight i'll be attending a dinner theater with Frankie, and later will buy Deathly Hallows at midnight and most likely stay up all night reading it, before taking the Greyhound to Denver at 5 a.m. so i can make my flight. Of course i just checked to make sure my last paycheck had been deposited to my account and it hadn't, so hopefully that just means that it's being held for me at work. i better head on over there.
On Sunday night we went to Transformers, which was stupid, because i didn't fall asleep until two in the morning. After the movie i was still awake and ended up reading Chamber of Secrets for a while, which i really wanted to finish, but i knew i needed to sleep, so i finally fell asleep and it was time to wake up way too soon. i turned off my alarm at six and fell back asleep, and about an hour later my sister woke up and we were on our way.
On Monday we intended to drive to Denver and go to the Museum of Nature and Science, where there is a special exhibit on the Titanic as well as an exhibit on Egypt and the mummies. But on the way from GJ to the Front Range there were three big construction zones that required us to go down to one lane of traffic, slowing down significantly. We were also in the Geo Tracker, which does not handle hills well, let alone mountains, and we kept getting stuck behind people going even slower than we were. We finally arrived in Denver two hours before we needed to be at the airport but too late to visit the museum. We stopped at a nearby mall and browsed at a bookstore for over an hour. i finished reading CoS, and then went to the airport early, but we still turned out to be the last teens/collegiates in our group to arrive.
i didn't know anyone. Some of the girls seemed familiar but i don't know that i'd met them before, i just sometimes feel as if i've met certain Christians before when we're introduced. So i settled down to read Prisoner of Azkaban while most of the girls played "Would you rather -- or --?" There were questions like "Would you rather meet Amy Grant or the President?" and "Would you rather have a unibrow or webbed toes?" and "Would you rather give or receive?" etc. This was rather loud, as everyone inevitably shouted out their answers and caused a ruckus. i took part a little but mostly read my book.
Before going through security we played a game to introduce ourselves, naming an animal (the name of which starting with the same letter as one's name), and combining it with a movement. i said Kristi Kangaroo and hopped. Katie was beside me and upset that i took her animal, so she had to think up another one (not really, but you understand), but someone else had already used cat two or three players before, so i couldn't use kitten or think of anything else quickly. i think someone else suggested the other marsupial, the Koala, which she used. Then we met our roommate (who was the last to arrive) and went through security and made our way to the proper concourse. The flight was delayed an hour by weather in Tennessee, but other than that the flight was uneventful. We were all so tired by the time we got to the hotel, which was around 11:30 local time. i didn't sleep well (still too used to being up all night, i guess) but whatever.
On Tuesday we ate breakfast at the hotel (sold in the lobby and priced reasonably) then went to the Hallmark museum, which i had been to before but enjoyed. i'm not sure they would have found it without me as they were all walking the wrong way. We were walking through the mall, i checked the map as we were getting off the escalator, and announced that we needed to veer right. The only trouble with the excursion was that i was still tired, and my body was constantly in pain of one sort or another, so while the rest of the girls went shopping the four collegiates (two leaders and one freshman, and me) went back to the hotel. S. is going to go to ASU in the fall and we seemed to find quite a lot to talk about while floating in the pool. Then it started to get crowded, so we got out and got ready for dinner. Dinner was at the hotel's Bistro (restaurant) and was exorbitantly priced for our purposes and service took forever. My food came to me lukewarm, tasteless, and made me feel ill.
That night we went to the opening ceremonies at the conference center's arena where the music was way too loud. i couldn't hear myself singing and went hoarse overcompensating. i kept scooting over (across four seats) to make more room for the adult who was sitting next to me, but she kept following me farther and father and bumping into me and stepping on my feet. Most of the speaking i could not understand at all, as it was like shouted mumbling, but what i did understand i wasn't sure i agreed with because there was a lot of talk about learning to love yourself and very few verses quoted that don't say that at all.
That night L. (our adult roommate) turned out the lights by eleven and though she was disturbed several times by text messages from her husband (all before midnight) did not emerge the next morning until i was leaving at nine. This upset me as she knew that Katie was getting up at six and had to leave before we did, and neither of us had money for breakfast (i had two dollars and Katie was broke from the night before, where she shared food and the cost with others). So i went down to the lobby, where i expected to find everyone but instead found no one, and L. appeared and accused me of doing nothing but complaining the entire trip, which i found entirely unfair. She said that i had claimed there were no verses about loving yourself in the Bible but that there were verses about complaining.
This smarted, as i have felt guilty about complaining so much on this blog as of late. At the same time i know that God understands when i need to express such sentiments to Him, and she has absolutely no idea what my life has been like, what i've been going through, etc. The only complaints i made were because she asked for my opinion. Her friend who lives in Kansas City ate dinner with us and they spent the entire time talking about boyfriends and ex-boyfriends and how dumb they had been and the stupid things that all of the involved parties had done. It made me wonder what i was even doing sitting at the same table with them. But when L. asked me how my meal was i answered honestly and said that it was cold. When we got back to our room that night and she asked me what i had thought of the events in the arena i said that it had been too loud for me to understand half the time and that i wish they would have quoted the Bible more often. And when she gets to the lobby in the morning, having been out of bed for ten minutes because i woke her up, and i jokingly say, "Nice of everyone to be on time," not even being serious, she jumps down my throat about complaining. What the heck is that? i didn't even say anything to her about being walked on during worship, ditched by the leader who said "follow me" and then walked off, how inorganized the trip to the Hallmark Center was, or her behavior at dinner. i had answered her questions and kept my bad experiences to myself because i was desperately trying not to have a bad week, rather to believe that i would be blessed at this conference.
So as Wednesday progressed... L. gave me my twenty dollars for meals. The first event for the collegiates was the coffee house, which was supposed to have some breakfast items to buy. Upon arriving it was discovered that a Starbucks booth had been set up, which didn't serve the kind of coffee i like, and the only food available was bear claws, which i have sworn off. i walked down the hall and found a Coca-Cola machine for a dollar, then joined my group again. S. step-aunt had some cheddar on cheddar crackers which she was nice enough to give to me, which was only slightly more appetizing than bear claws, but i was so hungry that they were delicious. L. started wondering aloud why i would dislike bear claws (which have absolutely no healthy ingredients) and i tried to explain that my parents keep goats for the milk, chickens for their eggs and meat, and eat healthy alternatives. While we were waiting we could decorate our name tags and bags with crayola markers and foam flowers, butterflies, etc. But then worship started, and i was soon invested in that. The collegiate band was led by Cindy Johnson playing guitar, her fiance on piano, a guy she used to babysit on drums, and the guy who had gotten her to sing her first solo on another guitar. The sound was still a little too loud for my liking, but the music was pretty good.
For Conference Time One i had chosen "Order My Steps: Making Time for God." The conference was pretty unusual and i don't remember it well. We read several stories that she had printed off the internet and took with us a dandelion that was basically a reminder to take time to enjoy the beauty of God's creation and/or remember that it takes time for seeds/bulbs to grow and that they won't unless you plant them. Its been too long now, i don't remember the gist of it, but it wasn't very inspirational to me. Next we went to lunch in the convention center's food court, which was full of teens. i had to wait a long time to get a hamburger, and ended up singing Relient K to myself (Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet? and Let it All Out). By the time i got my food everyone else had eaten theirs (they bought the boxed lunches instead), so i bolted down my burger and fries in five minutes. Next we went to the Hands On Ministry Experience and made subtraction flash cards for Missionaries who are teaching in foreign countries.
After that was the Muslim Prayer area that i went to alone. A woman who's a missionary to muslim women talked about how muslim women love to socialize with other women by having tea and food. Everyone was given a sash to cover their heads with. Then we learned what the five prayer positions are that muslims use, and prayed in the positions, which was exhausting. The first position is standing with your hands cupped and held up at waist height. Next you cup you hands around your ears and remain standing. Then you bow at the waist and put your hands on your knees. Then you kneel with your head to the floor and put your hands on the floor by your head. Then you sit up, still kneeling, and hold your hands cupped again, like when you were standing. Praying for just a couple of minutes in each position was tiring, though i imagine doing it several times a day one would get used to it. After this we had some free time, and i walked around the downtown area taking blind photos and looking for the food court that i knew had to be nearby because it had been mentioned in the hotel info. Walking around outside was such a mood lifter i cannot even begin to tell you. It was slightly overcast, and the coolest it had been so far, and just lovely to be out and about in.
