owie

i'm more sore than i realized. As soon as i carted my messenger bag up some stairs my upper back and thighs started complaining. Now every time i'm slouching and try to sit up straighter my thighs scream at me. i'm still trying to figure out how i'm supposed to stretch my upper back in between and a little below my shoulder blades when it seizes up.

Cto5k W5D3 complete again

So... meant to post last night but was just too busy. Yesterday the sun was shining and the weather was a bit warmer (Weather.com says 39 was the high), so i decided to run on the track at Stocker Stadium. Day 3's run was 20 minutes solid, which i completed except pausing for water on 3 out of 7 laps. About halfway through i got hot enough to take off my sweatshirt. i really need to put a hat and sunglasses in the car, because the sun in my face was hot and annoying. At the beginning of my run it was hard not to take off sprinting, midway through i was thirsty and had to push myself, but at the end i felt like i could have kept going. i'm sore worse than i have been in a long time, though... not that it's horribly unbearable, it's just annoying. My calves and hips are tight, i can feel my abs, my back is still a bit sensitive from Saturday (but better overall), and my wrists and left pinky are sore from knitting so much. lol

feeling out of place

It was like an Obama fan club meeting in U.S. Lit today. i felt incredibly out of place as they discussed Elizabeth Alexander's inaugural poem (Praise Song for the Day), Lincoln's Gettysburg Address, Second Inaugural Address, and Obama's inaugural address, and held my tongue. i had hoped that we might actually discuss the content of the speech, particularly in light of the events that have happened since the inauguration took place, but could see that it wasn't the teacher's intent. i guess that it isn't a government class after all.

i feel like i have been hiding my head in the sand lately. i haven't been listening to the radio as much since school started up again, but what i have heard doesn't bode well. The other night i did a Google search for a web site that is watching Obama, an aggregate of news and speeches and the changes that are happening under his administration, but didn't find anything. The one Obama Watch blog i found gave up after the inauguration: they only felt the need to follow the election coverage apparently. i think it's important to be paying attention and speaking the truth now more than ever, but i also feel tired and ill equipped to do it myself.

Lately my mind has been coming back to one very impassioned statement: "Give me liberty or give me death." i feel like school and work are in the way of what i need to be doing, as if we're running out of time. But i can't quit school because i can't afford to pay back my student loans without a better job. So i keep on getting up every day, going to class, doing my homework, and feeling caged. Every time i try to do something my head hits the ceiling, i walk straight into a locked door, i'm am futilely shaking the bars. Every time i try to improve myself, write something meaningful, lasting, and worthwhile, the way is shut.

The only solution i can think of from a spiritual perspective is prayer and fasting. i honestly do not know how to reach God at this point, and as odd as it may seem, fasting is just about the only thin that i haven't tried.

Physically i need to find peers who believe the same way that i do, whether it be in RL or online (hopefully both). We need to get organized sooner rather than later. The stimulus package is already halfway home, our defenses our already being weakened, there is already the threat of freedoms being taken away. i'm not ready to give or up become an anarchist, and i really don't want the fairness doctrine to go through and not be able to listen to Limbaugh or Beck anymore.

Ugh, i've been pondering this for over two hours now, i mean to go run an hour ago, and i haven't gotten any farther than i already was really. i found a couple of blogs, remembered things i wanted to blog about weeks ago, and am overwhelmingly exhausted. i need a nap.

running realization

i have been a bad girl, i haven't run since last Thursday. Standing on my feet for nine hours straight on Saturday really took it out of me... my lower back and hips have been bothering me for the first time in months.

On a similar but related note, i just figured out for the first time why it is that i enjoy running to techno / electronica / house / trance so much, why it gets my heart pumping and makes me feel like kickboxing: because that's the kind of music they had on Alias.

read in my book for Creative Writing... and responded to

i just read Why I Write. In a way, i identify with her (the author, Joan Didion). i'm not an intellectual. i would say that i'm not a mundane, but i'm not an intellectual. i'm very aware of the "periphery," in fact the periphery is often what enables me to get up in the morning, or in better times, completes my life with moments of pure joy.

