paralyzed

partially written 06021.6, not completed until now

The trick to not feeling absolutely crushed is focusing on God. It's difficult to do this when i cannot see, hear, or feel Him, but i remember Him, i know Him. He loves me; i have faith that He's allowing all of this to happen to me so i can become a better person, so He can be glorified in my life, so He can use me in the way He chooses. It doesn't matter what i want, it matters what He wants.

It's so hard to hold onto that, to make sure that i hold all of that hope in my mind. Having hope is a struggle to me now. It blows me away that He trusts me enough to leave me in this place for over seven years when i feel lik i don't even have the strength to get through each day.

I'm not perfect, i'm making a fool of myself. I try so hard, but i end up trying to ignore all my hopes, dreams, and spiritual pursuits just so i can get through a day with a positive attitude. I constantly feel paralyzed, like even if i try to lift myself up off the ground it's an exercise in futility. i don't like who i am becoming, i don't see how this is glorifying Him, and it makes me impatient and angry and selfish. All i want is to serve Him and that just gets stripped away.

It's hard for me to write about this: i don't want anyone to know about the mask i still end up wearing despite my best efforts, i don't want to hurt anyone, i don't want anyone to know how weak i am when i have fought so very hard.

i often wonder if people have any idea how much they hurt me with their words and attitudes. i keep trying to forgive and forget instead of letting this pain rule me or control me but i always fail. i'm too angry now, i've nearly succumbed to the thing i've been fighting against for longer than i can remember. i don't want to be angry or impatient or demanding; i only want to be rooted in Jesus and be like Him. i want to be patient, have empathy. i don't always understand other people, i don't always listen to them because i'm so defensive. i'm tired of being hurt and don't want to clam up but don't know how to put my heart on the line anymore.

In Sunday school a couple of weeks ago we talked about doubt, about figuring out God's will for one life. That was when it became clear to me that my faith has slipped away from me and i haven't even been trying to find God anymore. i guess i thought that if i ignored Him it would be all right because He's been ignoring me (from my perspective). One of the topics in the lesson was the argument in Experiencing God that no one should be focusing on "what's God's will for my life" because that's selfish and focused on me. Blackaby writes that we should look for where God is already working and "join" Him there. i've always had issue with this entire idea. How is God going to start working in new places if we're only looking for where He is already working? How is it humble to assume that we are supposed to go in and start working on or changing some ministry that we saw God blessing? How can anyone think that it's wrong to seek God's will?!?

i then realized that i have been sinning in this because i've been assuming/dreaming that God could use me in the cast of shows like Star Trek Voyager, Dark Angel, Enterprise, and (i have just recently starting thinking about) Lost. My prayer has always been "Lord, Your will, not mine", but it was still presumptious of me. i know i can only act if God wants me to, but who am i to assume that i should go butt in over there? Maybe God has something totally different in mind for me.

So i'm paralyzed again. i didn't realize that i'd been trying to do it on my own, but i was. "Why not?" i reasoned, "He's not leading me anyway." So i go and ignore my intuition and i try to do things my own way for a while but it still doesn't work. i knew that already, why was i such a fool? If i can't do things with God then how in the heck am i supposed to do it with Him, either? i hate feeling like this: useless, dirty, selfish. No matter how selfless i am it's never enough, there's still the selfish part of me fighting for dominance, and i don't even have any self confidence. All my confidence has been in Christ and so i'm paralyzed.

The trick to not feeling absolutely paralyzingly crushed is to focus on Jesus... but how am i supposed to do that when i can't see, hear, or feel Him? i don't know how to talk to Him anymore. i don't remember who He is anymore, i don't know if i ever knew, and i don't really know what His will is. He doesn't say and my intuition just tells me to go crawl into a hole and give up now. It's so hard not to give up, to have even a sliver of hope or a mustard seed of faith. How can God trust me at all? i'm nothing.