Next we had worship again, with the opportunity for fifty collegiates to sign up to spend the night in a nearby homeless shelter. No one in our group went, we had pizza for dinner (it was supposed to be our state party, but all the teens had already eaten and were swimming), and then was Night in the Middle East. We did sand art, temporary tattoos that were henna colored and depicted a flowery cross or said Blume and had a bird, wrote our name in another language, and there was one booth for "beauty treatments" that i didn't go to. A can of soda cost $2 from the proferred vendor, so i walked a block and a half to buy a 20 oz. from the same machine that i had visited that morning, which was no longer taking dollar bills and gave us a free soda. Then we sat down on the lawn to watch A Night with the King (or whatever that new Esther movie is called). i kept saying "Gimli!" every time i heard Mr. Rhys-Davies voice and driving Katie bonkers. Most of our group left the movie early: i'd already seen most of it twice on TBN and my hoodie was soaked through because i'd been sitting on it and the grass was wet. So we went back to the hotel and i started watching I, Robot on my laptop, which i had been reminded of because they had said it was important to ask the right questions. I turned it off at ten past midnight, just short of the ending, and fell asleep.
On Thursday i bought a banana for breakfast and had another soda. i set off alone to find ME, and only found it because Katie had been to it the day before and asked me if i'd been to the basement of the arena yet. i made a scrapbook page for my Blume memories, wrote a letter to the troops, wrote a letter to a Chinese penpal, and got a free t-shirt. Activities that i didn't take part in were Karaoke, a petting zoo, blow up gladiator fighting, twister, and obstacle course, dancing the hula, and some quiz show type games. There were some tables set up talking about missions work in other countries and i was was struck by how little the people in France (who were stopped in the streets of Paris) know about Jesus and God.
i attended Understanding God's Will as my next Conference and it was excellent. i don't know if i completely agreed with everything that the leader said, and it was a lot to digest, but i was surrounded by young women who were also going through some hard times. Several girls were talking about being mad at God because they were following their calling but were now on detours. One is attending college and studying to be a pianist and has now broken her wrist. Other girls had stories that they shared. It was overwhelming, impossible to put into words or fully digest, but it felt so nice to know that i'm not alone in feeling abandoned or betrayed by God. One thing the leader did say was that God doesn't have it out for us, He genuinely wants us to be happy, and that's been hard for me to remember lately. i went to lunch alone, looking for the Pizza Hut Express i had seen the day before but instead finally stumbling upon the food court, which turned out to be one block over, one block down. i had ribs and fries; the serving turned out to be huge.
Next it was off to You Can Be a Missions leader, where S. and her step-aunt were as well. We talked in groups about how we are serving right now, how we hope to be serving in the future, what we can do in our own churches and communities. We had worship again, girls talked about the Poverty Experience (shelter), there was a video about a woman who was sold into prostitution by her family in a country that used to be a part of Russia. i was so overwhelmed by all that had happened on this day. Cindy talked about not being discouraged by detours, that God is still guiding us, which put into words what i had been trying to grasp during Understanding God's Will. You see, growing up i had always heard in church that if you aren't going forward then you are going backwards, and this is something that has not seemed to ring true in my life over the past seven years. i haven't moved away from God, i have merely been trying to follow Him, but i feel like i can't find Him, i feel lost. i wrote a prayer during the service, talking to God openly about how i felt, and it was right.
After dinner was "Fun Times" which turned out to be a panel for the band where we could ask them for advice on relationships. Cindy and Steven are engaged to be married in November. Cindy's friend tours with the group and is single. The drummer has been dating his girlfriend for six years. The guitar player had divorced his wife and has since remarried her: he says that playing with the band keeps him on track with God. The session was funny and informative and i was in tears by the end of it. Cindy was talking about finding the man you're meant to be with, that you need to keep serving God and when you meet the right guy it won't be hard, you won't have to struggle to be together, but your ministries will already coincide with one another and strengthen each other. Later she talked about when her grandmother made biscuits and would sift the flour and praying that God would sift out the parts of her life that He didn't want, that He would throw out what He didn't need. At this point i was balling my eyes out because this is exactly what i have been going through, struggling to give to God, the concept that i may have to stay single, that He might not want me to get married or have kids. But i still want Him to be able to use me, so i've had to pray that He will take those desires away from me if that's His will.
The last conference i went to was I Just Do What the Voices Tell Me to Do and was led by another friend of L.'s, in fact this was the only conference i had seen her attend and she had gone to visit this friend several times over the course of the week. Her first friend also attended this conference, at which she admitted that she had been married before. But this session was about peer pressure and what it really means to be a moral person. i saw some quotes and magazine ads that really disturbed me. The leader said she was 31 and still single and sifting was still fresh in my mind. i went back to my room, mentally and physically exhausted from the day. i had twisted my ankle that morning, and both my legs were cramping, and i didn't want to go to the concert for a singer i'd never heard of. i watched the end of I, Robot and then watched Minority Report, which i hadn't seen in a long time. i also talked with two sisters who were returning my cell phone charger (they had forgotten theirs) about some of the features to look at when buying a computer to use at college and the pros and cons of a flash memory drive.
Friday morning, our last day, Katie and i packed everything up and got ready for the day. We had one more joined worship session that both bands played at. The main speaker, who i had not really enjoyed up to this point (in fact, i found it impossible not to fall asleep during her message on Wednesday night) talked about meeting the woman she was named after for the first time. i'm named after Christ, so this was an interesting concept for me, i know i will meet Him someday. i wanted to write something about what she said, but i knew i wouldn't remember it even as she said it, and now it's been an entire week. But she said to bloom where God plants you, i remember that.
After the conference we went back to our rooms to make sure we had packed everything, checked our luggage in the lobby, and rode the bus to another area of town. There was some shopping, and a museum, but i mostly sat in the food court and talked to the other girls. One of the things that had been said in You Can Be a Mission Leader is that teen girls feel more comfortable talking about their problems with collegiate women because they just went through high school and some of the same problems. i hadn't gotten to see that much of the teens over the week, most of our activities were the same but entirely separate. i spoke with S. and several other girls about things they were going through. One girl told me about her friend who is anorexic and cutting and she doesn't know what to do about it; she's afraid everyone will hate her if she gets help for her friend and the principal doesn't seem to care. i talked with her for quite a while, wishing i could help her more, because even though i'd had two friends with the same problems (one who cut, one who was anorexic and bullemic) i didn't really know what to do about it still. i've prayed for her, and encouraged her, but ultimately it is always in God's hands.
After lunch we went back to the hotel, got our bags, and rode to the airport. It turned out that Katie had left her bag at the hotel in the lobby (with a t-shirt in it, among other things) and she was upset about it. Our bag was now five pounds overweight, but we were sharing a bag, and the lady didn't charge us. i got online to check my e-mail, listen to some music (i forgot my iPod in the car at the airport parking lot), and kill some time. Jeremy Camp's "Carried Me" had been stuck in my head all day, and it was slowly becoming clear to me that though i felt lost that Christ must be carrying me, for i certainly haven't had the strength to follow Him on my own power as of late. On Tuesday or Wednesday i had started writing a letter to another friend with the same name as S. (but spelled differently) but still haven't gotten around to finishing it and sending it (sorry!). i showed S.'s step-aunt my work on Deviant Art, and it turns out that she likes to paint with oils and liked my drawings in particular. S. was off to Phoenix, but almost everyone else was flying back to Denver on the same flight, but not L. We sat in the back of the plane this time, me reading PoA between a teen and one of the leaders. We had to circle the airport once before landing, which freaked out the girl (she was by the window), but everything was uneventful. Katie and i took a bit of a scenic route from Denver to Idaho Springs, which was beautiful, and then played games that i had missed on Thursday night because i didn't go to the party where t-shirts were being given out that night. We were laughing so hard that at one point that i couldn't breathe. We got home at about 11:30, and i was so tired that i was singing to stay awake and drove straight to Grandma and Grandad's instead of dropping Katie off (she had fallen asleep sometime after Glenwood Springs, where she got tea, then spilled it on herself when we got back in the car).
Saturday was a block party for VBS so i helped Mom out a bit by taking Grandma and Grandad to the house for some sorting, then talked with Mom at the park. Afterwards i went to the theater and ended up seeing OotP with Sam, from work, and meeting her husband for the first time. They changed a lot in the movie (from the book), which didn't make me dislike it, but it was strange.