It may be hard for anyone to understand how someone can be happy and depressed at the same time, but there are always times in my life where i have managed it. i can be depressed about where i am in life but overjoyed to be walking through a park with the sun on my face. i can hate my job and adore the book i'm reading or the music i'm listening to. It all depends on one's focus: should i focus on the dark or the light?

i am still in the dark but i am ignoring it. There was a period of time where i felt as if i generated my own light, as if my eyes reflected my passion, as if my shoulderblades where constantly on the cusp of being ready to burst into flamed wings, as if i am marked by God with stars and circles and crosses and that these markings glow forth with His light, sealing me as His.

i don't feel those things so much anymore. The dark seemed to tame me for a while, seemed to dominate everything in my life. For a while i was happy with my ex, and being with him gave me a hope unlike anything i had every experienced, but even that came to an end. My wings were clipped and i crashed through the abyss once more.

i have finally come to a point where i am not exactly happy, but i am not letting the dark pull on me. i'm not overwhelmed anymore, despite the fact that one bad thing happens after another, somehow i am holding it somewhat together for a change. In some moments i despair at my loneliness, wonder if my life will always be like this, but i am starting to dream again, to prepare to build something better. Who knows if any of it will work out, but it's enough for now.

It's funny, i've been thinking about my ex, and no longer want him back, but a small part of me keeps thinking that one day he's going to beg to have me back. Maybe that's just conceited of me. i know that some people hate me because of the state i was in after it happened, i know that all i did was talk about him, well now i feel ready to move on, and i feel as i have come out in better shape of the two of us, even if he does have a job that pays well now, he's reportedly still miserable.

i had a dream a couple of nights ago that i had a baby boy. It was a weird dream, there was no father, no name, I didn't feel as if the baby was a part of me, I felt out of place. Sometimes I wonder if i'll always be alone or if someday i'll meet the right person. i feel bad about the way i ignored Wade, but i didn't ask for his advances and had too much baggage at the time. Maybe now i would be ready for a relationship, but i still think that i have yet to meet the right guy.

And of course there's the greater question: will i ever feel / hear the Holy Spirit ever again (on this side of death)? From what my Sunday school teacher said yesterday, one might lead me to believe that all of this is my fault, that i'm not doing the right things. James 4:7-10 says:

So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.

What am i supposed to believe about this passage? How can i come close to God when i can't find Him in the Bible, in prayer, in worship? i don't know of any great or minor sin that is dividing us, and had i known of such i would have long ago repented of it. i have shed so many tears, have begged God to tell me what i have done wrong, and still there has been no response. i have been forced to conclude that the problem doesn't lie with me, that God is doing this on purpose, and i must admit that at times i wonder if His motives are entirely noble. See, i have done everything the "right" way, or tried desperately hard to do so. i know that i'm not perfect, i make mistakes, and right now i kind of had a bad attitude as a result to following the rules and getting the opposite results of what was promised, but i'm still trying. i'm utterly humbled, it's taken me so long just to get to a place where i can even think of trying to stand up again, and still i have received no honor. i don't see how my loyalty is divided by God and the world when i look for God everywhere and He made everything.

i keep thinking, i've wasted so much time trying to find God, trying to figure out what He wants, was there something that i was supposed to be doing that i wasn't? If so, i must not have gotten the memo. Megan and an online friend and i were talking about the end times the other day, and i'm not ready for it to happen. i used to wait for it with bated breath, constantly wonder if "today is the day", but now... please no. If so, what was my life for? What have i accomplished? i have written no books, i have found no answers, i have not changed anything. Had i lived in Biblical times, or even a couple hundred years ago, i'm sure that i would have been stoned or hanged or burned at the stake. i refuse to be silent, to be fettered. Still, as crazy as i know it sounds, i feel as if i have let God down, all the while feeling as if He has let me down. i'm not strong enough, He should know that, while the Bible would lead me to believe that i am strong enough. But Satan isn't fleeing me, God isn't making a way, i am still just stuck here wondering what on earth i'm supposed to be doing. Maybe i'm still not humble enough, or patient enough, but i still don't know how to take being more humbled, and i'm still sick of waiting.

Of course, maybe that's why i'm still single and not a mother, i'm not patient enough to have kids, lol. It's crazy where my mind goes. And now it's time to go to class, even though i just figured out a few minutes ago that i read the wrong pages. Oh well, this class is easy mode anyway, i'm sure i'll be fine.

random Obama bloginess

As heard about on Neal Boortz, found on HotAir.com: what i love is how they think that the Republicans are in power in Congress.



