re: pathetic vomit

Something happened at work to set me off; i still don't know what to do about it. Things have been hard with my grandparents, especially since Grandma's heart attack. i don't know how to deal with it all right now. i want to get my own place once they go into assisted living (which could be within a matter of months) but i don't want to get someplace too expensive and i'm hesitant to have roommates. i wish my life was in a better place, a farther place, because i feel like i have been held back my entire life. i'm tired of having baggage and want healing and guidance from God so very badly. i really do not know what to do... and i know that i have said that a million times but it's still true. It turns out that it's kinda become my mantra in life. Maybe mantra isn't the right word. My sister Katie (who is reading over my shoulder) says it's a motif, the repeating notes in a song. Guess that fits better...

snowboarding!

My sister and i went snowboarding today but my camera phone screen has decided to quit on me so i have absolutely no pics. i barely had any reviewing to do before i felt i was doing as well as last year but i got tired a lot sooner than usual. i fell on my back once and it felt weird but it didn't hurt. My calves cramped a bit on the lifts and my feet got so tired that i just had to quit after my sixth run but i had a lot of fun. i'm sure Katie wishes that we would have stayed longer but i was a bit drowsy on the way back (so i made up stupid songs to stay awake) and took a nap during part of our viewing of Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest. i can't wait til i can go again.

Happy New Year!

i am pathetic

i really am. i am so much more than pathetic. i am pathetically horrifically pathetic. i am sick of being who i am and wish that i could just cease to exist. i am invested in the wrong people, complain far too much, and do not have the slightest idea how in the multiverses and multidimensions i am supposed to ever be anything but the most minisculely pathetic individual in the history of history. i do not even know how to relate how pathetic i am, i cannot comprehend grandious enough terms. Simply put i am so bleepingly pathetic.

Why am i still stuck here in this rut? Why am i incapable of a modicum of self-control or refinement? No matter how hard i try i am still chained, caged, trapped, helpless. i am so impatient, so loose lipped, i can't shut up, can't be patient, can't be discreet, i simply vomit all of my patheticness on everyone around me. Stand back, because here more comes whether you're ready or not. i can't keep it in. i don't want this ugliness inside. But i don't want it outside either, embarassing and distasteful and repulsive to all. No one wants to be around me.

i can't stand being alone, but me being me, being honest, vomiting, only makes me more alone. i try to ignore the pain, the loneliness, the brokeness, the anger, the angst, but i can't. i'm still sick or trying to hide my reality from everyone but still scared to show everyone the truth. No one wants it, i'm ashamed of it, it doesn't help... but i still can't keep it in.

i try so hard. i live my life, try to accept it without complaint (which i am apparently failing miserably at), suck it up, keep going, keep fighting, keep ignoring how much it hurts, and all i am doing is ignoring the problem. i don't know how to fix my problems. so i try to ignore them, but i can't. i'm over my head. i can never come to a conclusion. i can never get better.

Last night my mom pointed out to me that i said (not so very long ago) that i would never, ever, ever, take an 8 a.m. class at Mesa State ever again. Well now that i will be working 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. i'd kind of like to but i can't find one. i said i would never and now i have to eat my words. So driving home from home i started going through a list of "i nevers". It made me think of the game Kate and Sawyer played on Lost, saying "I never" and then drinking if they had. My list was "I'll never" and it was a long one, full of things i have dreamed of for so very long but am so very afraid that God will never give me. i wanted to lay them out so He would prove me wrong. i'm so sick of praying and receiving no answer.

i feel bad that i've not done more for my grandparents since moving in with them but i don't know how to give more. It's really hard to drive home each night, to spend each day there, with my grandfather becoming more alien to me and more hostile towards the things the family is doing to try to help him. i feel so bad for my Grandma. Yesterday he was telling my uncle (while they were both sitting right next to me) aboud the differences between Korean prostitutes and brothels and Japanese ones from his perspective when he was there during the Korean War. i got so embarassed. He's not my Grandad anymore. i never wanted or expected to hear him say so many of the things he does now.

i don't know how to go on like this. It is always like this, overwhelming pain and problems, and i am helpless to do anything besides take it up the tailpipe and keep on keeping on. i'm sorry, i know i'm being lewd, but i'd rather be using much dirtier words and am instead trying to write in a more refined manner. No curse could ever express the pain i feel.

i want to say that i'm swearing off men but herein lies my problem: i'm sick of pursuing God. i'm sick of my Grandad's disease. i'm sick of my father's anger being manifested in my own heart and attitude. i'm sick of being single but do not know how to be a couple even if i could find a boyfriend, nor do i have the time to date. The men i desire, try not to pursue, and make a fool of myself in front of all, without exception, do not want me. Only the creeps want me. And i hate it. i hate being depressed and a pessimist and so ugly when all i want to be is joyful and optimistic and beautiful and with just one person, one person to build the rest of my life with, God willing. That's all i've ever wanted.

new look!

