Cto5k W5D3

i had no idea how i was going to get through twenty minutes of running, it seemed impossible. The first time i crossed the cattleguard i had to walk for a few seconds because i couldn't catch my breath. As soon as it was under control i pushed on. i stopped for a couple of seconds at the turn around point to get a drink of water and i felt like i could use it. So all together i rested for about 30s, and that was all i needed. The second time i crossed the cattleguard i felt like i could keep going forever. By the time i got to the last hill, though, i was having trouble pushing through it. i had turned around a little too early so i was running up a hill that i normally walk up during my cooldown. But i keep persevering and got through it, week 5 is now complete. It's unbelievable to me that i can say it.

It's also unbelievable to me that after seven weeks of running, i have only lost five pounds at best. It's incredibly discouraging after all the work i've put in. On Monday people were laughing at me and rude, and i was in pain, and i pushed through it. An hour later i got a cramp in my diaphragm. Half an hour after that my back cramped and i fell on the floor in pain, waiting for it to end. On Wednesday i barely finished both of my intervals. Today the last 2-3 minutes were incredibly hard. My left foot was in pain, i'm not sure why, i think my muscles were trying to decide whether they were going to keep working or cramp up on me. i could not have ran any farther, i don't know how i finished to be perfectly honest.

i know that i've made a lot of progress, that my lung capacity has improved, and my muscles can work for longer than ever before, but i still feel like i'm failing. i'm running so very slowly and still can't lose weight. i honestly don't know how i get through each day, it's a roller coaster, one minute i feel fine, and fifteen minutes later i'm depressed, and fifteen minutes later--if i don't let myself dwell on the pain--i feel fine again. But the instant i start thinking about the pain i crash again.

i am exhausted. i have no self confidence, am lonely, am having to force myself to continue to do my school work, i have no hope. i don't know what to do, i can't figure things out, i'm not feeling better no matter how hard i try, i feel like a failure. Next week, we may have a socialist for our president elect, and that terrifies me. This week, i am alone, with no prospects, and that terrifies me, too. i try so hard and my life just doesn't get better. i pray, and God gives me a second wind when i'm running, or maybe even a breeze, and i'm grateful, but it isn't enough. For all i know, something is going to happen to make me fall apart, because i'm barely holding it together, and something worse always happens eventually, always. God still doesn't answer my prayers and i don't have anything else to give and i don't know what to do. As always, just when i think things can't get any worse, they do: they so do.

searching for a husband

Looking for Love Like a Peasant

Subversive Virginity

For months i have been trying to figure out what i did wrong in my one and only dating relationship (HA! there was no dating involved). My ex was utterly uncommunicative on this point, he merely let me know that being interested in how he is doing is "nagging" and being honest about how i feel and expecting him to treat me with respect is "excuses." i keep seeing these ads for an e-book that will reveal how to catch and keep a man... i just get the nagging feeling that the man who wrote the book is saying that all failed relationships are the woman's fault. i don't want to pay to read that; i can't afford to.

So the Christian sites say to be modest... check. Feminine... not my strong point, but i am trying. Though i have always wondered what the point is in wearing makeup, curling your hair, etc., when you're only hiding the real you and i happen to like the way the real me looks save for the fact that i wish i weighed a lot less. i cannot control this, i didn't do anything to gain the weight, and all my attempts to lose it have proven to be an utter failure, even now when i am working so very hard at it. i don't understand the dating game, i have no prospective men in my life, i have no idea what to do, only that i am still far to obsessed with my ex and am wondering why, if "giving up" is supposed to be the answer then i still haven't found anyone??? After all, i never pursued dating relationships in high school or beyond, i never was trying as it was, and i did give up for a long time, which completely broke my heart, so if i'm damned if i do and damned if i don't then what am i supposed to do???

How are you supposed to live your life for what it is today when you have... nothing? i am a peasant, what do i bring to a marriage? i can't find a job. My education will bring nothing to a marriage, i learned how to be a wife and mother from my mother and grandmother. How am i supposed to live the life a wife and homemaker when i have no husband or home? Such a supposition is utterly ridiculous!

One of the articles i read tonight said that you don't need to wait for God's timing to find a husband, that one isn't single because they aren't spiritually ready yet... then why am i still waiting? Why is it that only one eligible male has displayed interest in me throughout my entire adult life, and he obviously didn't really want me and for some inexplicable reason felt like destroying my already fragile self esteem? No, i do not count the attention of the one "Wiccan/Christian" guy that was recently introduced to me because he is in no way eligible.

i don't have a bunch of things that i have accomplished, things i can bring to a relationship, because the one relationship i had never really was one. He didn't reciprocate my feelings, emotionally abused me, never took me on a date or treated me as if i were special. i hate talking about him this way, i keep searching for some explanation (surely there is a reasonable one), but i can't find it. The truth is that he hid my existence from his family and friends, broke his promises, and used me. Sure, he made me laugh, he gave me hope, he came to meet me, but it wasn't enough. A lady needs to know that she is respected, cherished, protected, etc. i still haven't found that.

