So, an acquaintance through WoW that is friends on MySpace informs me that if i don't vote for Obama, i am a racist. Hm... that requires a response.
If anyone votes for Obama merely because he is half-African American, that makes him or her a racist. Skin color is not a consideration for me when it comes to politics, if more African Americans, Asian Americans, Latino Americans, Native Americans, etc., ran for politics, and if i agreed with their policies and record, i would vote for them. I'm not voting for Mark Udall, a white Democrat, because he is an idiot and is doing dangerous things in Congress, not to mention the fact that it's basically his fact that an energy bill hasn't been passed or even discussed because the day that it was voted to adjourn Congress he didn't show up (even though he promised that he would).
Anyway, i was hoping that Condie Rice would be McCain's VP choice, so obviously i am not anti-African American or racist. In fact, i greatly strive to be the opposite and am feeling very anti-Puritan atm because of what we are reading in American Literature.
Friday, August 29, 2008
convention time
Well i didn't watch as much of it as i intended to. i saw Hillary speak and that was it. She was very good, so good that it almost made me want to vote for her... had i not known that i totally disagree with her politics. What i saw and heard of Michelle Obama is irritating (she's such a liar and so transparent). i heard that the presidential and VP candidates were unimpressive.
Now McCain has finally chosen his VP running mate... and i am torn about whether to write in Ron Paul, vote for the Libertarian candidate (i don't really know anything about him), or simply choose the lesser of two evils. Anyway, i don't want to wax eloquent about the ins and outs of what's currently going on in politics, but i am paying more attention to it. Glenn Beck makes me laugh so hard, i know that the endorphins are helping. i'm not focusing on my problems so much as trying to get past them through finishing my degree. Who knows if that will actually work, but i'm not as depressed for the time being. That's something, at least.
Now McCain has finally chosen his VP running mate... and i am torn about whether to write in Ron Paul, vote for the Libertarian candidate (i don't really know anything about him), or simply choose the lesser of two evils. Anyway, i don't want to wax eloquent about the ins and outs of what's currently going on in politics, but i am paying more attention to it. Glenn Beck makes me laugh so hard, i know that the endorphins are helping. i'm not focusing on my problems so much as trying to get past them through finishing my degree. Who knows if that will actually work, but i'm not as depressed for the time being. That's something, at least.
K-Love verse of the day (yesterday's actually)
And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.
~ Ezekiel 36:26, NLT
Please do...
~ Ezekiel 36:26, NLT
Please do...
the intricate policies of college life that i am unfortunately at the mercy of
The people at Mesa State are full of b.s. There are these commercials about going to school while you're working, because "we want you to succeed," yada yada yada. There are very few night classes, and most if not all are gen ed. The college is gradually taking over the streets, so not only do you have to park on the street in order to park for free, you have to make sure that the street you're parking on doesn't require a permit. There are parking lots that charge by the hour (which doesn't do you any good if you have one class that's an hour and fifteen minutes) that now require you to pay through 8pm (read: half of a night class). It took them weeks to update their system to say that i had filled out a form (which i am still receiving in the mail repeatedly), no wonder it took them over forever to offer me my financial aid.
Above the parking and financial aid issues is the fact that it's so expensive now. Every semester they raise tuition, and now you have to pay for each and ever credit individually. This means that over my next two semesters (if i want to graduate in December of 09) that i will have to pay an additional thousand dollars instead of it being the same price as it would have been in the past. i know that this college is cheap compared to some, but even it is getting to the point where it's too expensive. No wonder there are so many people on campus who are gung ho about Obama and his "free education from K-college", inviting people to viewiing parties on Wednesday at 6pm... roflmao. He was only at the convention on Thursday.
