i have been avoiding writing. What is there to say that hasn't been said before? This is why i don't journal anymore, why i don't go to church, because i am tired of pursuing God without reciprocation. i'm tired of doubting God, of being mad at Him for not keeping His promises, for feeling guilty because i'm mad at Him, because i am weak, because i am not doing enough to serve Him. i am exhausted.
i also think that i no longer believe in corporate worship as it largely exists in the U.S. today. In Acts and Roman it seems to me that the Spirit moves most powerfully in homes, not in a church building. Why should we spend so much on a building, on having a fake garden on stage, on the church workers, when we could meet in homes, at parks, and send all of that money to people who desperately need it for food, housing, clothing, health care? It feels like a vicious cycle when so few serve and are forced to do all the work. But i don't know how to find people who want to worship in the same way i do, who feel called to serve, to change the looming fate of a nation. Maybe it's too late, maybe Jesus' return is right around the corner, but i still struggle to be the optimist and fight against the pessimism that i am flooded with when i attend a worship service where so few sing and the sermon is about jokes instead of God's truth.
Quitting college has been such a relief for me. i never wanted to attend Mesa State, i never felt like i fit in there, that it was the right place, but i haven't known what else to do, where else to go. It kills me that i cannot support myself and that my life seems to be going nowhere. But as much as i appreciate my new freedom my loneliness has only become more pronounced. At school i had a few classmates that i connected with, and i would talk to them, see them three times a week. Right after i quit classes i started talking to RobG more, as i relieve him as MCO, but he complains a lot, and we have little in common. My granparents have finally been moved into assisted living (praise God) and i have an empty house with a cat that only barely tolerates me. So i am not paying my own way, i'm in so much debt from going to a school that was a waste of time, i have no friends, and now i'm thinking about moving cross country and going deeper into debt?
It's scary, to feel like God wants me to go to Florida on a whim, on faith, when at the same time i feel like he hasn't been providing for me. i've been forced to live off the charity of others, which is very humbling and annoying. All i've wanted to do is work towards and fight for my future, but the way is shut. i feel like i'm caged. But now there's the possibility of me moving towards something, and i have no doubt that i would excel at it, but is that what God wants for me? It's intimidating. And right now i would give up all my dreams in pursuit of the one that i have wanted longest of all.
My biological clock has been ticking. That sounds so stupid, but i knew when i was three that i wanted to be a mother and throughout my entire childhood all of my play was geared towards marriage and starting a family, whether i was playing with Barbies, Legos, Star Trek figurines, or Hot Wheels. i thought that my life would be set once i turned eighteen, that i would meet the boy of my dreams and we would get married and life would be perfect. Yes, eighteen was the magic number to me, the magic age, but here i am, twenty-five, and i've never even been on a date, or been kissed, had a chance to fall in love. i've always felt somehow guilty for it, to want this--love, marriage, pregnancy, children--so very much, to read the pregnancy books that were sprinkled throughout the house, to want every movie/show to have a romance with a happy ending. i have tried to hide it, tried to ignore it, but i feel it with all that i am. Even more than i want to make films, write books, change the world, i want this.
i know it stems from the fact that i have always felt that i could never do anything to make my father proud of me, because what i want to achieve he doesn't understand, and also because i am not good enough at the things he cares about. i know that it is because my Mom spent ten years praying for another baby, because she homeschooled me and brought me up in the Word. i know that i am rebeling against the feminists in the family, to not want to become a matriarch, to want nothing more than a good man who will take care of me, to submit to. And i also know that letting most guys know that you want to get married and start a family right away scares them away immediately, but i've never even had the chance to do that. The guys i have expressed interest in either ignored me, pushed me away, or were unavailable. No one has ever asked me on a date, and i don't believe in changing myself to make myself more appealing, flirting or dressing provacatively. But i wonder why i am always alone, rejected by peers, and outsider. Like Meredith on Thanksgiving on Grey's Anatomy, i feel as if my presence at a party is a downer, is not welcome exactly not welcome necessarily, but as if things are better without me and my baggage.
When i was eighteen i felt that having a family right away was necessarily something that had to happen for me immediately, that i would enjoy living as a married couple for a while, working towards a career for a little while maybe, and seeing the world with my husband. But it has been seven years now, and i still haven't found a book or screenplay to write, i still can't support myself (let alone a child), i still haven't met my husband, and for all my efforts i feel farther away from God than ever. i do not mind so much about not dating, because i have always known that i am not the shopping around type; i want to meet my imzadi and i want to spend the rest of my life with him, with that one man. And right now (in particular) i am glad that i'm not dating because i think i would find it very hard to remain sexually pure. It's like Elizabeth says in Dead Man's Chest: "I'm so ready to be married."
Twenty-five years of virginity is no easy thing, especially when you feel like you're the only one in the universe who's saving yourself, who's waiting for marriage, and certain coworkers think such a thing is unnatural, is freakish. i don't know how to not believe what i do, but it's not easy being alone, especially when i feel like i'm only half a person, incomplete. To me, it seems the most important thing in life (after serving God) is marriage, to fill the earth and subdue it, but what is left to subdue on this planet? And no matter how advanced our science has become we can only fill the earth when a man's dna interacts with a woman's.
i hate sounding like a depressed whiner drama queen. But how could i honestly wish to stop feeling things so deeply, when they are the very propensities that make me me? My empathy is what i hope to save, my anger and despair to destroy. But i don't know how to live my life alone, to live my life at all. i have always known that a am nothing without God, that i will certainly fail if i try to do anything in my own power. i cannot be an astronaut, or a pirate, or a rebel fighter, but those are the things that inspire me, to explore, to fight for what is right against all odds, to die for what you believe in if need be. i am so much smaller as an individual in comparison to the hope and promise that God has given me. It's hard to reconcile the dark and hope that i am overwhelmed with at the same time, but they are as surely as I Am.
i don't feel worthy of God's love, the faith that He has displayed in me. Sometimes i wish i could turn my back on Him, the pain, on my life. But if like is devoid of hope, devoid of Him, then how much worse would death be, an eternity without Him? i cannot fathom the boundless nature of the universe, how God always was and is and will be, how my soul is just as deathless. i do not fear death, neither do i want it, it does not hold sway over me. But the dark... i don't know how to get free of it. i don't know if i'm supposed to. i don't think i can. i feel helpless, and my hope is in God. He seems to believe that i can get through this, i'm not so sure.
i don't know how to be normal, or act like the world is fine. Nothing is fine. The world is sinful, war feels safer than peace, because peace would mean the end to so many freedoms. Nothing makes sense. i don't know how to tell anyone about God when i don't understand what He's doing myself and when it is deemed offensive by the media that i am surrounded with. Christianity, the denial of self, purity, are foreign concepts to the world. i try to stand apart, but it's unbelievably hard and painful. More than anything, i cannot fake normalcy anymore, i cannot play that game, but i don't know how to be true to God anymore, either. i feel as if i am at the end of a battle where all hope is lost and i cannot surrender but i cannot find the strength to fight, either.
It's hard for me to express this without sounding depressed or holier than thou. i'm not perfect, i'm sinful, and i fight against my sin nature while simultaneously wanting to give in to it. More than anything, i want to always follow God's perfect will, but i don't know if i'm strong enough... No, i know i'm not strong enough. i pray for strength, i pray for deliverance, but i don't know what will happen. Sometimes i wonder if i've got a chemical imbalance in my head, but i know that the spiritual forces i sometimes sense are really there, fighting over this nation's future, the world. i don't care if i don't play a big part in it so much as i care about doing God's will. If he would let me then i think i would be content to be a nameless individual with a husband and family, but somehow i've always known that it wasn't to be. i wish i were wrong, i hope that i can still have those things, but it's up to Him. And that makes me sad and hopeful at the same time.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
i saw Pirates of the Caribbean at World's End!
The last time around i was more than a little surprised and at first i wasn’t sure if i liked or disliked the movie. i was so mad when Elizabeth kissed Jack, absolutely irate, not because of what happened to Jack, but because of what it did to Will. It gave Jack a chance to show his bold side, even if he hadn’t chosen that course of action. But Dead Man’s Chest gradually grew on me, for all it’s silliness and over the top humor, i couldn’t help but appreciate it the more i saw it.
This film has a surprise ending but without the negative shock value of the last, even though it is sad. i don’t think that i would have chosen this ending, and i’m actually surprised that i didn’t figure out the twist sooner, but i am still content with the film, even with how the Will/Elizabeth relationship is concluded. With more Jack than i was expecting i would have thought that the movie would seem more ridiculous, but somehow it worked for me. Norrington and Governor Swan come to satisfying conclusions for me as well, though also sad.
There is a lot more piracy going on in this film, even Will and Elizabeth start taking part in the back stabbing. The battles and locations are awe inspiring on a new scale, and even the lunacy seems to make sense. But not everything is fun and games this time around, everyone seems more serious. i feel so badly for Davy Jones in the end! For a while i wasn’t sure who i should root for, who i wanted to win, how i wanted things to end up, because the only noble ending was sad for so many beloved characters. Who would have ever thought i would be rooting for pirates anyway? i, for one, do not lack a moral center, but here the edges are blurred, the plotlines intertwined, i am going to need another viewing or two to take it all in and figure it out. But i’ve discovered that seeing any ship be blown apart really takes it out of me, no matter which side is being defeated. The film provides and interesting twist on pirate history and brings it around for a good conclusion while leaving the possibilities open for more sequels…
p.s. When you see it don’t forget to stay around for the “ten years later” at the end of the credits.
This film has a surprise ending but without the negative shock value of the last, even though it is sad. i don’t think that i would have chosen this ending, and i’m actually surprised that i didn’t figure out the twist sooner, but i am still content with the film, even with how the Will/Elizabeth relationship is concluded. With more Jack than i was expecting i would have thought that the movie would seem more ridiculous, but somehow it worked for me. Norrington and Governor Swan come to satisfying conclusions for me as well, though also sad.
There is a lot more piracy going on in this film, even Will and Elizabeth start taking part in the back stabbing. The battles and locations are awe inspiring on a new scale, and even the lunacy seems to make sense. But not everything is fun and games this time around, everyone seems more serious. i feel so badly for Davy Jones in the end! For a while i wasn’t sure who i should root for, who i wanted to win, how i wanted things to end up, because the only noble ending was sad for so many beloved characters. Who would have ever thought i would be rooting for pirates anyway? i, for one, do not lack a moral center, but here the edges are blurred, the plotlines intertwined, i am going to need another viewing or two to take it all in and figure it out. But i’ve discovered that seeing any ship be blown apart really takes it out of me, no matter which side is being defeated. The film provides and interesting twist on pirate history and brings it around for a good conclusion while leaving the possibilities open for more sequels…
p.s. When you see it don’t forget to stay around for the “ten years later” at the end of the credits.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
un
i don't know what to call this blog anymore. i've thought about going back to on fire, or dark fire, or refering to Enya's song Pilgrim, but i don't know what to call it anymore. A lot of thoughts and emotions have been rattling around in my head and heart over the past couple of weeks. For a while i was eager to hear news that my nephew had safely arrived. Then i was debating whether or not to keep attending Mesa State or apply at Full Sail. i've been working six days a week. i keep getting headaches from my allergies. Imus was fired. The shooting at Virginia Tech happened. Everything is unbelievable, i am undone, i am unashamed to say that i am afraid and worried and yet unconcerned and wanting to ignore it all. What am i supposed to say about so much evil and silliness and stress?
i have nothing to say. i have everything to say.
i was supposed to be writing a paper, but i couldn't, so instead i wrote a huge diatribe against high school and higher education in general. i don't know if i should publish it here or not, but it seemed clear to me at the time that i had no business going back to school. i couldn't write a stupid paper, i was exhuasted and sleep deprived and sick, so i stayed home for about a week, sleeping as if i were dead every morning. i worked so hard and felt so much that i couldn't even think of trying to go to school. And by the time that was all over it was really too late to return, i was guaranteed a C at best in all my classes, most of which i was already barely scraping a C, and i just couldn't decide whether or not i should go back to my teachers on my hands or knees or not.
Actually, that isn't quite true. i had decided with my diatribe, but i was miserable, fighting an inward battle, against what i wanted to do and what i should do. i figured out what my gpa would fall to if i got one c and three f's, two c's and two f's, three c's and one f's, so on and on, beyond hope of actual achievement, and realized that i would rather flunk all of my classes than continue the next five unbearable weeks only to achieve c's anyways in subjects that i knew were a waste of my time. i am not at school to get good grades, all though an A is something i always strive to attain, but my purpose in continuing my education is learning, and i have learned more at work and in real life over the past few semesters than i have in class.
Amid all of this i watched the Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions (the latter for only the second or third time ever) and identified strongly with Neo, who kept seeing Trinity falling. The Oracle told him: "We can't see past the choices we don't understand." Then on another tv show (i can't remember which one, which is so odd) one of the older characters said to one of the younger characters that choices are only painful when we've already made up our mind but haven't come to grips with the choice yet. So i finally decided that i should just follow my heart and not go back, was immediately filled with relief, and actually read a book instead of stressing about life. i won't default on my loans or be put on probation. i have next semester to bring my grades back up if that's what i choose. But it was stupid for me to work full time and do school full time at the same time, and i knew it, but i did it anyway. A man cannot serve two masters...
So life has been halfway normal, as normal as it can be when i work graveyards. The news has been ridiculous. Anna Nicole Smith's baby has a father finally. Imus get's fired for exercising his free speech, and he didn't even use any swear words (i'm not saying that he should have said what he did, but he's been saying inflammatory stuff on the air since before i was born). i can see that freedom of speech is going the way of the dinosaur. The shooting at Virginia Tech happens, and i can see that the right to bear arms is going to be next. That's why i'm so scared. i listen to Glenn Beck every morning as i leave work and totally agree with him, so what can i say here that he hasn't said already? This country is a ticking time bomb, and i can't figure out if it's terrorist who have their finger on the trigger, the media, or the politicians.
Does it matter? The world as we know it is still going to end. i can taste it in the water. i can smell it in the air. i can feel it on my skin. And it terrifies me. Is this why i'm single, why i'm not making babies? Woe to the women with child and breastfeeding... But i still want to get married and make lots of babies anyway. It's better to get married than to burn... And i know that i'm not being overdramatic. i know it's going to come because Jesus said it would in Matthew 24. And i don't care if i have to die for my beliefs, even though i've always believed that i will be raptured, it doesn't matter to me if the Tribulation starts tomorrow, or a hundred, or a thousand years from now. All i want to do is serve God in whatever way He wants me to.
And as if all the things in the news weren't enough to freak me out, last week when i was driving to work the moon was gold and then slowly went behind a cloud and it looked really freaky. And then when i got to work i saw a ufo. I'm not saying it was aliens or anything, it may have been ball lightning for all i know, but it was something unidentifiable. There was a blue ball of light that silently flew over my head and into the clouds, and the clouds flashed as if with unseen lightning, and it was gone. It all happened in just a couple of seconds, if i wouldn't have looked up when i did, i would have missed it. The ball moved so fast that i have no idea how big it was, i just know that it couldn't have been a plane or helicopter or satellite or anything i'd ever seen up close before.
So, now that everyone probably thinks that i'm certificable, that's what's going on with me. i've applied at Full Sail, i'm trying to save money, pay bills, live life. i don't know if i'll be moving to Florida come fall, but if i do i'll be closer to Megan (it's about a 4 1/2 hour drive according to Google). i'll miss my family of course. i'll be doing what i've dreamed about for so long. But it's up to God. All of it is.
i have nothing to say. i have everything to say.
i was supposed to be writing a paper, but i couldn't, so instead i wrote a huge diatribe against high school and higher education in general. i don't know if i should publish it here or not, but it seemed clear to me at the time that i had no business going back to school. i couldn't write a stupid paper, i was exhuasted and sleep deprived and sick, so i stayed home for about a week, sleeping as if i were dead every morning. i worked so hard and felt so much that i couldn't even think of trying to go to school. And by the time that was all over it was really too late to return, i was guaranteed a C at best in all my classes, most of which i was already barely scraping a C, and i just couldn't decide whether or not i should go back to my teachers on my hands or knees or not.
Actually, that isn't quite true. i had decided with my diatribe, but i was miserable, fighting an inward battle, against what i wanted to do and what i should do. i figured out what my gpa would fall to if i got one c and three f's, two c's and two f's, three c's and one f's, so on and on, beyond hope of actual achievement, and realized that i would rather flunk all of my classes than continue the next five unbearable weeks only to achieve c's anyways in subjects that i knew were a waste of my time. i am not at school to get good grades, all though an A is something i always strive to attain, but my purpose in continuing my education is learning, and i have learned more at work and in real life over the past few semesters than i have in class.
