family tree

Okay, it feels weird specifying that Megan's my sister every time i mention her. Here's a little family tree...

Dad + Mom = me (23), Megan (21), Katie (9), Sammy (6), Daniel (5), Abby (2), Polly (almost 15 months)
Andrew + Megan = Alice Claire

I think i got all the ages right. I have the hardest time keeping their birthdays straight: not the days or months, but the year. Btw, Daniel is the only boy (Sammy is Samantha). Yes, i'm the oldest. Yes, i love having lots of younger siblings. I want to have at least four kids myself, if not closer to eight. God's going to be planning my family; i don't believe in birth control.

i'm back!

Well the trip was pretty fun. I got a bit of a sunburn, some reading done, and some knitting done as well. I was also dreaming up new formatting for this page (as you can see). Tonight my family and i are going to JUCO even though it's raining (my weather update is a little behind at present).

what i'm knitting ~ a sweater and booties for Alice Claire (Megan's baby... due July 4th)
what i'm reading ~ Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

weekend campout

Last night i finally started (in earnest) to work on my HPSS review again. I looked at an old review of Dark Angel that i did like three years ago for inspiration: man, i miss being able to pound stuff like that out. Anyways, i'll be on a campout with family this weekend and as such be unable to work on it until Monday night at least. But expect updates: even if i get a summer job i'm hoping to do this in preparation for the HBP release that's coming up. Hard to believe that it's almost June!

Oh, btw, i've been giving Lumos Nox a facelift.

life verse

This is real love. It is not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.
~ John 4:10 (NLT)

point of view buttons

I got the idea from Cinnamon's blog Crafty Monster Strikes Back, and now have some informative buttons to the right that are "stolen" from Steal These Buttons. Pretty nifty. I hope to add more soon.

Firefox

Well i finally figured out why i couldn't install Firefox (the download window kept closing before it was finished downloading) and now have it installed. It's already proving to be better than IE, and it's such a relief to finally have good software to use. It will take a little time to get used to the tabs being on top (and all in one browser instead of multiple) but i like it so far. (:

So, according to my profile my most recent post was... 26 October 2004. Funny, i think i've posted several times today.

pic

I finally have a pic of me uploaded to my profile! So now everyone can see... well, about a quarter of my face.

(btw, i took this pic with my Motorola V265 camera phone last February... my cheeks were so pink that i must have been cold or i got too much sun snowboarding)

life verse

I have come as a light to shine in this dark world, so that all who put their trust in Me will no longer remain in the darkness.
~ John 12:46 (NLT)

It's funny how God brings many things together to bring one thing into focus. Like how much i love my sisters and brother and how i should act towards them. I've always known instinctively (my conscience guided me when i was growing up) but now it's different. I remember a time when i agreed with Cain: "am I my brother's keeper?" And then i saw SpyKids and Machete says "Look how <Cain and Abel> turned out." And Carmen points out (rightly so) that family is supposed to take care of each other. Only its clear the entire movie that she hasn't been taking care of Juni at all even though she claims she is.

I've been thinking about this because of something i said to my mother today and some of the stuff i read cleaning out my old e-mail drafts. Mom's been stressed a lot lately. This weekend i said something to her that, while it was true, was needlessly harsh and disrespectful. I'm sorry i said it. On the flip side of the coin two of those drafts were letters to my sister Megan during a time when she had hurt me very much and i was trying to patch things up. I don't think about what happened back then any more. I forgot it. I don't know if i forgave her as much as i let it go. Megan and i are getting along great now, in fact every time there's a birthday or Christmas we buy each other too much.

I'm falling apart. I've felt that way for a long time, but now i don't feel it anymore, i just see it. I don't know how to fight anymore, to feel the pain. Everywhere i look i see... the sky is falling (for lack of a better term). The Church isn't doing what needs to be done, America as i know it is falling apart, and i feel helpless to change anything. I've always known that: i know that i'm nothing, that God is everything. I wish i could relate that, i cannot say it strongly enough. And my view of the world now: i don't know if it's true or if Satan and/or his minions are lying to me. I know there's a battle going on around me, but how bad is it? Am i starting to see it again? I know that God is the ultimate victor, but will he be the victor here in the U.S., in my lifetime?