Above the parking and financial aid issues is the fact that it's so expensive now. Every semester they raise tuition, and now you have to pay for each and ever credit individually. This means that over my next two semesters (if i want to graduate in December of 09) that i will have to pay an additional thousand dollars instead of it being the same price as it would have been in the past. i know that this college is cheap compared to some, but even it is getting to the point where it's too expensive. No wonder there are so many people on campus who are gung ho about Obama and his "free education from K-college", inviting people to viewiing parties on Wednesday at 6pm... roflmao. He was only at the convention on Thursday.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
first day back in class
Well, i overslept a bit (accidentally sent my last alarm to 6:30 pm instead of am... yes, i set three alarms, it takes me a while to wake up), so i didn't have time to shower or have a proper breakfast, but i made it to class on time and have pbj in my purse. So far i have attended Children's Literature and English Literature I and so far i don't feel as if i have missed much. Children's Lit seems to be a review thus far of terms that were drilled in to us in English Composition I and II and Brit Lit has been two poems (that i need to read) and the first part of Beowulf (which i have read twice). i have no idea what will be going on in American Literature I (my next class) but i need to reread some of Romeo and Juliet as that's what is being covered first in Shakespeare (and i haven't read it since my freshman year of high school so i'm a little rusty). i have the same teacher for Brit Lit and Shakespeare and i like her class so far... we'll see about the rest.
Now if only financial aid would get their butts into gear instead of taking three weeks to send me a form that i already had turned in over a week before i got it in the mail. "Oh, we're not responsible for when the mailings go out..." well apparently they aren't responsible for keeping their information up to date either, because it took them two weeks for their system to even register that i had filled the form out, and it should take less than 72 hours. i can monitor them on the internet now and i know how it works, i'm a junior for crying out loud... after two years of being a sophomore, too.
In other news, it's Brad's birthday, and after prayer and advice from a friend of my Mom's i've pretty much decided that (though it hurts) it's about time to just give up on him for good. Haven't really talked to him (except for a text message about his special day), but contact with him as been as strained as it was before the break up, only now his excuse is the break up. /rolleyes Yep, it's all my fault... moving on now (that was sarcasm, btw, except for the last part).
Now if only financial aid would get their butts into gear instead of taking three weeks to send me a form that i already had turned in over a week before i got it in the mail. "Oh, we're not responsible for when the mailings go out..." well apparently they aren't responsible for keeping their information up to date either, because it took them two weeks for their system to even register that i had filled the form out, and it should take less than 72 hours. i can monitor them on the internet now and i know how it works, i'm a junior for crying out loud... after two years of being a sophomore, too.
In other news, it's Brad's birthday, and after prayer and advice from a friend of my Mom's i've pretty much decided that (though it hurts) it's about time to just give up on him for good. Haven't really talked to him (except for a text message about his special day), but contact with him as been as strained as it was before the break up, only now his excuse is the break up. /rolleyes Yep, it's all my fault... moving on now (that was sarcasm, btw, except for the last part).
Monday, August 25, 2008
hmm...
i was reading a book in my Mom's bathroom last night, it was about lies that Christian women tell themselves/fall for. One was "I can't take this anymore." i'm intimately familiar with this one, as i've been at a rock bottom that keeps falling out from under me to find new lows for nearly a decade. i just realized that while i had been thinking that i haven't felt the Spirit in eight and a half years, it's actually been nine and a half. i stopped keeping track somewhere along the way, but this Christmas it will be ten years.
i've been reading some of my old writing, from back when this had all started but i was still full of hope. i boldly declared things that the Lord was going to do for me, messages of prophecy that i was sure were from Him. Those things never came true, not in the way that i stated them, and i doubt they ever will. Did i hear the message wrong? Am i a false prophet? There are times when i hear someone say something, or a sermon in a Church, and i want to yell out, to tell everyone, That isn't true! Usually it's when i know what is being said is taken out of context, or misinterpreted, but sometimes i have nothing clear to point to except the sixth sense that i have for understand what is inerrant truth and what is just a bunch of hot air.
i never yell out loud. i rarely tell someone they're wrong. i don't want to be confrontational and i most certainly don't want to confront anyone based on my feelings. How am i supposed to really know that these feelings and opinions are of God if He doesn't reassure me that i am getting a message from Him? Sometimes i think i know that He's using something to talk to me, but i don't know, it's entirely subjective and i must rely on my own wisdom, which--let's face it--is fallible. i don't witness very much anymore, my writing is not what it used to be, and i am not at all certain that i will ever find a story to tell. i lack the confidence that i will get through this, and keep on focusing on the feeling that i can't. The book told me that was wrong, but i don't know.