Amid all of this i watched the Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions (the latter for only the second or third time ever) and identified strongly with Neo, who kept seeing Trinity falling. The Oracle told him: "We can't see past the choices we don't understand." Then on another tv show (i can't remember which one, which is so odd) one of the older characters said to one of the younger characters that choices are only painful when we've already made up our mind but haven't come to grips with the choice yet. So i finally decided that i should just follow my heart and not go back, was immediately filled with relief, and actually read a book instead of stressing about life. i won't default on my loans or be put on probation. i have next semester to bring my grades back up if that's what i choose. But it was stupid for me to work full time and do school full time at the same time, and i knew it, but i did it anyway. A man cannot serve two masters...
So life has been halfway normal, as normal as it can be when i work graveyards. The news has been ridiculous. Anna Nicole Smith's baby has a father finally. Imus get's fired for exercising his free speech, and he didn't even use any swear words (i'm not saying that he should have said what he did, but he's been saying inflammatory stuff on the air since before i was born). i can see that freedom of speech is going the way of the dinosaur. The shooting at Virginia Tech happens, and i can see that the right to bear arms is going to be next. That's why i'm so scared. i listen to Glenn Beck every morning as i leave work and totally agree with him, so what can i say here that he hasn't said already? This country is a ticking time bomb, and i can't figure out if it's terrorist who have their finger on the trigger, the media, or the politicians.
Does it matter? The world as we know it is still going to end. i can taste it in the water. i can smell it in the air. i can feel it on my skin. And it terrifies me. Is this why i'm single, why i'm not making babies? Woe to the women with child and breastfeeding... But i still want to get married and make lots of babies anyway. It's better to get married than to burn... And i know that i'm not being overdramatic. i know it's going to come because Jesus said it would in Matthew 24. And i don't care if i have to die for my beliefs, even though i've always believed that i will be raptured, it doesn't matter to me if the Tribulation starts tomorrow, or a hundred, or a thousand years from now. All i want to do is serve God in whatever way He wants me to.
And as if all the things in the news weren't enough to freak me out, last week when i was driving to work the moon was gold and then slowly went behind a cloud and it looked really freaky. And then when i got to work i saw a ufo. I'm not saying it was aliens or anything, it may have been ball lightning for all i know, but it was something unidentifiable. There was a blue ball of light that silently flew over my head and into the clouds, and the clouds flashed as if with unseen lightning, and it was gone. It all happened in just a couple of seconds, if i wouldn't have looked up when i did, i would have missed it. The ball moved so fast that i have no idea how big it was, i just know that it couldn't have been a plane or helicopter or satellite or anything i'd ever seen up close before.
So, now that everyone probably thinks that i'm certificable, that's what's going on with me. i've applied at Full Sail, i'm trying to save money, pay bills, live life. i don't know if i'll be moving to Florida come fall, but if i do i'll be closer to Megan (it's about a 4 1/2 hour drive according to Google). i'll miss my family of course. i'll be doing what i've dreamed about for so long. But it's up to God. All of it is.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
brainwashed?
Tonight Nightline opened with the story Teens Rally Against an 'Un-Christian' Culture. i like Nightline because it's less one-sided than most news programs. The MCO i relieve stuck around for about ten minutes to watch the story, and at the end he said that the young woman being interviewed--Charlotte Rose Hamilton--was "so brainwashed" when she's talking about having hope and being important to God, if no one else.
That's brainwashed?
Also near the end of the story are the gay protestors, holding up signs, and a man on a blowhorn saying that these Christians are hateful. The reporter says that the Christians are under fire for being "anti-gay and anti-Pro-Choice"... The gay man--Giovanni Jackson of World Can't Wait--was talking about bigotry, though it was clear that he did not want to hear any opionion but his own. He was obviously guilty of the very thing that he was accusing the Christians of being. He said that being anti-gay was not compatable with Christianity.
He's not brainwashed?
i will allow that the MCO in question seems to be gay (though he does not profess to be so, that is the general consensus), but does he consider me to be bigoted, hateful, brainwashed? i said that it is possible to be against gay marriage without hating gays, did he even hear me? i don't hate him, i don't hate gay people, i just don't understand why they are so insistant that no one be allowed to espouse beliefs that are contrary to their own. Are they afraid of hearing the arguments, of having their opinion changed? If they honestly feel that way then why do they hide their beliefs, work so hard to silence others? Can their ideals not withstand a little testing?
These conferences are about giving up the sinful things in life, which is good, but to a certain extent it seemed like they were willing to give the entire entertainment industry to Satan and i'm not willing to do that. There are certainly movies and songs and tv shows out there with overwhelmingly vile elements; how then can you just choose to ignore them? It is my argument that the industry must be changed like any human being is, from the inside out. Hate the sin, not the sinner. Christians should stop consuming the trash, but that is only one step in the battle.
The idea that Christianity is not anit-homosexuality is completely false. The Law is clear that it is sinful for a man to lay with another man, or a woman to lay with another woman (Leviticus 18:22, 20:13). God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because of their prevalent homosexuality. In this situation a mob of men came to rape the angels who were staying in Lot's house, and the angels had to practically drag Lot and his family out of town so that they wouldn't also be destroyed (Genesis 19).
It's not P.C. to say that God will destroy a country for its sin but at the same time it's hard to believe that He hasn't already. If you read the Bible you can see His causing death and war because of immorality, why hasn't he here? i personally don't think that this country will last my lifetime without another Awakening and massive changes in the government. There are a lot of hard questions about what our country is doing in the world that i don't know how to answer anymore... Is it right for us to be in Iraq? i have no doubt that what we are doing there has ended the reign of a corrupt man presiding over his own holocaust, but should any country force their beliefs and ideals on another? We cannot save ever country in the world from the ills that consume them. Maybe this is yet another example of something that should be handled by much prayer and by sending in missionaries, not soldiers. But upon studying the history of this country one is overwhelmed by the stain of how the native americans and slaves were treated in our own past. It's hard to reconcile. i don't think i'm equipped to deal with it at present.
That's brainwashed?
Also near the end of the story are the gay protestors, holding up signs, and a man on a blowhorn saying that these Christians are hateful. The reporter says that the Christians are under fire for being "anti-gay and anti-Pro-Choice"... The gay man--Giovanni Jackson of World Can't Wait--was talking about bigotry, though it was clear that he did not want to hear any opionion but his own. He was obviously guilty of the very thing that he was accusing the Christians of being. He said that being anti-gay was not compatable with Christianity.
He's not brainwashed?
i will allow that the MCO in question seems to be gay (though he does not profess to be so, that is the general consensus), but does he consider me to be bigoted, hateful, brainwashed? i said that it is possible to be against gay marriage without hating gays, did he even hear me? i don't hate him, i don't hate gay people, i just don't understand why they are so insistant that no one be allowed to espouse beliefs that are contrary to their own. Are they afraid of hearing the arguments, of having their opinion changed? If they honestly feel that way then why do they hide their beliefs, work so hard to silence others? Can their ideals not withstand a little testing?
These conferences are about giving up the sinful things in life, which is good, but to a certain extent it seemed like they were willing to give the entire entertainment industry to Satan and i'm not willing to do that. There are certainly movies and songs and tv shows out there with overwhelmingly vile elements; how then can you just choose to ignore them? It is my argument that the industry must be changed like any human being is, from the inside out. Hate the sin, not the sinner. Christians should stop consuming the trash, but that is only one step in the battle.
The idea that Christianity is not anit-homosexuality is completely false. The Law is clear that it is sinful for a man to lay with another man, or a woman to lay with another woman (Leviticus 18:22, 20:13). God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because of their prevalent homosexuality. In this situation a mob of men came to rape the angels who were staying in Lot's house, and the angels had to practically drag Lot and his family out of town so that they wouldn't also be destroyed (Genesis 19).
It's not P.C. to say that God will destroy a country for its sin but at the same time it's hard to believe that He hasn't already. If you read the Bible you can see His causing death and war because of immorality, why hasn't he here? i personally don't think that this country will last my lifetime without another Awakening and massive changes in the government. There are a lot of hard questions about what our country is doing in the world that i don't know how to answer anymore... Is it right for us to be in Iraq? i have no doubt that what we are doing there has ended the reign of a corrupt man presiding over his own holocaust, but should any country force their beliefs and ideals on another? We cannot save ever country in the world from the ills that consume them. Maybe this is yet another example of something that should be handled by much prayer and by sending in missionaries, not soldiers. But upon studying the history of this country one is overwhelmed by the stain of how the native americans and slaves were treated in our own past. It's hard to reconcile. i don't think i'm equipped to deal with it at present.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Deathly Hallows news!!!
The cover for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows has been released!!! i didn't expect to get to see it for at least a couple more weeks! As i predicted, the Harry Potter logo in the title is in red but the cover is way more colorful than i expected... i expected it to be in the same vein as OotP and HBP's, with a single predominate shade of dark grey. See the cover here!
Monday, March 26, 2007
i am a virgin, part 3
So maybe i am not so correct as i assume. Maybe it isn't Dad who doesn't know how to show affection properly. Maybe it is me who doesn't. i find myself acting like my father more often than i would like to, and sometimes it's not in a bad way. i do the same things to the kids that he used to with me, roughhousing, tickling, hanging them upside down. They seem to like it. i think that i just didn't always trust him to be showing me that sort of camaraderie.
i have been shut down emotionally. i grew up scared of Dad, for good reason, but i didn't trust him like a little girl is meant to trust her father, i took things harder than anyone else. He told me not to cry, so i wouldn't. i've since relearned how to cry; i cry a lot. i cry watching sappy commercials, heartwrenching movies, and during difficult family conversations about Grandma and Grandad. i cry about things that make me so happy that i don't know how to breathe for the hope and promise of it. i cry about things i have lost or am losing. i cry because i am lonely and overwrought. i cry too much for some people, just like my mother and my Grandma. This is how i was made to be, it is my genetics and soul and life intermingled.
But i still don't know how to show affection towards other adults in a healthy way. i am a virgin, i've never dated, i don't have any friends, i lost all my coworkers when i was promoted, classmates are rarely seen after one semester, and my world is always in chaos. How is a person supposed to work full time and school full time and finish their homework and have healthy relationships and get any sleep? i don't think it's possible.
A couple of weeks ago on Grey's Anatomy Cristina was having an engagement crisis and spent the night with "her person," Meredith. Not only did they spend the night in the same bed (as nonsexual friends) but they spooned... which i don't even do with my sister or my mother, the only two people i would consider to be "my person." They're both married and have obligations elsewhere, but they're probably the two people on this planet that i show the most physical affection to that are adults. But i don't feel comfortable kissing my sister, or holding her hand, or even hugging her sometimes. i don't know why that is, we just aren't physical at all, and i hate it. Sometimes i lay my head on my mom's shoulder or hug her because i miss being able to crawl into her lap or hold her hand. The funny thing is that when i was a kid i couldn't become old enough to stop holding her hand fast enough in my opinion of the time. Oh how things change.
Drat, i have to go to class. i've been wanting to write this all weekend.
i have been shut down emotionally. i grew up scared of Dad, for good reason, but i didn't trust him like a little girl is meant to trust her father, i took things harder than anyone else. He told me not to cry, so i wouldn't. i've since relearned how to cry; i cry a lot. i cry watching sappy commercials, heartwrenching movies, and during difficult family conversations about Grandma and Grandad. i cry about things that make me so happy that i don't know how to breathe for the hope and promise of it. i cry about things i have lost or am losing. i cry because i am lonely and overwrought. i cry too much for some people, just like my mother and my Grandma. This is how i was made to be, it is my genetics and soul and life intermingled.
But i still don't know how to show affection towards other adults in a healthy way. i am a virgin, i've never dated, i don't have any friends, i lost all my coworkers when i was promoted, classmates are rarely seen after one semester, and my world is always in chaos. How is a person supposed to work full time and school full time and finish their homework and have healthy relationships and get any sleep? i don't think it's possible.
A couple of weeks ago on Grey's Anatomy Cristina was having an engagement crisis and spent the night with "her person," Meredith. Not only did they spend the night in the same bed (as nonsexual friends) but they spooned... which i don't even do with my sister or my mother, the only two people i would consider to be "my person." They're both married and have obligations elsewhere, but they're probably the two people on this planet that i show the most physical affection to that are adults. But i don't feel comfortable kissing my sister, or holding her hand, or even hugging her sometimes. i don't know why that is, we just aren't physical at all, and i hate it. Sometimes i lay my head on my mom's shoulder or hug her because i miss being able to crawl into her lap or hold her hand. The funny thing is that when i was a kid i couldn't become old enough to stop holding her hand fast enough in my opinion of the time. Oh how things change.
Drat, i have to go to class. i've been wanting to write this all weekend.
Friday, March 23, 2007
That's a Bad Word?
I work from eleven p.m. to seven a.m. Monday through Friday. It’s my habit to have the radio on whenever I’m driving, and I’m usually tuned in to 1100 KNZZ because I like to hear the news and several of the conservative talk shows. Lately I’ve been extra eager to hear the radio on right after I get off work because the first hour of the Glenn Beck program is now on the air.
Glenn Beck has quickly become my favorite talk show host. He is so irreverent, so funny, and his politics are usually exactly aligned with my own. I haven’t listened to him for a long time relatively speaking, on an off for just over two years now. I was introduced to him three winters ago because his show would be on KNZZ when I would leave Powderhorn to drive home. For a while he wasn’t on anymore, and then they cut out his third hour, but now he’s on for three hours, oddly arranged as one hour in the morning and two hours in the afternoon. So I love to tune in every morning after a long night’s work and be greeted with his trademark, “Hello, you sick, twisted freak.”
This morning a caller wanted to talk about the post-9/11 requirements of photo i.d.’s for everyone. He was trying to compare it to something that the Nazis had done, but he wouldn’t say the word Nazi on the air: he claimed that the call screener had told him not to. I guess he was referring to the requirement that all the Jewish people had to get i.d.’s leading up to World War II and wear the Star of David. Beck asked, “That’s a bad word?” and kicked the guy off the air after confirming with his screener that she had not nixed the term Nazi.
What I’m babbling towards in a round about way is the tendency for people to say a word is bad when it isn’t. I remember hearing on the radio about a high school English teacher being fired because she read the word “niggardly” aloud in class and explained what it meant (“stingy” from Old Norse). I remember during the 2004 debates when Kerry demanded that Bush not call him a liberal. In both cases I found myself perplexed to the point of irritation.
Since when is liberal a bad word? According to dictionary.com “Liberalism is an ideology, philosophical view, and political tradition which holds that liberty is the primary political value.” We don’t use the word in that way any more; the new term for that ideology is Libertarianism. Liberalism has changed from the idea that everyone is equal with the same rights to something very different. A liberal education is something that’s good to have, but use that word for a politician, and even if they are a liberal, they apparently might become offended.
Why are people so hesitant to stand up for what they are? I embrace liberalism in the classical sense of the word, and though I do not share the ideals of the new form of liberalism, I do rigorously defend their rights to speak up for their beliefs, just as much as I defend the Conservatives’, Christians’, Environmentalists’, Polluters’, Socialists’, Libertarians’ right to freedom of speech. I am proud of being different, is there anything wrong with that? Since when is saying what you believe wrong?
Glenn Beck has quickly become my favorite talk show host. He is so irreverent, so funny, and his politics are usually exactly aligned with my own. I haven’t listened to him for a long time relatively speaking, on an off for just over two years now. I was introduced to him three winters ago because his show would be on KNZZ when I would leave Powderhorn to drive home. For a while he wasn’t on anymore, and then they cut out his third hour, but now he’s on for three hours, oddly arranged as one hour in the morning and two hours in the afternoon. So I love to tune in every morning after a long night’s work and be greeted with his trademark, “Hello, you sick, twisted freak.”
This morning a caller wanted to talk about the post-9/11 requirements of photo i.d.’s for everyone. He was trying to compare it to something that the Nazis had done, but he wouldn’t say the word Nazi on the air: he claimed that the call screener had told him not to. I guess he was referring to the requirement that all the Jewish people had to get i.d.’s leading up to World War II and wear the Star of David. Beck asked, “That’s a bad word?” and kicked the guy off the air after confirming with his screener that she had not nixed the term Nazi.
