feeling rich... for a couple of weeks yet

So i finally got my money back from Full Sail, the day after receiving an insulting financial aid offer (only a month or two late). This week i am working sixty hours and also putting on my timecard the six and a half extra hours of overtime that didn't make it on my timecard last week. i had my teeth cleaned yesterday, will go in again for something to be done to the root that never fell out all the way (that tooth was pulled nine years ago). i also made an appointment for my wisdom teeth removal; they require a third of the money up front (ouch), i may look into their competitor today. i just want this over with.

In other news, my hopes for a puppy were dashed as Andrew doesn't want an indoor dog, but i bought a longboard online for about half the price that it costs at Traz (the local skate/snowboard shop). i want to start running a bit, too, which may be a pipe dream, but i want to eventually take up Parkour.

what i'm knitting ~ done with another part of Katie's Christmas gift, now to make it a pair; next i'll work on the next part of Sammy's gift (i found a pattern)
what i'm listening to ~ my iPod
what i'm reading ~ just finished Sorcerer's Stone, Chamber of Secrets is up next
what i'm watching ~ the next disc for Quantum Leap Season Two and Grey's Anatomy Season Two should arrive in my mailbox later today, Wallace and Gromit were good to me the day before yesterday

wow

27 days until Deathly Hallows and 17 until Order of the Phoenix!!! i can't believe it, it seemed like it would never come, and now it feels like it's coming really fast. i can't wait to read the book, and i wonder if the movie will do the book any justice.

interesting song

Linkin Park was on Jimmy Kimmel again tonight (rerun) and i remember noticing this song the first time (i've probably heard it other times, too). i like their lyrics and wonder if i should check out more of their songs.


Linkin Park What I've Done Lyrics

laugh so you don't cry

My newest trainee quit!

Hahahahahahahaha!

He sprung it on me, but is wife is due any day and he got a job offer at the community hospital that pays a lot more than here, so i don't blame him at all. But this means that i have to work this weekend again and it was set to be my first weekend off in over two months. Isn't life ironic?

tears and falling asleep

On Tuesday morning when i got home from work i found Oreo laying in the living room in an awkward and unusual position. As soon as he heard me he started meowing loudly and with distress. i could see that he was hurting and/or scared and called Mom to let her know that i thought that the cat needed to be put down. She called Grandma for me.

We had been expecting this for a while. Oreo was very old and ever since Christmas he went to being very fat to having skin hanging off him. His fur still looked healthy but for the past month i haven't been able to discern that he was eating at all. i put down bacon and salmon for him (once each, a week apart) and as far as i could tell he didn't eat any of either (the smell of the fish in particular usually brought him running into the room as soon as the can was open). On Sunday afternoon i let him visit me in my room, which was a rarity, it was only the second time he'd been on my bed. The first two times he tried to jump up he missed, he didn't make it up, which i thought was odd but didn't think about since he seemed perfectly normal. He was demanding attention for a while and then took a nap. On Monday he was hiding out per usual, mostly napping, but didn't even pay attention to me.

But on Tuesday morning i could tell that the time was upon him. His body was rigid, particularly his back legs, which he couldn't seem to move. His tail was limp. His front legs were weak, but he could push himself up with a lot of effort. His body seemed to be twisted and frozen in an uncomfortable position. i didn't know if i should pick him up or try to move him. He meowed a lot more if i left him alone or picked him up. His mouth was dry, his breath smelled awful, and he had a weird mucous on his lips. At one point i tried taking him to his water dish but he didn't seem interested in trying to drink and seemed more upset on the tile floor than on the carpet, so i took him back to the living room. i also noticed that his eyes were cloudy and dialated and was pretty sure that he had gone blind. All i could do was sit next to him and cradle his head and touch his front paws (he kneaded against me like a kitten), everything else seemed to distress him, even normal petting.

i was crying a lot. i couldn't stop thinking about watching him be born. i never really got over how much Oreo changed when he started living with Grandma and Grandad. i never hated him, but he was mean for a long time, he wouldn't let me love him. It's only been the past nine months that he's had anything to do with me. And he was in pain, and scared, and i couldn't do anything about it except take him to die.

