stuck in my head

i’ve got it all but i feel so deprived ~ i go up, i come down and i’m emptier inside ~ tell me what is this thing that i feel like i’m missing and why can’t i let it go?

there’s gotta be more to life ~ than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me ~ cuz the more that i’m ~ trippin’ out thinkin’ there must be more to life ~ well there’s life but i’m sure ~ there’s gotta be more ~ i’m wanting more

i’ve got the time and i’m wasting it slowly ~ here in this moment, i’m half way out the door ~ on to the next thing, i’m searching for something that’s missing

there’s gotta be more to life ~ than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me ~ cuz the more that i’m ~ trippin’ out thinkin’ there must be more to life ~ well there’s life but i’m sure ~ there’s gotta be more

i’m wanting more, oh yeah ~ i’m always waiting on something ~ other than this, why am i feeling like there’s something i’m missing?

there’s gotta be more to life ~ than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me ~ cuz the more that i’m ~ trippin’ out thinkin’ there must be more to life ~ well there’s life but i’m sure ~ there’s gotta be more

more to, more to, more to life ~ more to, more to, more to life
~ more to life, Stacie Orrico

stuck in my head

come on, oh my star is fading ~ and i swerve out of control ~ if i, if i'd only waited ~ i'd not be stuck here in this hole

come here, oh my star is fading ~ and i swerve out of control ~ and i swear i waited and waited ~ i've got to get out of this hole

come on, oh my star is fading ~ and i see no chance of release ~ i know i'm dead on the surface ~ but i'm screaming underneath

~ Coldplay's "Amsterdam"

Ugh. Turkey dinner at church last night (moved up to Tuesday from the usual Wednesday night service) was awful. We paid $4 for it and they didn't give us large enough servings. Only the kids got the mashed potatoes: i didn't particularly care for the sweet potato casserole (the adult alternative). The Pumpkin Pie was so nasty that i couldn't finish it (and i LOVE Pumpkin Pie!). It made me long for the free Thanksgiving Dinner at Bookcliff Baptist back home in Grand Junction, CO. Tomorrow's turkey dinner will be loads better and much more filling. (:

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Well, my sis (Megan), her husband (Andrew), and her dog (Moby) came to visit last night and we got to see the Two Towers Special Extended Edition! I was supposed to go to the NCFellowship moot to watch it this weekend but my ride had to cancel at the last minute, so i thought i wasn't going to get to see it until right before my first viewing of Return of the King on Trilogy Tuesday. (: I was praying that i'd get to see it this weekend, and lo and behold Megan suggests out of the blue that we go rent it! It was totally a God-thing. We split the cost and stayed up until 1:30 a.m. but it was definitely worth it. I like a lot of the stuff that got cut out (and is now back in) but am still digesting it: i'm not sure whether i prefer the theatrical version or the S.E.E. yet... Time will tell.

Well, that's about it: hope everyone has a great weekend (myself included)!

Thursday: one week until Thanksgiving, twenty-six days until i see Return of the King, and an hour or so away from seeing my sister (she can't come down for Thanskgiving because she's working so she's visiting today and tomorrow instead). I spilled garlic spread all over my pants today at work. But i was in a really good mood all day; so good of a mood that i was getting on my boss' nerves, not to mention little Juanita's (there are two Juanitas at work, big Juanita and little Juanita). Looking forward to eating some Pumpkin Pie tonight (but i have to wait for the turkey and stuffing).

stuck in my head

Last time i wanted to post (the time before today, that is) i was really really mad so i restrained myself. I'm going to post the lyrics to Michelle Branch's song Are You Happy Now? because it's a nice way of putting what i was feeling at the time into words.

now, don’t just walk away ~ pretending everything’s okay ~ and you don’t care about me ~ and i know there’s just no use ~ when all your lies become your truths ~ and i don’t care... ~ yeah, yeah, yeah

could you look me in the eye ~ and tell me that you’re happy now ~ would you tell it to my face or have i been erased ~ are you happy now? ~ are you happy now?

you took all there was to take ~ and left me with an empty plate ~ and you don’t care about it, yeah ~ and i ~ i’ve given up this game ~ i’m leaving you with all the blame ~ cause i don’t care ~ yeah, yeah, yeah

could you look me in the eye? ~ and tell me that you’re happy now ~ would you tell it to my face or have i been erased ~ are you happy now? ~ are you happy now?

do you really have everything you want? ~ you could never give something you ain't got ~ you can’t run away from yourself

could you look me in the eye? ~ and tell me that you`re happy now ~ come on tell it to my face or have i been erased ~ are you happy now? ~ are you happy now?

would you look me in the eye? ~ could you look me in the eye? ~ i’ve had that all i can take ~ and i’m about to break ~ cause i’m happy now ~ are you happy now?

