I'll admit, i've been on edge lately. School has been hard; i'm glad to be going but there's been a lot of homework and physics in particular is giving me a lot of grief. The situation at home has been tense. It seems like every time i try to rise above it all someone or something insists on pulling me down.
I'm not depressed anymore. I don't have time to be depressed. I hate when people act like feeling emotion is a bad thing because it's natural, it's the way God wants us to be, and i don't feel it anymore. Each day it's clear that all i can do is trust God, but the things that used to bother me don't anymore because i'm just hollow now. I've decided to trust him and ignore the junk that Satan is throwing at me, but i'm tired of keeping silent when i hear lies, and i'm not going to let people pull me down anymore. I don't want to roll over and take it anymore so i'm going to fly whether anyone likes it or not.
I know that i offend some people. How am i supposed to care about that when no one cares if they walk all over me? I'm living for God alone and if you don't like it then it's your problem. I worry about coming off too harsh and angry but i'm also sick of the lies that i see being perpetuated. The junk that guy wrote in response to my e-mail is the same stuff that i've heard liberals call in to Rush for years and he always takes them down a notch. I guess he's rubbed off on me.
I think for myself. I believe strongly. Certain members of my family recently told me that i'm a "Drama Queen" whose mentality is "the sky is falling" one moment and "everything is perfect" the next (a la The Complex Infrastructure known as the Female Mind according to Relient K). I agree to a certain extent. My lows are low, my highs are high, I "think <my> life is over and <my> life has just begun in a span of ten minutes", but i'm not like that lately. My life has been over and yet just begun ever since i was born. This is normal for me now. I'm holding in there even though i know i don't have the strength to hold on anymore. I'm not in the depths of despair because i'm trusting in God, i know He'll pull me through. So i hold on.
But in many ways i'm not the Drama Queen. I don't talk with my hands, i'm not surrounded by girlfriends, i don't overuse exclamation points (in fact, i avoid them), and sometimes okay is just okay. I know my family thinks i exaggerate and whine way too much but i don't see it; yet at the same time what i've gone through feels like it could never be put into words because words aren't enough. So everyone else will now think i'm exaggerating and whining even more, but none of you have been where i am. Yeah, i get really happy sometimes, and i try to encourage others, but my happiness doesn't revolve around any guy (but God) and i can't cry at the drop of a hat.
I feel like i talk too much, but i think i do it because no one ever listens to a thing i say (and then of course they come back to me whining and never realize that it all could have been avoided if they would have just taken a few seconds to listen). I'm not bereft if i'm not the center of attention, but it hurts that people avoid me. Even my family does this: i'll save seats for everyone and they'll go and sit somewhere else. Or i'll go move to sit beside some people and they ignore me, then leave to sit elsewhere. Why is it always like that?
I can't rely on people. If i do they only let me down, it always happens. I give so much and they eventually dump me. People hide stuff from me as if i'll judge them when all i want to do is help. So i struggle to trust people but i think i've lost the ability somewhere. For a while i felt like i couldn't even trust God so how could i trust anyone else? And this scares me the most: how am i supposed to ever act or fall in love if i won't let myself trust anyone?
I'm trying so hard to get out of this place but sometimes i feel like i can't get any breaks. I don't want to go into it right now, don't know if i should share it, cuz i'm afraid that i'm going to hurt some people that i don't want to hurt. At the same time they hurt me.
The biggest reason i'm a Drama Queen is that i know that i'm going to act someday, that it's "my destiny." I knew it when i was three and ignored it for ten years, and now i've been praying about it for ten more. I never asked for this, but God planted the seed in my heart, He's promised it to me, and i know that He'll keep His promise. I can only prophesy about things that seem silly, foolish, but the Bible says that the gift of prophecy is given so one can encourage others. That's what i want to do more than anything else. If i can get through this then i know God can do anything (which i know anyway but this will be proof).
I know i'm not making much sense tonight; i'm too tired to make sense. I'm not a journalist, i'm just a girl who's trying to get through her baggage and quest in one piece. Again, i didn't ask for this: i'm just trying to serve God in the way He's asked me to. I don't know where He'll lead me. Do you think i expected to be living at home at twenty-three (almost twenty-four) and find herself out of control in every way? I can't control my weight, my past, my present, my future, and that's scary... I don't like being out of control, i don't like stopping for directions. I want to walk on water, move mountains, stop it from raining, etc. People don't expect God to do that stuff anymore, but i do. I know, i'm weird, crazy, a fool, but how am i supposed to be someone else??? It's God who's molding me, and like i said, if you don't like that deal: you'll have to take it up with the Big Guy (and i don't mean Hurley).
I'm stuck here so i'm trying to make the best of it. It isn't easy, but what fun would an easy life be? God has a sense of humor, don't you ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Right now i just wish He would let me in on the joke.
Still waiting on Him...
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