Where am i supposed to find a guy? Another article suggested going to sports bars, taking night classes, learning how to play poker, and other loads of tripe. i don't like football, i don't want a leering, half drunk male. College has gotten me nowhere with men. i don't gamble. While it is true that i would like to marry a man who is educated, why would i use college as a dating service? i'm there to learn (one can only hope).

i am so tired of waiting. i do not want to hear that it will happen for me eventually, i have already been waiting for over a decade. i do not want to reach the age of thirty only to discover that i am still single and childless. i am not accomplishing anything by being single, i am not able to travel the world, party all night, or anything else that is utterly unfulfilling. i hate being a virgin, i hate burning and trying not to burn and being so stupid as to think that random men and movie stars might one day swoop down and make my waiting worthwhile. If it hasn't happened in the past decade then why would it suddenly happen once i turn 27? It's all such utter b.s. It doesn't matter if i'm thin or fat, if my hair is long or short, if i wear feminine clothing or masculine, none of it has ever gotten me anywhere. i have never had a prospective mate and not for lack of trying (it is now clear that with my ex i was only fooling myself because he did nothing to imply that he actually wanted to marry me).

How is it good for anyone's self esteem to always be the one wanting and never the one wanted, or if i was ever wanted, why have i never ever been pursued? i am so tired of pursuing everyone and everything, God, a husband, a friend, a healthy body, happiness, a story to write, a job, a ministry, anything to make my life worthwhile. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Proverbs 13:12), and as a result i am very, very sick. Everything in my life is deferred, i am continually waiting because everything that i pursue, sweat, bleed, and cry for, never ever comes to fruition. i'm living in my parent's attic with thousands of dollars of debt trying to get an education and be selfless, serving the needs of others, how is it helping?

How can i have such horribly bad luck? But i don't believe in luck. "Delight yourself in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4)... only He doesn't. When have i ever gotten the desire of my heart? The last time i can think of was in preschool when i got to be the bunny rabbit in the stupid Christmas pageant, how does someone devote over twenty years of service to God and not get any of their heart's desires fulfilled?!? i feel like i've wasted my entire life, but what was i supposed to do? i love God, i adore Him, i will do anything for Him that He asks, and what have i gotten for it?

i don't want to be selfish: i just want to find a way to survive. i am tired of being depressed, of wondering if i'm going crazy when i feel so sane and normal. i am tired of being so alone when i'm trying so hard to make friends and fulfill others' expectations. i try so hard to fulfill God's expectations, even though i really have no idea what they are anymore. i am so lost. i am exhausted.

Is it too much to ask for a little reward for my hard work?

The Wall: Growing Up Behind the Iron Curtain (oral report for Children's Lit)

Written and Illustrated by Peter Sís
New York: Frances Foster Books, 2007.

The Wall: Growing Up Behind the Iron Curtain is an auto-biographical picture book written and illustrated by Peter Sís and was published in 2007. Sís wrote The Wall because, when his children as young teenagers asked him what it was like to grow up in the communist city of Prague, Czechoslovakia, during the Cold War he found that it was difficult to explain how he wasn’t allowed to draw what he wanted in school, or listen to rock and roll, and how America seemed so much brighter and full of hope compared to his life. So he wrote and illustrated this book instead, using his own journal entries, photographs, and paintings to help remember.

The book follows Sís as he draws his way through life from birth, through his childhood, and into young adulthood. It tells the author’s story in a simple way that younger children can enjoy, but it also has content such as definitions and history that will probably only be fully appreciated by children that are a little older, probably in the mid to upper elementary grades. Thought the main character is a boy, I think that anyone of any age can appreciate and learn from this book.

The illustrations are complex and full of details despite the fact that most are only in black and white and red, which emphasizes the conformity and national loyalty that the Czechoslovakian people were expected to display. This book would not have worked without the illustrations. The protagonist’s artwork and dreams are always bright and full of color and therefore very clearly breaking the rules. Sometimes the color is hiding in corners, in fact there is only one full color illustration in the book, which is the type of drawing that he had to hide and he was full of hope, compared with another that depicts the kind of things he was supposed to draw in elementary school, and the dark events that happened when censorship resumed after a brief period of more freedom.