This week i have been packing, cleaning, and recuperating. On Wednesday morning i had my wisdom teeth removed and now i have chipmunk cheeks and am bruised. Tomorrow i'm flying to Atlanta to drive with Megan and her kids back to Colorado for the cleaning out of the grandparent's house and a yard sale. Tonight i'll be attending a dinner theater with Frankie, and later will buy Deathly Hallows at midnight and most likely stay up all night reading it, before taking the Greyhound to Denver at 5 a.m. so i can make my flight. Of course i just checked to make sure my last paycheck had been deposited to my account and it hadn't, so hopefully that just means that it's being held for me at work. i better head on over there.
Friday, July 06, 2007
American Idol auditions
Well some prelimenary info is finally up for the newest round of American Idol auditions, and they'll be in Atlanta on August 14 and in Charleston August 18. So i have two chances to go this year, as i'll almost definitely be in Savannah in August.
American Idol auditions are a tricky thing for me. There was one year i thought about going and then decided not to try out, two years where i wanted to go quite badly and couldn't make it, and last year i didn't even pay attention to it. i've been told several times from different sources over the past five years that i should audition on the show. i've been singing in choirs for a long time, and don't know if that is what i want to spend the rest of my life singing professionally, but it could be a great opportunity for me as a career platform. Somehow i've always felt / known in the back of my mind that season seven would be the year for me, and here it is, season seven. When i was applying at Full Sail i knew that it would mean missing American Idol auditions, or at least conflict with being on the show were i to be accepted, so in the back of my mind i have felt pretty certain that if Full Sail fell through that American Idol auditions would be my next goal.
My voice is not at its strongest right now: i haven't been in a choir for over a year now, i just haven't had the time. This week i've been trying to sing more, a little bit every day, building my voice back up. i need to start doing warmups again, like we did in Mrs. Niles' class, if i'm going to be serious about this. More than anything i need to leave this up to God and in His hands. But i have always known that i love to sing, that people enjoy my voice, and that if i'm doing it for God then He will use the gift He gave me to His own glory.
Something that really bothers me about the music industry today is how fake people are when they're singing on late night tv shows or on shows like Today and GMA. They're dressed in a certain way, groomed in a certain way, everything is choreographed, and everything rarely seems genuine. i don't want to be that as a performer. i know that God is going to use me to change the world, and it's not going to be of my own power, it's going to be using the methods He chooses. i can't change to world, i don't have the power, i don't have any idea what needs to be done, i have no right to assume that i have all the answers, but i've known for as long as i can remember that He would use me because i am open to Him.
Something that i have been struggling with a lot lately is surrendering everything to Him. i always feel like i have, i tell Him over and over that everything i have and am and ever will be is His, but then He points out an area where it isn't really true. i don't know how to give up on the dream of getting married and having children; i would give up everything for these two dreams to come true, everything and anything. Being an actress, writer, singer, director, those are not my biggest goals; wife and mother is my biggest heart's cry, but i don't know that it's in God's will anymore. There was a time when i was sure He would give those things to me, but now i don't know. So i'm trying to reconcile the possibility of always being alone (in a sense of being single), childless or barren, a virgin. Yes, i will not throw my virginity away, but that doesn't make it easy at all. It's hard to give up these dreams when they were wired into me before i have memory and are what i believe every woman is called to be.
Some other things that i don't know how to deal with is my anger, impatience, and helplessness. i don't know how to be stronger. i know that i can't do anything without God, but somehow i feel that He's expecting more of me, strength and faith that i cannot give because of my feelngs of betrayal and anger. Everything around me lies to me that He doesn't care, that nothing in my life will ever get better. It's been so long that i believe the lies more than i believe God, even though i know full well that they're lies.
Watching the newest Pirates of the Caribbean speaks to me with its concept of waiting ten years for one day together, and i believe in the sanctity and purity and strength of love, and as much as i love God i don't think that i can wait ten years for Him, especially if it's only for one day. The music from that movie, the track entitled One Day, speaks to my very soul, is part of my being, as if it was known before it was heard. i cling to the last hope that i will always be faithful to God, that i would wait ten years if that is what it would take, even while knowing that i have failed Him, that i cannot wait ten years and do not want to. This seventh year in the dark night of the soul has been one of shame for me because i have practically given up on seeking Him. His Word promises that if we take one step towards Him then He will run to us, but i do not know which direction to take that step in, i have wandered aimlessly, searching with all that is in me, and He does not answer in a way that i can hear, He does not run to me, He still stands apart, watching me from afar. This feels like a betrayal of the worst kind because i have striven to give up everything that He has asked of me. i cannot give up Him, but at the same time i already have, i cannot keep wandering, i have no strength left, so i wait, and i pray from time to time, but it hurts too much to give as much as i know i should and wish i could. Still i cling to the hope that my one day will come despite the fact that i hardly know how to hope anymore.
Hand in hand with these issues are my anger and impatience: i'm mad at God for His silence, because i'm single, because i'm still a virgin, because i'm not a mother, because my life stinks, because i am doing nothing to changing the world. i have tried telling myself that the world isn't ready, my future husband isn't ready, i cannot support a child, but over the months and days i have begun to wonder if it is me who isn't ready. i don't know what to do, i don't know who and what God wants me to be, but i do know that i don't want to have this anger and impatience in my life, i don't want to pass it down to my children as it was passed to me, and i feel helpless to change it. i don't feel the same way towards my father as i once did, i think i've finally forgiven him and seen some of the good qualities in him that i couldn't before, but i feel powerless when it comes to breaking the cycle. i get annoyed when playing video games and the controls don't respond as i feel they should, when driving behind or around slowpokes and crazy drivers, when the kids get too loud and i have a headache or am overtired. i don't want to embody the negative qualities of my parents. Glenn Beck was talking about this a few days ago, he said that we have to replace those behaviours / attitudes / actions with new ones or we'll simply do what we were brought up observing. So what do i replace the negative with? i need to figure this out before i start repeating the mistakes, not afterwards. i don't know how to do this.
i've become selfish, not entirely in a bad way, but in some ways definitely. i'm tired of letting people take advantage of me, but i'm not sure how God wants me to act, to stand against injustice or turn the other cheek. Jesus did both things within His lifetime, what is His will for each situation? Is it always the same? i see so many things wrong with the country, the church, the list goes on, but am i supposed to be the one to bring change or let it go? What is it that God wants me to do??? i would be happy being the wife of the man who brings change, the mother of the person who brings change (though i don't think there's enough time left for that), the production assistant of that person, the friend of them, who am i to assume that it will be me? But i think it is me, i keep wondering if i will be a prophet, if i have enough faith to perform miracles as the disciples did, what it is that God wants me to do. It's not about me, it's about my willingness to be sent, to do His will, to do something that others may not be willing to do. i am willing to die for Him, the question is if i have enough strength and faith to live for Him. But i don't know the answers, i am still a work in progress.
American Idol auditions are a tricky thing for me. There was one year i thought about going and then decided not to try out, two years where i wanted to go quite badly and couldn't make it, and last year i didn't even pay attention to it. i've been told several times from different sources over the past five years that i should audition on the show. i've been singing in choirs for a long time, and don't know if that is what i want to spend the rest of my life singing professionally, but it could be a great opportunity for me as a career platform. Somehow i've always felt / known in the back of my mind that season seven would be the year for me, and here it is, season seven. When i was applying at Full Sail i knew that it would mean missing American Idol auditions, or at least conflict with being on the show were i to be accepted, so in the back of my mind i have felt pretty certain that if Full Sail fell through that American Idol auditions would be my next goal.
My voice is not at its strongest right now: i haven't been in a choir for over a year now, i just haven't had the time. This week i've been trying to sing more, a little bit every day, building my voice back up. i need to start doing warmups again, like we did in Mrs. Niles' class, if i'm going to be serious about this. More than anything i need to leave this up to God and in His hands. But i have always known that i love to sing, that people enjoy my voice, and that if i'm doing it for God then He will use the gift He gave me to His own glory.
Something that really bothers me about the music industry today is how fake people are when they're singing on late night tv shows or on shows like Today and GMA. They're dressed in a certain way, groomed in a certain way, everything is choreographed, and everything rarely seems genuine. i don't want to be that as a performer. i know that God is going to use me to change the world, and it's not going to be of my own power, it's going to be using the methods He chooses. i can't change to world, i don't have the power, i don't have any idea what needs to be done, i have no right to assume that i have all the answers, but i've known for as long as i can remember that He would use me because i am open to Him.