Mom brought me a check for the vet and i drove him to the hospital. He was very upset during the car ride. i think he's always hated cars, but i also put him in his box and he wanted me to hold him and pet him and i had to drive. i walked in and there was no one else in the waiting room, there was two receptionists that i spoke to and helped me fill out paperwork. A cat jumped up on the counter and was curious about who was in the box. They asked me if i wanted to stay with him, and i said yes, because i did not feel right about just leaving him there when he obviously wanted me with him and had been waiting for me to come home for who knows how long. We talked about whether we wanted to bury him ourselves, or pay them to put him in a general grave, or they could cremate him and give us the ashes (which costs a wopping $75 and change). Having them bury him was the cheapest and easiest option.

i was ushered into an exam room and three people came in: the doctor, a nurse, and someone else who just watched. He (the doctor) talked to me about Oreo's symptoms and looked at him a little bit and explained that they would basically be giving him an overdose of a sedative. He said that as far as they knew it was painless and he would just fall asleep, then die. i said i understood, and i did, i had already known this. The nurse was there to held him down if he struggled, but he was too weak really, so she mostly pet him. The doctor had trouble finding a vein and kept switching legs, but he was already really bad and didn't have much circulation. The nurse said that normally he would be fighting and not like what was going on at all and that he probably would have died pretty soon had i not brought him in. The doctor asked if Oreo was a friendly cat and the nurse and i got a good chuckle out of that (the obvious answer being no). We then talked about Oreo's health declining and the doctor said his symptoms were indicative of diabetes, which was common for a cat his age, and i said that i thought that might have been the case. Somewhere in here i started crying again and we talked about how much of a grump he was.

They finally got a little in him and i could tell right away that he was more comfortable. He stopped fighting, and might have been asleep by then, but he never closed his eyes. The doctor said that he was feeling better but they would have to put it in his heart because his circulation was so bad. The man gave me a tissue and left, the nurse brought more of the drugs and left, and the doctor and me were with Oreo as he died. The doctor had to inject him in his heart twice, but he was alive for quite a while, just breathing peacefully. i kept petting him even though i knew he was probably unconscious and unaware. i could feel his breath on my hand because i was also cupping his face. And then he stopped breathing, and the doctor listened for a heartbeat, and said he was gone. He asked me if i needed time alone with him to say goodbye, and i said no, i had already talked to him before i brought him in. He wrapped him in the towel we had laid him on, and i pet him one last time, and then walked away.

Time had seemed to drag on, but the time from when i found him until when he died actually only took about an hour. i didn't cry for very long after he died, and was sad but relieved at the same time. It's still weird not having him around when i come home or am doing things around the house. It's weird, but i actually miss him.

stuck in my head

no one told me the right way to go about this ~ so i'll figure it out for myself ~ cuze how much is too much to give you ~ well i may never know so i'll just give until there's nothing else

yeah i'll give give give ~ until there's nothing else ~ give my all ~ until it all runs out ~ give give ~ and i'll have no regrets ~ i'll give until there's nothing left ~ i'll give

no one told me how bad i need you ~ but i somehow arrived at that conclusion all by myself ~ and i want all you have to offer ~ so i'll offer myself and i'll just give until there's nothing else

and i'll give give give ~ until there's nothing else ~ give my all ~ until it all runs out ~ give give ~ and i'll have no regrets ~ i'll give until there's nothing left ~ i'll give

sometimes it seems like all i ever do ~ is ask for things until i ask too much of you ~ but that is not the way that i want to live ~ i need to change ~ yeah something's gotta give

yeah something's got to give give give ~ until there's nothing else ~ give my all ~ until it all runs out ~ give give ~ and i'll have no regrets ~ i'll give until there's nothing left ~ i'll give
~ Give by Relient K from Five Score and Seven Years Ago

Night of the Lepus - reviewed at All Consuming

i’d been wanting to see this movie for a long time, but it’s hard to find, and i finally rented it from Netflix. When i saw the Matrix with my brother-in-law he pointed out that it’s playing on the tv when Neo is talking to “there is no spoon” boy in the Oracle’s living room. He told me that it was filmed in Ajo, Arizona… which is kind of true.