Why would i want to depend on my own strength? That seems to go against everything the Bible says. The book said to depend on God's grace because it is sufficient (i don't remember the reference for the verse), but what do you rely on when you seem to be cut off from God's grace??? i never wanted everything in my life to be easy, as the book presupposes, i just want God to lead me through the valley of the shadow of death. Even the book and my parents' pastor say to look to God for strength... What do you do when you can't see, hear, feel, touch, God??? i am blind and deaf and experience sensory deprivation and all i can do is cry out for help.
i've been reading some of my old writing, from back when this had all started but i was still full of hope. i boldly declared things that the Lord was going to do for me, messages of prophecy that i was sure were from Him. Those things never came true, not in the way that i stated them, and i doubt they ever will. Did i hear the message wrong? Am i a false prophet? There are times when i hear someone say something, or a sermon in a Church, and i want to yell out, to tell everyone, That isn't true! Usually it's when i know what is being said is taken out of context, or misinterpreted, but sometimes i have nothing clear to point to except the sixth sense that i have for understand what is inerrant truth and what is just a bunch of hot air.
i never yell out loud. i rarely tell someone they're wrong. i don't want to be confrontational and i most certainly don't want to confront anyone based on my feelings. How am i supposed to really know that these feelings and opinions are of God if He doesn't reassure me that i am getting a message from Him? Sometimes i think i know that He's using something to talk to me, but i don't know, it's entirely subjective and i must rely on my own wisdom, which--let's face it--is fallible. i don't witness very much anymore, my writing is not what it used to be, and i am not at all certain that i will ever find a story to tell. i lack the confidence that i will get through this, and keep on focusing on the feeling that i can't. The book told me that was wrong, but i don't know.
Why would i want to depend on my own strength? That seems to go against everything the Bible says. The book said to depend on God's grace because it is sufficient (i don't remember the reference for the verse), but what do you rely on when you seem to be cut off from God's grace??? i never wanted everything in my life to be easy, as the book presupposes, i just want God to lead me through the valley of the shadow of death. Even the book and my parents' pastor say to look to God for strength... What do you do when you can't see, hear, feel, touch, God??? i am blind and deaf and experience sensory deprivation and all i can do is cry out for help.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
lost in the dark
At night, when it becomes dark, and everyone has gone to bed, and the efforts of the day are once again proven to be in vain, i succumb to the dark. No one wants to listen to my rants, i do not want to give voice to them, but there are times in which they cannot be contained. All i see is darkness, none of my efforts will ever bring me any success. i curl into a ball, or stretch myself out face down on my bed, and as my body is racked with sobs i call out to God. Even more maddening is when i try to watch a tv show, or movie, and it is talking about exactly what i am going through, but there are no answers in it for me, or maybe it does give me hope, but what good does that do me? i am still alone and God is still silent and seems far away.
In the morning i feel better. The night's terrors do not grip me as strongly. There are moments when i remember, i long for something more, i regret, but i am not consumed by it, i do not cry. The morning brings me enough strength to get up, keep eating, keep breathing, but when darkness comes i may be lost to it again. During the day, all the hard things that happen to me, i try to laugh at them instead of cry, but when i try to seek help, or confess what i am feeling, people only tell me to stop qqing (whining/crying).
Maybe i should be on medication. Maybe i should just give up on God, since eight and a half years of seeking has not done anything but push me farther away from Him. His promises have not been fulfilled. It seems like it would be easier to die than to live through this, but suicide would not end it either. Then i would have to see God face to face and what could i say??? i would fall on my face and be silent and still be paralyzed with grief. i cannot live like this, cut off from Him, unable to succeed at anything that i have sweat and bled and cried for. The truth is, that in the morning my despair sleeps, but i can still feel it eating away at me, and i know that no matter how hard i try, without God i am still doomed to fail.
In the morning i feel better. The night's terrors do not grip me as strongly. There are moments when i remember, i long for something more, i regret, but i am not consumed by it, i do not cry. The morning brings me enough strength to get up, keep eating, keep breathing, but when darkness comes i may be lost to it again. During the day, all the hard things that happen to me, i try to laugh at them instead of cry, but when i try to seek help, or confess what i am feeling, people only tell me to stop qqing (whining/crying).