oowwwwwieeeeee a.k.a. Cto5k W5D1 redux

So i ran today outside in the elements and it was a pleasant 70 degrees. i drove by Stocker Stadium and kids (/gasp, i mean, young adults of the high school variety) were unloading football and cheerleading paraphernalia off a bus, so i decided to keep driving. i didn't want to run on the indoor track in the stuffy gym, so i headed to Sherwood Park and had my first sidewalk running experience. It wasn't entirely pleasant. Oh, the weather was nearly perfect, but it's not fun dodging teenagers and senior citizens and smokers when you feel like you're making a fool of yourself to begin with. Today i was running "really really slowly... Hit it like you mean it!" and at least two cars drove by full of teenagers that were laughing their heads off right when they passed me (hey, maybe i'm just paranoid, but it still felt like it was directed towards me). So... between the being paranoid about people watching, the chance of slipping on leaves, and otherwise injuring myself when i was already sore (i have no idea why)... it wasn't the most pleasant experience. My shins felt the impact most of all, and my back was unpleasantly tight, but i will say that it wasn't my lung capacity that was at fault for a change. i finished all three intervals, save for stopping 10-15s short at the end of my second (why didn't i just push through...? Maybe because my legs were killing me and it was all i could do to keep walking). Sherwood Park is definitely more hilly then you would think when just driving by, but the inclines, while not that lengthy, were definitely more steep than what i am used to. Yes, today was definitely a challenge.

For some reason, i was the only person exercising in the entire park. There was someone sleeping under a tree that made me feel a completely different type of paranoia ("if he jumps up and starts chasing me, i don't have the energy or adrenaline to run away... when is this interval going to be over?!?"), the four standing in the middle of the sidewalk laughed at me because i am wearing a "I Voted Touchscreen" sticker, and the smoker and senior citizen were surprised when i waved (in fact, the old fogie was utterly unresponsive). Yeah, not the funnest half hour, but i got through it.

Now i have to get back to my oral report for Children's Lit tomorrow. It took three librarians and me a while to find the book i was looking for (The Wall: Growing Up Behind the Iron Curtain by Peter Sis) because i couldn't remember the author, thought he was Ukranian instead of Czech, and was in Non-Fiction rather than with the auto-biographies or picture books even though it's an auto-biographical picture book. Fun, huh?

Cto5k progress

i have been in a weird headspace lately and haven't really had anything that i could put into words. i haven't been able to remember my dreams lately, something which is extremely odd for me. And then in the past week i had two very weird dreams, one where i was five months pregnant and had absolutely no idea what was going on, then another where i was at KJCT seeing all the people i used to work with and feeling particularly amorous towards one cute former-co-worker that i was never particularly interested in as i recall (though i do remember that i always thought he is cute).

Hm, it seems i have digressed a bit. Well, sense the last time i posted, i have gained back seven of the nine pounds that i had lost. In other words, i've been kicking my butt for nothing, at least that's the way it seemed. Working out on the elliptical trainer seemed pleasant enough, and gave me time to focus on happy thoughts... and eventually not so happy ones. i was trying to run Tuesday Thursday Saturday this week for Week 5, but today i did not run. On Thursday i felt like going to the track and enjoying the lovely weather and failed miserably at running eight minutes straight. i just couldn't breathe: i think that it was a combination of how i had gotten used to the warm air in the gym, might be getting a cold (i certainly was coughing Thursday night), and how the evening workout just doesn't agree with me at all. So next week i am going to go back to running outside, possibly buy some warmer workout clothes with my house/petsitting check, and repeat week 5. i was doing fine on Day 1 on the elliptical, we'll just have to see how it goes on the track.

Cto5k W4D3

i went to the gym again today, used the elliptical trainer but didn't lift weights. My arms were sore yesterday, i guess i overdid it. i'll try to adjust my weightlifting schedule accordingly next week. Today went fine; i added more resistance, and didn't get my heartrate up quite as high (there was only one spike near the end of my workout). i am quite astonished at how easy week four seemed, and am wondering if it's just because there isn't the high impact factor anymore (now that i'm using the elliptical trainer). i would not say that i'm not working hard enough, merely that it's easier than i expected. And i enjoy it so much! Running outside is nice but doesn't give me quite the same amount of enjoyment, i usually feel like i have to force myself to run. ): Listening to the podcast along with the music i put onto my phone is uplifting (i actually listened to the podcast while writing a paper yesterday, and it was odd to hear the chimes, i felt like jumping out of my seat), and on the elliptical trainer i'm always ready for the next interval. i think that next week i will try using the elliptical on Monday and Wednesday, and--if the good weather holds--go the track at Stocker Stadium on Friday instead. i think that it will be better with my last day of the workout being out there and doing it while the gym provides a safer build up in strength. Next Friday should prove interesting with its 20 minute run, but for now... Week 4 complete!

Self-Reliance or Christ-Reliance? (for American Lit)

Ralph Waldo Emerson’s “Self-Reliance” takes an interesting look at self awareness and how to distinguish between right and wrong. He does not believe in the Tabula Rasa as John Locke did (490), or in man’s sinful nature as is taught in the Bible, but that all men are inherently good and innately aware of what is right and wrong. Though Emerson wrote Self-Reliance over 160 years ago, his words are still applicable today.

