i should be studying, but i'm not. i'm tired of studying. i'm tired of reading stupid books and trying to disect movies in the hopes of learning something. i don't want to write another paper about Lawrence of Arabia. i don't care to be prepared for my presentation on impressionism. i just feel so dead. Mythology was okay but i have another test on Thursday. Archery stunk so badly. i'm just dreading these last few weeks of school because i'm so sick of the b.s. i got conditionally accepted at the University of Hawaii but i don't have the money to go and i just got a new job that i don't feel right bailing out on when they're so hard up for employees. i just feel stripped, devoid of ambition or wisdom. What is the point in trying when you always fail? i don't know what God wants me to do and He's not telling me but i still feel guilty that i'm not asking enough. Why do i abuse myself like this? He hasn't said anything for over six years, it's not my fault. i hate feeling like this, like i can't try any harder but i haven't tried hard enough. As soon as i get back on my feet something else that's bad will happen, it always does. i can't be happy or successful or even get by, why no of course not, Kristi has to be held down. i hate feeling like this. Why am i doomed to be a pessimist?