i grew up in Ajo and only recognized that they were actually in Ajo during one scene, when all the cops were driving through the town’s one light next to the Plaza. The characters would talk about the “university” in Ajo and then show UofA, which is in Tucson and is upwards of a three hour drive away. i did recognize that the desert is typical of southern Arizona (in one scene A Mountain appeared to be in the far background). In one scene it looked like the “highway” that a character was turning into was actually Ten Mile Wash (a huge wash that crosses the highway ten miles outside of Ajo city limits). i don’t know of any gold mines in the area, though there are some near Yuma the mine in Ajo is copper. The drive in movie may have actually been Ajo’s, but that was torn down before we moved there. On the wall at the sheriff’s station is a map that does appear to be of Ajo, but it only shows some of the streets and doesn’t even depict the huge open pit mine, Rasmussen, or the five acres area. The airport may have been Ajo’s and i think i recognize the location where the picnicing family was mauled as being a picnic area near the shooting range. But not much of this movie was filmed in Ajo at all, though they mention the town a lot. A lot of the scenes were filmed at the junctions of highways 82 and 83, which is actually southeast of Tucson between Nogales and Sierra Vista near a town called Sonoita.

Of the movie itself: they actually do a good job of making the rabbits look huge (considering when this was filmed): they aren’t particularly scary though, and of course we have to have the obligatory “huge” footprint in the dirt for the 150 pound bunny (all the people i know who weigh 150 don’t leave tracks like that!). The dialogue and plot is predictable and campy (as i would also expect of the period). Worth a look see i guess, especially if you come from Arizona.

The funny thing about rabbits in conjunction with Ajo is that if you drive from Gila Bend to Ajo at night during the summer you are quite likely to see upwards of one hundred rabbits commit suicide in a forty mile stretch. The stupid buggers run for the headlights and are of course ran over and there is nothing you can do to avoid them. So perhaps a better way to deal with a desert overrun with rabbits is not to poison them or give them hormones: it’s to go cruising late at night with your friends. (;

just cuz i feel like it

what i'm knitting ~ an addition to Katie's Christmas present (she's gonna make out like a bandit this year)
what i'm listening to ~ Five Score and Seven Years Ago by Relient K, Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End and Moulin Rouge
what i'm reading ~ For Us, the Living by Heinlein (possibly his first book, published posthumously, more boring than his usual fair because it's too much info/theorizing, not enough story)

i'm not writing or creating any art right now. ):

a slightly more rational update

While the previous post was about my spiritual condition, some may find it depressing to wade through, so i will spare you of that necessity. So here is the happy face, which is indeed genuine enough. The abbreviated version is that:

i'm not going to Full Sail because of financial aid issues.

Megan has offered her spare room to me.

There is a cheaper film school in Colorado with an accelerated degree that lasts less than a year which--though it might not be as promising as Full Sail--is a possibility and i am looking into it.

i think that for now i will focus on staying with Megan while she is living alone. i gave notice at work even when it seemed evident that Full Sail was a no go because i cannot support myself on minimum wage (even when working overtime), there is no way that i can attend school and work, and they would not give me vacation time during July because it's Sweeps (ratings). i work hard and try not to complain, but it is unreasonable for TPTB to be hiring new employees at a starting wage that's higher than mine, and refuse to give me time off when the MCO who works the morning shift takes a week off at a time every other month (albeit not during sweeps, but how am i supposed to have time off if he already does?).

So i suppose i will work for a while in Savannah. i won't be near my parents or siblings but i will be near my sister, niece, and nephew. i won't be going to film school right away probably, but i haven't given up on it entirely. And there's always American Idol (third intent to go to auditions is a charm?)... seriously, that was always in the back of my mind as a possibility if Full Sail fell through, because i know that i can't do both. So get some normal sleep, try to lose weight again, try to figure out what God wants...

i'm not really upset about not going to Florida anymore, i was invested in it, but i always knew that there was the possibility that it wouldn't work out. The past weekend was a chance to take a step back and let go: i meant to clean the trailer and start packing but things didn't work out that way. i vegged out and recuperated and thought through some stuff, and nothing's really final yet, just probable. A lot can happen in four weeks.

