to tri or not to tri?

So i've been out of school for about two months and have yet to find a job. I feel like i'm still recovering from school, actually. Anyway, prospective employers thus far have been very rude and not even done so much as let me know that they've received my application or the position has been filled, etc. I really don't understand unprofessional behavior like refusing to provide information about a position. If you advertise that you have an opening then you should be prepared to inform applicants about requirements, benefits, etc. So basically i keep applying for jobs that i don't really have much information about and never hear anything back.

I have mixed feelings about trying to train for triathlons again. I really don't see how i could afford to do so while unemployed. I can't pay for a gym membership. I suppose i could focus only on cycling and running (which isn't too bad, seeing how swimming is my strongest event, and if i improve on the other two then my swimming will probably automatically improve as well). But no more can i afford to enter any triathlons. That, with the heat and my allergies being terrible this year, has really been a deterrent to throwing myself back into training.

On the 4th i rode my bike almost 10 miles. We had been camping, and were coming home the "back" way, which is to say taking the dirt rode that zigzags down the mountain rather than taking the highway the long way around. After a point, three of my siblings and i started to coast down the mountain, and three of us kept going the entire way home. This may sound like it isn't a very exhausting prospect...well, things couldn't be further from the truth. There were several factors at work here.

• I haven't been riding much lately and didn't have my padded shorts on.
• My siblings are all younger than me and I felt it was important to stay behind the youngest and make sure she was safe...so i used the breaks more than i would have had i been alone.
• There was some uphill pedaling...  There wasn't a lot, but at least one stretch was a steep incline.
• High altitude + bad allergies = hard to breathe (this improved the lower in elevation we got).
• It was hot!  In the mid-70s (F) at the top and low 90s at the bottom.
• We didn't have enough water on the bikes (though we did periodically stop to get a drink out of the van, which was following us)
• Though coasting, i discovered that i was diverting my weight to the pedals more than i would have expected.  Rather than keeping them at equal heights to the ground (as one does when mountain biking), i kept alternating which pedal was lower and shifting in the seat so my weight was over the pedal.

 To sum up, my hands and butt and legs all got tired.  My arms far more tired than i was anticipating.  I couldn't adjust my grip a lot because i was braking so much.  The next day i had no energy.  I wasn't sore so much as achy, and mostly in my arms.  Taking the stairs in our house a few times just about wiped me out.  But then i had insomnia, got absolutely no sleep, and the day after that i felt like crap.  I had even less energy.  See, if i'm going to be training, i need to eat more and sleep more, and right now both of those things are elusive.  So i'm not sure what to do.

I keep telling myself that i need a goal.  I have no idea what to aim for.  I thought about Escape from Alcatraz.  For some reason, ever since i heard of that race, i've thought it was the ultimate goal race for me.  Challenging swim and shorter bike leg (though considering the fact that it's in San Fran...is probably brutal).  So i thought, hey, maybe if i start training now i can do a bunch of sprints in 2012 and break into olympics in 2013.  One of them ideally being Alcatraz.  And then i looked up the requirements at the website.  You have to compete in another race first.  Not only that, but you have to come in first or second for your age group.  So i guess that's entirely out of the question.

Even if i did nothing but train, i don't see that i could be winning triathlons within a year.  I'm an athena.  I will probably always be an athena.  There are ten "Director's Choice" slots, but making it to Alcatraz seems like a complete impossibility.

I keep thinking about a video that i watched back in May about a young man who was obese and depressed and ran his weight off and got his life back on track.  It's very frustrating to me that my results were nowhere near the same.  I had a string of injuries, never lost weight, then gained more weight.  I know that it could have been worse, but i feel cheated.  Why can't i run faster? Longer?  Same question about my bike.  I don't care as much about my swim.  I'm swimming faster than ever, probably because my body is more buoyant than ever.  I don't want to win triathlons, i just want to be able to finish them.  I want to get my body back.  I'm scared to even try again.  I weigh even more now than last time around and have less money.  No one will train with me.  I'm hot just sitting here, let alone trying to go outside when the sun is up.

But i keep wondering.  Of course i can't succeed if i keep telling myself that i can't.  I read about people who thought they would never be able to finish a marathon or an ironman, about them realizing that they could do it.  They say that the reason people can't achieve things is because they tell themselves that they can't.  Tell that to my high school self, who worked her ass off but had coaches and teammates intent on tearing her down every day.  No one is ever going to tell me that i can do this, and even if they did, i wouldn't believe them.  I have to tell myself.  I just don't know how to get from here to there.