i love snow! except for the part about icy sidewalks...

Today i speed shuffled from Weightlifting (at which i can still only lift on my left side when it comes to legs) to Announcing because today was the day i was to read a story in front of a camera. i was wearing too-much-but-still-tastefully-done makeup (does that make any sense?), a blouse and sportcoat, and am really bodily tired because i didn't eat a proper breakfast and the cold has really been taking it out on me with my current injury. i get to the elevator, out of breath, and come face to face with two classmates getting off who inform me that class is canceled for the day. Grr....

For those of you who don't know, i hurt my right lower back and hip the Friday before Thanksgiving when i fell down bowling. For over a week it hurt like heck to stand up, sit down, kneel, pretty much everything except lie down, and then it would hurt to roll over. Fortunately this past Monday i woke up without pain and with the stiffness nearly gone, but since that same day my joints have been feeling the weather more than usual. i know i'm still not fully recovered: today i tried to touch my toes and didn't get all the way there, which was a shocker for me. i can usually put my hands flat on the floor with my feet together and legs straight, or if i'm sitting on the floor with my legs together reach past my toes. But even though i have gotten to the point where my back doesn't spasm every time to stand up and my legs aren't painfully twitchy from 2-4 in the afternoon (even if sometimes it still takes a second for my back to straighten and pelvis to tilt in the right position if i get up too fast) i have been getting intermittent cramps in at random times of the day (mostly in my right calf and butt). But this is all a lot better than the perpetual pain that was and i'm sure is mostly because i haven't been eating enough of the right things. i'm in a lot less pain now, believe me. i'm still hoping to be able to hit the slopes opening weekend at Powderhorn, but i'm not going to go if my body isn't ready. Better to be able to ride the entire season than blow my back out going down the mountain once.

Anyways, back to Announcing... i should have been glad because i wasn't really prepared, but instead i was irritated because on Monday he made such a big deal about me having to go today. i've known the snow was coming since Saturday when Sowder (later Radcliffe) started talking about it on the weather report, not to mention that my body has been telling me (screaming to me one night, to be perfectly honest, it's like my old weather sensors magnified exponentially). i got to school on time, why can't he??? i'm never taking a class from this guy again; i appreciate a day off now and then, but not on an average of once every other week.

And there's also something else i realized while trying not to slip and slide across campus: i wasn't nervous. All my nerves have worn off over the semester, more and more with each assignment, not that they were crushing to begin with. i'm around this every day, secretly harbor suspicions that i could read the news better than our current anchor (sorry Ryan), and i know i could write it better than the reporters (who all have atrocious grammer and little writing skill). i'm ashamed to admit these things. Those people have graduated college while i'm meanwhile bored and ticked off attending one class in the subject. i dropped my other class because i decided that i just don't want to be a journalist and am now strongly considering changing majors again. What's going on with me?

i could be good at this, i see that, but everyone in this business are so full of themselves that it's a total turn off. i love all of them to death because i've gotten to know them, but if i could chose these people as friends... i wouldn't have wanted to be friends with more than one or two because they're just annoyingly sure of themselves and have no sense of humbleness in their bodies. God threw me in with them, and i'm glad he did, but that's why He's God and i'm not.

And today i started to wonder why i have no nerves when it comes to reading a poorly written newspaper article as if it were a "Reader" in a Broadcast (it would have made a decent Package, but in this format it stinks) when every time i would do a monologue or scene during class or auditions at the MPAC across campus it would be all i could do not to fall apart. i don't want to do theater, but i think it's more than that. i think i'm developing a healthy confidence in myself without this ludicrous "i'm king of the world" rubbish.

But Broadcasting has turned out to be a subject that i could care less about and Theater... i don't want to be on Broadway, but it's frighteningly close to what my dream was all about, just the same. It's not that i don't want to act... it's that i hate what they wanted me to act out/about and i was so afraid that i would look bad doing it because i knew it was bad. Cowden and Ivanov will rant and rave about how Theater is better written, better acted, better performed, better art, and i just want to cringe. My passion is film, for all its pitfalls, and Theater...? Well, let's just say that it doesn't reach me. Give me a bad high school play with actors that i know over a expensive production of a "important" play any day.

So why did i get crushing nerves during monologues, etc. i would forget lines that i had labored to memorize, be stiff and my blocking would go out the window, i had one scene that just went "okay". i know i can do this (acting), it was my passion for so long, and now... i don't let myself think about it because it seems impossible. But here is the dream that i fought against and God chose to press into my heart anyway. i feel guilty that i've kind of given up on it now. Meanwhile, most of my readers are probably relieved. i just wish i knew what God wants me to do about it.

Jessica Alba has said that she doesn't do things halfway and "My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing." i wish i could be like that, be confident enough that God can use me even when i don't have a clue what i'm doing. Maybe i can learn that next year, make it a resolution. Meanwhile, i now have to go to bowling.