It's been soooo long since i posted here and i've been soooo busy. Many nights and weekends i have something that i want to say here but it just doesn't feel right by Monday or i forget to post entirely. It's one of the downsides to not being able to get online at "home." So i haven't forgotten to post anything here: i just haven't had the chance and/or known what to say. I still don't know what to say right now.

I had a really, really hard weekend (but did get to visit my sister!).
I actually enjoyed my job today (most days i don't).
My Sunday school teacher quit to work in another ministry, but i still go to his Bible study on Mondays (tonight).
My computer is still down but i should have it up and running again soon (then there will be updates!).

I heard Matchbox Twenty's song "Unwell" on the radio Saturday and the lyrics just seemed to be talking about me. I guess it's just another song to make a background for: except i can't make a background right now, so i'm going to put the lyrics up instead (which is funny because last time i looked up the lyrics i found someone else's blogspot with them up (: ). Well, here we go...

all day staring at the ceiling ~ making friends with shadows on my wall ~ all night hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep because tomorrow might be good for something ~ hold on ~ feeling like i'm headed for a breakdown and i don't know why

i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell ~ i know right now you can't tell ~ but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see a different side of me ~ i'm not crazy, i'm just a little impaired ~ i know right now you don't care ~ but soon enough you're gonna think of me and how i used to be...me

i'm talking to myself in public ~ dodging glances on the train ~ and I know, I know they've all been talking about me ~ i can hear them whisper and it makes me think there must be something wrong with me ~ out of all the hours thinking ~ somehow I've lost my mind

but i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell ~ i know right now you can't tell ~ but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see a different side of me ~ i'm not crazy, i'm just a little impaired ~ i know right now you don't care ~ but soon enough you're gonna think of me ~ and how i used to be

i've been talking in my sleep ~ pretty soon they'll come to get me ~ yeah, they're taking me away

i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell ~ i know right now you can't tell ~ but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see a different side of me ~ i'm not crazy, i'm just a little impaired ~ i know right now you don't care ~ but soon enough you're gonna think of me and how I used to be

stuck in my head

You brought me out
You took me in
to make me Your child
You gave all you could give
how could i ever
thank You for this?

well i love You
over and over again
and i praise You
over and over again
and i need You
over and over again
my Lord, my Father, my Friend

This song helped me get through the day today. I was feeling sick but i knew that i had to go to work anyway. I started singing this softly at the busstop, a sacrifice to the Lord, and despite the many stressful things that happened to me today i never lost my cool. My feet and back feel a lot better today and i'm not running a fever like i have the past two nights. Thank you to everyone who has been keeping me in their prayers.

life verses

Laughter can conceal a heavy heart; when the laughter ends, the grief remains.
Proverbs 14:13, NLT

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy.
Proverbs 13:12, NLT

life verses

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us--they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love.
~ Romans 5:3-5, NLT

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance: perseverance, character: and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
~ Romans 5:3-5, NIV

And then there were two months of silence...

I'm not dead or anything, i've just been working. At work. And it stunk (to put it mildly) so i quit. Which now has caused all kinds of new problems in my life. And i've wanted to write here but i just haven't had the time.

Anyways, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is out now (it's a really good book). I'm hoping to start a Harry Potter site soon.

Later...

i have issues

I just finished watching Homeless to Harvard on Lifetime. It starred Thora Birch and was really good but really sad. Her parents were druggies and had AIDS, her grandfather hated her and had molested his daughters growing up, and even though she was really smart she never went to school. She was in a home for a while, and ran away from home at fifteen. She finally went to a high school for the gifted and got a scholarship through the New York Times. It was really amazing and sad and made me very thankful for the childhood i had.

I've had a hard day because i don't know what i'm going to do now that i can't seem to find a job. I need to look for one again tomorrow and i'm so tired. I just don't know what to do to change things but i know that i have to. I have to. I'm praying but don't have much optimism at the moment. ): Sometimes i really hate my life because i'm so bad and it seems like there's nothing i can do about it and i try so hard. Life has been really hard lately: i hope things start getting better soon.

