avoidance

Okay, the subject i've been avoiding... Katrina. Well i knew from a penpal who lives near New Orleans that if a hurricane came they'd be in a bad way. But for some reason i can't muster up much emotion about it. I don't know why, i don't know what's wrong for me. My Mom points out that i was passionate enough about Schiavo. I'm glad people are trying to do so much to help but i'm upset by how skewed the media's coverage seems to be. There's nothing i can do about the situation and so i've avoided thinking, talking, or writing about it.

I still haven't decided whether to spend next weekend in Denver for American Idol or here auditioning for Dracula. I haven't been able to confirm that the show is coming here.

Since talking about my EW dream and having a long and exhausting weekend i've gotten a bit down about the whole lack of friends/boyfriend thing. There are several classmates that i enjoy conversing with (BP in particular, if you're reading!) but no prospective husbands as far as i can tell. Maybe i should just suck it up and try to go to Biola next year: surely i could find someone there? But right now i'm trying not to spiral into whining mode. I only want to audition for American Idol if God wants me to, i only want to date if God wants me to, i only want to attend the elusive Church 4.0 at MSC if He wants me to, and if He doesn't want me to do those things right now then i should just accept it.

I'm sick of just sucking things up and taking it, though: i want to be free to be who (i feel) God wants me to be and if someone doesn't approve it's their problem! I don't want to offend people but i'm sick of being limited by worrying about what others think. I only want to worry about what God thinks. Is there something wrong about that? I know that we're supposed to be conscientous about how we appear to those who are new Christians or who are being witnessed to but what kind of a witness is it to cave into anyone when it comes to serving God? I'm sick of getting in situations where i'm miserable because i defer to the judgement of others. They don't have to live with the decisions i make, why do i have to let them make the decisions that i want to be making for myself?

It's hard living with your family after you've become an adult because they just don't get it. I've paid my aunt back but she begrudges the fact that i'm not paying rent to my parents even though i'm living in my grandparents' trailer and they refuse to charge me rent! My Mom is mad because i read/watch Harry Potter and am "corrupting" her children. It's horrible to have this stuff hanging over me all the time. My conscience is clear, i've made an informed decision that's different than hers, why can't she just get over it? I still don't understand why she will only take the word of strangers who are lying over mine. It hurts.

I'm just wading through a lot of stuff right now. I'm too wrapped up in my own problems to worry about anyone else. I know that's bad, but i'm alone and broken, so what can i do? I'm a fool, but i'm trying to do the right thing. Hopefully my next post will make more sense.