As you can see i have finally update my blog's look. i thought that black was starting to get a bit old but i didn't want anything too bright so of course i turned to my favorite color, blue. With the new year more changes will be coming (i hope) making my blog ever more fabulous. And now it's time for me to stop lounging about and get dressed.

"God is in the Rain" (400th post)

That's what Valerie's grandmother told her in V for Vendetta, that's how i've always felt about it. It has to rain for the rainbow to come, the manifestation of God's promise to protect us.

It's been seven years today. Seven years since God promised me so much. i don't know if i was right to make so many of the decisions that i have, but i have tried most of all to be faithful to God. i constantly live in fear and loathe the fact that i do not do more to stand by my convictions but i am such an oddity in today's world. i care so much and am sure that i can do so little. i should not allow my fear or Satan's lies to paralyze me so, i know. i only want to do God's will, but i am truly afraid that the world as i know it is about to change. More than that i'm afraid that i cannot stop these events from taking place, change them for the better before or after they do.

i know i'm not making sense here, i cannot give full voice to what i'm feeling yet, but ever since September 11th i've known that the world had changed and would continue to change and i've always had a feeling that it will be for ill. We held back the dark for a while, we liberated Afghanistan and Iraq, but now things are going badly again. Democrats control Congress and universally seem to want to pull out no matter what the cost. i can't help but feel that they're forgetting what happened the last time we were attacked and have this pipe dream that it could never happen again. i know they're wrong. i can feel it in my soul.

i think something will happen soon. Maybe not will all this global stuff i'm talking about, but with me. i think God may give me a book or a job to do that will warn people or make a difference or something. Or maybe i just have to hold onto what really matters in my life and get ready to batten down the hatches. i'm still waiting for God to lead me whenever and wherever He will. And i guess that's all i have to say about that... for now.

V for Vendetta

The first time i saw this i was a bit confused about what was going on and wasn't sure that i liked it. The second time around was much better, as has been the third, fourth, fifth. i can't get this movie out of my skull now, with excellent quotes in it all around, humor mixed in, and depth that can't be tapped in one viewing.

The past seven years of my life have been hard, but i don't think i would trade them back for anything. i fully understand when Valerie says "...for three years I had roses and apologized to no one." To me this movie isn't so much about being homosexual or of another race as it is about being free. The government in this movie is led by totalitarian Christians who are unyielding in their "faith", their definition of right vs. wrong, which to me as a Christian myself is totally offensive and twisted. i don't endorse homosexuality but i don't think any government should be imprisoning those who are. i don't think the color of one's skin should be a reason to be beaten and killed. And i don't think that i should be judged for my own individuality and love of the truth.

The idea of a nazi-esque London is scary, even moreso the idea that this type of government could happen here in the U.S. Here i think it would be run by the other side of the spectrum, the liberals, but either way it's dangerous. All of these topics are sensitive, i know, but truth does not know any political boundaries, all parties are wrong on some issues some of the time, and i can't help but be afraid that the country i love so much is slowly becoming something i cannot love and will eventually fear. "People shouldn't be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people." i can't imagine blowing up the Capitol, the Supreme Court, or murdering key members of the government, but here in the U.S. the militia is vilified just as much as V.

Gun control is a scary thing to me, the idea that people in power want to take away my right to have a weapon, to protect myself in self defense, or join a militia and defend my country. But then these are rights that i am guaranteed in the Constitution and the government isn't really the country (even thought that's usually how we think of it)...

i am. My father, my mother, my brother, my sister, my neighbor, my classmate... we are America. How dare we let the government take away our money and throw it away on Social Security? How dare we let them keep our children dumb and brainwashed into who they want them to be!?! How dare they even consider in their wildest of dreams that they are smarter or abler than we to provide for ourselves, to build our own future, to protect ourselves. "Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free."

i have often felt as if every inch of me will perish, as if i am paralyzed by fear when i shouldn't be. What Valerie says is right, that our integrity is all we have to hold onto, that love is what is most important of all. "I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better," but most of all i hope i can be strong enough to be who God wants me to be. The near future may be hard, harder than even i can imagine, but i would rather see this country fall than become corrupted like the government V brought his vendetta to. i think this movie is a good reminder of the danger we are all in and if we let it will empower us enough by reminding us that we can change the course of the future.

what i think

When i originally read that quote i thought that we are in the complacency to apathy bracket but in hindsight i think we're in the apathy to dependency bracket... which is very scary to be perfectly honest. But think of how many people blame the government for Hurricane Katrina, expect the government to support the "victims", etc. and ad nauseum. i don't know if the quote was truly written in colonial times, but it seems rather accurate none the less.

i've been watching V for Vendetta a lot lately. V says that "People shouldn't be afraid of their governments; governments should be afraid of their people" and a lot more awesome stuff that sounds straight out of books actually written in colonial times. The point is that i'm starting to get afraid of my government, of the power they have over schoolchildren, and welfare recipients, and the outcome of the war on terror. i don't expect the government to be able to keep me safe from all the wackos out there, but i certainly don't want it to start taking away my freedoms for my own "safety" (which is where it's sliding).

Worse still, the government is stealing my money, money that i know i'm never going to see again (save for the slim chance of considerable changes in D.C.), and it seems that everyone is content to just let them take it. Social Security is going to go bankrupt long before i'm old enough to draw upon it, so i'm getting screwed over. Not only are they taking money from me now (that i need for food and gas and other necessaries), they're taking money from my retirement fund. They're taking money away from me and crippling me because i can't support myself let alone save money or supplies in case of war on the homefront or the complete collapse of the government. i know what the politicians are doing, they're trying to keep me, you, everyone dependent on them. i'm not a conspiracy buff, but i just can't see any other explanation, everything points to it. Democrats are causing it and Republicans are allowing it to happen.

i don't know what to do about it. Sometimes i think of Hyde and becoming an Anarchist but i don't think that's the way. i'm tired of being alone. But what could i do? What can little old me do when no one listens to me? No one listens to me. i just spent the past twenty-four hours upset because of that very fact, but now i don't feel so bad about it. Who am i to expect anyone to listen to me? i don't know everything. i know a lot, but that doesn't necessarily mean that my knowledge is meant to be shared with the world. What i was mad about... i don't even know if i should be hoping for what i felt cheated of. i need to be more patient, have more wisdom, and of course wait... i hate waiting, being patient, and what widom i have only irks me because other people are too stupid to have the common sense God gave me. Which of course makes me an idiot.

i know, i have issues.

i'm having trouble coming to a conclusion. Which is why i hate blogging, why i rarely write anymore... i always have ideas, never have conclusions. i don't have time to devote to my writing, or my art, and i'm quickly getting nowhere in college. Time passes so quickly. i want to say something about the last inch, like in the movie, but i can't remember what it said.

i still don't think that homosexuality is morally right, but i also don't think that people should be imprisoned for it. i don't believe that people of other races are inferior or superior. i think all of us, no matter what our skin color, have been given the same brains, bodies, and minds to live with, that some of us only have better circumstances growing up, educations, chances to use them, and the strength to utilize our gifts from God. Is someone not a great artist or writer or human because they are in an internment camp, or prison, or too poor to succeed, to become known, to fly???

"God is in the rain," that was one of the things i wanted to say. i need God. In five days it will be seven years and i just have to wonder... Have i made the right choices? Have i failed to be faithful to Him? Have i given into fear? i have no answers, no hope, no future, not without Him, now when He is silent. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to say, to ask. i don't know who to be.

i have to finish my two drawings for my Drawing final tonight and i don't want to. i want to watch V again and cry. i want to feel hope that God will prevail, that truth will prevail. i want to stand in the rain and know that God is kissing my face as i lift it to look at him. i know, i'm stupid, i'm lame, i'm sentimental, i'm a drama queen... but i don't know how to be anyone else, any other way, anything but helpless, hopeless, broken, dependent on God. i still need Him.

quotable quotes

what i'm reading ~ The Terrible Truth about Liberals by Neal Boortz...

...in which is quoted one Professor Alexander Tyler, or "Lord Woodhouselee, Alexander Fraser Tytler", depending on whom you trust. i don't really care who said it first, whether it was two hundred years ago or fifty years ago, i just think it's a good quote.

"A Democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can exist only until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that a Democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy, always followed by a Dictatorship.

The average age of the world's greatest civilizations has been 200 years. These nations have progressed through this sequence: From bondage to spiritual faith; from spiritual faith to great courage; from courage to liberty; from liberty to abundance; from abundance to selfishness; from selfishness to complacency; from complacency to apathy; from apathy to dependency; from dependency back again into bondage."