Maybe i should be on medication. Maybe i should just give up on God, since eight and a half years of seeking has not done anything but push me farther away from Him. His promises have not been fulfilled. It seems like it would be easier to die than to live through this, but suicide would not end it either. Then i would have to see God face to face and what could i say??? i would fall on my face and be silent and still be paralyzed with grief. i cannot live like this, cut off from Him, unable to succeed at anything that i have sweat and bled and cried for. The truth is, that in the morning my despair sleeps, but i can still feel it eating away at me, and i know that no matter how hard i try, without God i am still doomed to fail.
Friday, August 22, 2008
i have no reason to live and am such an idiot
Brad Dobbs is the biggest jerk in the universe and i am stupid enough to be hopelessly and unconditionally in love with him. The stupid idiot got drunk last night and spent the entire night whining to Megan and me about how i broke him, and his life is a dead end, and everything is my fault. (Allow me a second to frame my sentences in a somewhat clean manner....)
He just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that leaving me, and then proceeding to be rude every day for two months, and shutting out my every attempt to reach him, is utterly his fault. He could have stayed, but he chose not to. He chose to leave. He chose a lousy job and to act like a child instead of being an adult and actually making good choices. It's all on him.
i don't know what i did wrong, but i'm still stupid enough to love him and want to be with him. He apparently doesn't care that he's still using me and still being a jerk. i would still give anything to be with him. i am stupid enough to regret retaining my virginity and wish that i was pregnant or living with him, anything but being alone like this. i have absolutely no reason to live if his love is lost. My relationship with him was the only thing that kept me going ever since the beginning of the year. i have absolutely no reason to live. i can't get good grades in school, i cannot find a job, i cannot support myself, i have no friends, i have no future.
i wasn't looking for a replacement for God, i was just looking for a friend and husband, someone to spend the rest of my life with. But the trouble with God is that he's just as much of a jerk. i have spent the past eight (edit: nine) and a half years in Hell, trying desperately to find Him, searching with all that i am, and He only mocks me. Every time i open my Bible: "do this," and "I have promised this to my faithful... except for you, you don't count." i GIVE UP!!!!
i have no reason to live w/o God. i have no reason to live w/o even one true friend that's my age or someone who will actually love and cherish me. When my relationship with Brad started, Mom told me to guard my heart, i can't do that. The moment i guard my heart is when i cease to trust God, cease to love selflessly, cease to be Christlike and turn into the person that no one wants to be around. No one wants to be around me, not really, because i'm fat and whiny and a failure and depressed. So i look for companionship (forget help, that never comes), and just get emotionally raped by everyone i have ever loved or trusted. And i have to let them do it or it makes things worse!!! i can't turn my back on God, or my parents, or my aunts and uncles, or my grandparents, or my siblings, or my friends, or the man i love. i'm just screwed and wishing that there was some way to end this unbearable pain, but there isnt'. Suicide wouldn't help, ignoring it doesn't help, trying to make it better doesn't help, no matter what i do i am FUCKED by everyone. i'm a burden and no one wants to be around me and every breath, every thought, hurts.
Why doesn't God love me? Why doesn't He answer when i call, or help me, or rescue me??? EIGHT AND A HALF YEARS of darkness that will never end. Broken promises, and apparently not a drop of love for me. How can He leave me here to languish like this? Why doesn't anyone care when all hope is lost? No one has any answers for me, i followed everyone's advice, it only makes matters worse! i did something selfless, i poured out my heart to him, and now he doesn't remember, he doesn't care.
Am i so worthless and despicable that even the God of the universe will not answer me as i cry out to Him??? i am so stupid, even now i believe in Him and him, i still love them with every heartbeat, with every fiber in my being, and they only keep on turning their back on me, or worse, spite my devotion and supplication. i have no reason to live. i have no reason to write. i have no reason to try. i wish i wouldn't have broken up with Brad, i'm such an idiot, anything is better than being alone and hated, but that was where i was before i broke it off, too. He left me, he didn't love me, he didn't want me. i want to scream at him, slap him senseless, pound on his chest, i want to do that to God, too....
i gave all that i had to offer, and they spit on me and scorn my gift. And i am stupid enough to want them back, to still believe, to still hope. What reason is there to live, or eat, or breathe, or feel, when i am not reaching the lost, or starting a family, or sharing my life with the ones i love, or doing anything productive??? i was stupid to believe that any man could ever love me, that God cares enough about me to do anything to help me, that i could ever be anything but caged in the dark.