Emerson begins by saying of poems that “The sentiment they instill is of more value than any thought they may contain. To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart, is true for all men,—that is genius” (533). This concept brings to mind the idea that the medium is the message, but of course that sentiment did not come until later, and is not exactly the same. The statement brings to mind what he said in “Nature,” that: “I am not solitary whilst I read and write, though nobody is with me” (493). I believe that this is true with all art, that while we are perceiving or creating it we feel as if we are part of something more. Emerson here attributes this to all mankind, as if we have a collective consciousness; for my part I have always thought that it is God (or, to be more precise, the Holy Spirit). I have often felt that He is my muse, the glass through which I see the universe, and would never be so bold as to state that all my artistic concepts are shared by the entirety of humankind. I do, however, also realize that we are connected in more ways than is readily apparent, but not everyone shares the same wavelength. “To speak truly, few adult persons can see nature” (494), so those of us who are not mundane cannot have the same consciousness as those who are, and those of us who are Christians will perceive things differently than a Muslim, Jew, Wiccan, or Atheist.

Emerson goes on to write: “There is a time in every man’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide” (533). I have not yet reached this point, though it is, I confess, what I strain to achieve. Most of my writing right now is in response to what others have said or written, such as my fanfiction that is inspired by television shows and books that have struck a chord within me. My own education doesn’t seem to be helping in this regard, because my professors rarely ask me to write anything original, they also wish for me to respond. I sometimes wonder if there is even an original thought in my head for me to call my own. Will I ever find my own stories to tell? I suppose that Emerson would tell me that I am too full of fear, for “God will not have his work made manifest by cowards” 533.

Still, I feel well suited to the era in which I live, as Emerson seems to have, as well (534). I agree with the concept that: “Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist. He who would gather immortal palms must not be hindered by the name of goodness, but must explore if it be goodness” (535). Many Christians avoid doing anything that has the appearance of evil, which is a Biblical concept, yet at the same time their definition of what is evil does not always match God’s. I was raised to believe that I should not dance or drink, yet David danced to worship God for giving him victory, and Jesus Himself turned water into wine, drank wine, and commanded His disciples to follow His example every time they met. Over time I have decided that I must discover for myself what is actually good versus what is bad, not everyone seems to have the same opinions about this, and some are greatly offended by my choices as a result, but I in turn am offended by their insistence in placing limitations on mankind that God did not intend.

The danger in this is assuming, as Emerson did, that “No law can be sacred…but that of my nature” (535). If it is up to each man to decide what the law should be, no one can wholly agree. I was raised to believe that laws should be based upon the Bible: but even someone who is Jewish might not completely agree with me on what that means. Some people are Jews only in heritage, others follow the Law as set down in the Pentateuch, and I believe that Jesus perfected the Law and freed us from the requirement to follow it exactly in order to obtain salvation. An Atheist will scoff at the concepts entirely and tell me to check my morals at the door. Though I have faith that my beliefs are valid, I cannot force them on anyone, which is why I have come to the conclusion that the Libertarians have the right idea: no law should be passed that limits a person’s freedom as long as that person isn’t hurting anyone else. Emerson was “ashamed to think how easily we capitulate to badges and names, to large societies and dead institutions” (535), but these badges are how we are able to define ourselves and what makes each person unique and yet one with those who believe in the same way.

“You will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you” but I strive to be the one “who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. The objection to conform in to usages that have become dead to you, is that it scatters your force” (536). What is ironic about the fact that I agree with this statement is that Emerson goes on to say that the church is dead (536). I would certainly say that the church is struggling, but I will never submit that the Bible has wholly lost its effectiveness. The difficulties that I have experienced in my life has not turned me away from God, on the contrary they have been the catalyst that made me pursue Him with even more fervor.

For someone who puts forth that all men are good, Emerson seems to have a lack of faith in who he terms as “the ignorant and poor” (537). He’s such an elitist; God’s gifts are meant for everyone, not just those who are born into wealth. His suppositions do not always match up with one another. I have always believed: “is it so bad then to be misunderstood?...To be great is to be misunderstood” (538); maybe my surrender to the concept that I am not normal, not mundane, makes me elitist in my own way. I know that my life is still a work in progress, but I agree with Emerson when he writes: “Your conformity explains nothing. Act singly, and what you have already done singly, will justify you now. Greatness always appeals to the future” (538).

Emerson hopes that “we have heard the last of conformity and consistency” (539), but I feel that it has only gotten worse over time. Children are sent to public schools where they learn the same things, take the tests to make sure they measure up to their peers, and are not expected to excel, to stand apart, to march to their own drum. I’ve never been comfortable with being forced into any mold. “Every true man is a cause, a country, and an age; requires infinite spaces and numbers and time fully to accomplish his thought” (539).