Something that i have been struggling with a lot lately is surrendering everything to Him. i always feel like i have, i tell Him over and over that everything i have and am and ever will be is His, but then He points out an area where it isn't really true. i don't know how to give up on the dream of getting married and having children; i would give up everything for these two dreams to come true, everything and anything. Being an actress, writer, singer, director, those are not my biggest goals; wife and mother is my biggest heart's cry, but i don't know that it's in God's will anymore. There was a time when i was sure He would give those things to me, but now i don't know. So i'm trying to reconcile the possibility of always being alone (in a sense of being single), childless or barren, a virgin. Yes, i will not throw my virginity away, but that doesn't make it easy at all. It's hard to give up these dreams when they were wired into me before i have memory and are what i believe every woman is called to be.
Some other things that i don't know how to deal with is my anger, impatience, and helplessness. i don't know how to be stronger. i know that i can't do anything without God, but somehow i feel that He's expecting more of me, strength and faith that i cannot give because of my feelngs of betrayal and anger. Everything around me lies to me that He doesn't care, that nothing in my life will ever get better. It's been so long that i believe the lies more than i believe God, even though i know full well that they're lies.
Watching the newest Pirates of the Caribbean speaks to me with its concept of waiting ten years for one day together, and i believe in the sanctity and purity and strength of love, and as much as i love God i don't think that i can wait ten years for Him, especially if it's only for one day. The music from that movie, the track entitled One Day, speaks to my very soul, is part of my being, as if it was known before it was heard. i cling to the last hope that i will always be faithful to God, that i would wait ten years if that is what it would take, even while knowing that i have failed Him, that i cannot wait ten years and do not want to. This seventh year in the dark night of the soul has been one of shame for me because i have practically given up on seeking Him. His Word promises that if we take one step towards Him then He will run to us, but i do not know which direction to take that step in, i have wandered aimlessly, searching with all that is in me, and He does not answer in a way that i can hear, He does not run to me, He still stands apart, watching me from afar. This feels like a betrayal of the worst kind because i have striven to give up everything that He has asked of me. i cannot give up Him, but at the same time i already have, i cannot keep wandering, i have no strength left, so i wait, and i pray from time to time, but it hurts too much to give as much as i know i should and wish i could. Still i cling to the hope that my one day will come despite the fact that i hardly know how to hope anymore.
Hand in hand with these issues are my anger and impatience: i'm mad at God for His silence, because i'm single, because i'm still a virgin, because i'm not a mother, because my life stinks, because i am doing nothing to changing the world. i have tried telling myself that the world isn't ready, my future husband isn't ready, i cannot support a child, but over the months and days i have begun to wonder if it is me who isn't ready. i don't know what to do, i don't know who and what God wants me to be, but i do know that i don't want to have this anger and impatience in my life, i don't want to pass it down to my children as it was passed to me, and i feel helpless to change it. i don't feel the same way towards my father as i once did, i think i've finally forgiven him and seen some of the good qualities in him that i couldn't before, but i feel powerless when it comes to breaking the cycle. i get annoyed when playing video games and the controls don't respond as i feel they should, when driving behind or around slowpokes and crazy drivers, when the kids get too loud and i have a headache or am overtired. i don't want to embody the negative qualities of my parents. Glenn Beck was talking about this a few days ago, he said that we have to replace those behaviours / attitudes / actions with new ones or we'll simply do what we were brought up observing. So what do i replace the negative with? i need to figure this out before i start repeating the mistakes, not afterwards. i don't know how to do this.
i've become selfish, not entirely in a bad way, but in some ways definitely. i'm tired of letting people take advantage of me, but i'm not sure how God wants me to act, to stand against injustice or turn the other cheek. Jesus did both things within His lifetime, what is His will for each situation? Is it always the same? i see so many things wrong with the country, the church, the list goes on, but am i supposed to be the one to bring change or let it go? What is it that God wants me to do??? i would be happy being the wife of the man who brings change, the mother of the person who brings change (though i don't think there's enough time left for that), the production assistant of that person, the friend of them, who am i to assume that it will be me? But i think it is me, i keep wondering if i will be a prophet, if i have enough faith to perform miracles as the disciples did, what it is that God wants me to do. It's not about me, it's about my willingness to be sent, to do His will, to do something that others may not be willing to do. i am willing to die for Him, the question is if i have enough strength and faith to live for Him. But i don't know the answers, i am still a work in progress.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
feeling rich... for a couple of weeks yet
So i finally got my money back from Full Sail, the day after receiving an insulting financial aid offer (only a month or two late). This week i am working sixty hours and also putting on my timecard the six and a half extra hours of overtime that didn't make it on my timecard last week. i had my teeth cleaned yesterday, will go in again for something to be done to the root that never fell out all the way (that tooth was pulled nine years ago). i also made an appointment for my wisdom teeth removal; they require a third of the money up front (ouch), i may look into their competitor today. i just want this over with.
In other news, my hopes for a puppy were dashed as Andrew doesn't want an indoor dog, but i bought a longboard online for about half the price that it costs at Traz (the local skate/snowboard shop). i want to start running a bit, too, which may be a pipe dream, but i want to eventually take up Parkour.
what i'm knitting ~ done with another part of Katie's Christmas gift, now to make it a pair; next i'll work on the next part of Sammy's gift (i found a pattern)
what i'm listening to ~ my iPod
what i'm reading ~ just finished Sorcerer's Stone, Chamber of Secrets is up next
what i'm watching ~ the next disc for Quantum Leap Season Two and Grey's Anatomy Season Two should arrive in my mailbox later today, Wallace and Gromit were good to me the day before yesterday
In other news, my hopes for a puppy were dashed as Andrew doesn't want an indoor dog, but i bought a longboard online for about half the price that it costs at Traz (the local skate/snowboard shop). i want to start running a bit, too, which may be a pipe dream, but i want to eventually take up Parkour.
what i'm knitting ~ done with another part of Katie's Christmas gift, now to make it a pair; next i'll work on the next part of Sammy's gift (i found a pattern)
what i'm listening to ~ my iPod
what i'm reading ~ just finished Sorcerer's Stone, Chamber of Secrets is up next
what i'm watching ~ the next disc for Quantum Leap Season Two and Grey's Anatomy Season Two should arrive in my mailbox later today, Wallace and Gromit were good to me the day before yesterday
Saturday, June 23, 2007
wow
27 days until Deathly Hallows and 17 until Order of the Phoenix!!! i can't believe it, it seemed like it would never come, and now it feels like it's coming really fast. i can't wait to read the book, and i wonder if the movie will do the book any justice.
Friday, June 22, 2007
interesting song
Linkin Park was on Jimmy Kimmel again tonight (rerun) and i remember noticing this song the first time (i've probably heard it other times, too). i like their lyrics and wonder if i should check out more of their songs.
laugh so you don't cry
My newest trainee quit!
Hahahahahahahaha!
He sprung it on me, but is wife is due any day and he got a job offer at the community hospital that pays a lot more than here, so i don't blame him at all. But this means that i have to work this weekend again and it was set to be my first weekend off in over two months. Isn't life ironic?
Hahahahahahahaha!
He sprung it on me, but is wife is due any day and he got a job offer at the community hospital that pays a lot more than here, so i don't blame him at all. But this means that i have to work this weekend again and it was set to be my first weekend off in over two months. Isn't life ironic?
Thursday, June 21, 2007
tears and falling asleep
On Tuesday morning when i got home from work i found Oreo laying in the living room in an awkward and unusual position. As soon as he heard me he started meowing loudly and with distress. i could see that he was hurting and/or scared and called Mom to let her know that i thought that the cat needed to be put down. She called Grandma for me.
We had been expecting this for a while. Oreo was very old and ever since Christmas he went to being very fat to having skin hanging off him. His fur still looked healthy but for the past month i haven't been able to discern that he was eating at all. i put down bacon and salmon for him (once each, a week apart) and as far as i could tell he didn't eat any of either (the smell of the fish in particular usually brought him running into the room as soon as the can was open). On Sunday afternoon i let him visit me in my room, which was a rarity, it was only the second time he'd been on my bed. The first two times he tried to jump up he missed, he didn't make it up, which i thought was odd but didn't think about since he seemed perfectly normal. He was demanding attention for a while and then took a nap. On Monday he was hiding out per usual, mostly napping, but didn't even pay attention to me.
