Hey look! I'm standing on my head! d:

I hate waiting. I'm a very passionate and very impatient person by nature. I don't want to have to work too long at something, i want instant results. That's why, though i am a hard worker, i finish everything as fast as possible and then sit back until it's time for my next task. But my life the past few years has been one monstrous task that is taking forever. It requires me to wait: that's what i get for telling God that i don't want patience! (;

So that's part of the reason why things have been so hard for me. God's trying to develop my patience and my faith and it's hard work! It may be the hardest thing He ever asks me to do. I'm tired, i'm frustrated, i'm broken, i've been humbled. I hope that i am moldable in the Master's hand. God's not through with me yet (at least, i hope He isn't!!! (8 ). I just wish he would hurry up... (;

Okay, apparently Aunt Polly feels that all i do here is whine. What's up with that? Why is it that everyone always seems to think that my feelings aren't valid?

Anyways, the past few weeks have been really hard for me. I haven't been able to find a job and am hating my current one more than ever. I seriously do not know how i got through last week. I was very upset with God because my praying seemed to be getting me nowhere. I am so tired of my life being hard.

And then yesterday i realized that i was whining to God (though not here). I know life isn't supposed to be easy but it sure would be nice if it were easier at least for a little while! The great thing is that God understands how i feel and actually enjoys talking with me (even when i'm screaming at Him (: ). He's blessed me with a reconnection with an old friend (Little One and i have been conversing every day! It's so nice having an honest conversation with someone who will actually encourage me and be understanding instead of critical) but my car has been unreliable as ever (though Mom and Dad say they'll pay for my car's repairs). I don't know if i'll get to go to the Rennaissance Faire in Raleigh this weekend with the NCFellowship as i want to ): but i am trying to buckle under (take it like a woman!!!) and work through things.

I have no idea how to keep going on like this but i also don't know what God wants me to do so i'm very uneasy about all of this. I just want to Run Away!!! but maybe He wants me to use the Holy Hand Grenade or something. Anyways, it's all very confusing cuz i've been trying to do the right stuff and nothin's workin'. Still, i've decided that i at least need to be trying to do His will even if i do feel like i'm way past the end of my rope!

Have to go, but i will keep you (is anyone there?) posted... Er, blogged.

See, this is what i'm talking about! Go Suzy!

I am SO upset that George Huff and Leah LaBelle made it to the final twelve over Suzy Vulaca on American Idol. She is the only one that i really really wanted to win. Why did i even let myself get involved in this show? It's just another burn from Fox!

As it is, i'm not really rooting for any of the final twelve, but i am glad that Jon Peter Lewis got to go on.

Suzy Vulaca Fan Web Site

So... i've been a bit silent of late, haven't i? I've mostly just been trying to get through each day. I'm enjoying going to the gym two (to three) times a week but feel like we're always running around like chickens with our heads cut off. We're so busy: too busy for my liking.

In church news, the entire Hickory Grove Baptist Church (and most of the Southern Baptist Convention) is doing 40 Days of Purpose. I recommend the book: though at first i was a bit disappointed it's grown to be more thought-provoking. The Monday night Bible study is on hiatus until after we (my Sunday school class) finish the book but we're still meeting on Mondays as usual to discuss the Purpose Driven Life study. I missed last Monday because my car suddenly won't start again, though this time there's something else wrong with it than last time. This Saturday my aunt and i begin attending a new study on relationships taught by the Alexanders.

In world news, Madrid was victim to terrorist attack yesterday. No one is sure who did it yet (of course) but the fact that it was the two and a half year anniversary of 9/11 was a bit of an eye opener to me. It makes me even more annoyed with my current situation as i feel i'm muzzled and shackled to a life that i don't really want to be leading. I mean, where's the future God promised me? It's very hard to wait.

I've been really mad with God the past couple of days. But i felt guilty last night when i got home and found a check in the mail that was returning most of my quarter of the deposit from the apartment Megan, Andrew, Sarah, and i shared: $70.50. Makes me feel rich. I'm very glad that i've already paid Megan and Andrew back all the money i owed them cuz i'm opening a savings account.

I'm looking for a new job but so far all the doors are very, very closed. I've been praying about this a lot, do not know how to stay at this job any longer (it's an effort to get through each day) but somehow i do it. It's not me but i don't feel God either. It's very draining and stressful and depressing. It's hard to stay hopeful. I don't know what's going to happen to me.