what i'm knitting ~ tankini top
what i'm listening to ~ The Taking by Dean Koontz
what i'm reading ~ Xenocide by Orson Scott Card
what i'm writing ~ a few things here and there, mostly schoolwork d:

So i've started blogging more at MySpace. i guess i feel free to be silly there but not here. Here i'm more serious: more honest about real life. Most of all, i don't know what to do, i don't know what to write because i don't know how to analyze my life and circumstances, i am lost. It's weird for me. i feel like the main character in The Taking who believes in God but isn't inclined to pray for what she wants because she's afraid He'll give her the opposite to what she's asking for. This is ridiculous and false, i know, but it's still how i feel. If praying hasn't worked after seven years, three months, and sixteen days how am i supposed to believe that it will now? Yet i do. i don't know what to ask for anymore, what to see, all i know is that i need Him. i'm helpless, paralyzed, overcome by the dark. i hope i can become a phoenix being reborn from the ashes. But when will that happen? If i await with baited breath, will i not pass out? There are no easy answers to these questions. i feel selfish and small to ask them. But i don't know how to be anyone else anymore.