stuck in my head... and heart

the storm is coming but i don't mind ~ people are dying; i close my blinds ~ all that i know is i'm breathing now

i want to change the world instead i sleep ~ i want to believe in more than you and me

but all that i know is i'm breathing ~ all i can do is keep breathing ~ all we can do is keep breathing ~ now
~ Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson



there are no guarantees in life ~ not for the present nor for the future ~ all i know is that i'm here ~ don't know for how long ~ i love the way you live so intensely ~ enjoy every minute of life ~ with space to swing your arms around ~ laughing loudly

unlike me ~ unlike me ~ do you think i'm strange ~ unlike you ~ unlike you ~ i am not pretending ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ time doesn't really exist

the past, the present, and the future ~ are all side by side, hand in hand ~ you move and change yet you go nowhere ~ everything stays the same (the same) ~ you stare at me and ask me questions ~ makes me nervous (mm) ~ this room it keeps a constant tone ~ while i'm on a roller coaster

unlike me ~ unlike me ~ do you think i'm strange ~ unlike you ~ unlike you ~ i am not pretending ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ there is no time ~ time doesn't really exist

i dream ~ more life ~ i dream ~ more ~ time
~ Unlike Me by Kate Havnevik



i climbed up a mountain and looked off the edge ~ at all of the lies that i never have led ~ is one where i stayed with you across the sea ~ i wonder do you still think of me ~ i carry your image always in my head ~ folded and yellowed and torn at the edge ~ and i've look upon it for so many years ~ slowly i am losing your face

oh the ocean rolls us away ~ away ~ away ~ the ocean rolls us away

sixes and sevens we live on jet planes ~ so many faces i don't know the names ~ so many friends now and none of them mine ~ forgotten as soon as we meet ~ all of these moments are lost in time ~ but you're caught on my head like a thorn on a vine ~ to forever don't mend me and i wonder why ~ do i wish that i'd never known you at all

oh the ocean rolls us away ~ away ~ away ~ the ocean rolls us away

the sun and the moon of an ocean of air ~ so many voices and nothing is there ~ but the ghost of you asking me why ~ why did i leave

oh the ocean rolls us away ~ away ~ away ~ the ocean rolls us away

and i lose your hand through the waves
~ The Ocean by the Bravery



take a look at my body ~ look at my hands ~ there's so much here that i don't understand ~ your face saving promises ~ whispered like prayers ~ i don't need them

cuz i've been treated so wrong ~ i've been treated so long ~ as if i'm becoming untouchable

well contempt loves the silence ~ it thrives in the dark ~ the fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart ~ they say that promises sweeten the blow ~ but i don't need them ~ no i don't need them

i've been treated so wrong ~ i've been treated so long ~ as if i'm becoming untouchable ~ i'm a slow dying flower ~ i'm the frost killing hour ~ sweet turning sour and untouchable

oh i need the darkness ~ the sweetness ~ the sadness ~ the weakness ~ oo i need this ~ i need a lullabye ~ a kiss goodnight ~ angel sweet love of my life ~ oh i need this

i'm a slow dying flower ~ frost killing hour ~ the sweet turning sour and untouchable

do you remember the way that you touched me before ~ all the trembling sweetness i loved and adored ~ your face saving promises whispered like prayers ~ i don't need them

i need the darkness ~ the sweetness ~ the sadness ~ the weakness ~ oo i need this ~ i need a lullaby ~ a kiss goodnight ~ angel sweet love of my life ~ oh i need this ~ well is it dark enough ~ can you see me ~ do you want me ~ can you reach me ~ or i'm leaving ~ you better shut your mouth ~ and hold your breath ~ you kiss me now ~ you catch your death ~ oh i mean this ~ oh i need this
~ My Skin by Natalie Merchant



we'll do it all ~ everything ~ on our own ~ we don't need ~ anything ~ or anyone

if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world

i don't quite know ~ how to say ~ how i feel ~ those three words ~ are said too much ~ they're not enough

if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world ~ forget what we're told ~ before we get too old ~ show me a garden that's bursting into life

let's waste time ~ chasing cars ~ around our heads ~ i need your grace ~ to remind me ~ to find my own

if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world ~ forget what we're told ~ before we get too old ~ show me a garden that's bursting into life

all that i am ~ all that i ever was ~ is here in your perfect eyes ~ they're all I can see ~ i don't know where ~confused about how as well ~ just know that these things will never change for us at all

if i lay here ~ if i just lay here ~ would you lie with me and just forget the world
~ Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol



2 AM and she calls me cuz i'm still awake ~ "Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? ~ I don't love him ~ winter just wasn't my season" ~ yeah we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes ~ like they have any right at all to criticize ~ hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason

cuz you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable ~ and life's like an hourglass glued to the table ~ no one can find the rewind button girl ~ so cradle your head in your hands

and breathe ~ just breathe ~ oh breathe ~ just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss ~ just the day he sat down to the flask in his fist ~ ain't been sober since maybe October of last year ~ here in town you can tell he's been down for a while ~ but, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles ~ wanna hold him ~ maybe i'll just sing about it

cuz you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable ~ and life's like an hourglass glued to the table ~ no one can find the rewind button boys ~ so cradle your head in your hands

and breathe ~ just breathe ~ oh breathe ~ just breathe

there's a light at each end of this tunnel ~ you shout cuz you're just as far in as you'll ever be out ~ and these mistakes you've made ~ you'll just make them again ~
if you only try turning around

2 AM and i'm still awake writing a song ~ if i get it all down on paper ~ it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to ~ and i feel like i'm naked in front of the crowd ~ cuz these words are my diary screaming out loud ~ and i know that you'll use them however you want to

but you can't jump the track ~ we're like cars on a cable ~ and life's like an hourglass glued to the table ~ no one can find the rewind button now ~ sing it if you understand

and breathe ~ just breathe ~ oh breathe ~ just breathe
~ Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick



i'm on my knees ~ only memories ~ are left for me to hold ~ don't know how ~ but i'll get by ~ slowly pull myself together

(oh) i'll get through this (oh)

there's no escape ~ so keep me safe ~ this feels so unreal

nothing comes easily ~ fill this empty space ~ nothing is like it seems ~ turn my grief to grace

i feel the cold ~ loneliness unfold ~ like from another world ~ come what may ~ i won't fade away ~ but i know i might change

nothing comes easily ~ fill this empty space ~ nothing is like it seems ~ turn my grief to grace

nothing comes easily ~ where do i begin? ~ nothing can bring me peace ~ i've lost everything ~ i just want to feel your embrace

i love you
~ Grace by Kate Havnevik

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yesterday i missed the bus and walked six miles to work. i wouldn't want to have to do it again, i got a blister, and it wasn't really that bad, but i was so tired at the end of the day. Not really sore, just exhausted, kind of like the feeling you have when you get out of the pool after swimming laps, like your body is just too heavy all of a sudden and it takes a bit just to get used to walking. Coming back down to earth after being in zero-g must be something like that, only a hundred or million times worse. i actually fell asleep at a somewhat reasonable hour, at 12:30 am, and slept for eleven hours straight. i was that tired.

Today i weighed myself and i'm the same, holding steady at 30 pounds lost. Which isn't a bad thing, i would rather stay here than gain some, but i know that it's because i've been drinking more soda again and not been as careful about what i'm eating. i've had chips for the second time since i've moved here, and we're being less careful about what we buy when grocery shopping. Right now i'm trying to drink more water, that will be the next step, and hopefully i'll be losing more weight soon.

Today i'm applying for a job working for a TV Guide channel reality show. You can see the ad on Craigslist. i don't know what the schedule is like but i don't see how i can turn it down. If i get the job and it conflicts with Megan's work i'll help pay for the babysitting or something, but i think it would be a great opportunity for me. Interviews are next week, and the correspondence i have so far has been promising.

Megan's acting like we can't go to CO for Christmas now, maybe if i get this job we'll be able to make it, i really want to go. It would help if she worked more often, but that's difficult with the way i'm scheduled at Hancock Fabrics. Not to mention that this job is driving me into the ground. i really don't know how i get through each day, though the music on my iPod helps.

empty

It has been very difficult for me not to feel worthless and/or unappreciated lately. Megan has been really oversensitive and accusing, my boss has been demanding and for the most part ignores my efforts at work. i have had insomnia for weeks, am still exhausted at the end of every work day, and i have at moments resented others' lack of understanding or caring that i am giving so much and getting so little in return.A few days ago i was sobbing over the dishwater, abhorring the fact that i was acting like my Grandma and feeling the part of the martyr while simultaneously wondering why my life is always like this and why it's been so long since i've cried.