While reading this post Uninformed (which rates that vid statistically on how many answers were right or wrong), i noticed that Mary said:

"But didn't all the most educated people vote Democratic?

That's not to say you can't be both educated and ignorant of certain things, but it's a fact that only the least educated people voted Republican this year."

Which is not what Neal Boortz reported, and i don't know how that is a "fact" or where she gets her info because i can't find a study online that confirms this either way. The sad truth is that the people in that video very obviously didn't educate themselves.

And of course it's already started:
Obama supports Abortion as promised.
School teachers lead pledge to Obama instead of the flag

wow, that's ironic

There's a pro-Obama site called Velvet Revolution. So... they borrowed the name from people who were protesting communism, and are doing so in support of someone who is openly a socialist. What in the world are they thinking?

searching out of curiosity

Last semester i did a report in Children's Lit about the book The Wall. Last night on my way home from work Rusty Humphries mentioned the Velvet Revolution in Czechoslovakia (which is something i would like to research). It got me thinking... as i recall, my last name is probably Polish or Slavic. Where did the name come from, what was it originally? So i Googled "origin of senko".

Senko means / is...
"Slovak: occupational name for a seller of hay, from seno, ‘hay’."
the name of an exhibit in Copenhagen, Denmark, that features videos in frames
the standard "solid spaghetti stick incense"

Huh, so my ancestors probably smoked hay, used incense to cover up the smell, and then painted psychodelic art. Lovely. (;

Cto5k W5D2 redux

i used an older elliptical trainer today, one with the moving arms and the heartrate monitor in the center. i didn't like it as well (the monitor was unrealiable for one thing). i'll use my old machine next time, even if it does require me staring at the magazine rack, i like its settings better and the resistance isn't all wonky. i had to keep turning the resistance up during the easier stretches and then back down during the hard ones. i didn't mind how the intervals changed (in fact i like the concept), it's just that the variance between them is too wide. i don't ever need the resistance below 2 or above 11 (even 11 is pushing it for me). My heartrate wasn't as controlled today, i had to be careful not to push myself too hard. It was a good workout i guess, i don't know if i'm ready to hit the track again, though my shoes are gradually breaking in.

Afterwards i stopped by REI to return the TapGuard and buy a SplashGuard. i got one half off, in a yellow orange color with a black jack o'lantern face on it (it's their Halloween equivalent to the Smiley). i would have preferred Alien Gray, Clean Air, Snowflake, or Aqua Camo, but they didn't have those color choices available, only Tahoe Blue, Smiley Face, and a red yellow and green one that is similar to the camo ones. Hey, it was half price, no one is going to see that wicked smile but me. (:

Now that i know that the filter idea was a bust, i need to turn my thoughts back to my original idea. i want to buy a glass water cooler jug (probably 3 gallons because i cannot imagine carrying a 5 gallon jug when it's full) and fill my water bottle from it as needed. i'm not going to be saving $500 apparently, but at least i'll be able to stand the taste of the water and be creating less waste.

why to not use Chase credit cards

So, it's my own stupid fault, but i do not recommend that anyone get a Circuit City card or Chase credit card. Last June or July they started calling me because i had over $100 in overdue fines building up even though i thought i had paid the card off in January and hadn't gotten a single statement even though i had done an address change with them and statements should have been going to my parents' house barring that. i complained, got some of the fines taken off, and told them i wanted to pay the balance on my account. The trouble is, they don't call you until you're late on your payment, and by then you're going to have to pay a fine for the "next" month (which is really this month), only it doesn't show up on your statement yet. So in July i get my "August" statement which didn't show that i had paid anything, so i figured in August i would get a "September" statement that showed my balance was zero. But i moved, and forgot about it, didn't have a worry in the world, because remember i paid the entire balance on that statement.

Come January and they start calling me multiple times a day because i have $117 worth of fines due on the card... even though i haven't gotten a single statement since July. So i signed up online, put my phone on mute for a couple of days and waited for the 18th to come around so i could access my February statement online. i have now paid my February bill in full, assuming that the transaction clears. i don't know if i should complain about the fines or just take it because i should never have assumed that the thing was done with. Today while i was in my 9 o'clock class i got a call from an 888 number and no one left a message; it's not the same as the number they called from, but it still makes me uneasy. If they start calling me repeatedly again i am going to blow a fuse.

The moral of the story is... Chase is purposefully trying to milk you for your money. They use confusing language and harass you after it's too late to avoid a fine but before the fine is posted to your account. Before last January i made all my payments on time for the most part (i may have missed or been late on one or two), but now i'm $200 in the hole because of their questionable business practices. You know what i found out online? When you look at your old statements it tells you that they don't send you a statement in the mail unless you've purchased something with your card that month. Yep, it doesn't matter that you're being fined and accumulating interest, if you didn't buy something with the card they won't send you a statement.

So learn something from stupid me, don't get a credit card you don't need, save money for a few months and pay cash. Oh, and outsmart the credit card company whenever you can.

H2O

i don't think i like this filter thing. When the water bottle is full i still spill water on myself. When it's emptier, it's really hard to suck the water through. i can't chug my water. And the water still doesn't taste good. They said i could bring it back, i'll probably return it.

weight loss 2008

i lost the password for my old tickers... so i'm making new ones for the new year. Here's last year's, if you click on it you can see the chart of my progress, which also includes info from 2007 as i recall.

Cto5k W5D1 redux

So today was my first class of the semester, in which after going over the syllabus the teacher attempted to show the Obama inauguration speech via streaming video. None of the websites would load it fast enough for us to hear or see anything really, so she eventually gave up, then i went to the gym.

i used the elliptical trainer for about 35 mins. It was a good work out, i was never out of breath, but was at my target heartrate most of the time, only feeling it was a bit too much near the end of the second and third interval when it topped out at about 161. That's a bit too high. i'm a bit hesitant to try the indoor track, but i think on Thursday i'll try part of the workout on the track and part on the elliptical and see how it goes. i'm trying to ease back into this, i think my cardio can handle it, it's my legs i'm worried about (i don't want to go through the leg cramps again!). My shoes still need a bit more breaking in but don't really bother me as long as my socks stay put and cover the spot where the shoe wants to rub the top back of my heel. xD

So overall a good workout, i walked pretty far too, to class upstairs, across campus, then back to my car: it works out to be about 1.75 miles in all. On the way home i stopped at REI because i wanted one of those splashguard thingees (i'm tired of getting water all over myself cuz i'm trying to drink while running/walking). Well i decided to try a TapGuard instead. If it doesn't work i'll return it. Each filter is supposed to work for 100 liters of water. It looks like it filters the water as you're drinking: i might try running it through the filter as i fill the bottle, too. The trouble is there aren't really any instructions with it, other than to rinse the filter for a minute under running water before you put it in. Anyways, if it does work, it will certainly reduce the number of bottles i'm throwing away/recycling. The label claims that using the TapGuard saves 400 plastic bottles, 65 lbs. of CO2, two gallons of oil, and $500.

wha???

Rice Crispies and Special K have High Fructose Corn Syrup in them. /confused

i dyed my hair last night, trying to go back to my natural color as close as possible. i'm going to try not dying it any more (i don't even want to know how many toxic chemicals are in those dyes); let's see how long that lasts. lol

i'm also thinking about cutting my hair again... idk if i'm going to bob it or try to keep the length.

School tomorrow (along with the inauguration ): ), LOST WEDNESDAY!

more Lean Cuisine... and time to hit the books again

i don't know how a part time job can keep a person so busy, but it does. All my free time has been filled with trying to get my room cleaned up, lvling skinning and mining on my DK Blanche, and trying to get Lui geared in heroics (those last two completely involve playing World of Warcraft: i haven't been so immersed in the game since i first hit 70, but we're making a mad push to start raiding again, and it has been anything but easy going).

