a little progress...

So, i’ve now purchased a small tent, a battery powered lantern (i would have liked to go with the rechargeable batteries but it was beyond my budget… so i went with the cheap $.97 for two. i don’t know if they’ll last as long, but until i get a higher cash flow, they’ll have to do), an air mattress, and a fishing pole. All of this stuff can be used for camping, but most of it is good emergency gear, too. i don’t need an air mattress, but i can no longer comfortably sleep on the ground. A fishing pole is important if you need to catch your supper, but right now will be for recreational purposes. i think that it’s important to be able to live off the land if you need to. i meant to go camping last week into this week, but things didn’t work out, so now i’m working on “bond and title my car” this week instead of “learn how to fish”. Next purchases: a camp stove (unless my father has one i can have, which he might) and a new sleeping bag (my old one is not big enough and is well used).

See more progress on: survive an end of the world disaster

whoa

When i saw the headline i had a sinking feeling, but after reading the article (hardly an article, really...). So Israelis dodge a bullet again. If i was Hezbollah i would think about getting new bombs... but then, i'm on Israel's side anyway. (:

news near, news far

On Monday i found out (when i got to work) that my schedule had been changed to Tuesday-Saturday, which equals 50 hours of work, not including paperwork. Unless i get one day off i will be working an excess of 55 hours. Super big final paycheck, but i was planning on going camping this weekend! i normally work Monday through Thursday and when Mike asked me how many days i wanted to work this week i said three and he acted like that is what i'd get. So now instead of having a six day vacation i'm going to have a four day vacation, will probably be getting my check three days late again, and i am going to be sooooo broke. i have to pay Mom for plane tickets to Savannah in October, a hotel room for Women of Faith, and i wanted to bond my car! But i just had to get into an accident a month ago and the guy who hit me just had to have $100 or he said he'd take me to small claims court. ): So as usual things are messed up.

But on Monday i did get to hear a caller on the Sean Hannity show who lives in Israel. He said that bombs are landing near people, between Synagogues, etc., but not exploding, and people are giving God all the glory. i wish i could find a transcript because the call was powerful, filled with God. But it immediately turned my mind to the End Times and the Tribulation period. i've always expected the rapture and subsequent Tribulation to happen within my lifetime, but after these new events i've had to ask myself just how soon? There are a lot of things about the Tribulation that i've forgotten or never understood. So i'm trying to do research but it's slow going. But my thoughts are heavy on this and my prayers are with those in Israel.

stuck in my head

red was the sky ~ in the flame burned alight ~ calling me to Your side ~ and require all of me

blue like the sea ~ tears have flown so deep through me ~ sweet release ~ precious peace ~ You have seen all of me

love of my life carry me to Your light ~ every breath that i breathe ~ all of me

time leading on ~ through the storm raging strong ~ say i am weak but You heal and You shield ~ all of me ~ yes You did

light of my life carry me to your light ~ every breath that i breathe ~ all of me

snow falling by ~ tumbling down soft and white ~ it's so clear such a sweet rhapsody ~ all of me

said You wanted all of me ~ help me ~ give all ~ all of me ~ gave me all of me ~ all of me ~ all of me

Bebe Winans All of Me (from My Utmost for His Highest: The Covenant)

i thought i had done this...

when i got a new job in April, but it turned out to the worst job i have ever had. i wanted to work part time, they scheduled me full time. i had to stay up all night to finish writing a paper. i don’t know what i was thinking ever marking this goal as done because i had an inkling that this job was going to be a bust when i took it. Maybe i should have followed my gut… then they wouldn’t have been able to rip me off. But at least i’ve had a job for the past three months, right? Anyways, i’m really hoping for one job in particular, but so far they haven’t called me for an interview. i already gave notice, so i really need this, but i’m just trusting God to get me through this because i can’t do this on my own.

See more progress on: Get a job that I enjoy and get paid what I am worth

yes!

Both of my title search letters came back and it didn’t even take 6-8 weeks!!! so next i need the inspection and estimate of value, but alas i have no money until Friday because i had to pay my stinkin’ car insurance (“oh, you don’t need to make a payment this month, but did we mention IF YOU DON’T NEXT MONTH WE’LL CANCEL YOU!” and they raised my obligatory monthly payment… figures). So this time next week hopefully it will be bonded! hurray!

See more progress on: bond and title my car

final at last

i finally gave notice at work today. i didn't think i was going to get through last week! So now two more weeks or eight days depending how you look at it. Then i want to go camping for a few days before we go visit Chubuncle. i can hardly wait. It's hard to believe that i've been at this job since mid-April. It seems impossible.

A story about "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest"

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

by Gore Verbinski

So, i took in a midnight viewing, chatted about Eldest (because i was reading it while i was waiting and the people behind me were in the middle of it), and was a bit shocked by what i saw. As far as sequels go this was not the best… but it most certainly not the worst, either. It had several good moments, was cornier than the original, and a maddening yet awesome conclusion. Let’s just say it’s growing on me. It was neat to go when i did because the crowd was loud (duh! don’t go to a midnight viewing and expect it to be quiet) and many seemed to appreciate it even more than i did.

And the only SPOILERS you’re going to get from me…

As a side note, i was a little upset not to see more of Orli (sorry, Bloom) climbing the sail (because it was in the preview) but that really was not important to the plot, i just happen to be a Bloom fan. But this nowhere equates to how upset i was to see AGAIN SPOILER Elizabeth flirting with Sparrow and what became of that. My heart just broke for Will. Sorry for the yelling, but it did. Everyone seemed to do things that were a bit out of character from the first film, but hey, characters change, look what happened to Vaughn on Alias (but that’s a whole ‘nother casket of bones).