Despite Emerson’s doubts, he does always come back to acknowledging God—“We lie in the lap of immense intelligence, which makes us organs of its activity and receivers of its truth” (540)—yet he sadly does not seem to have a personal relationship with Christ. He stands in awe of God, acknowledges that we “exist with God to-day” (541), and acknowledges Him so many times, yet I somehow I feel as if he is missing something. Maybe it is Emerson’s emphasis on self reliance—“Nothing can bring you peace but yourself” (550)—when I have always felt that nothing is worthwhile without reliance in Christ, the Prince of Peace.

Cto5k W4, D2

i needed to return a dvd and a couple of books to the library today (i really should have returned them yesterday, truth be told), so i decided to go to the college gym again. Truth be told, i love the weather outside right now, but i feel as if i get a much better workout on the elliptical trainer (more burn, less impact and chance for injury) and i really want to make it a habit of lifting weights. In addition, winter is fast approaching, as we have already had unseasonably cool weather and our first freeze of the season weeks earlier than usual (i knew we were going to have an early winter, and so far this is proving to be the case).

Today i used a newer machine, the same brand as what i was used to, but i didn't get the settings quite right. i had more of an incline than i should of and less resistance than i should have. i was also very energetic today, i got my heart rate up during the walking period and kept it up the entire time, even higher than my last workout, truth be told, but once again was not out of breath at any time. My body can do this, easily, even when i feel it afterwards, and my lung capacity has improved so much that i'm very happy with how things are going. Plus the scale that's only a couple of years old at they gym is telling me that i'm losing weight, four pounds so far this week, whereas the decades old scale at the church is not telling me this at all... i'll see how it compares when i weigh in tomorrow.

So for all intents and purposes, i believe it is safe to say that i was running during my warm up today, so i'm not sure quite how long i ran, but i definitely am not having any trouble with week 4. i keep bounding up stairs and am suddenly hit with the burn when i reach the top (like i said, there was a little too much incline today), but other than that i feel great. i was dancing as i was driving home, i couldn't help it. i'm definitely having a much better day today than i was on Monday.

In other news, i have my first follower! He's from the C25k forum that i've decided to no longer frequent because certain mods are rude to me. Anyways, you can always read up more on my workouts by clicking on the MapMyRun button to the right, i'm about to go update today's Workout Log right now, as a matter of fact.

Cto5k W4D1

i started week 4 today, ran all of the intervals very, very slowly (hit it like you mean it!), with the exception of the 10-15s when i was crossing a cattleguard and having a drink of water and crossing the road during my last interval. In fact i was running against the wind my entire last interval. i am very down today, even though i woke up in a good mood, because for some reason when i ask for support in the support area i instead get rudeness and a failure to read. Yeah, happens on WoW, too, people insist on being rude when a lot of it could be avoided if they would 1) actually read what i said, 2) check their bad attitude and rude comments at the door, and 3) not apply something that doesn't apply to me to me. Sometimes i wonder why i even try to be nice to people, have a social life, etc., when i only end up getting hurt worse. Of course, none of you want to hear about this here: i only meant to say that my run today went fine.

Cto5k Week 3, Day 3

Well, i was too busy yesterday to post, but i did complete Week 3! On Thursday my calf was still bothering me a lot; taking stairs in between classes was uncomfortable. On Friday it almost felt back to normal, but i didn't have time to run because my grandparents came over. On Saturday i woke up to 25 mph winds. So i packed my bag and headed off to the college gym that my student fees are paying for. i used an elliptical trainer for the first time in a couple of years.

i've heard that some people find running with a treadmill or elliptical trainer to be more difficult than on the road or sidewalk or path. i enjoyed it, i didn't set the resistance too high and had to go a little faster to get my heartrate up, but i kept it in a good range and only got a little out of breath once. i completed the extra three minute interval, too, it felt great! Then i lifted some weights (for my arms only), and was probably having my first runner's high ever, i felt great. After driving home my calf was a little tight getting out of the car, but it is not bothering me nearly as badly as on Wednesday.

i did a little research on cramps, and no one knows for sure why they happen or what the best thing is to do when they happen. i guess i was stupid to even try running while it was happening, but on Monday my workout had been too easy and i really wanted to push myself. Anyway, now i know to apply heat and that some people say to massage the cramp, some people say to stretch it. i can tell you from experience that stretching didn't help! i used to get really, really bad calf cramps at night in high school, it never really helped then either, but every time it happens to me i just instinctively try to flex my foot. My Grandma used to get up and walk around when it happened to her! i read a thing about lifting your legs above your head, some pilates move or something, and wondered how you're supposed to manage that when you're curled up and gasping in pain.