Right now i want to have time to read, create art, socialize, spend time with my family, and figure out what God wants me to do. Maybe i'll start an online business or write a book or something, but i'm just trying to be open to what God wants me to do.

belated news

So, my last post i was ecstatic that i had found a roommate, an apartment, been accepted at Full Sail, etc. It took less than twenty-four hours for my bubble to burst, and i fought it kicking and screaming... But because no federal aid was offered and private loan repayments would equal $650 a month i have come to accept that Full Sail is not in my future. It is just too expensive.

For a capitalist, i must admit that i hate money. i hate thinking about it, budgeting it, working for not enough of it, and generally drowning just to stay afloat. i never have a chance to get ahead. i can't support myself, even when working full time. i try so hard and it doesn't help one whit, which makes me want to just give up and forget trying at all. It's exhausting, trying so hard, giving so much, holding on to hope, only to find myself--yet again--back at square one. My best laid plans are always laid waste.

When i realized that Full Sail was out of reach i was crushed. i was angry at God, because i was so certain that this was what He wanted me to do, which begged the question: was it not God that gave me the dream to become an astronaut? An actress? And now film screenwriter/producer/director? Though i had always prefaced prayers my prayers by asking Him to show me if moving to Florida and attending Full Sail wasn't His will, when the answer did turn out to be no it was still extremely difficult for me to put aside my doubts, worries, despair, and shut down my mind enough to sleep, relax, focus on anything but how much of a fool that i felt and how angry and sad i was that everything i have been working towards was/seemed like a waste of time. i was so sure that God was pushing me in this direction, but even as i was mad at Him, even madder at myself, i knew that i had to pray, to tell Him, to reaffirm for myself, to Him, that He is in control, that it is His will, not mine, that is most important. In that moment i was crushed and felt like a fool for getting my hopes up, but i knew that there must be a reason for it, even though i still don't know what that reason is. So even while i was crying my eyes out i was determined to hold on to my faith and deny my inclination to put my desires before His.

i often say that i don't know what to do, and this event was not the first to cause me to beg God for help, deliverance, and/or guidance. i know that i'm nothing on my own, i know that i can't make it on my own power, no matter what people tell me. Some people act as if i'm a fool for having dreams at all, others act as if it is a sure thing that i will succeed at any thing that i set my mind to... Both viewpoints are inaccurate from my persepective. i don't know how to not dream, how to stop reaching for the stars, how to stop seeking God's will and guidance. At the same time i am weak, fallible, and incapable of being successful at anything of my own will, power, or volition. i am powerless, helpless, and i will not succumb to the conceit that i am capable of doing anything without Him. This is why i wait, not because it is of my power, or because i want to (for i lack patience in the most horrible way), but because that is what God has asked me to do.

i don't know if God will ever answer my questions, reveal to me the answer to the question of why?!?, but i do know that i cannot turn my back on Him. i have repeatedly felt as if i were at the end of my rope, out of hope, drowning and an inch from death (in a spiritual sense), but if i cannot succeed now, when fully surrendered to God, then how could i succeed under my own power and volition? If God does not exist, or if He does and i do not succeed in the task He has given me, then how could i face Him after death? So i am not suicidal, and no matter how bad things get i know i can turn to no one but Him, but that is not to say that things are ever easy for me. Just when i feel as if i can tread water and breathe, as if i am about to escape the cage, climb out of the abyss, i drown/fail/fall again. Even when things are good or looking up i must trust God for each moment, for each heartbeat of bliss, for every mustard seed of hope.

So i sound overdramatic; you try living through hell for a while. Oh, i know that i have food, can watch movies, play games, clothe myself, and am not in immediate fear of war / drowning / famine / rape / martyrdom / cancer / disease, but i am not fighting a battle of flesh and blood. My war is spiritual: i drown in despair, my famine is of the Spirit, my hope is torn from me, my faith tested to its limits. Of my body: i cannot lose weight, which to me is worse than the prospect of any other disease. i would willingly die for God, and so i put my spiritual life on the line for Him all the time.