What I’m babbling towards in a round about way is the tendency for people to say a word is bad when it isn’t. I remember hearing on the radio about a high school English teacher being fired because she read the word “niggardly” aloud in class and explained what it meant (“stingy” from Old Norse). I remember during the 2004 debates when Kerry demanded that Bush not call him a liberal. In both cases I found myself perplexed to the point of irritation.
Since when is liberal a bad word? According to dictionary.com “Liberalism is an ideology, philosophical view, and political tradition which holds that liberty is the primary political value.” We don’t use the word in that way any more; the new term for that ideology is Libertarianism. Liberalism has changed from the idea that everyone is equal with the same rights to something very different. A liberal education is something that’s good to have, but use that word for a politician, and even if they are a liberal, they apparently might become offended.
Why are people so hesitant to stand up for what they are? I embrace liberalism in the classical sense of the word, and though I do not share the ideals of the new form of liberalism, I do rigorously defend their rights to speak up for their beliefs, just as much as I defend the Conservatives’, Christians’, Environmentalists’, Polluters’, Socialists’, Libertarians’ right to freedom of speech. I am proud of being different, is there anything wrong with that? Since when is saying what you believe wrong?
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Deathly Hallows news
According to the Leaky Cauldron HP DH has 784 pages. In case you're wondering, GoF has 734, OotP has 870, and HBP has 652.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
observations on going back to church
i should be working on homework, but i really, really don't feel like it.
i went to church last week for probably the first time since i started working full time. i chose to go to Canyon View again because i don't know where else to go, what time services start at other churches, etc. The first two songs i did not know but was appalled by how no one seemed to be singing them while i was trying to sing along. The music was not as good as usual: i don't like how there doesn't seem to be a predominant melody on stage, everyone is singing harmony or a descant. But it actually felt good to be back in church, and i think i know why.
i have been extremely let down by my recent church-going experiences. Music is definitely an important part of the experience, but more importantly to me i have expected to be fed by a message from the Word. Though the pastor at my parents' church harps on and on about the Word of God being infallible, all-important, he does not practice what he preaches. He takes his sermons from other ministers, not even taking the time to verify that what they teach is even Scripturally sound. There was one week where he said that Jesus' feet being annointed was the same time as his head being annointed (in events leading up to the crucifixion) when upon five minutes of searching it is clear that in one gospel that one happens directly before Palm Sunday, the other event just after Palm Sunday. Even further, i was finding it exceedingly depressing to go to church or read my Bible when nearly everything that i was hearing screamed out to me within: "Yes, i've done this, i know this, i've always persevered to follow this, so why is my life so horrible instead of the way He promises?"
And this week i realized... i've been looking for a church where i can get the most out of the experience. My entire life i've been part of the 10% that does 90% of the work, since before anyone (save maybe my parents) thought i was old enough to give at all, and i'm tired. i never really understood why it bothered me so much, but i've seen this same attitude for years in the lives of senior citizens and always felt betrayed by their presumption that they should not have to do any work any more, and how they always complained about it. And then i see this same pattern in me, i've burned out after only twenty-some years, how long did they serve? i feel ashamed. And i realized that usually i am refilled by serving at AWANA because i go expecting to give, not receive.
So on Sunday i did not go expecting to receive, but to give. To give what? All that i feel i can give right now, worship, and faith, and hope, and devotion. Those are all very hard for me now, are all sacrifices. i guess they always were, but they always felt easy before, and now i have this nagging voice screaming at me: "God always takes away your dreams, the things that bring you joy, and He always will..." That's what i'm so afraid of. None of my dreams have ever come to fruition, they're always torn apart, corrupted, taken away unfulfilled. i'm so scared that i'll never fall in love, get married, have children, write anything publishable, work in the film industry, do anything to justify my existence and the pain on the path i embraced. How do i keep trusting God with this overwhelming fear? i gave Him everything, only to have my heart broken, how do i continue to give Him everything? How do i continue to trust Him with abandon? i have for so long, and i'm still waiting, i'm still wondering how i got through the past seven+ years and still have not learned patience. i need patience. But i'm still too impatient to develop it.
i want to be delivered now, that's what i've always wanted. i never thought it would hurt too much for the end to justify what i've been through to get there, but now i'm not so sure. And the question i have to ask myself is can i forgive God, love God, serve God, even if He doesn't fulfill His promises? i don't know how to live apart from Him, let alone turn my back on Him, but how am i supposed to say "yes, Lord, yes, Lord, yes yes, Lord, amen," when it hurts so much?
People act like i am depressed, that i should cheer up, but that's not how i feel. i have embraced the chaos, accepted that i must go through to go forward and get out, that God has a plan, even in this overwhelming pressing darkness, and i know that i am only being realistic. How can one survive without God? When His face and voice and touch and love are hidden? How does one push past the overwhelming fear and continue to reach out to Him when all hope is lost? i cannot reach Him, He must reach me, how do i keep reaching? i cannot find my way out when i did not come here myself, i was dropped here, blindfolded, and all is alien. There is no door, there is no window, i am caged.
And then sometimes i realize that i must be held in the palm of His hand like in Isaiah, held so tightly that an imprint is left. But i do not feel Him, i am not always so optimistic. What must He be shielding me from?...
i went to church last week for probably the first time since i started working full time. i chose to go to Canyon View again because i don't know where else to go, what time services start at other churches, etc. The first two songs i did not know but was appalled by how no one seemed to be singing them while i was trying to sing along. The music was not as good as usual: i don't like how there doesn't seem to be a predominant melody on stage, everyone is singing harmony or a descant. But it actually felt good to be back in church, and i think i know why.
i have been extremely let down by my recent church-going experiences. Music is definitely an important part of the experience, but more importantly to me i have expected to be fed by a message from the Word. Though the pastor at my parents' church harps on and on about the Word of God being infallible, all-important, he does not practice what he preaches. He takes his sermons from other ministers, not even taking the time to verify that what they teach is even Scripturally sound. There was one week where he said that Jesus' feet being annointed was the same time as his head being annointed (in events leading up to the crucifixion) when upon five minutes of searching it is clear that in one gospel that one happens directly before Palm Sunday, the other event just after Palm Sunday. Even further, i was finding it exceedingly depressing to go to church or read my Bible when nearly everything that i was hearing screamed out to me within: "Yes, i've done this, i know this, i've always persevered to follow this, so why is my life so horrible instead of the way He promises?"
And this week i realized... i've been looking for a church where i can get the most out of the experience. My entire life i've been part of the 10% that does 90% of the work, since before anyone (save maybe my parents) thought i was old enough to give at all, and i'm tired. i never really understood why it bothered me so much, but i've seen this same attitude for years in the lives of senior citizens and always felt betrayed by their presumption that they should not have to do any work any more, and how they always complained about it. And then i see this same pattern in me, i've burned out after only twenty-some years, how long did they serve? i feel ashamed. And i realized that usually i am refilled by serving at AWANA because i go expecting to give, not receive.
So on Sunday i did not go expecting to receive, but to give. To give what? All that i feel i can give right now, worship, and faith, and hope, and devotion. Those are all very hard for me now, are all sacrifices. i guess they always were, but they always felt easy before, and now i have this nagging voice screaming at me: "God always takes away your dreams, the things that bring you joy, and He always will..." That's what i'm so afraid of. None of my dreams have ever come to fruition, they're always torn apart, corrupted, taken away unfulfilled. i'm so scared that i'll never fall in love, get married, have children, write anything publishable, work in the film industry, do anything to justify my existence and the pain on the path i embraced. How do i keep trusting God with this overwhelming fear? i gave Him everything, only to have my heart broken, how do i continue to give Him everything? How do i continue to trust Him with abandon? i have for so long, and i'm still waiting, i'm still wondering how i got through the past seven+ years and still have not learned patience. i need patience. But i'm still too impatient to develop it.
i want to be delivered now, that's what i've always wanted. i never thought it would hurt too much for the end to justify what i've been through to get there, but now i'm not so sure. And the question i have to ask myself is can i forgive God, love God, serve God, even if He doesn't fulfill His promises? i don't know how to live apart from Him, let alone turn my back on Him, but how am i supposed to say "yes, Lord, yes, Lord, yes yes, Lord, amen," when it hurts so much?
People act like i am depressed, that i should cheer up, but that's not how i feel. i have embraced the chaos, accepted that i must go through to go forward and get out, that God has a plan, even in this overwhelming pressing darkness, and i know that i am only being realistic. How can one survive without God? When His face and voice and touch and love are hidden? How does one push past the overwhelming fear and continue to reach out to Him when all hope is lost? i cannot reach Him, He must reach me, how do i keep reaching? i cannot find my way out when i did not come here myself, i was dropped here, blindfolded, and all is alien. There is no door, there is no window, i am caged.
And then sometimes i realize that i must be held in the palm of His hand like in Isaiah, held so tightly that an imprint is left. But i do not feel Him, i am not always so optimistic. What must He be shielding me from?...
Saturday, March 17, 2007
stuck in my head
Lord, grant that i may seek
rather to comfort than to be comforted
it is forgiving that one is forgiven
Lord, guide us
rather to love than to be loved
and it is by dying one awakens to eternal life
if you give love you will receive love
and it is by dying one awakens to eternal life
Lord, guide us
~ from Peacemaker as sung by Maire Brennan
This was originally written by St. Francis of Assisi as a prayer in French and is translated as:
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
rather to comfort than to be comforted
it is forgiving that one is forgiven
Lord, guide us
rather to love than to be loved
and it is by dying one awakens to eternal life
if you give love you will receive love
and it is by dying one awakens to eternal life
Lord, guide us
~ from Peacemaker as sung by Maire Brennan
This was originally written by St. Francis of Assisi as a prayer in French and is translated as:
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
i am a virgin, part 2
Since someone or someones who are reading are so curious, Dad has never abused me sexually, he simply does not understand what the proper way to show affection is. When i was twelve or thirteen he wanted to wrestle me on the front lawn after church (while i'm in a dress). Whenever he washes his hands he wants to wipe them on one of us instead of using a towel. While driving with me riding shotgun he wants to put his hand on my leg or thigh, which sounds wrong, and feels uncomfortable to me, but i know that he is only showing fatherly affection in the only way he knows how, and believe me, it is better than the alternative: when i was a kid he would show me his buggers and threaten to wipe them on me just to get reaction. He's a big kid in so many ways. He still wants to tickle me, still wants to kiss me on the lips in his slobbery way, and will not change no matter how many times i express my discomfort or annoyance. So i try to just let him do it because i know he's just trying to make me feel loved.
My real issues with Dad are his anger. i spent my entire childhood in fear because i never knew when or why he would get mad. i would try so hard to please him, to follow his rules, to be who he wanted me to be, and it was never enough. His anger paralyzes me. He would tell me not to cry or he would give me something to cry about. And then he would forget his anger and never think of it again. i do not think he knows how much he has hurt me in the past because he does not remember what he does when he's angry. And everything in my life has been affected by my relationship with him.
i am so grateful that God impressed upon me the need to save myself for marriage. Sometimes i get mad at Him because He has never let me get close to anyone, to any guy, and so i've never even had a chance to go too far. Being a virgin is easy when there is no one to be tempted to have sex with. And i am mad at God because i am still alone and yet i am still so grateful to Him because i know that if i weren't a Christian than i would have wasted my virginity trying to fill the hole left in my soul because my father has anger issues and i spent my childhood in fear and he still doesn't know how to express his love in a healthy way. i am so glad that i never made that mistake.
But at the same time i am emotionally stinted. i've had to relearn how to cry. i've had to struggle to allow/empower myself to free myself from other's flawed expectations of me and still struggle to siphon the good expectations from the harmful ones. None of this is clear cut. People, loved ones, family, hurt me all the time. How do i remain open without getting hurt or angry? How do i tell them to stuff it when they're unwittingly trying to destroy my life and who i am? How do i tell myself to stuff it when i know i am only being selfish and in some instances i should deny myself and serve instead?
This past week has been very hard for me. i've fluctuated between hope and despair. Yesterday i did something for Mom, Grandma, and Grandad, and as a result only got three or four hours of sleep. After i got off of work i wanted to do something for me, but also to please Dad, but i couldn't, i couldn't stretch that far, so i went home and slept all day instead. i am only one person, and i want to help others, but i feel like sometimes i suffer as a result. i don't want to be selfish or angry about helping others, but it's hard when i'm sleep deprived and in physical pain and feel like no one is looking out for me except for me.
People hurt me all the time and they don't even realize it, mean it, care that they've done it. It's so hard to forgive them over and over again when they never say "i'm sorry" or "good job" or "i love you," and the rare times that they do i feel as if they aren't being genuine because those words are so foreign to me that they can't possibly be real. i feel like i'm constantly screaming for attention and help but no one pays any attention and i don't know how anyone could help me. i feel like i'm drowning and can't swim any farther. i feel like i've been hanging onto a rope and can't let go but can't hold on any longer because i'm so tired and my hands are torn apart. i feel like i'm continually falling through an abyss. i feel like i am locked in a cage in the dark, cut off from the rest of the world and insulated from all light, all hope, except the few beams of light that sometimes break through. But i cannot hold onto light.
i don't feel like i am depressed, simply overwhelmed and alone. My life is flashing before my eyes as i'm living it, everything is going way too fast, and i feel frozen in time, helpless to change anything. i've never thought that i controled my own fate, i don't believe in fate, i believe in destiny and the God who created that destiny and will guide me to it if i let Him. i want to get married and have children so very much but i don't know if i'm ready. If my life feels so out of control now, how much more will it feel like that when i'm the one responsible for caring for my children? And what must it be like to share that responsibility with someone else that i haven't even met, who i do not know? It blows my mind. A couple hundred years ago i'd be an old maid with over half her life spent. In this century i am an emotionally unstable girl who hasn't finished growing up because of her childhood and because she's never been in love and cannot really interact with the world or form healthy friendships.
There is so much that i want to say, to tell the world, but it feels like no one ever listens to me. It feels like no one ever reads what i have written. It feels like no one wants to hear the truth and i will hurt others if i say it. It's ironic that i struggle between not wanting to hurt people who hurt me all the time and not caring one whit because i simply want to tell the truth because i'm sick of it being stuck inside, screaming to get out. i'm tired of being angry about people's lack of consideration and blatant stupidity and self-destruction. i want to encourage and help people when i can't even help myself and any encouragement i recieve is few and far between.
i'm struggling to digest so many things that i don't think that the average person is aware of. And i don't know if anyone can even understand what i'm going through, i've been trying to find someone, anyone, and i've never been successful. Something in me, that i can't even identify, sets me apart, even from other Christians, from family. i feel things deeply, see things that are hidden, struggle against forces that the rest of the world ignores. People try to get me to shut up but writing frees me from the darkness, from the Legion that wants my destiny to never be fulfilled. i cannot back down or turn away, i must keep on fighting, keep holding on, stand on the edge of failing forever. i cannot let that happen. i must still believe God, no matter what it costs me.
Does anyone out there understand? It's hard for me to put into words. It's hard for me to believe that anyone cares. It's hard for me to understand, let alone share. i am still struggling to serve God, no matter what He asks me to give up or become or rethink or forgive.
My real issues with Dad are his anger. i spent my entire childhood in fear because i never knew when or why he would get mad. i would try so hard to please him, to follow his rules, to be who he wanted me to be, and it was never enough. His anger paralyzes me. He would tell me not to cry or he would give me something to cry about. And then he would forget his anger and never think of it again. i do not think he knows how much he has hurt me in the past because he does not remember what he does when he's angry. And everything in my life has been affected by my relationship with him.
i am so grateful that God impressed upon me the need to save myself for marriage. Sometimes i get mad at Him because He has never let me get close to anyone, to any guy, and so i've never even had a chance to go too far. Being a virgin is easy when there is no one to be tempted to have sex with. And i am mad at God because i am still alone and yet i am still so grateful to Him because i know that if i weren't a Christian than i would have wasted my virginity trying to fill the hole left in my soul because my father has anger issues and i spent my childhood in fear and he still doesn't know how to express his love in a healthy way. i am so glad that i never made that mistake.
But at the same time i am emotionally stinted. i've had to relearn how to cry. i've had to struggle to allow/empower myself to free myself from other's flawed expectations of me and still struggle to siphon the good expectations from the harmful ones. None of this is clear cut. People, loved ones, family, hurt me all the time. How do i remain open without getting hurt or angry? How do i tell them to stuff it when they're unwittingly trying to destroy my life and who i am? How do i tell myself to stuff it when i know i am only being selfish and in some instances i should deny myself and serve instead?