Re: diet, experts say that it may be you don't have enough calcium, magnesuim, potassium, thiamine (B1), pantothenic acid (B5), and pyridoxine (B6) in your diet. i had heard about the potassium one before, and am dubious about it because in high school i used to enhale 2-3 bananas a day and it never seemed to help. i also read that it probably signals dehydration, which is possible. i always run out of water halfway through my run, i need to carry more i guess. i drank a lot more water yesterday, couldn't seem to get enough of it, and i think it helped. Of course i was sweating buckets in the gym while i am usually more comfortable outside in the fall weather. And lastly, i read that one shouldn't wear crew socks because they tend to be too tight on the calf and inhibit blood circulation. i think we have another winner: i guess i need new socks. i am pretty sure that i need new shoes, too, i am currently using an old pair of my Mom's and they are starting to look very sad.

Views on Women & Women's Sexuality (in the Middle Ages). i found this doing a little research for my response on The Wife of Bath.

The Professional Wife and Her Defense (for British Literature)

Alisoun, the Wife of Bath, has a lot of experience being married: her first marriage took place when she was only twelve and she’s been married at church five times (Chaucer “Wife of Bath’s Prologue” 4-6). She may have felt out of place amongst the myriad of clergyman she traveled with, many of whom had taken vows of chastity. There is no indication in the General Prologue that anyone looked down on her for it, but apparently the subject had come up before (perhaps on one of her other pilgrimages). Her marital history was obviously on her mind, and may have been frowned upon by her fellow pilgrims, because in the Wife’s Prologue she defended her choices at length.

In the beginning, Alisoun mentions her vast experience, but turns to Scripture in her defense. This would have been atypical because she was a woman, and she was expected to only speak from her own experience. It was men who spoke with authority from the Bible. However, most of the women on the pilgrimage were from the first estate, so they were probably well-versed in the Scriptures; since she had been on many pilgrimages (“General Prologue” 465-468) she was possibly also religious and has studied the Bible. Lastly, her defense is in response to what a man said to her while citing Scripture:

That sith that Crist ne wente nevere but ones
To wedding in the Cane of Galilee
That by the same ensample taughte he me
That I ne sholde wedded be but ones. (“Wife’s Prologue” 10-13)

From a logical standpoint, this seems ridiculous, because it is only an assumption that Christ only went to one wedding in His lifetime, and He wasn’t even the one getting married. Christ went to the wedding not to say that we should only get married once, but because he wanted to celebrate the marriage of a family friend. The reason it was recorded in the Scriptures is because the reception is where Jesus performed His first miracle.

In defiance, Alisoun claims that she doesn’t understand “why that the fifthe man / Was noon housbonde to the Samaritan?” (21-22); the text repeatedly insinuates that she has lived in a similar way, that not all of her husbands were united to her in a church. This doesn’t seem to be an issue to her as much as the claim that she should only be married once. She is not ashamed of having many husbands at all, in fact she: “Welcome the sixte whan that evere he shal!” (51). She points out that it is a double standard for the wisest man in the world (35-36), Abraham, and Jacob (61-62) to have had many wives.

She is not shy about her reasons for marrying, either. In the “General Prologue” the narrator reports: “She coude muchel of wandring by the waye. / Gat-toothed was she, smoothly for to saye” (469-470). She seems to have acquired a reputation after going on so many pilgrimages. She freely admits what her main reason for marrying is when she quotes the apostle Paul: “Bet is to be wedded than to brinne” (“Wife’s Prologue” 58). In fact, she had her fifth husband picked out before her fourth was even dead because she believes that it is good to be prepared:

For certainly, I say for no bobaunce
Yit was I nevere withouten purveyaunce
Of marriage n’of othere thinges eek:
I holde a mousse herte nought worth a leek
That hath but oon hole for to sterte to,
And if that faile thane is al ydo. (575-580)

She knows that the first directive that God gave was “to wexe and multiplye” (28). There is no indication that Alisoun had any children, however it is probably very likely. But Alison also believes that procreation isn’t the only reason to have sex:

oure bothe thinges smale ...
I saye this, that they maked been for bothe—
That is to sayn, for office and for ese
Of engendrure, ther we nat God displese. (128, 132-134)

She also makes a good point when she reminds her listeners that:

For hadde God commanded maidenhead,
Thanne hadde he dampned wedding with the deede;
And certes, if there wer no seed ysowe,
Virginitee, thane wherof sholde it growe? (75-78)

Not only did Alisoun enjoy sex, but she controlled her husbands, and they enjoyed it (225-226). Her perspective on marriage had changed over time. Her first three husbands were old (203) and “That I ne tolde no dainee of hir love” (214). Later she married a young man for love, and they didn’t exactly get along well at first, but he ultimately allowed her to rule over him as well (819-821). Ironically enough, at the end of her tale the wife becomes submissive when she promises: “For by my trouthe, I wol be to you bothe— / This is to sayn, ye, bothe fair and good” (“The Wife’s Tale” 1246-1249). The reader has no way of knowing if Alisoun ever becomes so submissive herself.