Give me the drugs so i don't feel, so that i am not this ugly person anymore, the one that no one wants to be with. Let me die in my sleep so i will not have to dream about babies i will never have because their father hates me. Tear out my heart so i will no longer fill this pain or try to dream of a better life. i give up--there is no reason for me to breathe, or live, or love, or think, or plan, or try--i am already dead.
He just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that leaving me, and then proceeding to be rude every day for two months, and shutting out my every attempt to reach him, is utterly his fault. He could have stayed, but he chose not to. He chose to leave. He chose a lousy job and to act like a child instead of being an adult and actually making good choices. It's all on him.
i don't know what i did wrong, but i'm still stupid enough to love him and want to be with him. He apparently doesn't care that he's still using me and still being a jerk. i would still give anything to be with him. i am stupid enough to regret retaining my virginity and wish that i was pregnant or living with him, anything but being alone like this. i have absolutely no reason to live if his love is lost. My relationship with him was the only thing that kept me going ever since the beginning of the year. i have absolutely no reason to live. i can't get good grades in school, i cannot find a job, i cannot support myself, i have no friends, i have no future.
i wasn't looking for a replacement for God, i was just looking for a friend and husband, someone to spend the rest of my life with. But the trouble with God is that he's just as much of a jerk. i have spent the past eight (edit: nine) and a half years in Hell, trying desperately to find Him, searching with all that i am, and He only mocks me. Every time i open my Bible: "do this," and "I have promised this to my faithful... except for you, you don't count." i GIVE UP!!!!
i have no reason to live w/o God. i have no reason to live w/o even one true friend that's my age or someone who will actually love and cherish me. When my relationship with Brad started, Mom told me to guard my heart, i can't do that. The moment i guard my heart is when i cease to trust God, cease to love selflessly, cease to be Christlike and turn into the person that no one wants to be around. No one wants to be around me, not really, because i'm fat and whiny and a failure and depressed. So i look for companionship (forget help, that never comes), and just get emotionally raped by everyone i have ever loved or trusted. And i have to let them do it or it makes things worse!!! i can't turn my back on God, or my parents, or my aunts and uncles, or my grandparents, or my siblings, or my friends, or the man i love. i'm just screwed and wishing that there was some way to end this unbearable pain, but there isnt'. Suicide wouldn't help, ignoring it doesn't help, trying to make it better doesn't help, no matter what i do i am FUCKED by everyone. i'm a burden and no one wants to be around me and every breath, every thought, hurts.
Why doesn't God love me? Why doesn't He answer when i call, or help me, or rescue me??? EIGHT AND A HALF YEARS of darkness that will never end. Broken promises, and apparently not a drop of love for me. How can He leave me here to languish like this? Why doesn't anyone care when all hope is lost? No one has any answers for me, i followed everyone's advice, it only makes matters worse! i did something selfless, i poured out my heart to him, and now he doesn't remember, he doesn't care.
Am i so worthless and despicable that even the God of the universe will not answer me as i cry out to Him??? i am so stupid, even now i believe in Him and him, i still love them with every heartbeat, with every fiber in my being, and they only keep on turning their back on me, or worse, spite my devotion and supplication. i have no reason to live. i have no reason to write. i have no reason to try. i wish i wouldn't have broken up with Brad, i'm such an idiot, anything is better than being alone and hated, but that was where i was before i broke it off, too. He left me, he didn't love me, he didn't want me. i want to scream at him, slap him senseless, pound on his chest, i want to do that to God, too....
i gave all that i had to offer, and they spit on me and scorn my gift. And i am stupid enough to want them back, to still believe, to still hope. What reason is there to live, or eat, or breathe, or feel, when i am not reaching the lost, or starting a family, or sharing my life with the ones i love, or doing anything productive??? i was stupid to believe that any man could ever love me, that God cares enough about me to do anything to help me, that i could ever be anything but caged in the dark.
