The past few days as i've been walking from my car (i say it's my car, it's really my parents') to classes i've been noticing the trees. Their seeds/pods have fallen onto the ground and now the leaves are just starting to change. You can see the slightest tinge of yellow, or gold, or orange here or there. Before too much longer it will be turning cool and leaves will be falling, and then snow, which, now that it's coming, i'm surprised to find that i'm going to regret in a way. I'm always hot, have been dying to hit the slopes on a new snowboard since i was forced off of them, but now i'm clinging to the last days of summer... probably because i've just finished my second week back at school.
School has been a roller coaster. Lots of stressful stuff happens to me, but by the end of the day i usually feel pretty good. I'm actually getting tan from filming football practices, which is nice because i've been too pale the past couple of years from being inside all the time. Health and Physics are still boring, Acting is all right i guess, Choir is fun and challenging, Spanish is really fun and--oddly enough--quickly becoming my favorite class. So the day starts off stressful but ends on a high note. I usually feel like i have no idea how i'm going to get through the day as i'm walking to my first class but i can't believe it's over as i leave my last. The day happens really quickly and i end up feeling better than i expected.
But i'm still worrying about things; the biggest issues for me are physics and acting. I've heard some really bad stuff about my physics teacher and it's already a subject that i'm anticipating having trouble in (i'm not the best at science or mechanics), so i'll be glad when the class is over. I'm also not into the whole theater thing so i'm regretting declaring my major because now i have to audition for every show. Yeah, i want to act, but i don't much care for the choices in shows, and what i really want is to work in film. I want to write, and produce, and direct someday. Right now i want to go to audition on American Idol (so i can hopefully break into acting mostly), but i also want to go to Biola next year so i can major in Film/TV/Radio. But there are things in the way: i have a mandatory audition for Dracula when AI is going to be in Denver, Biola will cost at least $15,000 a semester, and even if i get to go to Biola i'm not guarenteed to get into the F/T/R program.
I feel trapped. I don't like coming to school here. I want to learn, and if that's what God wants then okay, but so much of it seems like a waste of my time. I'd rather be somewhere else living my dreams, but that seems impossible right now. I don't know what to do. I keep on seeking God (in fact, i've redoubled my efforts of late) and He keeps on being silent.
I'm worried about myself emotionally right now, too. I don't feel anything anymore. For the past couple of years i've been dealing with stuff because it was coming out whether i liked it or not. Now i'm back to not feeling, not dealing, just holding it inside. I don't want to be closed up for the rest of my life, but i don't know what to do about it. I feel so scared, helpless, and out of control, but at the same time i don't really feel anything. I'm just dead. I guess that i've just been coping for so long, desperately trying to survive while being deluged with pain, that i got to a point where i cut myself off again. I don't want to feel paralyzed like this any more but what's the point in me feeling sad, either? I'm not depressed, but i'm not joyful either. I'm just here, existing from moment to moment, not really alive.
Last night i dreamt about Elijah Wood. It was the first time i had ever dreamt about him in my memory. You see, the things i want to dream about are never the things i do dream about. I have had this crush on Mr. Wood for longer than i can remember. I've found other actors attractive, but i usually outgrow them, only with him... it always comes back. I liked him in Radio Flyer and Forever Young when i was little, didn't hear much about him until Deep Impact, and then he dropped off the face of the planet again. Since i saw Fellowship of the Ring i've had it bad; i don't know how to let go of this stupid crush, this mad desire to marry him.
I shouldn't feel like this for him (he smokes, and drinks, and i don't know that he's a Christian) or anyone else, but for some reason my mind keeps going back to him. There's times when he's annoying and not the best looking, but i still find him attractive anyway. It's not like i'm lusting after him sexually, i just really, really want to get to know him and spend the rest of my life with him. It has no logic and i don't know how--or if i want--to stop feeling this way. It's stupid, i know. I think he's become the personification of my desire to be myself with just one man, to be taken care of for the rest of my life while simultaneously taking care of him.
The dream was weird. We didn't talk. When i first saw him i was embarassed because i didn't (and wouldn't in real life, either) know how to talk to him, but he sat next to me. We were watching something together, a speech or something, and i was taking notes, and it was all i could do not to just lose control and stare at him. And then he did the weirdest thing: he put his arm around me. And it wasn't gross like when some pervert is coming onto you, it felt right. After a while he took off my shoes and started rubbing my feet (which was really weird but felt really great) and i felt this is going too fast but then i realized that i didn't want him to stop. It felt right, it felt like something good was finally happening to me, like the answer to all my prayers and hopes and dreams.
We did stupid stuff together, like walking around aimlessly, going out to dinner, nothing important or monumental. He didn't say much of anything, but i still knew that he was interested in finding out about me, and we just understood each other even though we hardly spoke. It was really nice and i didn't want to wake up.
In real life i've only ever had three crushes who seemed just as interested in finding out about me as i was to find out about them but all of them were taken out of my life before anything could happen. I've never gotten beyond that first stage where you don't know a thing about them but you're desperate to change that, where you don't want to say anything dumb but somehow you know that you can say anything to them and they'll accept you just as you are. I know it takes time to build intimacy, to get to know someone well enough to really know if you have a reason to want to spend your entire life with them, but i feel like i'm not complete because i'm not even the slightest bit experienced in this area. I've never had the chance to have a relationship with a man and that kills me because more than not acting or singing or writing or snowboarding or knitting or design webpages because more than anything else (besides doing God's will) i want to get married, spend the rest of my life with one man, and make lots of babies with him. That's all i want, all i need. The rest would just be icing. But i don't even have a cake to ice.
And i think that's all i feel anymore, the loneliness and the inability to trust others with who i am because i know they don't want to know the real me and i'd only be making a fool of myself. I know God loves me, and it's probably what keeps me going, but i'm isolated from it, i don't really feel it. Today, driving to school, i had a deja vu while pulling out from a certain light and being in a certain lane and being behind a certain blue truck and feeling as if i'd seen it all happen to me before. And it suddenly occured to me: what if these deja vus (that i always have at the weirdest times) are just God's way of telling me that i'm right where He wants me? I don't like where i am, but that doesn't matter as much as the fact that i desperately need to know that i'm in God's will.
And that's when "The One Thing" came on the radio and seemed to be talking about me. I've questioned everything in my life except God: He's the one constant in my life. Even as i change, grow, fall apart, i know that He'll always be the thing in my life, inside me, that will never be lost or go away. It seems stupid from a worldly perspective, but i know that it's right for me to trust Him no matter what. Even though i'm scared that i don't have enough faith, that i won't be able to get through this in one piece or do what He wants me to, no matter how much i'm hurt by what He's caused/allowed to happen in my life, i know that i will never stop loving Him, never turn my back on Him, never be able to tell Him that i don't want Him anymore, because He's all that i want. No matter what happens to me in life, how crazy i become, how bad i mess up, i know that i'm going to be spending eternity with Him. My life seems overwhelming now, but it's only vapor on the wind, it will be gone after a few heartbeats, and that's when what's real and true will really begin, after i've lost everything to which i'm clinging to right now. That's why i know that i could never give Him enough and--no matter what He asks--i'm going to do everything i can to do whatever He wants me to.
It sounds easy, but it's not. I'm still attached to earth, will have to be for many years to come. I'm meant to feel this "reality" more strongly than the end result right now. I still need to work on not being so engrossed in worldly things, but i have to live life and die (or be raptured) before i can live eternity. So if any guy were to come up to me and really and truly want to get to know me, i'd be ecstatic, and i think i'm supposed to be (i do not have the gift of singleness). If Elijah Wood were to somehow be thrown into my life i'd be glad to get to know him. But right now all i can do is dream about it until God sends the right one into my life. It's up to Him, not me. And even though it kills me to say it, i'll still serve Him even if He never sends a potential husband my way. Somehow i've got to come with better grips with that. I know i'm so messed up that most guys probably wouldn't want to touch me with a ten foot pole (;, but it's out of my control, right along with everything else in my life: in God's hands.
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