Most of Alisoun’s statements must have seemed distasteful to clergy of the time. Women didn’t openly discuss their sexuality, and certainly not while quoting Scripture. The Wife is very openly rebelling against the teachings of the church and it is interesting that Chaucer chose to make her the mouthpiece for this issue. Reading what he gave her to say makes her seem like a modern woman locked in the past, but maybe women really did think this way back then, they probably just didn’t get to be so vocal about it.

Cto5k W3D2

Well today i had two bad experiences, lol. i swallowed my first bug, and i got another cramp 2/3 of the way through my run. i did finish the run but i wanted to run an extra three minutes and only did about a minute and half: i was just in too much pain. Stupid cramping, i need to figure out what to do about you.

Today was a first for me because my breathing wasn't labored the entire run. i was going really slow today, and the reason i had to slow down was a physical reason (as opposed to a breathing reason, if that makes any sense), even though i'm still full of energy this calf is still tight. When i stretch it feels fine but if i'm just sitting here or walking i can tell that it's uncomfortably tight. Anyways, i am making progress, but it's irritating when my body rebels. i haven't had this many cramps in a long time.

i am starting to wonder if the fact that i am running on some gravel is contributing to this. i could tell the cramp was coming on for about a minute before it did because every time that foot wobbled a bit i could feel a twinge. i tried to get onto a track with less rocks but it was too late. i probably need to start running somewhere besides a dirt road that's just going to be muddy in a couple of weeks. i don't want to stay on the pavement though because i'm afraid it's going to get more hilly and i feel like i have as much incline as i can deal with at the moment. i've been thinking about trying out the elliptical trainers at the gym soon, probably next week when i'm housesitting, but the house i'm staying out will be about a mile from the gym as opposed to the 6-7 miles i normally drive. i don't want to drive into town every day just for the gym if i can help it: maybe if i change to T, Th, Sat (as i already have classes on T and Th) but idk, i'd have to be more organized then and remember to take my workout clothes to school. Of course, i can always rent a locker at school, but it would still require more organization and i have to get up early on T and Th already.

Racial Inequality and Catalyst Weather Patterns (for Children's Lit)

Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry follows Cassie Logan during her fourth grade school year, starting in the fall of 1933. The book is set in a small farming community in Mississippi; one independent family farm and three former plantations turned into sharecropping estates share a tenuous peace during a time of great upheaval. While the story is written about children for children, Cassie and her three siblings have to deal with very adult problems that their family cannot fully protect them from no matter how hard they try.

The event that sets the story in motion happen before the book begins, when night riders pour kerosene on a man and his two nephews, then set them on fire, because one of them reportedly flirted with a white woman. The instigators of the act were the owners of the Wallace store, where young people have started going to dance, drink, and behave inappropriately. Their actions are a source of amusement and derision for the white sharecroppers of the community who are not much better off than they are. The (white) school bus driver frequently tries to run over the Logan children as they are walking to and from school, because he and his passengers find it amusing. The black children’s school cannot afford a bus or new textbooks. There is a strict segregation between white and black here, in the schools and the churches, for who goes over the one lane bridge first, and who gets served first at the store. Blurring the edges by becoming friends with members of the opposing race or expecting equal treatment is not deemed acceptable in this community.

The Logan family has it better than most because they own their farm. The land used to belong to a family named Granger, and they want it back, but the land is part of the Logans and they will not give it up for anything. The mother teaches at the school and the father works for the railroad to help pay the mortgage and make ends meet. Most families aren’t so lucky no matter what their race is. Cotton doesn’t sell for as much anymore, and the sharecroppers are constantly in debt because the landlords keep their tenants that way. The sharecroppers have to borrow money for seed, for tools, for rent, and when the crop comes in hope that it is enough to pay off the debts that they incurred that year. But of course the landlord doesn’t want the people to thrive, he wants them to continue to languish and be under his control.

This is how things were in the South, with the landlords trying to cling to their glory days, before the Civil War was lost and their former livelihood with it. The Logans try to convince their neighbors to not shop at the Wallace store anymore, but the Wallaces pay one of the landlords—the Grangers again—rent (because the store is on Granger land), and each of the landlords is the one guaranteeing the farmers’ credit; everyone involved has a reciprocal interest. If someone tries to rock the boat, the landowners take it as a personal offense. When the Logans find another financial backer for the farmers and start delivering supplies to them from a nearby town, the landlords apply pressure wherever they can, and they have their fingers in a lot of places. The Grangers convince the bank to call the Logan’s mortgage due, two of the landowners tell the sharecroppers that the percentage they are going to withhold has gone up, the Wallaces attack the supply wagon, all of these action are immoral, if not illegal.

This is the main storyline, the underlying one from start to finish, which takes a rather unexpected direction with T.J. Avery. He gets Mrs. Logan fired because she has failed him for cheating on a test. He starts hanging out with two white young adults who use him as the fall guy when they rob a store in Strawberry. Lastly, Mr. Logan chooses to save T.J.’s life by setting a fourth of his crops on fire so the community will pull back together when they have to put it out or risk the destruction of their entire community.