I'm starting to lose hope of that. It's such a pipe dream that America will ever return to God. Last time i listened to Sean Hannity--it was weeks ago--he was talking about this chip that they've changed the name of so people won't realize it's the same offensive thing with upgrades. This chip can be planted in your skin. It has a GPS tracker in it so if your kid is kidnapped you can track your kid. I'm sure it's probably the same chip that can be used in place of credit cards and can carry your medical history. They're currently trying to find a way to make the chip permanent so no one can remove it. Sean was really upset about this (understandably so): so am i. He said to one caller (a mother who was ready to sign up): so they put this chip in your kid and your kidnapped... now these kidnappers are going to be cutting something out of your kid. I know this is the mark of the beast: it's not alarmist, it fits the description. Parents will put it in their kids foreheads so their hands won't get chopped off. Designers will make the chip impossible to be removed so kidnappers won't mutilate the faces of children. Lots of people will get one. Perfectly reasonable.

I don't know if this blog will ever help make a difference against something as big as that. I know it can't on my own power. But God has been so still in my life that i wonder if i'm doing the right thing. I'm still impatient. I know he's working in my life: i can't feel him, but i can see the effects of it. But my grades in college aren't as high as i feel they should be (and i really tried hard last semester). Acting doesn't come easy to me like it used to. And writing: even when i want to write something i can't because i don't have the words or i don't have the time. Everything feels hopeless, and like i'm letting Him down, but i don't know how to fight harder or do more. I just don't. It's like i'm in quicksand: the more i struggle, the more stuck i become, and i need to relax and let someone pull me out.

But how long will i have to wait? I'm tired of waiting. I've been waiting for over six years! It feels like a waste. God's trying to teach me something, but what is it? What's so important that my ministries should be put on hold for six years? It feels like a waste and i'm ashamed that i feel that way. My old Sunday School teacher (who finally talked to me for the first time yesterday, acting as if nothing had ever happened) would have me believe that i'm not doing anything, that what i'm trying to do is worthless. I can't believe that. I will never believe that unless God tells me that. And so i still don't know what to do.

life verse

God did not send his Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it.
~ John 3:17 (NLT)

summer reading

So far i have read Clive Cussler's Pacific Vortex! and decided against reading Lois Lowry's the Messenger any farther than the second chapter and a bit of the final chapter. I did once get through Lowry's Number the Stars but have trouble maintaining interest in the other books of hers that i've tried reading. Cussler is pretty good (not great, but definitely not awful) and i've got some more of his books on hold. I saw Sahara a week ago, and definitely approve of the casting of McConaughey and Zahn for the parts of Dirk and Al but they don't fully meet the descriptions as in the book(s). Anyways i have some more of those books on hold now.

I also finally watched Pride and Prejudice (with Colin Firth) finally and was pleasantly surprised just how much i enjoyed it. All the other version i had seen in the past i found quite boring, and i wasn't ready to read it when i tried... wow, it must have been in junior high or early high school. But now i want to read the book. I've also been planning to read Sense and Sensibility: Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman are excellent in the movie. I was also surprised to see several (more) parallels between P&P and Bridget Jones'. I did not trust Mr. Wickham as soon as i heard him lamenting how Mr. Darcy treated him. (: It certainly does make it even more hilarious that Firth played Mr. Darcy in the BJD movies and is interviewed by Bridget in the second book (i have yet to see the sequel).

Wow, i've got my reading cut out for me this summer.

life verse

When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you.
~ Isaiah 43:2 (NLT)

cool webpage

Am I Punk or Emo?

I think it's especially ironic that he says people who dress punk don't wear baggy pants: these days the wider the better. Of course i'm sure there are a lot of people out there who, even if they dress all out, are really only wannabe punks. I haven't gotten that far yet.

stop talking about why we shouldn't be at war!

...it's sooooo old. I just found this blog (during a search for something completely different) that said war never brings peace. Yeah: tell that to the Japanese and Germans and Russians. Better yet, tell that to everyone who lived during the Roman Empire. Sure, it might not be the peace that you want, but you'll get peace or you'll die. War always ends in peace: even if everyone dies there will be peace eventually because no one will be fighting anymore.

And i certainly don't want to hear about Bush misleading us. People can act stupid and for some reason want to remain stupid. The argument is old and full of holes. So you don't think that the U.S. had a valid reason to go to war in Iraq. You say there were no WMDs and the administration was just misleading us. Hello! CNN reported that the Iraqi troops were dumping chemical weapons into the rivers as they retreated. Chemicals are a WMD. Oh, you want nuclear weapons? Well our intelligence (and the intelligence of other countries) said that Iraq had nuclear weapons. Whether Iraq actually had nuclear weapons or not is irrelevant because Saddam Hussein made sure that everyone (including us) thought that he had them. He was feeding us false intelligence on purpose and we called his bluff. His bad, not ours. As if the people who were being tortured to death and then thrown into mass graves isn't a good enough reason to take down an evil dictator.

Back to history... Japan is now one of our most loyal allies; we nuked them. Was that unfortunate? Of course. Sad? You bet. But they attacked us first. What about Germany? Did we beat them? Yep. Sad? What they were doing to the Jews was tragic. No, they did not attack them first, but let's face it, if we wouldn't have helped out everyone else they probably would have won (Roman Empire style peace) and then came after us. No probably, definitely. We took in so many jews who were fleeing that they would have come after us even if world domination hadn't been their goal in the first place. I don't even want to go into Russia right now, but that war brought us peace didn't it? Different kind of war, still a war.

War happens a lot in the Bible. It happens a lot in history. It happens a lot today. It will continue to happen a lot until seven years after Jesus comes back. Deal with it. I'd rather we be fighting for the right cause for the wrong reasons that not be fighting at all. I know i sound harsh. Deal with it. This is real life we're talking about, logical and cruel. Life's not fair cuz Eve and Adam took a bite, take it up with them. Shut up about war and get a clue.

End rant.

IE

i hate, Hate, HATE Internet Explorer sometimes. i keep getting these insane error messages "Do you want to continue running scripts on this page?" And for some reason windows that are still loading always pop up while i'm viewing / scrolling / typing in another window even though it isn't done loading! Just a minute ago i was browsing and for some reason new windows were being opened at a rate of about two a second. Not fun. I want to download Firefox but for some reason it's not working "unspecified error". I want my own computer! My Mom's doesn't agree with me.

Ugh, i know there was more i wanted to say about Star Wars earlier and now it's driving me bonkers because i can't remember for the life of me. d:

Star Wars III - Revenge of the Sith

Contains Spoilers: you have been warned.

Yes, i went to a midnight viewing. I'm a night owl, and i had never done it for a Star Wars film before, so i felt that it was now or never. I wasn't overly excited to be getting in: in fact it was rather surreal that it's here already. What stunk was that i was in screen #3 and they made us wait like an hour to be seated after the first two screens because they were digital and we weren't. They were worried that screen three would try to sneak in, which was ludicrous because screens one and two were full and we liked the fact that we weren't and the sound stinks so much in every screen of this theater that it doesn't matter if you have digital or not. The manager is a jerk (i remember him from three years ago and he's still a jerk) who liked to yell that they were only taking tickets for screen 1 + 2 every ten minutes, then stand around looking cranky doing nothing. He could have been taking tickets at the doors instead and avoided the whole fiasco, because the people in the first two screens weren't about to stay seated in their auditorium: they freely went in and out even after they finally let us in. They should have been more worried that people would be sneaking into screen 3, it would have made more sense.

Back to the movie. Overall i thought it was good. Some of the voices were needlessly corny, notably one of the droids on Grievous' bridge who i felt should have had more authority in his voice. Palpatine eagerly watching Ani fight Dooku and then egging him into beheading him were overly obvious and corny: i mean, the fact that he orders Ani to leave Obi Wan is a big deal. The whole film you can tell that he doesn't care if he's discovered anymore and i don't understand why any of his overtures to Ani are accepted. Ironically enough, Padme didn't have any trouble in childbirth that warranted dark side intervention and Palpatine certainly didn't help her in the slightest.