But on Tuesday morning i could tell that the time was upon him. His body was rigid, particularly his back legs, which he couldn't seem to move. His tail was limp. His front legs were weak, but he could push himself up with a lot of effort. His body seemed to be twisted and frozen in an uncomfortable position. i didn't know if i should pick him up or try to move him. He meowed a lot more if i left him alone or picked him up. His mouth was dry, his breath smelled awful, and he had a weird mucous on his lips. At one point i tried taking him to his water dish but he didn't seem interested in trying to drink and seemed more upset on the tile floor than on the carpet, so i took him back to the living room. i also noticed that his eyes were cloudy and dialated and was pretty sure that he had gone blind. All i could do was sit next to him and cradle his head and touch his front paws (he kneaded against me like a kitten), everything else seemed to distress him, even normal petting.
i was crying a lot. i couldn't stop thinking about watching him be born. i never really got over how much Oreo changed when he started living with Grandma and Grandad. i never hated him, but he was mean for a long time, he wouldn't let me love him. It's only been the past nine months that he's had anything to do with me. And he was in pain, and scared, and i couldn't do anything about it except take him to die.
Mom brought me a check for the vet and i drove him to the hospital. He was very upset during the car ride. i think he's always hated cars, but i also put him in his box and he wanted me to hold him and pet him and i had to drive. i walked in and there was no one else in the waiting room, there was two receptionists that i spoke to and helped me fill out paperwork. A cat jumped up on the counter and was curious about who was in the box. They asked me if i wanted to stay with him, and i said yes, because i did not feel right about just leaving him there when he obviously wanted me with him and had been waiting for me to come home for who knows how long. We talked about whether we wanted to bury him ourselves, or pay them to put him in a general grave, or they could cremate him and give us the ashes (which costs a wopping $75 and change). Having them bury him was the cheapest and easiest option.
i was ushered into an exam room and three people came in: the doctor, a nurse, and someone else who just watched. He (the doctor) talked to me about Oreo's symptoms and looked at him a little bit and explained that they would basically be giving him an overdose of a sedative. He said that as far as they knew it was painless and he would just fall asleep, then die. i said i understood, and i did, i had already known this. The nurse was there to held him down if he struggled, but he was too weak really, so she mostly pet him. The doctor had trouble finding a vein and kept switching legs, but he was already really bad and didn't have much circulation. The nurse said that normally he would be fighting and not like what was going on at all and that he probably would have died pretty soon had i not brought him in. The doctor asked if Oreo was a friendly cat and the nurse and i got a good chuckle out of that (the obvious answer being no). We then talked about Oreo's health declining and the doctor said his symptoms were indicative of diabetes, which was common for a cat his age, and i said that i thought that might have been the case. Somewhere in here i started crying again and we talked about how much of a grump he was.
They finally got a little in him and i could tell right away that he was more comfortable. He stopped fighting, and might have been asleep by then, but he never closed his eyes. The doctor said that he was feeling better but they would have to put it in his heart because his circulation was so bad. The man gave me a tissue and left, the nurse brought more of the drugs and left, and the doctor and me were with Oreo as he died. The doctor had to inject him in his heart twice, but he was alive for quite a while, just breathing peacefully. i kept petting him even though i knew he was probably unconscious and unaware. i could feel his breath on my hand because i was also cupping his face. And then he stopped breathing, and the doctor listened for a heartbeat, and said he was gone. He asked me if i needed time alone with him to say goodbye, and i said no, i had already talked to him before i brought him in. He wrapped him in the towel we had laid him on, and i pet him one last time, and then walked away.
Time had seemed to drag on, but the time from when i found him until when he died actually only took about an hour. i didn't cry for very long after he died, and was sad but relieved at the same time. It's still weird not having him around when i come home or am doing things around the house. It's weird, but i actually miss him.
We had been expecting this for a while. Oreo was very old and ever since Christmas he went to being very fat to having skin hanging off him. His fur still looked healthy but for the past month i haven't been able to discern that he was eating at all. i put down bacon and salmon for him (once each, a week apart) and as far as i could tell he didn't eat any of either (the smell of the fish in particular usually brought him running into the room as soon as the can was open). On Sunday afternoon i let him visit me in my room, which was a rarity, it was only the second time he'd been on my bed. The first two times he tried to jump up he missed, he didn't make it up, which i thought was odd but didn't think about since he seemed perfectly normal. He was demanding attention for a while and then took a nap. On Monday he was hiding out per usual, mostly napping, but didn't even pay attention to me.
But on Tuesday morning i could tell that the time was upon him. His body was rigid, particularly his back legs, which he couldn't seem to move. His tail was limp. His front legs were weak, but he could push himself up with a lot of effort. His body seemed to be twisted and frozen in an uncomfortable position. i didn't know if i should pick him up or try to move him. He meowed a lot more if i left him alone or picked him up. His mouth was dry, his breath smelled awful, and he had a weird mucous on his lips. At one point i tried taking him to his water dish but he didn't seem interested in trying to drink and seemed more upset on the tile floor than on the carpet, so i took him back to the living room. i also noticed that his eyes were cloudy and dialated and was pretty sure that he had gone blind. All i could do was sit next to him and cradle his head and touch his front paws (he kneaded against me like a kitten), everything else seemed to distress him, even normal petting.
i was crying a lot. i couldn't stop thinking about watching him be born. i never really got over how much Oreo changed when he started living with Grandma and Grandad. i never hated him, but he was mean for a long time, he wouldn't let me love him. It's only been the past nine months that he's had anything to do with me. And he was in pain, and scared, and i couldn't do anything about it except take him to die.
Mom brought me a check for the vet and i drove him to the hospital. He was very upset during the car ride. i think he's always hated cars, but i also put him in his box and he wanted me to hold him and pet him and i had to drive. i walked in and there was no one else in the waiting room, there was two receptionists that i spoke to and helped me fill out paperwork. A cat jumped up on the counter and was curious about who was in the box. They asked me if i wanted to stay with him, and i said yes, because i did not feel right about just leaving him there when he obviously wanted me with him and had been waiting for me to come home for who knows how long. We talked about whether we wanted to bury him ourselves, or pay them to put him in a general grave, or they could cremate him and give us the ashes (which costs a wopping $75 and change). Having them bury him was the cheapest and easiest option.
i was ushered into an exam room and three people came in: the doctor, a nurse, and someone else who just watched. He (the doctor) talked to me about Oreo's symptoms and looked at him a little bit and explained that they would basically be giving him an overdose of a sedative. He said that as far as they knew it was painless and he would just fall asleep, then die. i said i understood, and i did, i had already known this. The nurse was there to held him down if he struggled, but he was too weak really, so she mostly pet him. The doctor had trouble finding a vein and kept switching legs, but he was already really bad and didn't have much circulation. The nurse said that normally he would be fighting and not like what was going on at all and that he probably would have died pretty soon had i not brought him in. The doctor asked if Oreo was a friendly cat and the nurse and i got a good chuckle out of that (the obvious answer being no). We then talked about Oreo's health declining and the doctor said his symptoms were indicative of diabetes, which was common for a cat his age, and i said that i thought that might have been the case. Somewhere in here i started crying again and we talked about how much of a grump he was.
They finally got a little in him and i could tell right away that he was more comfortable. He stopped fighting, and might have been asleep by then, but he never closed his eyes. The doctor said that he was feeling better but they would have to put it in his heart because his circulation was so bad. The man gave me a tissue and left, the nurse brought more of the drugs and left, and the doctor and me were with Oreo as he died. The doctor had to inject him in his heart twice, but he was alive for quite a while, just breathing peacefully. i kept petting him even though i knew he was probably unconscious and unaware. i could feel his breath on my hand because i was also cupping his face. And then he stopped breathing, and the doctor listened for a heartbeat, and said he was gone. He asked me if i needed time alone with him to say goodbye, and i said no, i had already talked to him before i brought him in. He wrapped him in the towel we had laid him on, and i pet him one last time, and then walked away.
