seriously?

Sometimes i feel as if people are trying too hard to sell me on something i want to believe in and as a result they end up turning me off rather than convincing me.  This was definitely the case while browsing the MadeToRun website/blog.

 On the other hand, i'm not sure humor is the way to go.  There were two videos that i saw today that amused me very much but didn't help answer questions, either.  For instance this Anti-Shoe Infomercial:

which makes fun of itself so much that it compromises the point that it's trying to make (if they are pro-barefoot) and The Barefoot Runner (warning: NSFW from :25-:30):

 in which very little running actually occurs.

I don't want to hear/read studies or common sense be referenced.  I want people to relate their personal experiences.  I want to know what others feel and have felt so i can guess what i would feel if i were in their shoes.  That is why Leah's KomodoSport review and Justin's ...Power of Bare Feet have sold me more than anything else i've read in the past few hours.  They are real, they ring true, they give voice to things i've known and felt (if only in my gut) but couldn't manage to put into words myself.


The rest...well i'm still hating the fact that i'm working somewhere that mostly carries merchandise made in China and remembering what someone said today in Sunday school.  Americans today feel entitled to things that they shouldn't, that have no worth when we don't have to struggle to obtain them.  I know that fits into my life somehow.

43 things and 100-up

I've been working as a cashier again as seasonal help.  When i did this before i was in better shape and am pretty sure that i had shorter shifts.  I know i did after it became part-time and no longer seasonal because i was still in school.  This is even how i funded the training for my first triathlon.  But now...i have gained weight and am working nine hour shifts.  It was brutal for the first 4-6 weeks i'd say.  I think that i have lost a little bit of weight and now i usually only get really sore on Saturdays...after working 2-3 of these shifts in a row.

I really want to start training again.  I have been wearing my latest pair of running shoes while at work and have been considering alternative methods of shodding my feet once i start working out again.  In fact, i started thinking about it just as soon as i had bought these shoes.  Oh the irony,  but now these shoes do have a use and i have a little cash influx i'm wondering if i should splurge on some Vibrams or just wait a while and see what the new year brings to the shoe market.  I tried some on at REI and did like them a lot, but of course i haven't run in them and they only had black in my sizes.  I don't want black shoes because that would be horrible in the summer.  I do live in the desert after all.  Now i'm being crazy and even wondering if i should be wearing shoes like Vibrams 24/7...at work and casually, if not at church.  I am so over high heels and quickly discovered that taking my shoes off for a while does help when your feet are screaming at you.

So my resolution for the new year...is to start training again and to actually write about it.  I am also seriously considering making a transition into barefoot running.  To that end i think i'll probably at least try the 100-Up challenge (for some reason, 43 Things won't let me add this as a goal, but it's still one that i'm making) as detailed in an article written by Christopher McDougall (author of Born to Run).  I think that the biggest challenge to my training right now is simply finding time to do it.  Forget money, or even a place to swim (which i figure i can largely ignore for the time being as it is my strongest event), i am working five days a week and have no source of independent transportation.  I feel like i have even less free time now than i did when i was still in school.  Besides my cashiering 30-35 hours a week i am teaching knitting classes one day a week.  I hardly have time to game, and usually only make it to the grocery store to buy lunches about once every two weeks.  Most of all, i don't know if i should hope to be unemployed (save the teaching position) come January or try to keep this job.  I don't know what i should be doing.  Hopefully i have it figured out soon.

not as limited (or dirty) as we thought

Did anyone else know that oil is not technically a finite resource? It's composed of algae and formed underground after "millions" of years. This is something i've been wondering about for a while, since discovering that coal has been forming in the area of Spirit Lake since the Mount St. Helens eruption (upon some further digging, this seems to be controversial and perhaps not as certain).



So apparently Solazyme has been testing this fuel for a couple of years now, on its own and with the US Navy, and now Japanese companies are starting to pursue the same technologies. But interestingly, oil in nature is fossilized algae, but this oil seems to be made by the algae...they feed the algae and it converts plant matter into oil that has less contaminants than what is pumped out of the ground. That's pretty amazing.

Athena

As readers may have noticed, i changed my blog's title for the first time in a year and a half.  I used to change the title of this blog more often.  As i recall, it started out as Dark Fire...which was quite a while ago.

The purpose of this blog changed quite a bit the last time i changed the title.  I had been blogging about personal things mostly, and sometimes political, but after the change it mostly became an exercise log with personal stuff thrown in.  These days i keep a lot of my personal rants under lockdown at my LiveJournal and only allow friends to read about them.  My super personal messages i am gradually posting over there and deleting over here in an attempt to recover privacy.  Not that any of you probably read any of those posts anyway!  I was really openly depressed most often when i first started this blog.

I am actually surprised how measured the posts of the past year and a half have been.  So yesterday and today i have been wading through the triathlon and running posts. I'm not going to be using MapMyTri anymore (you basically have to use an app now) but i do hope to continue logging workouts here.  I really need to start writing more for EH4R again.  And because i'm teaching two knitting classes this fall, i'll most likely be blogging at BTL more in the near future, as well.  Now if i could only find a "real" job.  I applied at Michaels to teach knitting classes, but they apparently can't be bothered to get in touch with me.  So who knows what i'll be doing in the months to come.

ETA:  "Why Athena?" you may be asking. This is to focus on the fact that i am an obese triathlete.  Even if i were to lose all the weight (which i hope i am capable of achieving, but at the same time doubt) i would still be considered an Athena (when i was lifeguarding in high school and in great shape i weighed 160).  So i will always be an Athena even if i never compete under that category and/or choose to compete against my AG (age group).  In addition, Athena was considered to be the goddess of wisdom, weaving (which i suppose would make her the patron of knitting, as well), and she's meant to be an unwearying warrior virgin.  Yeah, i could do with being more like that.

to tri or not to tri?

So i've been out of school for about two months and have yet to find a job. I feel like i'm still recovering from school, actually. Anyway, prospective employers thus far have been very rude and not even done so much as let me know that they've received my application or the position has been filled, etc. I really don't understand unprofessional behavior like refusing to provide information about a position. If you advertise that you have an opening then you should be prepared to inform applicants about requirements, benefits, etc. So basically i keep applying for jobs that i don't really have much information about and never hear anything back.

I have mixed feelings about trying to train for triathlons again. I really don't see how i could afford to do so while unemployed. I can't pay for a gym membership. I suppose i could focus only on cycling and running (which isn't too bad, seeing how swimming is my strongest event, and if i improve on the other two then my swimming will probably automatically improve as well). But no more can i afford to enter any triathlons. That, with the heat and my allergies being terrible this year, has really been a deterrent to throwing myself back into training.

On the 4th i rode my bike almost 10 miles. We had been camping, and were coming home the "back" way, which is to say taking the dirt rode that zigzags down the mountain rather than taking the highway the long way around. After a point, three of my siblings and i started to coast down the mountain, and three of us kept going the entire way home. This may sound like it isn't a very exhausting prospect...well, things couldn't be further from the truth. There were several factors at work here.

• I haven't been riding much lately and didn't have my padded shorts on.
• My siblings are all younger than me and I felt it was important to stay behind the youngest and make sure she was safe...so i used the breaks more than i would have had i been alone.
• There was some uphill pedaling...  There wasn't a lot, but at least one stretch was a steep incline.
• High altitude + bad allergies = hard to breathe (this improved the lower in elevation we got).
• It was hot!  In the mid-70s (F) at the top and low 90s at the bottom.
• We didn't have enough water on the bikes (though we did periodically stop to get a drink out of the van, which was following us)
• Though coasting, i discovered that i was diverting my weight to the pedals more than i would have expected.  Rather than keeping them at equal heights to the ground (as one does when mountain biking), i kept alternating which pedal was lower and shifting in the seat so my weight was over the pedal.

 To sum up, my hands and butt and legs all got tired.  My arms far more tired than i was anticipating.  I couldn't adjust my grip a lot because i was braking so much.  The next day i had no energy.  I wasn't sore so much as achy, and mostly in my arms.  Taking the stairs in our house a few times just about wiped me out.  But then i had insomnia, got absolutely no sleep, and the day after that i felt like crap.  I had even less energy.  See, if i'm going to be training, i need to eat more and sleep more, and right now both of those things are elusive.  So i'm not sure what to do.

I keep telling myself that i need a goal.  I have no idea what to aim for.  I thought about Escape from Alcatraz.  For some reason, ever since i heard of that race, i've thought it was the ultimate goal race for me.  Challenging swim and shorter bike leg (though considering the fact that it's in San Fran...is probably brutal).  So i thought, hey, maybe if i start training now i can do a bunch of sprints in 2012 and break into olympics in 2013.  One of them ideally being Alcatraz.  And then i looked up the requirements at the website.  You have to compete in another race first.  Not only that, but you have to come in first or second for your age group.  So i guess that's entirely out of the question.

Even if i did nothing but train, i don't see that i could be winning triathlons within a year.  I'm an athena.  I will probably always be an athena.  There are ten "Director's Choice" slots, but making it to Alcatraz seems like a complete impossibility.

I keep thinking about a video that i watched back in May about a young man who was obese and depressed and ran his weight off and got his life back on track.  It's very frustrating to me that my results were nowhere near the same.  I had a string of injuries, never lost weight, then gained more weight.  I know that it could have been worse, but i feel cheated.  Why can't i run faster? Longer?  Same question about my bike.  I don't care as much about my swim.  I'm swimming faster than ever, probably because my body is more buoyant than ever.  I don't want to win triathlons, i just want to be able to finish them.  I want to get my body back.  I'm scared to even try again.  I weigh even more now than last time around and have less money.  No one will train with me.  I'm hot just sitting here, let alone trying to go outside when the sun is up.

But i keep wondering.  Of course i can't succeed if i keep telling myself that i can't.  I read about people who thought they would never be able to finish a marathon or an ironman, about them realizing that they could do it.  They say that the reason people can't achieve things is because they tell themselves that they can't.  Tell that to my high school self, who worked her ass off but had coaches and teammates intent on tearing her down every day.  No one is ever going to tell me that i can do this, and even if they did, i wouldn't believe them.  I have to tell myself.  I just don't know how to get from here to there.

musings on Triathlete

First off, i am now a college graduate (well, as of tomorrow), and hope to have more time to actually write...seeing how that is what i went to school for.

Secondly, i am so ready to resume training. I have been/felt far too busy this semester to do much of anything. I think i got two runs in. My father was too busy to put the bike rack on my car (and i still have no idea where he's hid it) so i didn't get to ride on campus once, which is a real shame as Monday, Wednesday, Friday i had to speedwalk across campus and would have much more preferred cycling.

Thirdly, i listened to the audio book version of Born to Run and have been contemplating modifying my footfall/gait/etc. I grew up running around barefoot and long to be able to love running again.

So...about Triathlete. The local library gets it, and i have picked up somewhere between 5-10 issues and at least scanned it cover to cover. A couple of letters to the editor caught my attention in the April 2011 issue. First off, is WD-40 a lubricant or not? Two readers point out that it's not, and then a senior editor chimes in by quoting the article and denying that it's called a lubricant. I'm not sure if we're meant to trust him, admire his audacity, or laugh, because he quoted the part of the article that calls it a lubricant. In a section praising the benefits of using WD-40 the author calls it "that trusty blue can of lubricant." Guess what, WD-40 comes in a blue can and was the topic of the paragraph, so it stands to reason that it's the topic of a sentence in the middle of the paragraph, too. It's bad writing and editing all around.

But my main concern is the letter entitled "California Girls." Ms. Brenda Travis complains that the models in a photoshoot for an article were so thin that they must have had implants and liposuction, so she complains about the casual use of plastic surgery. She then points to the females pictured on other pages as better examples of the female form. Well, i hate to break it to Brenda, but i can't find a single picture in Triathlete of a woman who isn't super-thin, whether she is a model (Must they frown at the camera? Is it bad to look like you're having fun when you're working out?) or a super-athlete. This has been niggling at me for a while now, but i've been too busy to give full voice to it.

The fact is, though there are a couple of token articles geared towards beginners and athenas/clydesdales, Triathlete seems to very much be an Ironman, professional athlete, expensive gear required type of enterprise. Their "inspirational" tales are about people who are super thin and clad in name brand athletic wear that is far too tight for the average person, let alone an athena such as myself.

In fact, Triathlete takes this so far that it's offensive. Starting on page 92 there is an article entitled "Lose Weight to Train (Don't Train to Lose Weight)." They didn't even find an overweight or average sized person to picture, no there's a cartoonish "Evolution of Man" spoof where a man starts out bent over and spitting and gradually starts to run. First off, this is disgusting, not to mention offensive. The man seems to buff up a bit, but he's not really out of shape to begin with. Are we meant to believe that anyone who isn't a triathlete should be equated with a chimp? Turn the page, and we discover "Rule No. 1" which seems to think that it's reasonable to diet with an 800 calorie a day intake if you aren't training...as long as you have "proper medical supervision." Excuse me? Any doctor who would supervise that wouldn't be "proper." Our bodies are not meant to shed weight that fast, it places a far greater danger to our health than remaining a heavier weight does. To sum up, Mr. Matt Fitzgerald endorses losing weight before training with an odd preference for starving one's self rather than having a healthy diet combined with exercise. I can't even believe that Triathlete published this nonsense. Use some common sense.

I do agree that the goal should be fitness, far more than it should be weightloss. That is the belief that has always guided me when exercising, which is good, because i don't lose much weight when training. But over the past couple of months i have realized that i don't want to look like the typical athlete. I don't want to have the newest and most expensive equipment. I don't want to dress in a way that is virtually identical to everyone that i am racing against. I like standing out, which is just as well because i can't help it. I've always been an Other, an outsider, i never chose that, it's the way people treat me. I'm not into denying who i am or using ingratiating behavior just to make others feel better about themselves and like me more because i am stroking their ego in an unhealthy way. No, i'm about genuine relationships where people are different, people are loved for who they are, and people actually encourage one another for being who they really are rather than a social construct. To me, being pro-athlete or model thin is a very unhealthy social construct.

I don't want to live thinking "i would run this much faster if i just lost ten pounds." I don't want to train thinking "if i bought that $2000 bike then i could be in the top ten." No, i want to train and live competing against my former self. I want to live and train knowing that i finished the race through persistence and endurance, not because i paid for the best tech or tore my body apart. I know that i am beautiful at this size, and i don't want to ever be smaller than a size 12 ever again (which is good, because i don't think that such a goal would be healthy or attainable).

Okay, so Mr. Fitzgerald has a couple of good points in his article, and the article is okay, but it also has some glaring opinions in it that just don't settle well for me. But that still begs the question of who it's geared at. He's not writing for me, that's abundantly clear; he's writing for people who are already a healthy(ish) weight but want to weigh even less to be faster. He's looking at the people who gained a little weight during the off-season, not the people who live with their weight for decades and have varying body images and opinions.

I guess that my real issue here is that (per usual) i do not fit in the mold that they are trying to put me in. While people are breaking world records for fastest race, i have still only finished one. I can't afford to travel the world racing. I don't know if i could ever be in an Ironman or the Olympics...probably not. But the competitive part of me...part of me wants to really submerge myself into this world and beat people who weigh half as much as me. The main part of me, though, longs for the camaraderie that was talked about in Born to Run. I don't know if i can embrace everything in that book, but i want to embrace some of it. Once again i have a long road ahead of me...but that's okay. It's the journey that counts. I know where my ultimate destination is.

training?

I don't know what to do, i've only been able to gain weight over the past 11+ years, it's very frustrating. But i went running on Friday, starting over with Cto5k Week 1, and rode my bike about 3 miles yesterday, which wasn't especially strenuous (younger siblings came along, so there was a lot of stopping and starting), but i am sore from the running, which didn't go as well as i would have liked.

Trying to lose weight is incredibly frustrating. Training and dieting are both futile, and any time i'm not training...well i pretty much weigh more than i ever have before right now. In fact, it's getting pretty dire. I just wish that i knew what to do about it.