See more about Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Why I admire Hugh Jackman

i just watched X-Men and X-Men 2 for the first time in a couple of years and was absolutely blown away by Mr. Jackman’s performance. It had been a long time since i had seen them but i finally got around to buying the movies and appreciate them a lot more after seeing X-3. He really is the lead character in these movies. i also feel like he was the only reason Swordfish is worth seeing. Next on my list of movies to buy is Kate & Leopold, another movie in which he absolutely rocks. i’m also really looking forward to his new Woody Allen movie with Scarlett Johansson (Scoop).

Learn more about Hugh Jackman

why don't i write more?

the last post took me thirty-six minutes to write, and i didn't even edit or proofread it. writing is exhausting and a luxury that, while i would love to have, can usually not afford.

Click again

i am soooo exhausted. i have just had this majorly bad week where i have been trying so hard to be positive and work hard and yet was so tired that i didn't want to try at all. i hate to say this (because i know i'll sound like such a whiner), but why does it always seem to be that the harder i work/try to be successful and joyful that the more bad/stressful/depressing things happen to me? i am just working my butt off at work and it's just too much for me to handle but it's like i can't stop: too many people are relying on me and i just brought home this new computer.

That's right, you heard correctly, Sunday the 18th of June i shopped around and "purchased" a Sony Vaio laptop eighteen months same as cash. So far i haven't paid anything except for the mouse. And i love my new computer so far, i've been wanting to buy one for over three years, but now of course i have to work so i can make payments and--let's face it--my job stinks. i work more than ten hours a day, four days a week normally, but an extra day when someone gets fired or quits or calls in sick/"family emergency"/drunk. The district manager doesn't like the fact that the cooler doesn't get stocked and the ice doesn't get bagged every night, okay, so i stay late to do it, and then she gets mad about that. There's no way for me to do all my work! This will be even more impossible when school starts, working over forty hours a week (because those ten hour days don't include paperwork and stocking). But i'm too busy to clean, work too late to apply for jobs, too stressed to sleep and get up early enough to get anything done. The three day weekend i now possess keeps me sane, but how long will that last? The woman i haven't even finished training is already talking about leaving! The new assistant manager is a joke, she can't do her job. The manager is going to quit or get demoted after she enjoys next week in Vegas. And i still haven't gotten back the $200 that my former assistant manager stole from my drop.

i'm so tired of letting everyone walk all over me, take advantage of me, and pulling me down. i don't want to be stressed, i don't want to be angry, i don't want to be a career woman. Watching Click again tonight at the drive in... it's so clear that Kate Beckinsale's character is a stay at home mom and they don't make an issue of it, it's natural, it's the way things are supposed to be, there's no angst about it except for the fact that the Dad is never home or helps out. Morty tells Michael "Your life was on fast forward long before I met you"... that's how my life feels. i'm always waiting for my life to begin, for something good to happen, and it never does. i love living and i am so grateful to God for all He has given me but i hate my life. How can i be a wife and mother if i have no husband? How could i act/produce/direct films if i'll never be able to get to LA or NYC? How am i supposed to write something worth publishing when i don't have time or energy to write, let alone a good story idea? How am i supposed to take care of a dog when i can't even take care of myself? i'm always dreaming, and lately it's been so very important to me to actually strive to achieve these dreams, but where am i going? Am i doing the right things? Why do i always feel so guilty when i'm just trying to be happy??? and not necessarily for myself, but like in Nacho Libre, i want to do it to help others, too. Is that so wrong to ask?!? Why did God give me these dreams if i am not meant to achieve them? How am i supposed to stop being depressed and angry and downtrodden by my life? i try so hard and nothing ever seems to get better because as soon as something does get better the next moment it gets ten times worse.

My body is constantly in pain. i know i should be eating better, and exercising, but again, where is the time? i want to buy a longboard and a ski pass this winter: more money that i will have to work for. i feel like i'm selling my soul just to get by. Here i am, a capitalist through and through, and i hate corporate for being so single-mindedly focused on making money that they forget that what's most important is a satisfied customer. i don't get lunch/dinner, i don't get a potty break, i don't get a break at all, and they try to pin drive offs on me (but won't make all the pumps prepay), try to make me work less hours while doing more than humanly possible, cheat me out of money i didn't steal, and won't fix the receipt printers, videocameras, car wash, etc. The whole station needs to be remodeled. We need more than one employee on duty at once. i need this job so much that i have to be willing to put up with anything.

How do i take my life out of fastforward? Sometimes i have wished that i could be like Forrest Gump and jog crosscountry on a whim. "I just felt like running." But i wouldn't be able to get one block without running out of oxygen or getting a cramp. i don't want to get sucked into the "must have more than the Jones'" mentality but i can't even support myself and there's so much i want. i want to travel the world. i want to own hundreds of beloved dvds and cds and write about why they have changed my life. Why do i have to be such a foolish dreamer? But i can't change who i am no matter how hard i try and no matter how many times i put my hope in God nothing changes. Life keeps passing me by on fastforward, a life i don't want, can't control, can't change. i want to rewind and start over, i want to wake up from a dream and realize that i'm still in high school, thin enough to run around the softball field and not get out of breath, naive enough to know that anything is possible. No matter how hard i try nothing will ever be enough to get me through this darkness; i've always known this. i still try: i don't know what else i can do. But i am nothing, God is everything. It goes back to Coach Carter again, my greatest fear is that i will fail.

i have so much more to say but no words to put them into. Words are never enough, no matter how much i struggle to put pain into prose. The one thing that should never have to be said is this: no matter how bad things get or what i have to go through, He still has all of me.