Time had seemed to drag on, but the time from when i found him until when he died actually only took about an hour. i didn't cry for very long after he died, and was sad but relieved at the same time. It's still weird not having him around when i come home or am doing things around the house. It's weird, but i actually miss him.
stuck in my head
no one told me the right way to go about this ~ so i'll figure it out for myself ~ cuze how much is too much to give you ~ well i may never know so i'll just give until there's nothing else
yeah i'll give give give ~ until there's nothing else ~ give my all ~ until it all runs out ~ give give ~ and i'll have no regrets ~ i'll give until there's nothing left ~ i'll give
no one told me how bad i need you ~ but i somehow arrived at that conclusion all by myself ~ and i want all you have to offer ~ so i'll offer myself and i'll just give until there's nothing else
and i'll give give give ~ until there's nothing else ~ give my all ~ until it all runs out ~ give give ~ and i'll have no regrets ~ i'll give until there's nothing left ~ i'll give
sometimes it seems like all i ever do ~ is ask for things until i ask too much of you ~ but that is not the way that i want to live ~ i need to change ~ yeah something's gotta give
yeah something's got to give give give ~ until there's nothing else ~ give my all ~ until it all runs out ~ give give ~ and i'll have no regrets ~ i'll give until there's nothing left ~ i'll give
~ Give by Relient K from Five Score and Seven Years Ago
yeah i'll give give give ~ until there's nothing else ~ give my all ~ until it all runs out ~ give give ~ and i'll have no regrets ~ i'll give until there's nothing left ~ i'll give
no one told me how bad i need you ~ but i somehow arrived at that conclusion all by myself ~ and i want all you have to offer ~ so i'll offer myself and i'll just give until there's nothing else
and i'll give give give ~ until there's nothing else ~ give my all ~ until it all runs out ~ give give ~ and i'll have no regrets ~ i'll give until there's nothing left ~ i'll give
sometimes it seems like all i ever do ~ is ask for things until i ask too much of you ~ but that is not the way that i want to live ~ i need to change ~ yeah something's gotta give
yeah something's got to give give give ~ until there's nothing else ~ give my all ~ until it all runs out ~ give give ~ and i'll have no regrets ~ i'll give until there's nothing left ~ i'll give
~ Give by Relient K from Five Score and Seven Years Ago
Night of the Lepus - reviewed at All Consuming
i’d been wanting to see this movie for a long time, but it’s hard to find, and i finally rented it from Netflix. When i saw the Matrix with my brother-in-law he pointed out that it’s playing on the tv when Neo is talking to “there is no spoon” boy in the Oracle’s living room. He told me that it was filmed in Ajo, Arizona… which is kind of true.
i grew up in Ajo and only recognized that they were actually in Ajo during one scene, when all the cops were driving through the town’s one light next to the Plaza. The characters would talk about the “university” in Ajo and then show UofA, which is in Tucson and is upwards of a three hour drive away. i did recognize that the desert is typical of southern Arizona (in one scene A Mountain appeared to be in the far background). In one scene it looked like the “highway” that a character was turning into was actually Ten Mile Wash (a huge wash that crosses the highway ten miles outside of Ajo city limits). i don’t know of any gold mines in the area, though there are some near Yuma the mine in Ajo is copper. The drive in movie may have actually been Ajo’s, but that was torn down before we moved there. On the wall at the sheriff’s station is a map that does appear to be of Ajo, but it only shows some of the streets and doesn’t even depict the huge open pit mine, Rasmussen, or the five acres area. The airport may have been Ajo’s and i think i recognize the location where the picnicing family was mauled as being a picnic area near the shooting range. But not much of this movie was filmed in Ajo at all, though they mention the town a lot. A lot of the scenes were filmed at the junctions of highways 82 and 83, which is actually southeast of Tucson between Nogales and Sierra Vista near a town called Sonoita.
Of the movie itself: they actually do a good job of making the rabbits look huge (considering when this was filmed): they aren’t particularly scary though, and of course we have to have the obligatory “huge” footprint in the dirt for the 150 pound bunny (all the people i know who weigh 150 don’t leave tracks like that!). The dialogue and plot is predictable and campy (as i would also expect of the period). Worth a look see i guess, especially if you come from Arizona.
The funny thing about rabbits in conjunction with Ajo is that if you drive from Gila Bend to Ajo at night during the summer you are quite likely to see upwards of one hundred rabbits commit suicide in a forty mile stretch. The stupid buggers run for the headlights and are of course ran over and there is nothing you can do to avoid them. So perhaps a better way to deal with a desert overrun with rabbits is not to poison them or give them hormones: it’s to go cruising late at night with your friends. (;
i grew up in Ajo and only recognized that they were actually in Ajo during one scene, when all the cops were driving through the town’s one light next to the Plaza. The characters would talk about the “university” in Ajo and then show UofA, which is in Tucson and is upwards of a three hour drive away. i did recognize that the desert is typical of southern Arizona (in one scene A Mountain appeared to be in the far background). In one scene it looked like the “highway” that a character was turning into was actually Ten Mile Wash (a huge wash that crosses the highway ten miles outside of Ajo city limits). i don’t know of any gold mines in the area, though there are some near Yuma the mine in Ajo is copper. The drive in movie may have actually been Ajo’s, but that was torn down before we moved there. On the wall at the sheriff’s station is a map that does appear to be of Ajo, but it only shows some of the streets and doesn’t even depict the huge open pit mine, Rasmussen, or the five acres area. The airport may have been Ajo’s and i think i recognize the location where the picnicing family was mauled as being a picnic area near the shooting range. But not much of this movie was filmed in Ajo at all, though they mention the town a lot. A lot of the scenes were filmed at the junctions of highways 82 and 83, which is actually southeast of Tucson between Nogales and Sierra Vista near a town called Sonoita.
Of the movie itself: they actually do a good job of making the rabbits look huge (considering when this was filmed): they aren’t particularly scary though, and of course we have to have the obligatory “huge” footprint in the dirt for the 150 pound bunny (all the people i know who weigh 150 don’t leave tracks like that!). The dialogue and plot is predictable and campy (as i would also expect of the period). Worth a look see i guess, especially if you come from Arizona.
The funny thing about rabbits in conjunction with Ajo is that if you drive from Gila Bend to Ajo at night during the summer you are quite likely to see upwards of one hundred rabbits commit suicide in a forty mile stretch. The stupid buggers run for the headlights and are of course ran over and there is nothing you can do to avoid them. So perhaps a better way to deal with a desert overrun with rabbits is not to poison them or give them hormones: it’s to go cruising late at night with your friends. (;
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
just cuz i feel like it
what i'm knitting ~ an addition to Katie's Christmas present (she's gonna make out like a bandit this year)
what i'm listening to ~ Five Score and Seven Years Ago by Relient K, Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End and Moulin Rouge
what i'm reading ~ For Us, the Living by Heinlein (possibly his first book, published posthumously, more boring than his usual fair because it's too much info/theorizing, not enough story)
i'm not writing or creating any art right now. ):
what i'm listening to ~ Five Score and Seven Years Ago by Relient K, Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End and Moulin Rouge
what i'm reading ~ For Us, the Living by Heinlein (possibly his first book, published posthumously, more boring than his usual fair because it's too much info/theorizing, not enough story)
i'm not writing or creating any art right now. ):
a slightly more rational update
While the previous post was about my spiritual condition, some may find it depressing to wade through, so i will spare you of that necessity. So here is the happy face, which is indeed genuine enough. The abbreviated version is that:
i'm not going to Full Sail because of financial aid issues.
Megan has offered her spare room to me.
There is a cheaper film school in Colorado with an accelerated degree that lasts less than a year which--though it might not be as promising as Full Sail--is a possibility and i am looking into it.
i think that for now i will focus on staying with Megan while she is living alone. i gave notice at work even when it seemed evident that Full Sail was a no go because i cannot support myself on minimum wage (even when working overtime), there is no way that i can attend school and work, and they would not give me vacation time during July because it's Sweeps (ratings). i work hard and try not to complain, but it is unreasonable for TPTB to be hiring new employees at a starting wage that's higher than mine, and refuse to give me time off when the MCO who works the morning shift takes a week off at a time every other month (albeit not during sweeps, but how am i supposed to have time off if he already does?).
So i suppose i will work for a while in Savannah. i won't be near my parents or siblings but i will be near my sister, niece, and nephew. i won't be going to film school right away probably, but i haven't given up on it entirely. And there's always American Idol (third intent to go to auditions is a charm?)... seriously, that was always in the back of my mind as a possibility if Full Sail fell through, because i know that i can't do both. So get some normal sleep, try to lose weight again, try to figure out what God wants...
i'm not really upset about not going to Florida anymore, i was invested in it, but i always knew that there was the possibility that it wouldn't work out. The past weekend was a chance to take a step back and let go: i meant to clean the trailer and start packing but things didn't work out that way. i vegged out and recuperated and thought through some stuff, and nothing's really final yet, just probable. A lot can happen in four weeks.