Is it really so late? I hate daylight savings.

Well hello everyone! My ankle is doing much better and i didn't even have to spend money i don't have going to a doctor. The only downside is that i am really broke right now. I'm going to go job hunting again tomorrow (now that it's actually a bit more practical for me to get around). Hopefully my ankle will continue to get better and i'll get a job offer soon...

Okay, so you've probably all been wondering what i've been up to, right? (like anyone actually reads this stuff...) Well, you see, at first i was super busy working cuz we were getting ready to close at Wherehouse Music and then i went rollerskating and twisted (sprained? fractured?) my ankle and all the while i have really had absolutely no idea what to write about. You'd think i'd be working on my webpage a lot now that i'm between jobs and need to stay off my feet, right? Wrong: i have been utterly uninspired and stressed. I really hope these trends change soon...

On to the Harry Potter news of yesterday! My two favorite blog sites, MuggleNet.com and The Leaky Cauldron: We Blog for Harry Potter have put up the newly revealed covers for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I must admit, these are the two sites that got me started in blogging! MuggleNet has some new insights on the covers, too, but i must admit that i found their appearance quite exciting in themselves...

Interesting war-related sites? (just came across these; explore at your own risk)

Dear Raed

Keven Sites|blog

Not much has been going on in my life lately. Which isn't to say that there isn't a lot going on in the world, just not in my life. For the U.S. and the rest of the Alliance of the Willing (or whatever we're calling ourselves), war against Iraq has finally begun. My sister has been getting work altering prom dresses. My brother-in-law just got a new job and his sister (one of my roomies) is starting to date someone new. I've been merely going to work nearly every day and watching the news every chance i get. It's rather straightforward, really. Pretty boring, truth be told. I haven't found a new job so far, which is stressful of course. I wish something would happen.

Should the U.S. go to war against Iraq without the U.N.'s approval? I was watching MSNBC tonight where two Congressmen and two to three dozen Americans were debating that very question. All of them were extremely articulate individuals, and most of them argued/debated their position well, but as always it struck me how many people claimed that President Bush had not made his case against Hussein. I'm always amazed when people say this, particularly since i feel like Hussein has made the case against himself and that Bush has done a remarkably good job putting it into words for the rest of us who aren't convinced. And then i had a brainblast.

Throughout the entire discussion MSNBC was scrolling poll results and pertaining news at the bottom of the screen. The opinions of people as to whether or not we should go to war are remarkedly split down the middle. Most poll results were 47% (yes) to 43% (no) with similar numbers in the U.S. as well as in other countries (the international polls being seperate but have nearly identical results). I haven't been following the news much since i moved here (it's a passion of mine and i think that those around me get irritated if i state my opinions too much so i've been trying not to get worked up about it) but people are still saying the same things now that they were six months ago even though the "war effort" (for lack of a better term) has gradually progressed (excrusiatingly slowly) in that time to what it now is (at a feverish pitch that is nearly impossible to ignore).

So that's when i had my brainblast and realized: nothing anyone says is going to change these people's opinions. I mean, if what happened on September 11th won't convince you, and the President's articulate presentation of the U.S.'s case repeatedly over the past few months won't do it then what will? And then i had another brainblast. You see, my sister Megan (read about her at her blogspot) was reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, the fourth book in the Harry Potter series (and my favorite) next to me. I've just finished reading it for the third time and it got me thinking about how these books speak about what's happening in today's world just as the Lord of the Rings and other great books have (and do repeatedly over the years). Here's what i was thinking of specifically (for those of you who don't read the books or just need a reminder)...

Voldemort (the bad guy) has come back to power. He "beamed" Harry to a cemetery using a portkey and basically came back to life/got his powers back right before Harry's eyes. The experience is tramatic for our boy wizard (and understandably so), but when Harry gets back to safety he vocally relives the horrific experience for his mentor Dumbledore with such detail and information (that would otherwise have been hidden from him) that Dumbledore can not doubt the verasity of Harry's words. Unfortunately, Fudge does doubt them.

Fudge is the Minister of Magic (it's the equivalent of Prime Minister or President for the wizarding world's government in Britain). He isn't a very able wizard for the job, but Dumbledore couldn't take the position so he did (and has asked for Dumbledore's advice often). But when Fudge is presented with the evidence that Voldemort has come back to power he won't believe it. He thinks that just because Voldemort lost his powers some thirteen years earlier that he can't possible become powerful again and as such chooses to ignore the facts (even hide them from his constituants) because of his fear. Dumbledore then activates a choice group of individuals (the Order of the Phoenix?) who have been watchfully waiting for such a horrific event and are ready to jump into action and fight evil when need be (which is now).