This past week has been very hard for me. i've fluctuated between hope and despair. Yesterday i did something for Mom, Grandma, and Grandad, and as a result only got three or four hours of sleep. After i got off of work i wanted to do something for me, but also to please Dad, but i couldn't, i couldn't stretch that far, so i went home and slept all day instead. i am only one person, and i want to help others, but i feel like sometimes i suffer as a result. i don't want to be selfish or angry about helping others, but it's hard when i'm sleep deprived and in physical pain and feel like no one is looking out for me except for me.
People hurt me all the time and they don't even realize it, mean it, care that they've done it. It's so hard to forgive them over and over again when they never say "i'm sorry" or "good job" or "i love you," and the rare times that they do i feel as if they aren't being genuine because those words are so foreign to me that they can't possibly be real. i feel like i'm constantly screaming for attention and help but no one pays any attention and i don't know how anyone could help me. i feel like i'm drowning and can't swim any farther. i feel like i've been hanging onto a rope and can't let go but can't hold on any longer because i'm so tired and my hands are torn apart. i feel like i'm continually falling through an abyss. i feel like i am locked in a cage in the dark, cut off from the rest of the world and insulated from all light, all hope, except the few beams of light that sometimes break through. But i cannot hold onto light.
i don't feel like i am depressed, simply overwhelmed and alone. My life is flashing before my eyes as i'm living it, everything is going way too fast, and i feel frozen in time, helpless to change anything. i've never thought that i controled my own fate, i don't believe in fate, i believe in destiny and the God who created that destiny and will guide me to it if i let Him. i want to get married and have children so very much but i don't know if i'm ready. If my life feels so out of control now, how much more will it feel like that when i'm the one responsible for caring for my children? And what must it be like to share that responsibility with someone else that i haven't even met, who i do not know? It blows my mind. A couple hundred years ago i'd be an old maid with over half her life spent. In this century i am an emotionally unstable girl who hasn't finished growing up because of her childhood and because she's never been in love and cannot really interact with the world or form healthy friendships.
There is so much that i want to say, to tell the world, but it feels like no one ever listens to me. It feels like no one ever reads what i have written. It feels like no one wants to hear the truth and i will hurt others if i say it. It's ironic that i struggle between not wanting to hurt people who hurt me all the time and not caring one whit because i simply want to tell the truth because i'm sick of it being stuck inside, screaming to get out. i'm tired of being angry about people's lack of consideration and blatant stupidity and self-destruction. i want to encourage and help people when i can't even help myself and any encouragement i recieve is few and far between.
i'm struggling to digest so many things that i don't think that the average person is aware of. And i don't know if anyone can even understand what i'm going through, i've been trying to find someone, anyone, and i've never been successful. Something in me, that i can't even identify, sets me apart, even from other Christians, from family. i feel things deeply, see things that are hidden, struggle against forces that the rest of the world ignores. People try to get me to shut up but writing frees me from the darkness, from the Legion that wants my destiny to never be fulfilled. i cannot back down or turn away, i must keep on fighting, keep holding on, stand on the edge of failing forever. i cannot let that happen. i must still believe God, no matter what it costs me.
Does anyone out there understand? It's hard for me to put into words. It's hard for me to believe that anyone cares. It's hard for me to understand, let alone share. i am still struggling to serve God, no matter what He asks me to give up or become or rethink or forgive.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
shortest personality test...
i had taken this before, but couldn't choose which of two photos to use, and neither seemed to fit me. But i found this on my Mom's blog, and i took again, this time with a totally new choice i believe. This time it kinda fits...
| Your Personality Profile |
 You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong. |
Truth, Integrity, Love, Hope, Life
Today (or, rather, yesterday now) Glenn Beck was talking about honesty and integrity, which according to a new poll is the first thing voters look for in a candidate. He talked about when he came to a point in his life (during his mid-30's, i believe he said) in which he began to ask himself what contribution he had made to society. Then he points out Paris Hilton and Nicholle Richie and asked what contribution they have made... which in his opinion (and mine) is none at all.
i'd never been able to put my finger on this before, the way he said it. His arguement is that honesty and integrity are no longer held in high regard and it's true: this has plagued me my entire adult life. People are no longer rewarded for honesty, they're rewarded for taking credit for other's work. People no longer have integrity, they delight in living for the weekend, the party, the sex, the booze, the drugs. i am such a weirdo because i am honest, i do have integrity, and it constantly gets me into trouble. It gets President W into trouble, makes him hated by the world, but it's why i voted for him twice. This is why i love the movie V for Vendetta but could never explain it: some part of it elluded me. It wasn't only about freedom, it was about honesty and integrity, just as Val said, but i never could put it into words like Beck did... Beck the Mormon. Val the lesbian. V the terrorist. Evi the coward.
i'm so unhappy with my life. This week is spring break, and it almost feels normal, bearable. Trying to work all night, go to school the next day, and find time to sleep--let alone do my homework--it's not working. i'm overwhelmed, i'm so guilty because my schoolwork is suffering, but i don't know how to find the strength to do this. My schoolwork is boring, except for one class. i've already missed class so much this semester that i must attend ever single class in order to get an A in them (assuming that i get A's on all of my work). American Lit is totally uninspiring, the teacher in Geography puts me to sleep, Grammar is boring, and British Lit, the last class of the day, the one i have the least strength left over for, is my favorite. i always feel trapped like this by the time finals come around, but the entire semester? That's a new low, even for me.
i wish i wasn't in a dead end job. i wish i could follow my heart and pursue my dreams. Right now i really want to move to Orlando to attend Full Sail, but what if i get there and can't pay for it or can't keep up with the workload. i wouldn't be able to work, how could i get the money? Should i be going to school anymore at all, working towards a career? But what if i'm single for the rest of my life, would i be happy where i am now? No, i know the answer is no. How do i wait for a future that may never happen, hasn't happened in the past seven years, without feeling like i'm letting God down, sinning? Shouldn't i at least attempt to become a screenwriter, producer, director? i've gotten my liberal arts education here, now all i need is a major to specialize in, would it be a waste of money for me to change schools now? But i wouldn't have heard of Full Sail if it weren't for me being in the Art building every day last semester and i wouldn't actually be thinking about going if i hadn't had to take that flight in order to go to APFD's wedding.
Moving to Florida would take a leap of faith. i don't have the money if financial aid doesn't cover it, i'd have to find an apartment because they don't have dorms, i probably wouldn't be able to have a job because of their unusual class schedules... But i would be able to earn a Bacherlor of Science in two years time, would be learning at a pace that sounds perfect for me, would be working in the field that all my career dreams are hung on. i don't know how to talk about this with my parents, have no friends to ask, have family obligations that i'm not free from... And there's always a question of when i would go. May, July, August? Probably be better to work over the summer and go later, but i want to go as soon as possible.
i'm ready now, have been ready for what feels like so long, but if i'm to do this i have to get through the semester, and right now i don't know how to do that. How do i hold on? That's always the question for me, how to hold on. My hands are bloody and sting from wiping away my salty tears, but still i put on a smile and keep on trying. And now i sound depressed and self damaging or something, but i'm not, i'm just overwhelmed and still afraid of the dark. But i'm becoming numb to it all, which may be scariest of all... for the dark to become normal, the light no longer yearned for, believed in. i believe in God but i don't expect Him to rescue me. And then He sends me a song from my friend Amber, and still i don't believe it. Why would he leave the 99 for me when He hasn't already, after all this time?
i was talking to Him earlier tonight, singing the Kry's Take My Hand, asking Him for the hundredth time how i'm supposed to take a step towards Him when i can't see Him, how i'm supposed to take His hand when i never let go and can't find it in the dark. Is Full Sail what He wants for me or what i hope He wants for me? i don't know anymore. i was reading Dagger last night, updating it for the first time in three years, and the words still felt true, still felt powerful, and i don't have the faith to believe like that anymore. i've fallen so far, into this abyss, in this cage.
i still don't know what to do. If i can, i think i'll move to Orlando and go to school. If i can't, i might as well drop out and try to figure out what story i should be writing to get out of this job, to support myself. i have no stories anymore, why can't i write anymore? i think it's because i don't believe Him anymore, but then, i don't hear His voice. i miss the whisper so badly. Somehow, i must find the strength to get through this, but i still contend that i'm not strong enough on my own.
Friday night i started singing Nichole Nordeman's Oh Great God, it just popped into my head out of the blue, and i got mad at Him for a second. She won a contest to make her first CD and her lyrics don't reveal that she has understanding of the truth that i have known for over a decade... She sings, "There have been moments where I could not face Goliath on my own," when the reality is that we can never face Goliaths on our own. In To Know You she sings, "It might be easier to dream ~ but dreaming's not for me," how dare she! It's not easy to dream, it's never been easy to dream, and yet He asks us to. How do i continue to dream after all i have been through, how do i continue to take His hand and walk? i don't know if i really can anymore, and i'm so mad at myself for letting Him down like that, for giving up on Him. How dare i??? How dare i give up on my faith? But i don't know how to believe anymore, after all i've seen. i have walked my faith and talked my faith and been a fool for my faith and all for nothing. Do i take Him at His word again, believe that He will provide for me in Florida, the state i have never wanted to live in? It was one of my "Never"s, perhaps this truly is His will.
i'm trying to read my Bible again, i finally got through Numbers, it was so hard and i was beginning to think i never would. i made a stupid deal with Him that if i finished reading my Bible then He would have to make me an actress. i still haven't finished my Bible; i have about twelve books left. Maybe i should put my nose back to the stone. At least it's not depressing anymore.
i'd never been able to put my finger on this before, the way he said it. His arguement is that honesty and integrity are no longer held in high regard and it's true: this has plagued me my entire adult life. People are no longer rewarded for honesty, they're rewarded for taking credit for other's work. People no longer have integrity, they delight in living for the weekend, the party, the sex, the booze, the drugs. i am such a weirdo because i am honest, i do have integrity, and it constantly gets me into trouble. It gets President W into trouble, makes him hated by the world, but it's why i voted for him twice. This is why i love the movie V for Vendetta but could never explain it: some part of it elluded me. It wasn't only about freedom, it was about honesty and integrity, just as Val said, but i never could put it into words like Beck did... Beck the Mormon. Val the lesbian. V the terrorist. Evi the coward.
i'm so unhappy with my life. This week is spring break, and it almost feels normal, bearable. Trying to work all night, go to school the next day, and find time to sleep--let alone do my homework--it's not working. i'm overwhelmed, i'm so guilty because my schoolwork is suffering, but i don't know how to find the strength to do this. My schoolwork is boring, except for one class. i've already missed class so much this semester that i must attend ever single class in order to get an A in them (assuming that i get A's on all of my work). American Lit is totally uninspiring, the teacher in Geography puts me to sleep, Grammar is boring, and British Lit, the last class of the day, the one i have the least strength left over for, is my favorite. i always feel trapped like this by the time finals come around, but the entire semester? That's a new low, even for me.
i wish i wasn't in a dead end job. i wish i could follow my heart and pursue my dreams. Right now i really want to move to Orlando to attend Full Sail, but what if i get there and can't pay for it or can't keep up with the workload. i wouldn't be able to work, how could i get the money? Should i be going to school anymore at all, working towards a career? But what if i'm single for the rest of my life, would i be happy where i am now? No, i know the answer is no. How do i wait for a future that may never happen, hasn't happened in the past seven years, without feeling like i'm letting God down, sinning? Shouldn't i at least attempt to become a screenwriter, producer, director? i've gotten my liberal arts education here, now all i need is a major to specialize in, would it be a waste of money for me to change schools now? But i wouldn't have heard of Full Sail if it weren't for me being in the Art building every day last semester and i wouldn't actually be thinking about going if i hadn't had to take that flight in order to go to APFD's wedding.
Moving to Florida would take a leap of faith. i don't have the money if financial aid doesn't cover it, i'd have to find an apartment because they don't have dorms, i probably wouldn't be able to have a job because of their unusual class schedules... But i would be able to earn a Bacherlor of Science in two years time, would be learning at a pace that sounds perfect for me, would be working in the field that all my career dreams are hung on. i don't know how to talk about this with my parents, have no friends to ask, have family obligations that i'm not free from... And there's always a question of when i would go. May, July, August? Probably be better to work over the summer and go later, but i want to go as soon as possible.
i'm ready now, have been ready for what feels like so long, but if i'm to do this i have to get through the semester, and right now i don't know how to do that. How do i hold on? That's always the question for me, how to hold on. My hands are bloody and sting from wiping away my salty tears, but still i put on a smile and keep on trying. And now i sound depressed and self damaging or something, but i'm not, i'm just overwhelmed and still afraid of the dark. But i'm becoming numb to it all, which may be scariest of all... for the dark to become normal, the light no longer yearned for, believed in. i believe in God but i don't expect Him to rescue me. And then He sends me a song from my friend Amber, and still i don't believe it. Why would he leave the 99 for me when He hasn't already, after all this time?
i was talking to Him earlier tonight, singing the Kry's Take My Hand, asking Him for the hundredth time how i'm supposed to take a step towards Him when i can't see Him, how i'm supposed to take His hand when i never let go and can't find it in the dark. Is Full Sail what He wants for me or what i hope He wants for me? i don't know anymore. i was reading Dagger last night, updating it for the first time in three years, and the words still felt true, still felt powerful, and i don't have the faith to believe like that anymore. i've fallen so far, into this abyss, in this cage.
i still don't know what to do. If i can, i think i'll move to Orlando and go to school. If i can't, i might as well drop out and try to figure out what story i should be writing to get out of this job, to support myself. i have no stories anymore, why can't i write anymore? i think it's because i don't believe Him anymore, but then, i don't hear His voice. i miss the whisper so badly. Somehow, i must find the strength to get through this, but i still contend that i'm not strong enough on my own.
Friday night i started singing Nichole Nordeman's Oh Great God, it just popped into my head out of the blue, and i got mad at Him for a second. She won a contest to make her first CD and her lyrics don't reveal that she has understanding of the truth that i have known for over a decade... She sings, "There have been moments where I could not face Goliath on my own," when the reality is that we can never face Goliaths on our own. In To Know You she sings, "It might be easier to dream ~ but dreaming's not for me," how dare she! It's not easy to dream, it's never been easy to dream, and yet He asks us to. How do i continue to dream after all i have been through, how do i continue to take His hand and walk? i don't know if i really can anymore, and i'm so mad at myself for letting Him down like that, for giving up on Him. How dare i??? How dare i give up on my faith? But i don't know how to believe anymore, after all i've seen. i have walked my faith and talked my faith and been a fool for my faith and all for nothing. Do i take Him at His word again, believe that He will provide for me in Florida, the state i have never wanted to live in? It was one of my "Never"s, perhaps this truly is His will.
i'm trying to read my Bible again, i finally got through Numbers, it was so hard and i was beginning to think i never would. i made a stupid deal with Him that if i finished reading my Bible then He would have to make me an actress. i still haven't finished my Bible; i have about twelve books left. Maybe i should put my nose back to the stone. At least it's not depressing anymore.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
i am a virgin
Yes, you read correctly, i am a twenty-five year old virgin, and i don't think there's anything wrong with it. i'm proud of it. And yet i wish that i weren't anymore: it's not that i want to have lost it in some one-night-stand, or had a dating relationship or crush that i would have realistically dreamed of letting get that far, i just assumed that i'd be married and be having kids by now. Never in my wildest dreams would i have suspected that i would a virgin at the age of twenty-five.
On Nightline a few nights ago was a story Teen Girls 'Date' Dad, Pledge Purity. i didn't watch it, but a coworker said that it was sick (as in unhealthy for people to save themselves, i think). The girls at the ball... most of them looked to be about twelve to fourteen years old to me. Upon reading the article it seems that experts are complaining because these girls aren't being educated about safe sex. They think that 88% of the teens will break their promises.
Upon looking up the word virgin at Yahoo Groups i did not find a single support group for virgins in the top 100 search results: most of the groups were for catholics or witches. So i looked up "virgin message board" and "virgin support group" on Google and once again found nothing: the top search results are always for Virgin Media in one form or another.
There was one message board thread where a twenty-five year old man said that he's a virgin and can't get women to pay attention to him. Most women said that was okay, most men said derogatory things and "hire a hooker," but one twenty-year-old guy said he was a virgin and had turned down women in the past and his girlfriends always respected him for that.
Virginity at Wikipedia linked to the Virgin Files, a fairly new blog written by a twenty-eight-year-old virgin, which is heavily populated with sex terminology and themes. Even though she is purportedly a virgin her mindset doesn't seem to be that she's trying to stay pure... i learned things there that i never wanted to know. She has quite a few comments considering how new her blog is.