Anakin seemed to be finally turning around and leaving behind the angry boy who was so full of himself. I guess what he really gave into was his fear of losing Padme, but then he went and nearly killed her. It didn't make any sense.

Yoda visiting Chewbacca (Chewbacca in particular) seemed needless to me. I really liked seeing the Wookies in battle, but felt like the Cloners were overly focused on in that battle. The battle could have happened anywhere: Chewbacca was hardly in it.

Yoda was awesome per usual. "Not if anything to say about it I have." I enjoyed some random guy's comment at one point during his duel with Sidious: "Yoda is a bad a$$." I'm not sure why Yoda retreated when he did, and it certainly didn't make any sense for him to turn on a homing beacon for two seconds, then jump into his escape speeder (ready and waiting) and forget to turn it off.

Obi-Wan was very agreeable to me. I've always loved Ewan's portrayal of him and he did especially well this time around. Less whining, more respect (towards Ani). His not wanting to believe that Ani would do something like that and not wanting to fight him was really nice to see after his attitude about Vader during conversations with Luke in the original trilogy.

My biggest beef with this movie if Padme. I feel that Lucas really did her and Natalie Portman a disservice. Padme was constantly whining and crying and often times there was no discernable reason why. Okay, i get that she wouldn't want to believe that Ani had turned, but after it happened... The Padme i know would never crumble and give up the will to live, especially when she's been "bless"ed with a pregnancy! Leia spoke of her memories of her mother in Return of the Jedi: she was "beautiful" and "very sad." So Leia has memories of her mother from moments after being born? All her mother said was "There's good in him, I know it" and gave up the ghost. That's not the Padme i know, who fights against unbeatable odds, who keeps fighting even when there is no hope and comes out the winner in the end. Yeah, i don't like what Lucas did to her.

I don't know how many stars to give this film. As a fan of action movies with fight scenes i liked it. As a fan of epics with true love... it fell short. It's hard to say whether it was as good or better than any of the films. Less annoying Jar Jar and C-3PO (why did they give C-3PO a memory wipe, anyway? he didn't seem to understand what was happening to Ani in the first place), more annoying Grievous (though he did fight well). Maybe i'll feel better about it next time around.

knitting

Well this afternoon i was surfing the net looking for knitting sites and knitting yahoo groups. It's an exhaustive process. I have so many dreams for knitting in the (hopefully near) future. It's been hard because i don't have the money for yarn or the time to knit as much as i'd like, though i have been knitting more of late. I wish i had a digital camera so i could put pics up and show everyone! My current projects are thus:

an afghan composed of knitted blocks for my mother (almost completed)
a Harry Potter scarf (like in the first two movies, only using homespun) w/matching convertible mittens (barely begun, but should be able to get done by November, if not July!)
a pink and white sweater for Alice Claire (just beginning, but looks great)
a pair of purple armwarmers to match my scarf and flapper hat that i finished a couple of months ago
a sweater for Abby: white with pastel colors flecked throughout (almost complete)

I think that's about it. I'd also like to knit a PoA Hogwart's scarf that's true to the films and some more armwarmers. As it is, budgetary constraints hold me back. Of course, once i find a job none of these things will be an issues... except then i'll probably have trouble finding the time to complete my projects!

I've been surfing the web a lot more than usual and working on my website. It's great because i've missed it so much. It also makes me feel guilty because everyone expects me to get a summer job and i haven't found one yet. Today i helped my mom out on a homeschooling field trip, tomorrow i'll go out and fill out some more applications. I just feel like it's important to expand my blog and webpage. I hope to be able to really work hard on them over the next year in particular. I hope to buy a new computer and get myself a digital video camera, etc. I want to start posting pics of my knitting here, too. Right now i'm waiting until i can pay people back (several family members have loaned me money), but after that, here i come!