On the Lean Cuisine front i have now sampled Chicken Enchilada Suiza with Mexican-Style Rice (i actually had this one at home, and had to add salsa to the rice, but it was probably the best of the bunch, probably cuz i cooked it in the oven), Cheddar Potatoes with Broccoli (the potatoes started to burn at the end, but tasted fine, though there was too much chesse... it was kind of like having nacho cheese all over my steamed broccoli and fries, and that's not really my thing), and Three Cheese Stuffed Rigatoni (which was okay, but just tasted a bit off somehow. i cooked it a little extra and the squash and zucchini were a bit rubbery, not quite hot enough, and i don't think i like them with the marinara, though the rigatoni was excellent). Overall, these meals seem to be light, yet filling enough to satisfy most days. One day i ate it when i didn't feel really hungry yet, and an hour later i was starving, which really stunk. But usually it's enough.

There was one day where i forgot to grab the meal, so i headed across the parking lot to Good Times and bought a Guacamole Bacon Burger (you gotta remember that guacamole is high in good fats, btw) and was "good" and got a Strawberry Lemonade to drink (which seemed less healthy than Sonic's Strawberry Fruit Slush to me, less fresh strawberries and more syrup that probably contains that nasty HFCS). i definitely prefer my homemade guac though. i did have one day where i was feeling down so i went to BigLots and bought a 20oz Coke: other than that i haven't been having any. On Saturday i will be trying Chicken Mediterranean.

Today i need to go to town and buy my schoolbooks before work. Class starts on Tuesday (we have Martin Luther King Jr. Day off for a change), and i have Intro to Creative Writing, US Lit 2, Brit Lit 2, and British Romanticism (which i really hope i don't regret, but i know that i like the professor). i'm looking forward to running again, which i plan to do at the gym for now, perhaps starting out on the elliptical trainers as i build my endurance back up (i've been sick twice since i was running three times a week). i'm not sure what i'm going to do for easy meals at college, but i need to do something. Oh, and i'm also going to try continuing to work at Hobby Lobby.

i guess that's about it. i should be blogging more again as of next week.

Trying to Avoid HFCS and MSG

i admit it, i have had about six cans of Coca-Cola and one 20oz bottle of Dr. Pepper since the New Year. Mom bought more, i had some, and yesterday i had a huge headache and really wanted caffeine, let's just leave it at that. i've been wondering where else i could get caffeine, cuz sometimes it helps my headaches... do i even want to look up the ingredients that are in a Starbucks Java Chip Frapp?

So last week i went out and bought some Lean Cuisine frozen meals to zap in the microwave at work (instead of eating junk / fast food during my lunch). i'm not a fan of frozen dinners, let alone "diet" ones, but i like Stouffers so i thought i'd give them a try. So on Monday i ate Lean Cuisine BBQ Chicken Pizza for the first time... and i wasn't impressed. The crust and chicken were overdone and tough while the onion were still cold even though they were cut uber small. The sauce tasted completely wrong, too, it was way too sweet. i had better luck Tuesday with the Teriyaki Steak bowl. The sauce was a bit off, but not as disturbing as the bbq: other than that it was pretty good. The pro to these meals is they're super easy (grab a box out of the freezer and head out), have healthier ingredients as far as i can tell, and fill me up while coming it at fewer than 400 calories.

This morning i enjoyed eating the cereal that my mom had bought (i didn't even have to look at the label to know it fulfilled my NYR requirements!). i mixed an organic off-brand cheerio with Peanut Butter Bumpers (something which i usually don't eat, i'm not really into peanut butter that much and it's too strong of a taste alone, but it goes well with the cheerios as it turns out). Their primary sweeteners? "Evaporated Cane Sugar" and "Desulphurated Molasses" respectively (whatever that means!). Anyways, it sounds healthier than High Fructose Mutated Corn (and let's be honest, who really wants sulfur in their cereal to begin with?)!

After work, i had some books to drop off at the library, and got a hankering for Chinese food (the dollar scoop place is on the way). Three scoops for $4.05, always a deal. i've been sooo hungry lately, it must be in reaction to the few days that i was sick in which i didn't feel like eating most of the time. i feel like a Coke, but i didn't give in! i can't remember if the dollar scoop place is MSG free or not, i know the one at the mall is (but they cost a lot more than a buck twenty-five!). idk, too tired to think any more about a post that it took me several days to compile. i meant to write more, take photos in a very Jorge Garcia fashion, but what can i say??? Opening a box of Lean Cuisine while surrounded by three other employees who are also eating their lunches doesn't make me feel like whipping out my cell phone and taking a shot. Really, it doesn't.