Things have changed a bit for me in the past twenty-four hours. I have been overwhelmed lately, not only with schoolwork but with the status of my spiritual life. I was mad at God: i knew i shouldn't be, but i was hurt because He hadn't let me go to American Idol auditions in Las Vegas. I didn't want to pray to God because i "knew" that no matter what i asked for He would only say "no" or "wait." My quiet time had fallen by the wayside because every time i read my Bible i felt only more depressed. I feel like Satan has been mocking me, telling me that God's promises don't come true, that my dreams are futile; he's been trying to convince me of this for a long time, and i was starting to believe him.

Last night i poured my heart out before God for the first time in a while. I admitted to Him that i needed forgiveness, that i have been stubborn. The reason i renamed this blog ember was because i felt my flame was almost gone. I feel so much love for God that it overwhelms me; trusting Him seems to me to be the biggest chance i can ever take. Yet i know that it's not a chance at all, that He's all i need. The trouble is that i feel unplugged from Him: i know that i'm not, but that's the way it seems. He's standing beside me but He's standing apart; He's right here, but i can't touch Him.

Today i rename this blog flicker. I read my Bible this morning and am going to start having a daily quiet time. I am so close to reading my Bible all the way through: my goal is to finish before the New Year. And yes, my sixth anniversary looms ahead, but i am trusting God to get me through this dark night of the soul, to put my heart back together again. I don't want to let Satan take control of my life, i'm going to start fighting back again. I appreciate everyone's prayers of support and ask that you please be patient with me: God's not through with me.