Maybe one day i will have to die for my faith, but my biggest concern is that i'm not serving Him enough to merit that. i've heard the hypothetical question: "if you were put on trial for being a Christian, would you be convicted?" i am afraid that the evidence might not be as strong as i would hope, so i endeavor to make the evidence stronger, more evident. But as i say, i am weak, i have a long way to go, each day is a battle. Is it enough to live my faith, or should i talk about it more openly? If someone were to ask a coworker or a classmate what religion i am, what i believe in, would the know, would they be able to say?

i hope the answer is yes, but i'm scared that it's not. i have given in to the darkness too much, i have failed God too often. And the truth of it is that i don't know how to fight any harder, but i am mad at myself and God at the same time.

huzzah!

It looks like i've found a roommate! She's already rented a place at Auvers Village, two miles from campus, is a Christian, and it sounds like we're going to work out. i need to apply sometime this week myself, but i'll be talking to her in the morning about finalizing our arrangements, etc. She wants to get a cat, doesn't smoke, we'll have our own bathroom and it looks like we're getting a good deal on the place (assuming my app is approved). She said it's the Louvre floorplan. i'm so excited! Now i need to get my financial aid squared away, but i'm not as worried about that. Keep praying for me, please!

re: argh rant

Sorry, i'm just really upset and not upset at the same time. i didn't expect this, i wasn't being pessimistic or depressed, and this slams into me from out of nowhere. i'm trying to find an apartment and roommate and financial aid and am stressed about it. Someone e-mailed me yesterday that sounds more promising that anyone else so far, hopefully she will get back to me soon. i really could use some good news.

argh

So i come into work today, and my replacement (who's in his last day of training) is also getting out of his car. We walk in together, he asks for our boss' phone number pretty much right away, and calls him. Ten minutes later he's quit and is walking out the door.

i am numb. i'm just too tired of putting up with this kind of stuff to care anymore, it's kind of like i should have expected it. Why should i expect any better? i can't have anything good in my life, God forbid! So i don't know what i'm doing tomorrow. i thought i would be starting my new shift at 3, but now i don't think i can. The guy i'm supposed to be replacing isn't even supposed to be MCOing anymore, but who knows what he's doing tomorrow, either. The morning MCO is on vacation for the whole week AGAIN and my boss is doing his job and i can't get a weekend off, let alone a week.

This is what is so scary about my moving across the country and digging myself deeper into debt. How can i dare even hope that anything in my life could be so promising? Even the good stuff that happens to me is tainted by bad. i am being paid minimum wage, am overworked, still might not get to go to the better position, am making less money than my trainees, am unappreciated, but whatever. i don't need to be patted on the back to know that i do a kick butt job. i don't expect to get a raise when i go above and beyond because executives are cheap and i usually let people walk all over me instead of forcing what i want on them. And i try to be humble even though i can see that i'm doing more than my share and am doing it well. i just don't know what i was thinking, actually expecting to get to have a reasonable shift and a somewhat normal life.

So i don't know what's happening tomorrow, but i'm probably still on graveyards. Grr.

full sail ahead

Well i finally got the word from Full Sail in the form of an enrollment package. i've signed all the paperwork, will mail it today or tomorrow, and will be giving my notice at work soon. i'm still looking for a roommate and need to figure out my financial aid, but it looks like come August i will be in Florida. All of my admissions paperwork is in now except for this last document. Hopefully i'll be able to get my student loans squared away soon. The financial aid and housing is the most daunting thing to me: it's very intimidating to think of myself so far away from home. i've finally found a way of actively pursuing some of my dreams, but i'm going to be going deeper into debt to do it. i'm trying not to be negative, to think of what it would be like to fail. i know that i'll do well at this, i know that it will come naturally to me but also require hard work, but i'm scared of failure. i've spent so much time wishing that i was doing something like this instead that now that it's actually happening... it doesn't seem real. In eight weeks i'll be starting my new education and will finally be on my own for real. i know that Megan will only be a four hour drive away, but i'm still going to miss my family, and it's still going to be completely new and different. In two years i'll have a degree and maybe a job. That's still a long way off, but at least i'll be working towards the future instead of wondering what the heck i'm doing.

Anyhow, i'll keep you all updated as i learn more. Also, i am moving to the afternoon shift this week at work finally! Probably on Tuesday, as soon as i finish training my replacement. i don't know how they're going to replace me, i've been working overtime for over two months now, and i wish i would have saved more money. A move is just ahead!