It recently occurred to me (sometime within the past month) that i cannot be considered a prude imvho because no one has ever asked me out, dated me, kissed me, made a move, propositioned me, etc. i am not overly modest... i don't like showing my cleavage off but if i weighed about eight-five pounds less i do not think i'd have any inhibitions about showing a little tummy or wearing a bikini. i am simply not a flirt; i've tried letting guys know that i'm interested but without fail they are unavailable or uninterested. In an ideal situation i want the guy to be the initiator (which has been expounded upon to the point of boredom in this blog, i am sure). There was one guy who asked for my number one time (who was very fat) but upon calling me (once) he wanted to consider us to be going steady without even asking me on a date (once).
As to the question of sex drive... yes, i definitely have one. Looking at cute guys has turned me on from time to time, and in every case they were fully clothed, showing their chest at the most, or perhaps wearing a bathing suit. Lately i've found myself getting worked up over practically nothing, and i have no outlet for my passion. i have committed myself to not having any form of penetration (other than a tampon) until i'm married, so i don't get much satisfaction in bed. i don't look at photos of nude guys, or porn, and i try not to imagine being in bed with any real guy at all... which i must admit sometimes is very hard as my mind can have the tendency to run away on me.
But i have never wanted to be with a man outside the confines of a marriage relationship. After i get married i imagine that i'll be more adventurous in bed than some but not as adventerous as others. i happen to think that my sex drive is healthy and high, which can be very frustrating. i've never been kissed, held hands, let alone had an orgasm. The guy who's gotten farthest with me is my father (who for some reason doesn't know what the appropriate level of fatherly affection is). What upsets me the most is that i'm alone. i'm glad that i'm a virgin, there's no one in my past that i would have wanted to lose it to anyway, but i'm unhappy being single. i don't think i'm ugly, or unpleasant to be around, or clingy. i know i have my issues, but i'd like to think that i'm very low maintenance. It takes a lot to wound me to the point where i won't forgive you: all i ask for is a simple "i'm sorry."
i know i have my issues, i know i'm not perfect, but why am i alone when so many people out there aren't? Is it too much to ask for just one guy to spend the rest of my life with? i don't have to have kids right away, i just want a man to share the journey with, to be a helpmeet to. My mom always despairs that her daughters want to have a career but the truth is that i don't really want one, but if i never get married i have to support myself somehow and i certainly do not want to spend the rest of my life as a sub wrapper, or pizza deliverer, or MCO. My dream is to make an impact in the world, certainly, but i would be happy to simply be the mother or wife of the next Abraham Lincoln, or Martin Luther King Jr., or Billy Graham. i don't have to have a career, but i have a feeling that i will always be unhappy if i never fall in love, get married, and make kids.
On Nightline a few nights ago was a story Teen Girls 'Date' Dad, Pledge Purity. i didn't watch it, but a coworker said that it was sick (as in unhealthy for people to save themselves, i think). The girls at the ball... most of them looked to be about twelve to fourteen years old to me. Upon reading the article it seems that experts are complaining because these girls aren't being educated about safe sex. They think that 88% of the teens will break their promises.
Upon looking up the word virgin at Yahoo Groups i did not find a single support group for virgins in the top 100 search results: most of the groups were for catholics or witches. So i looked up "virgin message board" and "virgin support group" on Google and once again found nothing: the top search results are always for Virgin Media in one form or another.
There was one message board thread where a twenty-five year old man said that he's a virgin and can't get women to pay attention to him. Most women said that was okay, most men said derogatory things and "hire a hooker," but one twenty-year-old guy said he was a virgin and had turned down women in the past and his girlfriends always respected him for that.
Virginity at Wikipedia linked to the Virgin Files, a fairly new blog written by a twenty-eight-year-old virgin, which is heavily populated with sex terminology and themes. Even though she is purportedly a virgin her mindset doesn't seem to be that she's trying to stay pure... i learned things there that i never wanted to know. She has quite a few comments considering how new her blog is.
It recently occurred to me (sometime within the past month) that i cannot be considered a prude imvho because no one has ever asked me out, dated me, kissed me, made a move, propositioned me, etc. i am not overly modest... i don't like showing my cleavage off but if i weighed about eight-five pounds less i do not think i'd have any inhibitions about showing a little tummy or wearing a bikini. i am simply not a flirt; i've tried letting guys know that i'm interested but without fail they are unavailable or uninterested. In an ideal situation i want the guy to be the initiator (which has been expounded upon to the point of boredom in this blog, i am sure). There was one guy who asked for my number one time (who was very fat) but upon calling me (once) he wanted to consider us to be going steady without even asking me on a date (once).
As to the question of sex drive... yes, i definitely have one. Looking at cute guys has turned me on from time to time, and in every case they were fully clothed, showing their chest at the most, or perhaps wearing a bathing suit. Lately i've found myself getting worked up over practically nothing, and i have no outlet for my passion. i have committed myself to not having any form of penetration (other than a tampon) until i'm married, so i don't get much satisfaction in bed. i don't look at photos of nude guys, or porn, and i try not to imagine being in bed with any real guy at all... which i must admit sometimes is very hard as my mind can have the tendency to run away on me.
But i have never wanted to be with a man outside the confines of a marriage relationship. After i get married i imagine that i'll be more adventurous in bed than some but not as adventerous as others. i happen to think that my sex drive is healthy and high, which can be very frustrating. i've never been kissed, held hands, let alone had an orgasm. The guy who's gotten farthest with me is my father (who for some reason doesn't know what the appropriate level of fatherly affection is). What upsets me the most is that i'm alone. i'm glad that i'm a virgin, there's no one in my past that i would have wanted to lose it to anyway, but i'm unhappy being single. i don't think i'm ugly, or unpleasant to be around, or clingy. i know i have my issues, but i'd like to think that i'm very low maintenance. It takes a lot to wound me to the point where i won't forgive you: all i ask for is a simple "i'm sorry."
i know i have my issues, i know i'm not perfect, but why am i alone when so many people out there aren't? Is it too much to ask for just one guy to spend the rest of my life with? i don't have to have kids right away, i just want a man to share the journey with, to be a helpmeet to. My mom always despairs that her daughters want to have a career but the truth is that i don't really want one, but if i never get married i have to support myself somehow and i certainly do not want to spend the rest of my life as a sub wrapper, or pizza deliverer, or MCO. My dream is to make an impact in the world, certainly, but i would be happy to simply be the mother or wife of the next Abraham Lincoln, or Martin Luther King Jr., or Billy Graham. i don't have to have a career, but i have a feeling that i will always be unhappy if i never fall in love, get married, and make kids.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
vacation and musings
Last week was such a roller coaster for me. i don't know why, but for some reason it seemed very important to me to be able to go to Aunt Polly's wedding in California. i couldn't get time off work and i couldn't find a cheap flight that allowed for my scheduling needs, so i thought i wouldn't be able to go. i cried so hard. And then i went to work and at the last minute found a cheap flight online, for $260, as opposed to the $800-1200 flights i had found previously. i had to borrow my Grandma's credit card because they wouldn't take my debit card, and i had to drive to Denver, but i made it to the wedding.
The whole time in California i felt as if a weight had been lifted off me. i saw how far i was from where i want my life to be but i felt at peace. As soon as i got back to Grand Junction i felt the weight of the world again, but for one weekend it was bliss. i barely made it to work that night due to snow, and i still have to make up a test at college, but it was so worth it. Everything doesn't seem so impossible anymore.
i don't think i can stay in Grand Junction anymore. i don't feel like i truly belong at Mesa State or at KJ. It's not that i dislike my job, but school is boring me again, and i'm not really working towards the goals that i think God has for me. While waiting to board my flight home a woman in line struck up a conversation with me; when she heard i attended Mesa State she also turned out to be from Grand Junction, wanted to know my major and plans for life, and told me she has a daughter who went to an accelerated film school in Florida that i had heard of before. This entire trip reaffirmed for me how much i want to change my life before it's too late and so i don't end up being unhappy. And when i got back to class my professor who had flipped out about me missing that test wasn't upset anymore: he even told me in passing what i've always believed... all you need to do to learn how to become a good writer is read.
i have been casting about for my place in the world here, aimlessly searching for the place God has for me, and i don't feel at home here. i love my family so much, and i've even come to find beauty in the landscape that surrounds me, but i am not a Coloradan.
i think that the next couple of months will be a transition for me, i believe that God is going to lead me to where He wants me. Right now i am overwhelmed with my workload coupled with school. If i only had one or the other things would be fine, but i don't think that God wants me to be fine here. i think He wants to bless me beyond measure somewhere else. i hope He keeps showing me His will.
The whole time in California i felt as if a weight had been lifted off me. i saw how far i was from where i want my life to be but i felt at peace. As soon as i got back to Grand Junction i felt the weight of the world again, but for one weekend it was bliss. i barely made it to work that night due to snow, and i still have to make up a test at college, but it was so worth it. Everything doesn't seem so impossible anymore.
i don't think i can stay in Grand Junction anymore. i don't feel like i truly belong at Mesa State or at KJ. It's not that i dislike my job, but school is boring me again, and i'm not really working towards the goals that i think God has for me. While waiting to board my flight home a woman in line struck up a conversation with me; when she heard i attended Mesa State she also turned out to be from Grand Junction, wanted to know my major and plans for life, and told me she has a daughter who went to an accelerated film school in Florida that i had heard of before. This entire trip reaffirmed for me how much i want to change my life before it's too late and so i don't end up being unhappy. And when i got back to class my professor who had flipped out about me missing that test wasn't upset anymore: he even told me in passing what i've always believed... all you need to do to learn how to become a good writer is read.
i have been casting about for my place in the world here, aimlessly searching for the place God has for me, and i don't feel at home here. i love my family so much, and i've even come to find beauty in the landscape that surrounds me, but i am not a Coloradan.
i think that the next couple of months will be a transition for me, i believe that God is going to lead me to where He wants me. Right now i am overwhelmed with my workload coupled with school. If i only had one or the other things would be fine, but i don't think that God wants me to be fine here. i think He wants to bless me beyond measure somewhere else. i hope He keeps showing me His will.
HP7 observations
The cover for Order of the Phoenix was released about three months before the book was so... we'll have to wait until about April 21st for the cover of Deathly Hallows. My vote is that the cover will be charcoal grey with red letters.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Reflection #2
I have always wondered how it is decided what is the proper way to spell words. From my early grade school days I always remember that there are certain rules to follow, such as “I before E except after C.” But then there are words like weird, and their, and foreign, and a whole slew of words that don’t contain a C but do have E before I. It would sure look weird to spell weird with an “IE”, but it still breaks the rule.
Some words seem to have too many repeated letters. One has to memorize how to spell words such as Mississippi or embarrassment, the latter of which looks like it has too many R’s. For the former I never learned any rhyme or sentence to remember it; I only kept in mind that after M the only vowels are I’s, all of the consonants are doubled, and there are two sets of S’s. Some words are confusing to spell because they aren’t pronounced the way one thinks they should be. For instance, why is separate spelled with an “A” in the middle when I feel like it needs an “E” and people say it like “uh” (or the schwa sound)?
And then there are words that are two words put together that, when apart, sound like the complete opposite, an oxymoron. The word extraordinary is a good example: to me, when reading, it looks like something is very ordinary instead of above the ordinary. The phrase “all right” is usually used (in the circles I traverse) to indicate that something is only “okay”, and not necessarily wanted but must be accepted anyway.
In the United Kingdom they speak the same language we do but their words can sometimes mean different things. When I first started reading the Harry Potter books I had no idea why Harry and Ron would be wearing jumpers and what bogeys were… but Rowling meant sweaters and boogers. The British say “crisps” for “chips” and “biscuit” for “cookie”, “lift” for “elevator” and “flat” for “apartment.” They spell words differently, too. On the Dark Angel message board I used to frequent those from the UK would spell pajamas with a “Y” and add a “U” for words like honour, flavour, and savour, just to name a few. But on the other hand the English language also has different spellings for the same thing, too. I was taught that a boy is blond while a girl is blonde. No one can agree whether to spell the color (colour) gray or grey.
But even in America it depends on where one comes from when it comes to naming things. Most people around here call what I refer to as a Traffic Circle as a Roundabout. In Arizona we say Freeway while around here it is Interstate. When I was living in the Carolinas all of my friends thought that West was Ohio while to me West starts in Colorado and Ohio seems pretty far east to be called Central (of course, most of these friends were from Ohio, so their concept of the term is decidedly different). And then there are words out East that do not even enter into our dialogue, terms such as “Frou Frou,” which is everything that the modern day Southern Belle is about.
Words just make me wonder sometimes. Of course there are no answers to any of my questions and observations without much research, and all of my questions are merely rhetorical… but spelling and syntax sure does confuse things.
Some words seem to have too many repeated letters. One has to memorize how to spell words such as Mississippi or embarrassment, the latter of which looks like it has too many R’s. For the former I never learned any rhyme or sentence to remember it; I only kept in mind that after M the only vowels are I’s, all of the consonants are doubled, and there are two sets of S’s. Some words are confusing to spell because they aren’t pronounced the way one thinks they should be. For instance, why is separate spelled with an “A” in the middle when I feel like it needs an “E” and people say it like “uh” (or the schwa sound)?
And then there are words that are two words put together that, when apart, sound like the complete opposite, an oxymoron. The word extraordinary is a good example: to me, when reading, it looks like something is very ordinary instead of above the ordinary. The phrase “all right” is usually used (in the circles I traverse) to indicate that something is only “okay”, and not necessarily wanted but must be accepted anyway.
In the United Kingdom they speak the same language we do but their words can sometimes mean different things. When I first started reading the Harry Potter books I had no idea why Harry and Ron would be wearing jumpers and what bogeys were… but Rowling meant sweaters and boogers. The British say “crisps” for “chips” and “biscuit” for “cookie”, “lift” for “elevator” and “flat” for “apartment.” They spell words differently, too. On the Dark Angel message board I used to frequent those from the UK would spell pajamas with a “Y” and add a “U” for words like honour, flavour, and savour, just to name a few. But on the other hand the English language also has different spellings for the same thing, too. I was taught that a boy is blond while a girl is blonde. No one can agree whether to spell the color (colour) gray or grey.
But even in America it depends on where one comes from when it comes to naming things. Most people around here call what I refer to as a Traffic Circle as a Roundabout. In Arizona we say Freeway while around here it is Interstate. When I was living in the Carolinas all of my friends thought that West was Ohio while to me West starts in Colorado and Ohio seems pretty far east to be called Central (of course, most of these friends were from Ohio, so their concept of the term is decidedly different). And then there are words out East that do not even enter into our dialogue, terms such as “Frou Frou,” which is everything that the modern day Southern Belle is about.
Words just make me wonder sometimes. Of course there are no answers to any of my questions and observations without much research, and all of my questions are merely rhetorical… but spelling and syntax sure does confuse things.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Lady in the Water
i love Signs, i love the Village, and i thought this movie would not be nearly as good but i was wrong. This movie is incredible. i loved the humor, loved the story, felt for Hess, and was trying to guess what was going to happen next the entire the time. Shyamalan still has the ability to keep me guessing and amaze me with how touching and thought provoking and lovely his films are. i cannot wait for his next project.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Monday, February 05, 2007
Reflection #1
i wrote this for Structure of the English Language. We're supposed to write a sort of essay about words and how they work, affect us, influence our lives. i'm not sure this was what she wanted, but it's what came out. i've been thinking about it for a long time now; it's hard not to.
The human need for language is a tricky thing. Words can lift us up or crush us. Words can sooth or enrage. And sometimes words are not even necessary.
When I was a child I loved my grandfather. He never cursed, was never rude, and was always a gentleman. He said things a bit differently than we did. He calls lunch “dinner” and dinner “supper.” He never wore his seatbelt unless we begged him. He used big words and knew what he believed but he would never say anything derogatory about someone of another race.
When he would drive us places he would say something about the signs we passed. He liked to laugh and make jokes. He would mix up his consonants on purpose, call Jack in the Box “Back in the Jox” and Circle K would be pronounced “Kurkle Say.” On vacation he would always run into someone he knew. If he saw a photo of a vacation that happened decades ago he’d always be able to tell you what month and year that was and where the picture was taken.
He liked to pick us up by the ears. When he wanted to tell us that he loved us, he wouldn’t say the words, he would whisper in our ears a sound that’s heard to describe, full of “ps” and “sh” and breathy nothings. If we were feeling down he’d say “chirk up, honey pot.” He also like to play a game where he would blink one eye, then the other, and see how fast he could switch back and forth between eyes. He initiated staring contests. He did the crossword puzzle in the newspaper every day.