Right now i want to have time to read, create art, socialize, spend time with my family, and figure out what God wants me to do. Maybe i'll start an online business or write a book or something, but i'm just trying to be open to what God wants me to do.
i'm not going to Full Sail because of financial aid issues.
Megan has offered her spare room to me.
There is a cheaper film school in Colorado with an accelerated degree that lasts less than a year which--though it might not be as promising as Full Sail--is a possibility and i am looking into it.
i think that for now i will focus on staying with Megan while she is living alone. i gave notice at work even when it seemed evident that Full Sail was a no go because i cannot support myself on minimum wage (even when working overtime), there is no way that i can attend school and work, and they would not give me vacation time during July because it's Sweeps (ratings). i work hard and try not to complain, but it is unreasonable for TPTB to be hiring new employees at a starting wage that's higher than mine, and refuse to give me time off when the MCO who works the morning shift takes a week off at a time every other month (albeit not during sweeps, but how am i supposed to have time off if he already does?).
So i suppose i will work for a while in Savannah. i won't be near my parents or siblings but i will be near my sister, niece, and nephew. i won't be going to film school right away probably, but i haven't given up on it entirely. And there's always American Idol (third intent to go to auditions is a charm?)... seriously, that was always in the back of my mind as a possibility if Full Sail fell through, because i know that i can't do both. So get some normal sleep, try to lose weight again, try to figure out what God wants...
i'm not really upset about not going to Florida anymore, i was invested in it, but i always knew that there was the possibility that it wouldn't work out. The past weekend was a chance to take a step back and let go: i meant to clean the trailer and start packing but things didn't work out that way. i vegged out and recuperated and thought through some stuff, and nothing's really final yet, just probable. A lot can happen in four weeks.
Right now i want to have time to read, create art, socialize, spend time with my family, and figure out what God wants me to do. Maybe i'll start an online business or write a book or something, but i'm just trying to be open to what God wants me to do.
belated news
So, my last post i was ecstatic that i had found a roommate, an apartment, been accepted at Full Sail, etc. It took less than twenty-four hours for my bubble to burst, and i fought it kicking and screaming... But because no federal aid was offered and private loan repayments would equal $650 a month i have come to accept that Full Sail is not in my future. It is just too expensive.
For a capitalist, i must admit that i hate money. i hate thinking about it, budgeting it, working for not enough of it, and generally drowning just to stay afloat. i never have a chance to get ahead. i can't support myself, even when working full time. i try so hard and it doesn't help one whit, which makes me want to just give up and forget trying at all. It's exhausting, trying so hard, giving so much, holding on to hope, only to find myself--yet again--back at square one. My best laid plans are always laid waste.
When i realized that Full Sail was out of reach i was crushed. i was angry at God, because i was so certain that this was what He wanted me to do, which begged the question: was it not God that gave me the dream to become an astronaut? An actress? And now film screenwriter/producer/director? Though i had always prefaced prayers my prayers by asking Him to show me if moving to Florida and attending Full Sail wasn't His will, when the answer did turn out to be no it was still extremely difficult for me to put aside my doubts, worries, despair, and shut down my mind enough to sleep, relax, focus on anything but how much of a fool that i felt and how angry and sad i was that everything i have been working towards was/seemed like a waste of time. i was so sure that God was pushing me in this direction, but even as i was mad at Him, even madder at myself, i knew that i had to pray, to tell Him, to reaffirm for myself, to Him, that He is in control, that it is His will, not mine, that is most important. In that moment i was crushed and felt like a fool for getting my hopes up, but i knew that there must be a reason for it, even though i still don't know what that reason is. So even while i was crying my eyes out i was determined to hold on to my faith and deny my inclination to put my desires before His.
i often say that i don't know what to do, and this event was not the first to cause me to beg God for help, deliverance, and/or guidance. i know that i'm nothing on my own, i know that i can't make it on my own power, no matter what people tell me. Some people act as if i'm a fool for having dreams at all, others act as if it is a sure thing that i will succeed at any thing that i set my mind to... Both viewpoints are inaccurate from my persepective. i don't know how to not dream, how to stop reaching for the stars, how to stop seeking God's will and guidance. At the same time i am weak, fallible, and incapable of being successful at anything of my own will, power, or volition. i am powerless, helpless, and i will not succumb to the conceit that i am capable of doing anything without Him. This is why i wait, not because it is of my power, or because i want to (for i lack patience in the most horrible way), but because that is what God has asked me to do.
i don't know if God will ever answer my questions, reveal to me the answer to the question of why?!?, but i do know that i cannot turn my back on Him. i have repeatedly felt as if i were at the end of my rope, out of hope, drowning and an inch from death (in a spiritual sense), but if i cannot succeed now, when fully surrendered to God, then how could i succeed under my own power and volition? If God does not exist, or if He does and i do not succeed in the task He has given me, then how could i face Him after death? So i am not suicidal, and no matter how bad things get i know i can turn to no one but Him, but that is not to say that things are ever easy for me. Just when i feel as if i can tread water and breathe, as if i am about to escape the cage, climb out of the abyss, i drown/fail/fall again. Even when things are good or looking up i must trust God for each moment, for each heartbeat of bliss, for every mustard seed of hope.
So i sound overdramatic; you try living through hell for a while. Oh, i know that i have food, can watch movies, play games, clothe myself, and am not in immediate fear of war / drowning / famine / rape / martyrdom / cancer / disease, but i am not fighting a battle of flesh and blood. My war is spiritual: i drown in despair, my famine is of the Spirit, my hope is torn from me, my faith tested to its limits. Of my body: i cannot lose weight, which to me is worse than the prospect of any other disease. i would willingly die for God, and so i put my spiritual life on the line for Him all the time.
Maybe one day i will have to die for my faith, but my biggest concern is that i'm not serving Him enough to merit that. i've heard the hypothetical question: "if you were put on trial for being a Christian, would you be convicted?" i am afraid that the evidence might not be as strong as i would hope, so i endeavor to make the evidence stronger, more evident. But as i say, i am weak, i have a long way to go, each day is a battle. Is it enough to live my faith, or should i talk about it more openly? If someone were to ask a coworker or a classmate what religion i am, what i believe in, would the know, would they be able to say?
i hope the answer is yes, but i'm scared that it's not. i have given in to the darkness too much, i have failed God too often. And the truth of it is that i don't know how to fight any harder, but i am mad at myself and God at the same time.
For a capitalist, i must admit that i hate money. i hate thinking about it, budgeting it, working for not enough of it, and generally drowning just to stay afloat. i never have a chance to get ahead. i can't support myself, even when working full time. i try so hard and it doesn't help one whit, which makes me want to just give up and forget trying at all. It's exhausting, trying so hard, giving so much, holding on to hope, only to find myself--yet again--back at square one. My best laid plans are always laid waste.