Give me the drugs so i don't feel, so that i am not this ugly person anymore, the one that no one wants to be with. Let me die in my sleep so i will not have to dream about babies i will never have because their father hates me. Tear out my heart so i will no longer fill this pain or try to dream of a better life. i give up--there is no reason for me to breathe, or live, or love, or think, or plan, or try--i am already dead.
Friday, August 08, 2008
well, it looks like i've found a job...
That's right, it looks like i will soon be working at FedEx. The position i applied for was one to load trucks, but now they need a sorter, so i'm more eager now. It's a fast paced environment, physical without being too much by the looks of it. i would be sorting packages so they either go to Ground or Home and also helping prepare to load a truck to Moab. As soon as my background check goes through i expect to hear back from them. The nice thing about this job is that, while it's part time, it pays higher than minimum wage. I believe it starts at $9.25, with slight raises after 30 and 90 days. I'll be working 15-20 hours a week and there is tuition assistance... so i might actually be able to go to school part time. Anyways, that's what's going on, i'm going to see if i can sleep a little longer because i didn't sleep well at all last night. The biggest challenge of this job is going to be that it's early, it starts at 4:30, probably will go to 4am as Christmas approaches. i imagine that if i'm not going to school i will be staying up all night and going to sleep after i get off, just easier for the way my body already works.
Monday, August 04, 2008
changes
i am now back in CO and have limited internet access. i have my first interview tomorrow, and have yet to hear back from KJCT (they said that there was possibly and upcoming opening and now nothing). On one hand it is very nice to be back and see my family, and i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but... i'm feeling cut off. The family modem apparently doesn't transmit wirelessly (even though there's a wireless light and antenna) and right now we can only have my computer or the family computer connected to the internet. i haven't gotten to speak to my friends, i haven't gotten to raid in over a week, and i really miss watching InuYasha every night. To top things off, Abby broke my mouse (by stepping on the usb transmitter, which is the same exact thing that happened at Christmas, only that time they were jumping on the bed). The next couple of days is supposed to be a family campout, and i'm staying behind to try to find a job, so hopefully i will be able to raid tomorrow and Wednesday at the very least. i feel like i'm letting the guild down when i can't get on.
Last Tuesday i flew from Atlanta to Phoenix to Denver. It was all very much a God-thing in that for both flights i barely got through security and boarded with only a couple of minutes to spare (not late enough to make me freak out, but definitely no wait around time). i didn't sleep for over 24 hours and barely had anything to eat at the airports. i did have Coca-Cola on the flights (yum), but no peanuts or pretzels! What's the world coming to? It also turns out that everyone is required to pay for the bags they check now. What a hassle.
On Wednesday Mom, Dad, and i went to the CO History Museum, Denver Art Museum, and Brown Palace. i was sooo tired from all the walking, both at the airports and downtown. Thursday i did dailies and watched Home Improvement reruns, then ate lunch at Subway and lugged my computer to a school park to wait for Dad's conference to end (Mom was also in attendance). It was a long week.
Thursday i was definitely starting to feel the loneliness. i actually sent Brad some text messages, which he has of course ignored. i found out during the drive to Atlanta that he is enlisting after all, he's just going to finish another year of college and go in a summer later than planned. i miss him a lot, and wish there was some way to patch up our friendship at the least, but he is apparently not interested. Everyone keeps telling me that i'm better off alone, but that's not how i feel. i know that there are some real jerks out there that i don't want to be with, but i hate being alone and am always alone and it's depressing. Colbie Caillat's song Battle just keeps running through my head ("why aren't you sorry, why aren't you sorry, why?")... i cannot make heads or tails of why he became so hostile towards me. He promised to never hurt me and definitely broke that promise. i just don't understand what was so horrible about people knowing about us (why should he be ashamed of me?) and why he thought it was okay to treat me that way.