I have to wonder what this book is supposed to be teaching children. First the children sabotage the school bus by digging a trench in the middle of the road during a rain storm, but this action is echoed in the pyromania that their father displays during the thunderstorm. While shopping in Strawberry, Cassie is understandably upset when the storekeeper does not serve T.J. after an hour because he keeps helping the white customers instead, but then she throws a fit and causes even more trouble when she runs into Lillian Jean. I’m not saying that Lillian’s father had any right to throw Cassie in the street, but she equally does not have the right to take revenge on the daughter by damaging her books or blackmailing her.

Everyone, on both sides of the issue, is behaving badly. Even the schoolteachers and parents treat their children with disrespect and complete unfairness, punishing them when they actually try to do the right thing, and never aware or capable of taking action when their children are doing the wrong ones. The pouring rain cannot wash their sins away, and I somehow doubt that the fire has left them any more chance of new growth in the future. This story is incomplete, it starts in the middle and ends in the middle, and though we are given the necessary background to understand, we have no idea what will happen in their future, in their ultimate ends. I am still left wondering: is this story meant to show us to not behave badly? I rather think that it is unapologeticly saying that this is how things were, and there is blood on everyone’s hands.

Cto5k Week 3, Day 1!

Woohoo!!!
60 F
Mostly Sunny
Wind from W at 7 mph

When i first came outside to stretch in just a tee (that's made of a thick mesh) and knit capris i was a bit chilly (of course, i was mostly in the shade and the breeze was coming straight at me). Once i got started the weather was lovely. i finished my first interval without any problem, but i wondered how i was ever going to run 3 minutes straight because i felt like i had barely made it. My next interval i just started slower, pushed through it, and for the last minute changed it up to 1:1 breathing. And i made it! By the time i had walked 3 minutes i was definitely ready to go again. The next interval was easy, i wasn't even tired. For my last interval i really had to push, but i could tell it was because of my still diminished lung capacity (curse you, thin mountain air!). About halfway through my last cd i felt like running again and broke into a comfortable speed for about a minute. i didn't get out of breath or tired, i just felt like i had some extra energy to burn. i'm so excited that i actually ran 3 minutes straight! And i had no cramping or stitches or anything! It's so beautiful outside, too.

Cto5k Week 2, Day 3!

70F
wind from SE at 14 mph
light showers

Whew. Well once again my Thursday stunk. i ran Wednesday night, which with most exercise is usually no problem because it wears me out and makes it easier to fall asleep. Not so with running apparently! i was WIDE AWAKE and got about 1 to 1 1/2 hours sleep. i had trouble trying to stay awake in two of my classes, and then in my last class of the day inexplicably got a cramp in my diaphragm for no discernible reason that hurt so bad and fortunately only lasted a minute or two and then stopped as suddenly as it had started.

Today it was sprinkling when i came outside and a breeze was gently blowing from the N. As soon as i start my warm up walk the wind changes directions, picks up, and it starts to rain lightly. Once again, i am running straight into the wind, but thankfully it was easier than last time. i finished every interval, except my third i stopped just short because i got a stitch. i am so glad that my calf didn't cramp like in my last two runs! At the beginning of my last interval i wasn't sure how i was going to make it, but i stepped my breathing up to a 1:1 and made it! i'm looking forward to next week's run already. Incidentally, i ran farther than ever today, even though i ran slower in order to combat the wind. i think that i'm walking faster in between intervals now.

Re: MapMyRun.com

i've mapped out my running route, but i start at my house, so i'm hesitant to share it publicly. If i know you and you're curious i can send you a link to it. The current map is actually a little farther than i run, it's hard to judge though because i can't zoom in far enough to judge terrain details on the hybrid or satellite map. My current estimate is that i'm running/walking 1.4-1.5 miles, and my distance is gradually getting farther every other run or so. Pretty amazing, isn't it?

Cto5k W2, D2

i ran in the evening today, which was really weird. i almost didn't go at all, but then i realized that if i didn't i would be really mad at myself and it would probably start an unending cycle of quitting that i have no wish to partake in. i didn't have as much energy as usual, but i still had enough until the end when my calf started acting up just like last run. i had to quit about halfway through that interval, i just couldn't push through it, it was distracting my focus from my breathing and i just couldn't think. i don't know, it's been a weird day. i feel like i've come so far and yet have so far to go.

my new LiveJournal: Tracing the Paths of my Life

Not that i expect everyone to care or understand, but i am going to start archiving my journals at my new LiveJournal. Some entries will only be for subscribers, and some will only be for me to read. i have a box full of notebooks that i don't want to lose forever due to water damage or fire, etc. And who knows, maybe one day i will be a famous writer and college students will be reading my journals just like i am reading other authors' in my literature classes....

Lol, yeah, i won't be holding my breath on that.