Grandad was all about words. He’d talk about what he read in the paper, what had been reported on the evening news, and what Rush Limbaugh had said that day. No one was allowed to read or sing at the table but everyone talked with one another. I’m told that when his children were in school that during supper he made them spell words aloud, define big words, and talk about the news of the day. He was on the school board. My memories are of him eating spaghetti with a fork and spoon, always having a glass of water and a mug of coffee (black), and at a restaurant making us wait for him to finish his coffee before we could leave.
Maybe this doesn’t sound like it’s about words and language, but it is. Grandad doesn’t use big words anymore. He can’t remember the rules of games that he’s been playing all his life. He can’t remember where a photo was taken a few days ago, let alone years ago. He doesn’t remember how to get home but he insists that he should be allowed to drive: after all he has been since he was fourteen. When he asks about where the car is he uses the same arguments over and over, every day. He curses now, but with words like “Dad-blammit.” He doesn’t remember what you told him five minutes ago, even when he is in the midst of the same conversation. On Christmas day, and every day the week before and the week after, he didn’t know that it was Christmas.
And while Grandad used to shower every day and always smell like aftershave—it would only be every once in a long while that we got to feel his whiskers—he now refuses to bathe and wears the same clothes day after day. His words are full of complaints about moving away from Arizona and his relatives being good for nothings that only want to take advantage of him. People of other races are now derogatory terms and tales of his youthful indiscretions have crept into his stories about the war in Korea.
His words used to make me fly, but now they pull me down. He is the reason I love words and became interested in politics before I was out of junior high. I still measure every man I meet by the standard he set. He isn’t the same man anymore, he’s slipped away from us, and it makes us cry and laugh at the same time. But his old mannerisms still resonate in our hearts. And though he makes me wish that he would have died rather than come to this, and I avoid him more and more day by day, I still want my Grandad back and I still love him. The words he spoke to me will be a part of me always, and the things he used to laugh about still make me laugh. And it is so hard to see him fall to this.
The human need for language is a tricky thing. Words can lift us up or crush us. Words can sooth or enrage. And sometimes words are not even necessary.
When I was a child I loved my grandfather. He never cursed, was never rude, and was always a gentleman. He said things a bit differently than we did. He calls lunch “dinner” and dinner “supper.” He never wore his seatbelt unless we begged him. He used big words and knew what he believed but he would never say anything derogatory about someone of another race.
When he would drive us places he would say something about the signs we passed. He liked to laugh and make jokes. He would mix up his consonants on purpose, call Jack in the Box “Back in the Jox” and Circle K would be pronounced “Kurkle Say.” On vacation he would always run into someone he knew. If he saw a photo of a vacation that happened decades ago he’d always be able to tell you what month and year that was and where the picture was taken.
He liked to pick us up by the ears. When he wanted to tell us that he loved us, he wouldn’t say the words, he would whisper in our ears a sound that’s heard to describe, full of “ps” and “sh” and breathy nothings. If we were feeling down he’d say “chirk up, honey pot.” He also like to play a game where he would blink one eye, then the other, and see how fast he could switch back and forth between eyes. He initiated staring contests. He did the crossword puzzle in the newspaper every day.
Grandad was all about words. He’d talk about what he read in the paper, what had been reported on the evening news, and what Rush Limbaugh had said that day. No one was allowed to read or sing at the table but everyone talked with one another. I’m told that when his children were in school that during supper he made them spell words aloud, define big words, and talk about the news of the day. He was on the school board. My memories are of him eating spaghetti with a fork and spoon, always having a glass of water and a mug of coffee (black), and at a restaurant making us wait for him to finish his coffee before we could leave.
Maybe this doesn’t sound like it’s about words and language, but it is. Grandad doesn’t use big words anymore. He can’t remember the rules of games that he’s been playing all his life. He can’t remember where a photo was taken a few days ago, let alone years ago. He doesn’t remember how to get home but he insists that he should be allowed to drive: after all he has been since he was fourteen. When he asks about where the car is he uses the same arguments over and over, every day. He curses now, but with words like “Dad-blammit.” He doesn’t remember what you told him five minutes ago, even when he is in the midst of the same conversation. On Christmas day, and every day the week before and the week after, he didn’t know that it was Christmas.
And while Grandad used to shower every day and always smell like aftershave—it would only be every once in a long while that we got to feel his whiskers—he now refuses to bathe and wears the same clothes day after day. His words are full of complaints about moving away from Arizona and his relatives being good for nothings that only want to take advantage of him. People of other races are now derogatory terms and tales of his youthful indiscretions have crept into his stories about the war in Korea.
His words used to make me fly, but now they pull me down. He is the reason I love words and became interested in politics before I was out of junior high. I still measure every man I meet by the standard he set. He isn’t the same man anymore, he’s slipped away from us, and it makes us cry and laugh at the same time. But his old mannerisms still resonate in our hearts. And though he makes me wish that he would have died rather than come to this, and I avoid him more and more day by day, I still want my Grandad back and I still love him. The words he spoke to me will be a part of me always, and the things he used to laugh about still make me laugh. And it is so hard to see him fall to this.
Friday, February 02, 2007
stuck in my head
i’ve tried, to hide ~ it but i can’t sleep at night ~ everything i think about makes ~ me feel like a version of myself ~ they tell their lies ~ and we all synchronize ~ look to the sky because it’s almost over
we want the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing!
we want, the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing left to lose ~ i know we’ve tried ~ this thing a million times ~ but put me out ~ cuz i’m on fire
don’t talk if you are gonna tell me the truth ~ don’t tell me you know ~ and you’ve got everything under control ~ we can’t have it all ~ but we can break the fall ~ this time i’m letting go ~ cuz i can’t take it anymore
we want the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing!
we want, the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing left to lose ~ i know we’ve tried ~ this thing a million times ~ but put me out ~ cuz i’m on fire
wait til the bottle breaks ~ see how it all shakes ~ who’s gonna be around? ~ who’s gonna hear the sound? ~ wait til the smoke clears ~ who’s gonna volunteer? ~ stand if you’re gonna stand ~ everybody’s here ~ take what you’re gonna take ~ make what you want to make ~ say what you’re gonna say ~ and break, if you’re gonna break
we want, the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing left to lose ~ i know we’ve tried ~ this thing a million times ~ but put me out ~ cuz i’m on fire
~ Absolute by Thousand Foot Krutch
i think there's a part about
"i'm not invisible like you ~ next time this gets a little messed up" but these are the official lyrics and don't say exactly what i expected them to.
we want the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing!
we want, the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing left to lose ~ i know we’ve tried ~ this thing a million times ~ but put me out ~ cuz i’m on fire
don’t talk if you are gonna tell me the truth ~ don’t tell me you know ~ and you’ve got everything under control ~ we can’t have it all ~ but we can break the fall ~ this time i’m letting go ~ cuz i can’t take it anymore
we want the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing!
we want, the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing left to lose ~ i know we’ve tried ~ this thing a million times ~ but put me out ~ cuz i’m on fire
wait til the bottle breaks ~ see how it all shakes ~ who’s gonna be around? ~ who’s gonna hear the sound? ~ wait til the smoke clears ~ who’s gonna volunteer? ~ stand if you’re gonna stand ~ everybody’s here ~ take what you’re gonna take ~ make what you want to make ~ say what you’re gonna say ~ and break, if you’re gonna break
we want, the truth ~ give us the Absolute ~ we need Your help ~ cuz we’ve got nothing left to lose ~ i know we’ve tried ~ this thing a million times ~ but put me out ~ cuz i’m on fire
~ Absolute by Thousand Foot Krutch
i think there's a part about
"i'm not invisible like you ~ next time this gets a little messed up" but these are the official lyrics and don't say exactly what i expected them to.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Boston Bomb Scare...
Does anyone else think that the entire city of Boston is freaking out entirely too much???
So the cops find these little LightBright things all over town and start blowing them up because they think they're bombs. Everyone is in uproar, it's another 9/11, and then they realize that these aren't bombs, so then people start crying "hoax."
...
It turns out that they're advertisements. Not only that, these advertisements have been hanging around for two-three weeks in not only Boston, but numerous cities in numerous states.
So as i was watching Nightline and hearing the Mayor, the District Attorney, the police force, as they proclaim their outrage, how apalled they are that this could happen, that anyone could prey upon the fears of the American people... do they say "oops" and apologize for overreacting? Why no, of course not! They make further idiots of themselves by arresting the artist who designed the ads and put them up all over town. They cite a new law that makes it illegal to create a hoax that looks like terrorism. They spend further taxpayer dollars and waste even more time taking their fear and stupidity out on an artist.
i cannot believe this! What in the world, it's now illegal to advertise? To be an artist?!? And it's all the Cartoon Network's fault because they had the audacity to advertise, too, this was very offensive of them. What idiots. And they're just making themselves look like bigger idiots. i just want to scream.
So the cops find these little LightBright things all over town and start blowing them up because they think they're bombs. Everyone is in uproar, it's another 9/11, and then they realize that these aren't bombs, so then people start crying "hoax."
...
It turns out that they're advertisements. Not only that, these advertisements have been hanging around for two-three weeks in not only Boston, but numerous cities in numerous states.
So as i was watching Nightline and hearing the Mayor, the District Attorney, the police force, as they proclaim their outrage, how apalled they are that this could happen, that anyone could prey upon the fears of the American people... do they say "oops" and apologize for overreacting? Why no, of course not! They make further idiots of themselves by arresting the artist who designed the ads and put them up all over town. They cite a new law that makes it illegal to create a hoax that looks like terrorism. They spend further taxpayer dollars and waste even more time taking their fear and stupidity out on an artist.
i cannot believe this! What in the world, it's now illegal to advertise? To be an artist?!? And it's all the Cartoon Network's fault because they had the audacity to advertise, too, this was very offensive of them. What idiots. And they're just making themselves look like bigger idiots. i just want to scream.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
hurray!!!
what i'm reading ~ Under the Jolly Roger by L.A. Meyer
i finally got my new cell phone! My last one got dropped once and thus broke in half. They were always out of them when i had the money to pay the deductable and when they had the phone in i was broke. They didn't send me a silver Razr, though, they sent me a grey one. It looks a little bit different and has a blue Moto logo on the speaker that's neat. i'm so glad that i finally got a phone, it's nerve-wracking not to have one.
i finally got my new cell phone! My last one got dropped once and thus broke in half. They were always out of them when i had the money to pay the deductable and when they had the phone in i was broke. They didn't send me a silver Razr, though, they sent me a grey one. It looks a little bit different and has a blue Moto logo on the speaker that's neat. i'm so glad that i finally got a phone, it's nerve-wracking not to have one.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
re: i feel a rant coming on... Right #2
i believe that they meant to say that people have the right not to be discriminated againt but that isn't what it says. It says that people have the right not to discriminate, which is true, but we also do have the right to discriminate. I discriminate against the registered sex pedophile when i decide that i'm not going to date him but i am not going to discriminate against him by letting him live in the neighborhood, which is his right because he did his time, even if i don't necessarily agree with his choice in a neighborhood... because i don't want him as a neighbor.
i am so sick of hearing about Isaiah Washington from Grey's Anatomy using the (secondary) f-word and having to go to therapy to save his reputation when he only used it to say that he had never said it. For crying out loud, this is the United States of America, and he didn't say the word in the first place, but even if he had that's his right because he has freedom of speech. Grow up and get over yourselves, i'm not going to make some coworker go to therapy when they call me a prude or white or gringa or a Christian, especially when said things are true (even when said with derision in mind and heart). What is this country coming to?
i am so sick of hearing about Isaiah Washington from Grey's Anatomy using the (secondary) f-word and having to go to therapy to save his reputation when he only used it to say that he had never said it. For crying out loud, this is the United States of America, and he didn't say the word in the first place, but even if he had that's his right because he has freedom of speech. Grow up and get over yourselves, i'm not going to make some coworker go to therapy when they call me a prude or white or gringa or a Christian, especially when said things are true (even when said with derision in mind and heart). What is this country coming to?
Friday, January 19, 2007
i feel a rant coming on...
There are these Youth for Human Rights commercials that i see every night that are okay but i finally went to the website to see what they were...
Human Right #1 - We Are All Born Free & Equal
Okay, sure.
Human Right #2 - Don't Discriminate
That doesn't sound like a "right" but whatever
Human Right #3 - The Right to Life
Yes, i totally agree with Jefferson.
Human Right #4 - No Slavery
Again, not exactly a right, but i agree, everyone has the right to freedom.
Human Right #5 - No Torture
This is a narrow view of things. They need to word their ideas differently and i believe that torture is not specific enough. A few days ago several 14-year-old girls beat up on a 13-year-old, were pulling her hair, scratching her, tugging on her clothes, and the video ended up on YouTube. A person has the right to not be attacked, beaten up on, tortured, kidnapped, blown up by a stray bomb, etc.
Human Right #6 - You Have Rights No Matter Where You Go
duh
Human Right #7 - We're All Equal Before the Law
whose law is being referred to here? This could be dangerous.
Human Right #8 - Your Human Rights Are Protected By Law
not always, but i agree that they should be
Human Right #9 - No Unfair Detainment
goes with my comments on #5
Human Right #10 - The Right to Trial
better stated in #11
Human Right #11 - We're Always Innocent Till Proven Guilty
though i'm not sure "till" is a proper spelling
Human Right #12 - The Right to Privacy
okay, i guess so. Our privacy is infringed upon every day when we go to the store, use an atm, are called by a telemarketer, but this is good in theory though not easily practiced. You have to allow certain privacies to be infringed upon unless you're willing to move into the wilderness and live like a hermit and even then anyone with a sattellite can spy on you. You forfeit this right if you break the law or disobey your parents, too.
Human Right #13 - Freedom to Move
sure, that's fine
Human Right #14 - The Right to Seek a Safe Place to Live
This is definitely important within the constraints of law. i mean if the government wants you to live in a certain place because of your race or religion that's bad but if you're becoming a illegal immigrant just because you want to make more money or blow people up who believe differently than you do... not so good. Go through legal channels here unless/until the government becomes immoral.
Human Right #15 - Right to a Nationality
Yeah, but don't come to my country and try to change it's nationality to be like your own. It's okay to remember your heritage, but when you move to a new place you can't expect your new neighbors to stop being who they were. Does that make any sense? People can be changed by new influences, shouldn't discriminate against people who are different, but the new person should adopt their new nationality and language in public life, even if they have the old at home.
Human Right #16 - Marriage and Family
i'm not sure what to say about this. i do agree with it politically but morally... i don't think that gay marriage is truly marriage: i define that as between a man and a woman. They do have the right to have friends who are like family, can adopt i suppose, but they should understand that being gay isn't the only way (lest our species die out entirely).
Human Right #17 - The Right to Your Own Things
yeah, i guess
Human Right #18 - Freedom of Thought
This is such a "duh" that why even mention it? No one can make you think what they want to by force or law: you can always think whatever you want to.
Human Right #19 - Freedom of Expression
this is important
Human Right #20 - The Right to Public Assembly
also important
Human Right #21 - The Right to Democracy
No. Democracy is chaos, is not good, should be avoided.
Human Right #22 - Social Security
What, the state mandated retirement plan??? Definitely not! What the heck kind of right would that that be, the requirement to let the government steal your money, give it to other people, and leave you out cold??? Forget that!
Human Right #23 - Workers' Rights
this is way too vague
Human Right #24 - The Right to Play
Okay, sure, it's necessary to remain healthy, sane, etc.
Human Right #25 - Food and Shelter for All
No, this is not a right. You have the right to earn your food, build your shelter, live you life in the way you choose, but not to expect other people to pay for it because it's your right. What bothers me is when people are working two or three jobs just to make ends meet.
Human Right #26 - The Right to Education
definitely a right, for without an education one cannot know what to think.
Human Right #27 - Copyright
Does this include the right to re-patent drugs to make more money off the same thing slightly modified? The right to prosecute people who videotape things without selling or making money off them? This is a hot issue.
Human Right #28 - A Fair and Free World
Life isn't fair and very little is free because of a thing called sin.
Human Right #29 - Responsibility
You have the right to be responsible? You have the responsibility to be responsible but that isn't a right.
Human Right #30 - No One Can Take Away Your Human Rights
Duh! Only people can, which is the entire reason for the list. Notice that they did not include the right to religion. This list sounds suspiciously misguided: good in theoy, but as if there are ulterior motives.
Human Right #1 - We Are All Born Free & Equal
Okay, sure.
Human Right #2 - Don't Discriminate
That doesn't sound like a "right" but whatever
Human Right #3 - The Right to Life
Yes, i totally agree with Jefferson.
Human Right #4 - No Slavery
Again, not exactly a right, but i agree, everyone has the right to freedom.
Human Right #5 - No Torture
This is a narrow view of things. They need to word their ideas differently and i believe that torture is not specific enough. A few days ago several 14-year-old girls beat up on a 13-year-old, were pulling her hair, scratching her, tugging on her clothes, and the video ended up on YouTube. A person has the right to not be attacked, beaten up on, tortured, kidnapped, blown up by a stray bomb, etc.
Human Right #6 - You Have Rights No Matter Where You Go
duh
Human Right #7 - We're All Equal Before the Law
whose law is being referred to here? This could be dangerous.
Human Right #8 - Your Human Rights Are Protected By Law
not always, but i agree that they should be
Human Right #9 - No Unfair Detainment
goes with my comments on #5
Human Right #10 - The Right to Trial
better stated in #11
Human Right #11 - We're Always Innocent Till Proven Guilty
though i'm not sure "till" is a proper spelling
Human Right #12 - The Right to Privacy
okay, i guess so. Our privacy is infringed upon every day when we go to the store, use an atm, are called by a telemarketer, but this is good in theory though not easily practiced. You have to allow certain privacies to be infringed upon unless you're willing to move into the wilderness and live like a hermit and even then anyone with a sattellite can spy on you. You forfeit this right if you break the law or disobey your parents, too.
Human Right #13 - Freedom to Move
sure, that's fine
Human Right #14 - The Right to Seek a Safe Place to Live
This is definitely important within the constraints of law. i mean if the government wants you to live in a certain place because of your race or religion that's bad but if you're becoming a illegal immigrant just because you want to make more money or blow people up who believe differently than you do... not so good. Go through legal channels here unless/until the government becomes immoral.
Human Right #15 - Right to a Nationality
Yeah, but don't come to my country and try to change it's nationality to be like your own. It's okay to remember your heritage, but when you move to a new place you can't expect your new neighbors to stop being who they were. Does that make any sense? People can be changed by new influences, shouldn't discriminate against people who are different, but the new person should adopt their new nationality and language in public life, even if they have the old at home.
Human Right #16 - Marriage and Family
i'm not sure what to say about this. i do agree with it politically but morally... i don't think that gay marriage is truly marriage: i define that as between a man and a woman. They do have the right to have friends who are like family, can adopt i suppose, but they should understand that being gay isn't the only way (lest our species die out entirely).
Human Right #17 - The Right to Your Own Things
yeah, i guess
Human Right #18 - Freedom of Thought
This is such a "duh" that why even mention it? No one can make you think what they want to by force or law: you can always think whatever you want to.
Human Right #19 - Freedom of Expression
this is important
Human Right #20 - The Right to Public Assembly
also important
Human Right #21 - The Right to Democracy
No. Democracy is chaos, is not good, should be avoided.
Human Right #22 - Social Security
What, the state mandated retirement plan??? Definitely not! What the heck kind of right would that that be, the requirement to let the government steal your money, give it to other people, and leave you out cold??? Forget that!
Human Right #23 - Workers' Rights
this is way too vague
Human Right #24 - The Right to Play
Okay, sure, it's necessary to remain healthy, sane, etc.
Human Right #25 - Food and Shelter for All
No, this is not a right. You have the right to earn your food, build your shelter, live you life in the way you choose, but not to expect other people to pay for it because it's your right. What bothers me is when people are working two or three jobs just to make ends meet.
Human Right #26 - The Right to Education
definitely a right, for without an education one cannot know what to think.
Human Right #27 - Copyright
Does this include the right to re-patent drugs to make more money off the same thing slightly modified? The right to prosecute people who videotape things without selling or making money off them? This is a hot issue.
Human Right #28 - A Fair and Free World
Life isn't fair and very little is free because of a thing called sin.
Human Right #29 - Responsibility
You have the right to be responsible? You have the responsibility to be responsible but that isn't a right.
Human Right #30 - No One Can Take Away Your Human Rights
Duh! Only people can, which is the entire reason for the list. Notice that they did not include the right to religion. This list sounds suspiciously misguided: good in theoy, but as if there are ulterior motives.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Hooah
You know i don't usually do forwards, but this one is too good to resist reposting...
You stay up for 16 hours
He stays up for days on end.
_________________________
You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
He goes days or weeks without running water.
__________________________
You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.
He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.
__________________________
You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.
He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.
__________________________
You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.
He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.
__________________________
You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.
He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.
__________________________
You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He patrols the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.
_________________________
You complain about how hot it is.
He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.
__________________________
You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.
He doesn't get to eat today.
__________________________
Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.
He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.
__________________________
You go to the mall and get your hair redone.
He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.
__________________________
You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.
He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months.
__________________________
You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.
__________________________
You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.
He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.
__________________________
You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet
__________________________
You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.
He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting.
__________________________
You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him.
He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded.
__________________________
You see only what the media wants you to see.
He sees the broken bodies lying around him.
__________________________
You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He does exactly what he is told.
__________________________
You stay at home and watch TV.
He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.
__________________________
You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.
He tries to sleep but gets woken by mortars and helicopters all night long.
__________________________
You sit there and judge him, saying the world is probably a worse place because of men like him.
If only there were more men like him
___________________________
If you support your troops, repost this with a "HOOAH!"
If you don't support your troops well, then don't repost, it's not like you know the men and women that are dying to preserve your right
You stay up for 16 hours
He stays up for days on end.
_________________________
You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
He goes days or weeks without running water.
__________________________
You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.
He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.
__________________________
You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.
He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.
__________________________
You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.
He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.
__________________________
You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.
He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.
__________________________
You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He patrols the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.
_________________________
You complain about how hot it is.
He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.
__________________________
You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.
He doesn't get to eat today.
__________________________
Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.
He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.
__________________________
You go to the mall and get your hair redone.
He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.
__________________________
You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.
He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months.
__________________________
You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.
__________________________
You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.
He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.
__________________________
You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet
__________________________
You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.
He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting.
__________________________
You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him.
He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded.
__________________________
You see only what the media wants you to see.
He sees the broken bodies lying around him.
__________________________
You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He does exactly what he is told.
__________________________
You stay at home and watch TV.
He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.
__________________________
You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.
He tries to sleep but gets woken by mortars and helicopters all night long.
__________________________
You sit there and judge him, saying the world is probably a worse place because of men like him.
If only there were more men like him
___________________________
If you support your troops, repost this with a "HOOAH!"
If you don't support your troops well, then don't repost, it's not like you know the men and women that are dying to preserve your right
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Wow, Chubuncle has a LiveJournal, too. It even has a list of all the Karaoke songs in his repertoire.
since i can't currently modify my schedule for next semester...
what i'm knitting ~ i'm in the planning stages for next year's Christmas gifts
what i'm reading ~ Believing God by Beth Moore
i was looking for the wedding video for my Aunt and Uncle's wedding to no avail when i decided to search for her nickname and found that she has a LiveJournal! Unfortunately she hasn't updated it in a while, but i'm looking forward to reading it. i love Aunt Leigh, she fits well in her family, and i look forward to years of getting to know her better. Now if i could only find that video, i know it's out there...
Close a Door, Open a Window
what i'm reading ~ Believing God by Beth Moore
i was looking for the wedding video for my Aunt and Uncle's wedding to no avail when i decided to search for her nickname and found that she has a LiveJournal! Unfortunately she hasn't updated it in a while, but i'm looking forward to reading it. i love Aunt Leigh, she fits well in her family, and i look forward to years of getting to know her better. Now if i could only find that video, i know it's out there...
Close a Door, Open a Window
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Prison Break, Season 1
i finally got to see the escape! i was actually very surprised by how many episodes that i saw when this show originally aired. i think i only missed five episodes tops. This show is really good, though at times a tad unbelievable. i am now seriously crushing on Wentworth Miller and watching the special features was really interesting, the different techniques certain actors used to develop their characters especially. Now i can’t wait for season two to come out on dvd because i know that i missed most of the first half: i think i saw it twice. i’m really excited about it coming back January 22… which just so happens to be my first day back at school too.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers
w/Sutherland, Goldblum, and Nimoy (among others)
i just happened to catch this on PBS (of all places) late on a Sunday night. It has pretty good special effects for the time. i especially appreciated the Robert Duvall cameo at the beginning. Good acting all around but i would have preferred a different ending. i've never read the book, just Heinlein's Puppet Masters. Several events made me think of the Faculty, like everyone standing around drinking water, which i'm sure inspired the later movie. Definitely worth watching.
for some reason allconsuming.net won't post to my blog anymore... maybe because it's in blogger beta now?
i just happened to catch this on PBS (of all places) late on a Sunday night. It has pretty good special effects for the time. i especially appreciated the Robert Duvall cameo at the beginning. Good acting all around but i would have preferred a different ending. i've never read the book, just Heinlein's Puppet Masters. Several events made me think of the Faculty, like everyone standing around drinking water, which i'm sure inspired the later movie. Definitely worth watching.
for some reason allconsuming.net won't post to my blog anymore... maybe because it's in blogger beta now?
Saturday, December 30, 2006
re: pathetic vomit
Something happened at work to set me off; i still don't know what to do about it. Things have been hard with my grandparents, especially since Grandma's heart attack. i don't know how to deal with it all right now. i want to get my own place once they go into assisted living (which could be within a matter of months) but i don't want to get someplace too expensive and i'm hesitant to have roommates. i wish my life was in a better place, a farther place, because i feel like i have been held back my entire life. i'm tired of having baggage and want healing and guidance from God so very badly. i really do not know what to do... and i know that i have said that a million times but it's still true. It turns out that it's kinda become my mantra in life. Maybe mantra isn't the right word. My sister Katie (who is reading over my shoulder) says it's a motif, the repeating notes in a song. Guess that fits better...
snowboarding!
My sister and i went snowboarding today but my camera phone screen has decided to quit on me so i have absolutely no pics. i barely had any reviewing to do before i felt i was doing as well as last year but i got tired a lot sooner than usual. i fell on my back once and it felt weird but it didn't hurt. My calves cramped a bit on the lifts and my feet got so tired that i just had to quit after my sixth run but i had a lot of fun. i'm sure Katie wishes that we would have stayed longer but i was a bit drowsy on the way back (so i made up stupid songs to stay awake) and took a nap during part of our viewing of Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest. i can't wait til i can go again.
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
Friday, December 29, 2006
i am pathetic
i really am. i am so much more than pathetic. i am pathetically horrifically pathetic. i am sick of being who i am and wish that i could just cease to exist. i am invested in the wrong people, complain far too much, and do not have the slightest idea how in the multiverses and multidimensions i am supposed to ever be anything but the most minisculely pathetic individual in the history of history. i do not even know how to relate how pathetic i am, i cannot comprehend grandious enough terms. Simply put i am so bleepingly pathetic.
Why am i still stuck here in this rut? Why am i incapable of a modicum of self-control or refinement? No matter how hard i try i am still chained, caged, trapped, helpless. i am so impatient, so loose lipped, i can't shut up, can't be patient, can't be discreet, i simply vomit all of my patheticness on everyone around me. Stand back, because here more comes whether you're ready or not. i can't keep it in. i don't want this ugliness inside. But i don't want it outside either, embarassing and distasteful and repulsive to all. No one wants to be around me.
i can't stand being alone, but me being me, being honest, vomiting, only makes me more alone. i try to ignore the pain, the loneliness, the brokeness, the anger, the angst, but i can't. i'm still sick or trying to hide my reality from everyone but still scared to show everyone the truth. No one wants it, i'm ashamed of it, it doesn't help... but i still can't keep it in.
i try so hard. i live my life, try to accept it without complaint (which i am apparently failing miserably at), suck it up, keep going, keep fighting, keep ignoring how much it hurts, and all i am doing is ignoring the problem. i don't know how to fix my problems. so i try to ignore them, but i can't. i'm over my head. i can never come to a conclusion. i can never get better.
Last night my mom pointed out to me that i said (not so very long ago) that i would never, ever, ever, take an 8 a.m. class at Mesa State ever again. Well now that i will be working 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. i'd kind of like to but i can't find one. i said i would never and now i have to eat my words. So driving home from home i started going through a list of "i nevers". It made me think of the game Kate and Sawyer played on Lost, saying "I never" and then drinking if they had. My list was "I'll never" and it was a long one, full of things i have dreamed of for so very long but am so very afraid that God will never give me. i wanted to lay them out so He would prove me wrong. i'm so sick of praying and receiving no answer.
i feel bad that i've not done more for my grandparents since moving in with them but i don't know how to give more. It's really hard to drive home each night, to spend each day there, with my grandfather becoming more alien to me and more hostile towards the things the family is doing to try to help him. i feel so bad for my Grandma. Yesterday he was telling my uncle (while they were both sitting right next to me) aboud the differences between Korean prostitutes and brothels and Japanese ones from his perspective when he was there during the Korean War. i got so embarassed. He's not my Grandad anymore. i never wanted or expected to hear him say so many of the things he does now.
i don't know how to go on like this. It is always like this, overwhelming pain and problems, and i am helpless to do anything besides take it up the tailpipe and keep on keeping on. i'm sorry, i know i'm being lewd, but i'd rather be using much dirtier words and am instead trying to write in a more refined manner. No curse could ever express the pain i feel.
i want to say that i'm swearing off men but herein lies my problem: i'm sick of pursuing God. i'm sick of my Grandad's disease. i'm sick of my father's anger being manifested in my own heart and attitude. i'm sick of being single but do not know how to be a couple even if i could find a boyfriend, nor do i have the time to date. The men i desire, try not to pursue, and make a fool of myself in front of all, without exception, do not want me. Only the creeps want me. And i hate it. i hate being depressed and a pessimist and so ugly when all i want to be is joyful and optimistic and beautiful and with just one person, one person to build the rest of my life with, God willing. That's all i've ever wanted.
Why am i still stuck here in this rut? Why am i incapable of a modicum of self-control or refinement? No matter how hard i try i am still chained, caged, trapped, helpless. i am so impatient, so loose lipped, i can't shut up, can't be patient, can't be discreet, i simply vomit all of my patheticness on everyone around me. Stand back, because here more comes whether you're ready or not. i can't keep it in. i don't want this ugliness inside. But i don't want it outside either, embarassing and distasteful and repulsive to all. No one wants to be around me.
i can't stand being alone, but me being me, being honest, vomiting, only makes me more alone. i try to ignore the pain, the loneliness, the brokeness, the anger, the angst, but i can't. i'm still sick or trying to hide my reality from everyone but still scared to show everyone the truth. No one wants it, i'm ashamed of it, it doesn't help... but i still can't keep it in.
i try so hard. i live my life, try to accept it without complaint (which i am apparently failing miserably at), suck it up, keep going, keep fighting, keep ignoring how much it hurts, and all i am doing is ignoring the problem. i don't know how to fix my problems. so i try to ignore them, but i can't. i'm over my head. i can never come to a conclusion. i can never get better.
Last night my mom pointed out to me that i said (not so very long ago) that i would never, ever, ever, take an 8 a.m. class at Mesa State ever again. Well now that i will be working 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. i'd kind of like to but i can't find one. i said i would never and now i have to eat my words. So driving home from home i started going through a list of "i nevers". It made me think of the game Kate and Sawyer played on Lost, saying "I never" and then drinking if they had. My list was "I'll never" and it was a long one, full of things i have dreamed of for so very long but am so very afraid that God will never give me. i wanted to lay them out so He would prove me wrong. i'm so sick of praying and receiving no answer.
i feel bad that i've not done more for my grandparents since moving in with them but i don't know how to give more. It's really hard to drive home each night, to spend each day there, with my grandfather becoming more alien to me and more hostile towards the things the family is doing to try to help him. i feel so bad for my Grandma. Yesterday he was telling my uncle (while they were both sitting right next to me) aboud the differences between Korean prostitutes and brothels and Japanese ones from his perspective when he was there during the Korean War. i got so embarassed. He's not my Grandad anymore. i never wanted or expected to hear him say so many of the things he does now.
i don't know how to go on like this. It is always like this, overwhelming pain and problems, and i am helpless to do anything besides take it up the tailpipe and keep on keeping on. i'm sorry, i know i'm being lewd, but i'd rather be using much dirtier words and am instead trying to write in a more refined manner. No curse could ever express the pain i feel.
i want to say that i'm swearing off men but herein lies my problem: i'm sick of pursuing God. i'm sick of my Grandad's disease. i'm sick of my father's anger being manifested in my own heart and attitude. i'm sick of being single but do not know how to be a couple even if i could find a boyfriend, nor do i have the time to date. The men i desire, try not to pursue, and make a fool of myself in front of all, without exception, do not want me. Only the creeps want me. And i hate it. i hate being depressed and a pessimist and so ugly when all i want to be is joyful and optimistic and beautiful and with just one person, one person to build the rest of my life with, God willing. That's all i've ever wanted.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
new look!
As you can see i have finally update my blog's look. i thought that black was starting to get a bit old but i didn't want anything too bright so of course i turned to my favorite color, blue. With the new year more changes will be coming (i hope) making my blog ever more fabulous. And now it's time for me to stop lounging about and get dressed.
Monday, December 11, 2006
"God is in the Rain" (400th post)
That's what Valerie's grandmother told her in V for Vendetta, that's how i've always felt about it. It has to rain for the rainbow to come, the manifestation of God's promise to protect us.
It's been seven years today. Seven years since God promised me so much. i don't know if i was right to make so many of the decisions that i have, but i have tried most of all to be faithful to God. i constantly live in fear and loathe the fact that i do not do more to stand by my convictions but i am such an oddity in today's world. i care so much and am sure that i can do so little. i should not allow my fear or Satan's lies to paralyze me so, i know. i only want to do God's will, but i am truly afraid that the world as i know it is about to change. More than that i'm afraid that i cannot stop these events from taking place, change them for the better before or after they do.
i know i'm not making sense here, i cannot give full voice to what i'm feeling yet, but ever since September 11th i've known that the world had changed and would continue to change and i've always had a feeling that it will be for ill. We held back the dark for a while, we liberated Afghanistan and Iraq, but now things are going badly again. Democrats control Congress and universally seem to want to pull out no matter what the cost. i can't help but feel that they're forgetting what happened the last time we were attacked and have this pipe dream that it could never happen again. i know they're wrong. i can feel it in my soul.
i think something will happen soon. Maybe not will all this global stuff i'm talking about, but with me. i think God may give me a book or a job to do that will warn people or make a difference or something. Or maybe i just have to hold onto what really matters in my life and get ready to batten down the hatches. i'm still waiting for God to lead me whenever and wherever He will. And i guess that's all i have to say about that... for now.
It's been seven years today. Seven years since God promised me so much. i don't know if i was right to make so many of the decisions that i have, but i have tried most of all to be faithful to God. i constantly live in fear and loathe the fact that i do not do more to stand by my convictions but i am such an oddity in today's world. i care so much and am sure that i can do so little. i should not allow my fear or Satan's lies to paralyze me so, i know. i only want to do God's will, but i am truly afraid that the world as i know it is about to change. More than that i'm afraid that i cannot stop these events from taking place, change them for the better before or after they do.
i know i'm not making sense here, i cannot give full voice to what i'm feeling yet, but ever since September 11th i've known that the world had changed and would continue to change and i've always had a feeling that it will be for ill. We held back the dark for a while, we liberated Afghanistan and Iraq, but now things are going badly again. Democrats control Congress and universally seem to want to pull out no matter what the cost. i can't help but feel that they're forgetting what happened the last time we were attacked and have this pipe dream that it could never happen again. i know they're wrong. i can feel it in my soul.
i think something will happen soon. Maybe not will all this global stuff i'm talking about, but with me. i think God may give me a book or a job to do that will warn people or make a difference or something. Or maybe i just have to hold onto what really matters in my life and get ready to batten down the hatches. i'm still waiting for God to lead me whenever and wherever He will. And i guess that's all i have to say about that... for now.
V for Vendetta
The first time i saw this i was a bit confused about what was going on and wasn't sure that i liked it. The second time around was much better, as has been the third, fourth, fifth. i can't get this movie out of my skull now, with excellent quotes in it all around, humor mixed in, and depth that can't be tapped in one viewing.
The past seven years of my life have been hard, but i don't think i would trade them back for anything. i fully understand when Valerie says "...for three years I had roses and apologized to no one." To me this movie isn't so much about being homosexual or of another race as it is about being free. The government in this movie is led by totalitarian Christians who are unyielding in their "faith", their definition of right vs. wrong, which to me as a Christian myself is totally offensive and twisted. i don't endorse homosexuality but i don't think any government should be imprisoning those who are. i don't think the color of one's skin should be a reason to be beaten and killed. And i don't think that i should be judged for my own individuality and love of the truth.
The idea of a nazi-esque London is scary, even moreso the idea that this type of government could happen here in the U.S. Here i think it would be run by the other side of the spectrum, the liberals, but either way it's dangerous. All of these topics are sensitive, i know, but truth does not know any political boundaries, all parties are wrong on some issues some of the time, and i can't help but be afraid that the country i love so much is slowly becoming something i cannot love and will eventually fear. "People shouldn't be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people." i can't imagine blowing up the Capitol, the Supreme Court, or murdering key members of the government, but here in the U.S. the militia is vilified just as much as V.
Gun control is a scary thing to me, the idea that people in power want to take away my right to have a weapon, to protect myself in self defense, or join a militia and defend my country. But then these are rights that i am guaranteed in the Constitution and the government isn't really the country (even thought that's usually how we think of it)...
i am. My father, my mother, my brother, my sister, my neighbor, my classmate... we are America. How dare we let the government take away our money and throw it away on Social Security? How dare we let them keep our children dumb and brainwashed into who they want them to be!?! How dare they even consider in their wildest of dreams that they are smarter or abler than we to provide for ourselves, to build our own future, to protect ourselves. "Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free."
i have often felt as if every inch of me will perish, as if i am paralyzed by fear when i shouldn't be. What Valerie says is right, that our integrity is all we have to hold onto, that love is what is most important of all. "I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better," but most of all i hope i can be strong enough to be who God wants me to be. The near future may be hard, harder than even i can imagine, but i would rather see this country fall than become corrupted like the government V brought his vendetta to. i think this movie is a good reminder of the danger we are all in and if we let it will empower us enough by reminding us that we can change the course of the future.
The past seven years of my life have been hard, but i don't think i would trade them back for anything. i fully understand when Valerie says "...for three years I had roses and apologized to no one." To me this movie isn't so much about being homosexual or of another race as it is about being free. The government in this movie is led by totalitarian Christians who are unyielding in their "faith", their definition of right vs. wrong, which to me as a Christian myself is totally offensive and twisted. i don't endorse homosexuality but i don't think any government should be imprisoning those who are. i don't think the color of one's skin should be a reason to be beaten and killed. And i don't think that i should be judged for my own individuality and love of the truth.
The idea of a nazi-esque London is scary, even moreso the idea that this type of government could happen here in the U.S. Here i think it would be run by the other side of the spectrum, the liberals, but either way it's dangerous. All of these topics are sensitive, i know, but truth does not know any political boundaries, all parties are wrong on some issues some of the time, and i can't help but be afraid that the country i love so much is slowly becoming something i cannot love and will eventually fear. "People shouldn't be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people." i can't imagine blowing up the Capitol, the Supreme Court, or murdering key members of the government, but here in the U.S. the militia is vilified just as much as V.
Gun control is a scary thing to me, the idea that people in power want to take away my right to have a weapon, to protect myself in self defense, or join a militia and defend my country. But then these are rights that i am guaranteed in the Constitution and the government isn't really the country (even thought that's usually how we think of it)...
i am. My father, my mother, my brother, my sister, my neighbor, my classmate... we are America. How dare we let the government take away our money and throw it away on Social Security? How dare we let them keep our children dumb and brainwashed into who they want them to be!?! How dare they even consider in their wildest of dreams that they are smarter or abler than we to provide for ourselves, to build our own future, to protect ourselves. "Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free."
i have often felt as if every inch of me will perish, as if i am paralyzed by fear when i shouldn't be. What Valerie says is right, that our integrity is all we have to hold onto, that love is what is most important of all. "I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better," but most of all i hope i can be strong enough to be who God wants me to be. The near future may be hard, harder than even i can imagine, but i would rather see this country fall than become corrupted like the government V brought his vendetta to. i think this movie is a good reminder of the danger we are all in and if we let it will empower us enough by reminding us that we can change the course of the future.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
what i think
When i originally read that quote i thought that we are in the complacency to apathy bracket but in hindsight i think we're in the apathy to dependency bracket... which is very scary to be perfectly honest. But think of how many people blame the government for Hurricane Katrina, expect the government to support the "victims", etc. and ad nauseum. i don't know if the quote was truly written in colonial times, but it seems rather accurate none the less.
i've been watching V for Vendetta a lot lately. V says that "People shouldn't be afraid of their governments; governments should be afraid of their people" and a lot more awesome stuff that sounds straight out of books actually written in colonial times. The point is that i'm starting to get afraid of my government, of the power they have over schoolchildren, and welfare recipients, and the outcome of the war on terror. i don't expect the government to be able to keep me safe from all the wackos out there, but i certainly don't want it to start taking away my freedoms for my own "safety" (which is where it's sliding).
Worse still, the government is stealing my money, money that i know i'm never going to see again (save for the slim chance of considerable changes in D.C.), and it seems that everyone is content to just let them take it. Social Security is going to go bankrupt long before i'm old enough to draw upon it, so i'm getting screwed over. Not only are they taking money from me now (that i need for food and gas and other necessaries), they're taking money from my retirement fund. They're taking money away from me and crippling me because i can't support myself let alone save money or supplies in case of war on the homefront or the complete collapse of the government. i know what the politicians are doing, they're trying to keep me, you, everyone dependent on them. i'm not a conspiracy buff, but i just can't see any other explanation, everything points to it. Democrats are causing it and Republicans are allowing it to happen.
i don't know what to do about it. Sometimes i think of Hyde and becoming an Anarchist but i don't think that's the way. i'm tired of being alone. But what could i do? What can little old me do when no one listens to me? No one listens to me. i just spent the past twenty-four hours upset because of that very fact, but now i don't feel so bad about it. Who am i to expect anyone to listen to me? i don't know everything. i know a lot, but that doesn't necessarily mean that my knowledge is meant to be shared with the world. What i was mad about... i don't even know if i should be hoping for what i felt cheated of. i need to be more patient, have more wisdom, and of course wait... i hate waiting, being patient, and what widom i have only irks me because other people are too stupid to have the common sense God gave me. Which of course makes me an idiot.
i know, i have issues.
i'm having trouble coming to a conclusion. Which is why i hate blogging, why i rarely write anymore... i always have ideas, never have conclusions. i don't have time to devote to my writing, or my art, and i'm quickly getting nowhere in college. Time passes so quickly. i want to say something about the last inch, like in the movie, but i can't remember what it said.
i still don't think that homosexuality is morally right, but i also don't think that people should be imprisoned for it. i don't believe that people of other races are inferior or superior. i think all of us, no matter what our skin color, have been given the same brains, bodies, and minds to live with, that some of us only have better circumstances growing up, educations, chances to use them, and the strength to utilize our gifts from God. Is someone not a great artist or writer or human because they are in an internment camp, or prison, or too poor to succeed, to become known, to fly???
"God is in the rain," that was one of the things i wanted to say. i need God. In five days it will be seven years and i just have to wonder... Have i made the right choices? Have i failed to be faithful to Him? Have i given into fear? i have no answers, no hope, no future, not without Him, now when He is silent. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to say, to ask. i don't know who to be.
i have to finish my two drawings for my Drawing final tonight and i don't want to. i want to watch V again and cry. i want to feel hope that God will prevail, that truth will prevail. i want to stand in the rain and know that God is kissing my face as i lift it to look at him. i know, i'm stupid, i'm lame, i'm sentimental, i'm a drama queen... but i don't know how to be anyone else, any other way, anything but helpless, hopeless, broken, dependent on God. i still need Him.
i've been watching V for Vendetta a lot lately. V says that "People shouldn't be afraid of their governments; governments should be afraid of their people" and a lot more awesome stuff that sounds straight out of books actually written in colonial times. The point is that i'm starting to get afraid of my government, of the power they have over schoolchildren, and welfare recipients, and the outcome of the war on terror. i don't expect the government to be able to keep me safe from all the wackos out there, but i certainly don't want it to start taking away my freedoms for my own "safety" (which is where it's sliding).
Worse still, the government is stealing my money, money that i know i'm never going to see again (save for the slim chance of considerable changes in D.C.), and it seems that everyone is content to just let them take it. Social Security is going to go bankrupt long before i'm old enough to draw upon it, so i'm getting screwed over. Not only are they taking money from me now (that i need for food and gas and other necessaries), they're taking money from my retirement fund. They're taking money away from me and crippling me because i can't support myself let alone save money or supplies in case of war on the homefront or the complete collapse of the government. i know what the politicians are doing, they're trying to keep me, you, everyone dependent on them. i'm not a conspiracy buff, but i just can't see any other explanation, everything points to it. Democrats are causing it and Republicans are allowing it to happen.
i don't know what to do about it. Sometimes i think of Hyde and becoming an Anarchist but i don't think that's the way. i'm tired of being alone. But what could i do? What can little old me do when no one listens to me? No one listens to me. i just spent the past twenty-four hours upset because of that very fact, but now i don't feel so bad about it. Who am i to expect anyone to listen to me? i don't know everything. i know a lot, but that doesn't necessarily mean that my knowledge is meant to be shared with the world. What i was mad about... i don't even know if i should be hoping for what i felt cheated of. i need to be more patient, have more wisdom, and of course wait... i hate waiting, being patient, and what widom i have only irks me because other people are too stupid to have the common sense God gave me. Which of course makes me an idiot.
i know, i have issues.
i'm having trouble coming to a conclusion. Which is why i hate blogging, why i rarely write anymore... i always have ideas, never have conclusions. i don't have time to devote to my writing, or my art, and i'm quickly getting nowhere in college. Time passes so quickly. i want to say something about the last inch, like in the movie, but i can't remember what it said.
i still don't think that homosexuality is morally right, but i also don't think that people should be imprisoned for it. i don't believe that people of other races are inferior or superior. i think all of us, no matter what our skin color, have been given the same brains, bodies, and minds to live with, that some of us only have better circumstances growing up, educations, chances to use them, and the strength to utilize our gifts from God. Is someone not a great artist or writer or human because they are in an internment camp, or prison, or too poor to succeed, to become known, to fly???
"God is in the rain," that was one of the things i wanted to say. i need God. In five days it will be seven years and i just have to wonder... Have i made the right choices? Have i failed to be faithful to Him? Have i given into fear? i have no answers, no hope, no future, not without Him, now when He is silent. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to say, to ask. i don't know who to be.
i have to finish my two drawings for my Drawing final tonight and i don't want to. i want to watch V again and cry. i want to feel hope that God will prevail, that truth will prevail. i want to stand in the rain and know that God is kissing my face as i lift it to look at him. i know, i'm stupid, i'm lame, i'm sentimental, i'm a drama queen... but i don't know how to be anyone else, any other way, anything but helpless, hopeless, broken, dependent on God. i still need Him.
quotable quotes
what i'm reading ~ The Terrible Truth about Liberals by Neal Boortz...
...in which is quoted one Professor Alexander Tyler, or "Lord Woodhouselee, Alexander Fraser Tytler", depending on whom you trust. i don't really care who said it first, whether it was two hundred years ago or fifty years ago, i just think it's a good quote.
"A Democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can exist only until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that a Democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy, always followed by a Dictatorship.
The average age of the world's greatest civilizations has been 200 years. These nations have progressed through this sequence: From bondage to spiritual faith; from spiritual faith to great courage; from courage to liberty; from liberty to abundance; from abundance to selfishness; from selfishness to complacency; from complacency to apathy; from apathy to dependency; from dependency back again into bondage."
...in which is quoted one Professor Alexander Tyler, or "Lord Woodhouselee, Alexander Fraser Tytler", depending on whom you trust. i don't really care who said it first, whether it was two hundred years ago or fifty years ago, i just think it's a good quote.
"A Democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can exist only until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that a Democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy, always followed by a Dictatorship.
The average age of the world's greatest civilizations has been 200 years. These nations have progressed through this sequence: From bondage to spiritual faith; from spiritual faith to great courage; from courage to liberty; from liberty to abundance; from abundance to selfishness; from selfishness to complacency; from complacency to apathy; from apathy to dependency; from dependency back again into bondage."
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