When i realized that Full Sail was out of reach i was crushed. i was angry at God, because i was so certain that this was what He wanted me to do, which begged the question: was it not God that gave me the dream to become an astronaut? An actress? And now film screenwriter/producer/director? Though i had always prefaced prayers my prayers by asking Him to show me if moving to Florida and attending Full Sail wasn't His will, when the answer did turn out to be no it was still extremely difficult for me to put aside my doubts, worries, despair, and shut down my mind enough to sleep, relax, focus on anything but how much of a fool that i felt and how angry and sad i was that everything i have been working towards was/seemed like a waste of time. i was so sure that God was pushing me in this direction, but even as i was mad at Him, even madder at myself, i knew that i had to pray, to tell Him, to reaffirm for myself, to Him, that He is in control, that it is His will, not mine, that is most important. In that moment i was crushed and felt like a fool for getting my hopes up, but i knew that there must be a reason for it, even though i still don't know what that reason is. So even while i was crying my eyes out i was determined to hold on to my faith and deny my inclination to put my desires before His.
i often say that i don't know what to do, and this event was not the first to cause me to beg God for help, deliverance, and/or guidance. i know that i'm nothing on my own, i know that i can't make it on my own power, no matter what people tell me. Some people act as if i'm a fool for having dreams at all, others act as if it is a sure thing that i will succeed at any thing that i set my mind to... Both viewpoints are inaccurate from my persepective. i don't know how to not dream, how to stop reaching for the stars, how to stop seeking God's will and guidance. At the same time i am weak, fallible, and incapable of being successful at anything of my own will, power, or volition. i am powerless, helpless, and i will not succumb to the conceit that i am capable of doing anything without Him. This is why i wait, not because it is of my power, or because i want to (for i lack patience in the most horrible way), but because that is what God has asked me to do.
i don't know if God will ever answer my questions, reveal to me the answer to the question of why?!?, but i do know that i cannot turn my back on Him. i have repeatedly felt as if i were at the end of my rope, out of hope, drowning and an inch from death (in a spiritual sense), but if i cannot succeed now, when fully surrendered to God, then how could i succeed under my own power and volition? If God does not exist, or if He does and i do not succeed in the task He has given me, then how could i face Him after death? So i am not suicidal, and no matter how bad things get i know i can turn to no one but Him, but that is not to say that things are ever easy for me. Just when i feel as if i can tread water and breathe, as if i am about to escape the cage, climb out of the abyss, i drown/fail/fall again. Even when things are good or looking up i must trust God for each moment, for each heartbeat of bliss, for every mustard seed of hope.
So i sound overdramatic; you try living through hell for a while. Oh, i know that i have food, can watch movies, play games, clothe myself, and am not in immediate fear of war / drowning / famine / rape / martyrdom / cancer / disease, but i am not fighting a battle of flesh and blood. My war is spiritual: i drown in despair, my famine is of the Spirit, my hope is torn from me, my faith tested to its limits. Of my body: i cannot lose weight, which to me is worse than the prospect of any other disease. i would willingly die for God, and so i put my spiritual life on the line for Him all the time.
Maybe one day i will have to die for my faith, but my biggest concern is that i'm not serving Him enough to merit that. i've heard the hypothetical question: "if you were put on trial for being a Christian, would you be convicted?" i am afraid that the evidence might not be as strong as i would hope, so i endeavor to make the evidence stronger, more evident. But as i say, i am weak, i have a long way to go, each day is a battle. Is it enough to live my faith, or should i talk about it more openly? If someone were to ask a coworker or a classmate what religion i am, what i believe in, would the know, would they be able to say?
i hope the answer is yes, but i'm scared that it's not. i have given in to the darkness too much, i have failed God too often. And the truth of it is that i don't know how to fight any harder, but i am mad at myself and God at the same time.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
huzzah!
It looks like i've found a roommate! She's already rented a place at Auvers Village, two miles from campus, is a Christian, and it sounds like we're going to work out. i need to apply sometime this week myself, but i'll be talking to her in the morning about finalizing our arrangements, etc. She wants to get a cat, doesn't smoke, we'll have our own bathroom and it looks like we're getting a good deal on the place (assuming my app is approved). She said it's the Louvre floorplan. i'm so excited! Now i need to get my financial aid squared away, but i'm not as worried about that. Keep praying for me, please!
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
re: argh rant
Sorry, i'm just really upset and not upset at the same time. i didn't expect this, i wasn't being pessimistic or depressed, and this slams into me from out of nowhere. i'm trying to find an apartment and roommate and financial aid and am stressed about it. Someone e-mailed me yesterday that sounds more promising that anyone else so far, hopefully she will get back to me soon. i really could use some good news.
argh
So i come into work today, and my replacement (who's in his last day of training) is also getting out of his car. We walk in together, he asks for our boss' phone number pretty much right away, and calls him. Ten minutes later he's quit and is walking out the door.
i am numb. i'm just too tired of putting up with this kind of stuff to care anymore, it's kind of like i should have expected it. Why should i expect any better? i can't have anything good in my life, God forbid! So i don't know what i'm doing tomorrow. i thought i would be starting my new shift at 3, but now i don't think i can. The guy i'm supposed to be replacing isn't even supposed to be MCOing anymore, but who knows what he's doing tomorrow, either. The morning MCO is on vacation for the whole week AGAIN and my boss is doing his job and i can't get a weekend off, let alone a week.
This is what is so scary about my moving across the country and digging myself deeper into debt. How can i dare even hope that anything in my life could be so promising? Even the good stuff that happens to me is tainted by bad. i am being paid minimum wage, am overworked, still might not get to go to the better position, am making less money than my trainees, am unappreciated, but whatever. i don't need to be patted on the back to know that i do a kick butt job. i don't expect to get a raise when i go above and beyond because executives are cheap and i usually let people walk all over me instead of forcing what i want on them. And i try to be humble even though i can see that i'm doing more than my share and am doing it well. i just don't know what i was thinking, actually expecting to get to have a reasonable shift and a somewhat normal life.
So i don't know what's happening tomorrow, but i'm probably still on graveyards. Grr.
i am numb. i'm just too tired of putting up with this kind of stuff to care anymore, it's kind of like i should have expected it. Why should i expect any better? i can't have anything good in my life, God forbid! So i don't know what i'm doing tomorrow. i thought i would be starting my new shift at 3, but now i don't think i can. The guy i'm supposed to be replacing isn't even supposed to be MCOing anymore, but who knows what he's doing tomorrow, either. The morning MCO is on vacation for the whole week AGAIN and my boss is doing his job and i can't get a weekend off, let alone a week.
This is what is so scary about my moving across the country and digging myself deeper into debt. How can i dare even hope that anything in my life could be so promising? Even the good stuff that happens to me is tainted by bad. i am being paid minimum wage, am overworked, still might not get to go to the better position, am making less money than my trainees, am unappreciated, but whatever. i don't need to be patted on the back to know that i do a kick butt job. i don't expect to get a raise when i go above and beyond because executives are cheap and i usually let people walk all over me instead of forcing what i want on them. And i try to be humble even though i can see that i'm doing more than my share and am doing it well. i just don't know what i was thinking, actually expecting to get to have a reasonable shift and a somewhat normal life.
So i don't know what's happening tomorrow, but i'm probably still on graveyards. Grr.
Monday, June 11, 2007
full sail ahead
Well i finally got the word from Full Sail in the form of an enrollment package. i've signed all the paperwork, will mail it today or tomorrow, and will be giving my notice at work soon. i'm still looking for a roommate and need to figure out my financial aid, but it looks like come August i will be in Florida. All of my admissions paperwork is in now except for this last document. Hopefully i'll be able to get my student loans squared away soon. The financial aid and housing is the most daunting thing to me: it's very intimidating to think of myself so far away from home. i've finally found a way of actively pursuing some of my dreams, but i'm going to be going deeper into debt to do it. i'm trying not to be negative, to think of what it would be like to fail. i know that i'll do well at this, i know that it will come naturally to me but also require hard work, but i'm scared of failure. i've spent so much time wishing that i was doing something like this instead that now that it's actually happening... it doesn't seem real. In eight weeks i'll be starting my new education and will finally be on my own for real. i know that Megan will only be a four hour drive away, but i'm still going to miss my family, and it's still going to be completely new and different. In two years i'll have a degree and maybe a job. That's still a long way off, but at least i'll be working towards the future instead of wondering what the heck i'm doing.
Anyhow, i'll keep you all updated as i learn more. Also, i am moving to the afternoon shift this week at work finally! Probably on Tuesday, as soon as i finish training my replacement. i don't know how they're going to replace me, i've been working overtime for over two months now, and i wish i would have saved more money. A move is just ahead!
Anyhow, i'll keep you all updated as i learn more. Also, i am moving to the afternoon shift this week at work finally! Probably on Tuesday, as soon as i finish training my replacement. i don't know how they're going to replace me, i've been working overtime for over two months now, and i wish i would have saved more money. A move is just ahead!
Thursday, May 31, 2007
e-mail address lunacy
In case you haven't figured it out yet, e-mailing me at my old Yahoo Mail account is a waste of time. i was receiving hundreds if not thousands of Spam messages a day, with over half of my mail in my inbox being illegitimate as well. So don't waste your messages (and i know they are few) by e-mailing me there: it won't work. My new e-mail home is at GMail, and i have never ever gotten Spam in my inbox. For the past few months all of my messages from Yahoo have contained the new e-mail address for "Reply to", and i'm not going to be checking the old account anymore. So please e-mail me in a way that will actually get to me: rogue.fire.angel@gmail.com
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