That's where we are as a country today (as Americans). We've been threatened, we've been at war with this madman before, he's been busy since then, and still some of us choose to ignore the threat because they don't believe the evidence that is before their eyes. I was just at a Christian Tolkien Fans chat about two weeks ago and someone had invited a friend to join us who (upon the mention of a possible war with Iraq) immedietely began slandering our President! He/she apologized for it later (because they were entirely out of line) but it just appalled me how some people can think that President Bush is incompetent and a madman when in fact he is only trying to exercise his God-given duty to protect the citizens of this country and the rest of the world.

I cannot say anything to convince any of you that we should go to war (at least, i don't think i can... (: ); i don't think i'll try. I'm not promising that i'll never have a rant about it, but that's not what the point of this blog is right now. You see, despite some people's claims that this war is just an example of religious extremism and a pro-economic excuse for a smoke screen (funny: the some people who believe that one think Bush isn't worried about the econonmy... oh! back to my point...) i think that one thing that this country (indeed, the world) should agree upon is that we need to pray. We need to pray a lot.

Praying is hard for me right now. I feel abandoned and betrayed by God. But still: i know that when things get tough there is but one recourse, there is but one thing for me to do... I get on my knees. "See I don't know how but there's power when I'm on my knees" (Jaci Velasquez). I hope that you get on your knees, too, because that's one power we do have right now: the power of prayer. I can't change the world, or this country and the millions of people who live here, but God can: i only hope that He'll use me in the process.

"...If my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land."
2 Chronicles 7:14

life verse

"To whom will you compare me? Who is my equal?" asks the Holy One. Look up into the heavens. Who created all the stars? He brings them out one after another, calling each by its name. And he counts them to see that none are lost or have strayed away. O Israel, how can you say the LORD does not see your troubles? How can you say God refuses to hear your case? Have you never heard or understood? Don't you know that the LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak. Even youths will become exhausted, and young men will give up. But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:25-31 (NLT)

Okay, so i'm working today and for some reason the music that we're playing doesn't agree with me. I've heard the album before and liked it, but today i'm just not in the mood. I want to put on Meredith Brooks, but someone has bought the used copy, so i get out Britney Spears instead. A little while later i'm singing "Overprotected" while i work and this guy says "Wow, we've found the next American Idol." Then my coworker said that he liked my voice better than Sheryl Crow's when i was singing "Soak Up the Sun."

I considered trying out for American Idol before the first one was on (this was way back when Dark Angel was still on the air). There was no way for me to feasibly get to an audition location so i didn't do it, nor did i really think about it again (it just wasn't meant to be). When i saw the show i hated it and i haven't watched it since (which makes sense considering the fact that i'm boycotting Fox right now). I wouldn't mind being a professional singer, but i really don't take Kelly Clarkson seriously: why would i want to get my start like that?

The point is, even though i'll probably never sing professionally, compliments like that don't come that often (at least, not ones that seem genuine... little old deaf ladies at church never really counted to me). It made me feel good to hear someone say something so nice. I had a good day.

Hi! I've just discovered the world of blogging and decided to create my own site. Which isn't to say that i've never seen other people's blog sites... far from it. I had heard the word before, and visited many such sites; i just didn't know what the word "blog" meant.

For a while now i've been at a loss as to how to bring my webpage into the new millenium. I've messed around with formats, with entirely new pages, tried to find new content, but nothing ever seemed to click. And then i found this... maybe this is what i've needed.

You see, i find myself uncertain as i am slowly developing into a young woman. Why would anyone want to hear what i have to say? But then again, why shouldn't anyone want to hear what i have to say? That's why i started on fire (indeed, my entire star in void webpage) in the first place, isn't it? To change to world around me. Which isn't to say that anyone has to read what i write, or that what i write will change anyone, but i am a writer. There's something within me that must write or die.

Maybe blogging is the answer to the lingering question that i've had the past few months: how do i share my art with the world? I'll blog. Maybe this will become a bigger success than Fire Angel's Star in Void page, maybe i won't be posting anything here outside of the week, but it's a start. Welcome to my new site.