i'm going through several incoherent things all at once. i wish that i could do more, that i was more helpful and stronger. At the same time i feel put upon. i've given up on my dreams again to be here. i know that to the outside world that i always look like i'm just living off my relatives, but what no one ever seems to realize is that i receive little benefit from such arrangements, that i participate in them because i'm trying to have a servant's heart or because i have no other choice. No one looks out for me. My wants and needs fall to the wayside, are ignored because there is little if anything i can do to pursue them, and even trying to is depressing in itself and much more trouble than it's worth. i am not in control of my life, i gave it up a long time ago: it's been about eight years since i gave God full rein to do what He would and said i would trust Him to guide me, provide for me, use me. It is still hard to trust Him, to have faith, but i cannot take control back when i never really had it in the first place.

Throughout all of this i am trying to tell myself that i am really useful, gifted, needed, wanted, when deep down inside i never feel that those things are true. i recently read that if someone gives you a complement that you should never disagree with the person because to do so is to say that you don't trust his/her judgement and is therefore insulting. i always disagree with compliments because i never think that anyone can or should think anything good of me. i'm not a good singer. My writing is nowhere near as good as i'd like it to be and all my stories come from God or something i'm working through in my life. i'm fat. i'm alone.

i'm always alone. Satan always tells me that i'm worthless, and i always believe Him. i tell myself that i'm humbling myself before God. i tell myself that my father has never approved of anything i've ever done in an attempt to find his approval. The only men that say good things about me, encouraging things, are already married and so very unavailable. Not one single man has ever shown the slightest bit of interest in dating me, loving me, marrying me. i am so alone, living out one of my worst fears. Even if i lose weight, started dressing more sexy, wore makeup every day, did my hair every morning, would it matter? What good is it to change who you are in order to attract a man when all you want is to be loved unconditionally for who you are?

So i lie alone in the dark every night unable to sleep, sexually and emotionally frustrated, spiritually bereft. i try to write poems, stories, draw, nothing changes the dark truth or makes it easier to bear. Why would any man want to be with a needy, desperate, depressed girl like me? Oh what i would give to be a stay-at-home wife and mother, to never have to worry ever again about a career, paying bills, supporting myself, and being unhappy for the rest of my life.

i ignore all of this most of the time. i live with it because i must, because it is who i am and i don't know how to change, despite my best efforts. i say that i am not depressed but i don't really know that. i can live for months while ignoring how i truly feel deep inside. i have tried living without a mask but i know this only scares people away. i see little reason to be happy, when i can't support myself, where all of the things i hoped to achieve in my life have never been within my grasp, even attempted. Did i make the wrong choice when i didn't expect my parents to support my dreams when i was fourteen, so i never even brought it up? When i never stepped out in faith and moved to LA no matter what the cost? i've felt like an adult for so long, but even as an adult i am forced to play the part of a child so very often.

God has been silent for nearly eight years. i am nearly twenty-six and i can't believe it. i'm burning, burning, not for any one man, just so empty and unfulfilled inside. i know i should look to God for fulfillment but a husband is meant to represent His love for the Church, or is that backwards? All that i know is that i am in danger of falling into despair and hopelessness that is too deep for rescue. i don't want to give up, i don't want to fail God, but i truly do not know how to go on, how to keep serving Him, how to not give up on all His promises forever. i don't know how to wait for Him, for a husband that may not exist, to be at peace with where my life is. i don't know how to be alone and yet that's all i've ever been. i cannot see Him, hear Him, feel Him, touch Him, taste Him, what good is my faith? It isn't enough, i will surely fail him, and i do not have a Gollum to save me.

i have no friends. i have no social life. i don't know how to let people in, they always hurt me when i try. i want to write about love, life, hope, and i have no business doing so. i have no experience, i have no knowledge, all i have is theories that for all i know are completely wrong and off base. What am i doing???

i don't know how to go on, but i am way beyond such labels. i have felt this way before, not knowing how to get out of bed in the morning and face the world, go to class, go to work, be half of a human being and seem normal. It does not matter what i can or cannot do, for i ran out of tries, of ability, of strength, long ago. What does it matter if i try or give up? i am worthless, remember? It is all out of my hands. i trust God like a fool and huddle in the dark. My spiritual life is so much more real than my physical one, but Satan cannot truly touch me, only mock me with half-truths that betray his fear. Still, i am afraid. i don't know how to do what God is asking of me. i don't know how to get through the night, let alone the next day, week, month, year. i always marvel at the passing of time because i don't know how i have withstood its darkness or retained even a sliver of faith. But just when i think i'm done i decide to keep trying anyway. Like i said, i'm such a fool. Oh well.