On the way home from Denver it occurred to me, people treat me like junk (to put it nicely), and if i object that somehow makes me the bad guy. i have been struggling with this a lot lately, the overwhelming need i have to defend my reputation and deny people's accusations/statements (usually quite vehemently). Should i remain silent and deny myself instead? No one else ever defends me. The people i expect to be loyal aren't.
People here are so quick to anger and take offense. i am so tired of trying to worry about not offending anyone. i'm an adult and still can't do what i want to do, what makes me happiest (as happy as i can be when alone and God is still silent). This is why i didn't want to move here, because my feelings and beliefs are either irrelevant or considered deviant. Everyone expects me to apply here, go there to socialize, when i am tired, and don't want it to be dictated where i go. i don't feel like going out and acting like things are normal, i need to collect my thoughts and rebuild and move on. But of course there is no time for that, i must do what is expected of me. Go to bed early (take drugs that i can't afford since i can't sleep), get up at the crack of dawn, remain silent when others are rude, and do absolutely nothing to cause offense (even when i have no idea what it will be ahead of time).
If i allow myself to think i get so depressed. Sure, it's fun playing board games/cards, and throwing a ball around with Katie, and reading stories to Polly, but my body hurts and so does my heart, and it's only getting worse again being cut off from friends and things that i enjoy. i don't know what to do.
Last Tuesday i flew from Atlanta to Phoenix to Denver. It was all very much a God-thing in that for both flights i barely got through security and boarded with only a couple of minutes to spare (not late enough to make me freak out, but definitely no wait around time). i didn't sleep for over 24 hours and barely had anything to eat at the airports. i did have Coca-Cola on the flights (yum), but no peanuts or pretzels! What's the world coming to? It also turns out that everyone is required to pay for the bags they check now. What a hassle.
On Wednesday Mom, Dad, and i went to the CO History Museum, Denver Art Museum, and Brown Palace. i was sooo tired from all the walking, both at the airports and downtown. Thursday i did dailies and watched Home Improvement reruns, then ate lunch at Subway and lugged my computer to a school park to wait for Dad's conference to end (Mom was also in attendance). It was a long week.
Thursday i was definitely starting to feel the loneliness. i actually sent Brad some text messages, which he has of course ignored. i found out during the drive to Atlanta that he is enlisting after all, he's just going to finish another year of college and go in a summer later than planned. i miss him a lot, and wish there was some way to patch up our friendship at the least, but he is apparently not interested. Everyone keeps telling me that i'm better off alone, but that's not how i feel. i know that there are some real jerks out there that i don't want to be with, but i hate being alone and am always alone and it's depressing. Colbie Caillat's song Battle just keeps running through my head ("why aren't you sorry, why aren't you sorry, why?")... i cannot make heads or tails of why he became so hostile towards me. He promised to never hurt me and definitely broke that promise. i just don't understand what was so horrible about people knowing about us (why should he be ashamed of me?) and why he thought it was okay to treat me that way.
On the way home from Denver it occurred to me, people treat me like junk (to put it nicely), and if i object that somehow makes me the bad guy. i have been struggling with this a lot lately, the overwhelming need i have to defend my reputation and deny people's accusations/statements (usually quite vehemently). Should i remain silent and deny myself instead? No one else ever defends me. The people i expect to be loyal aren't.
People here are so quick to anger and take offense. i am so tired of trying to worry about not offending anyone. i'm an adult and still can't do what i want to do, what makes me happiest (as happy as i can be when alone and God is still silent). This is why i didn't want to move here, because my feelings and beliefs are either irrelevant or considered deviant. Everyone expects me to apply here, go there to socialize, when i am tired, and don't want it to be dictated where i go. i don't feel like going out and acting like things are normal, i need to collect my thoughts and rebuild and move on. But of course there is no time for that, i must do what is expected of me. Go to bed early (take drugs that i can't afford since i can't sleep), get up at the crack of dawn, remain silent when others are rude, and do absolutely nothing to cause offense (even when i have no idea what it will be ahead of time).
If i allow myself to think i get so depressed. Sure, it's fun playing board games/cards, and throwing a ball around with Katie, and reading stories to Polly, but my body hurts and so does my heart, and it's only getting worse again being cut off from friends and things that i enjoy. i don't know what to do.
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