searching for a new job

Sooooooooo... the boss cut my (and everyone else's, so she said) hours this week, didn't post the schedule on Friday so i had to call in for it over the weekend, then she's rude to me over the phone because i'm taking her away from her customers (i guess she is actually working on the floor this week, go figure), and i still don't know my entire schedule today, just that i'm supposed to come in at four. She told me she wanted to give me more hours, i said no, Megan's gotta work, she still gives me screwy hours and Megan can't work. So as soon as may be i'm getting a new job and saying goodbye to the two-faced woman. Am i actually on her bad side now? i don't know why i would be, i work my butt off for her and she's the one who's trying to revise the terms i was hired under. :rolls eyes:

So i've been looking on Craigslist but nothing legit seems to be forthcoming on the work at home market. i've applied one place and the rest seem to be scams. i don't really care to work in retail and last i checked the tv stations still weren't hiring so i'm hoping this one job pulls through for me (hello prospective employer if you're reading this!). Otherwise i don't know what i'm going to do for sure. i've considered sticking it out through Christmas break and quitting then, but i really don't want to stick it out that long. Of course i may have to: have to work, right? Got so many bills.

On another note i think i'm going to go to Mesa State online next semester, four courses r the minimum for full time, and internet courses are supposed to be super easy. i hope so cuz i need my gpa to come back up. Otherwise i will have to start paying off my student loans and i really don't have a way to do that short of enlisting. (: That's what Andrew wants me to do, but i'd still have to lose another 70-80 pounds. Gotta aim for something, but i don't know if this is the choice for me.

Creative juices have been flowing at the wrong times and are thus stifled and lost. Stress doesn't help. But i've been taking lots of photos of puppies! and wishing i had a better digital camera (like that's in the budget!). Gotta finish getting ready for work now. ): At least it's a short shift.

silence is weird

i really feel like i have no time to do anything when i work for eight hours a day. Work is always very consuming and exhausting. This is obvious when you've lost twenty-five plus pounds and you're on your feet the entire time you're at work. But i'm trying to improve myself, because as much as i originally liked my job i now dislike it. i love working with fellow WoW player K. but manager L. is just a pain in my rear. i can't stand people who say one thing and do another and expect one person to work hard, follow the rules, while not even caring when her pets don't do the same thing. i work hard to make sure our customers are satisfied and the store looks presentable but a lot of fellow employees could care less. They seem to make work harder for others on purpose. Plus L. says that my blue jeans look too "comfortable" while letting her supervisor T. wear ratty sweats, flipflops, and other dress code unworthy fare. Oh, and a lot of my pants don't fit anymore, some of them actually physically falling off me if i'm not careful, which i suppose is a nice problem to have, but i don't have the money to buy replacements at present. So suffice to say that i'm still working but am looking for a better job. i hate complaining so much but i hate it more that my complaints are so valid, otherwise i wouldn't make them to begin with.

On another note, i have posted a personal ad at craigslist (very hesitant but sort of desperate, isn't that great to admit) and have already received three replies (if you can call them that). i'm not looking for freak and deek, but really don't know how to meet a local guy. Everyone who comes into work is already involved with a girl (that's probably why he's there, he's with her) or is gay. i have not met one single guy at church. i have no extracuricular activities, no prospects, and am going out of my skull. After the roller coaster infatuation of earlier this the year and inexplicable development of attraction to an entirely different coworker later on, i desperately want a new relationship. Have i talked about this here? It was too fresh before.

i had the worst crush on one of the unmarried meteorologists at KJ. i was beside myself, i could not deal, he reminded me so much of Grandad and i was desperate with what ifs and hope when he turned out to be dating and utterly unavailable. It took me a long time to get over him, and then i started developing an appreciation for a certain flirtatious and humerous morning producer but he didn't seem interested so nothing happened. And then i moved away.

i'm so sick of meeting guys, getting interested, all for naught. i love my sister but i don't want her to be the only person i know in Savannah. Maybe i should figure out a better way to meet guys, but i don't know what to do. Anyways, i know i'm psychotic, but it sure would be nice to find someone to at least hang out with. At least at KJ i felt like i had a social life. (: